Shawn

As the water poured over my head, I couldn't help but to ask myself what the fuck I was doing. I'd followed Kelly into the showers for one reason and one reason only, because I could. Kelly is beautiful, intelligent, and so talented, but there is no connection there. My heart belongs to some one else.

She did her best to make small talk while I concentrated on keeping my eyes forward.

Her laugh echoed from behind me. "You're being weird tonight." She said. "You act like we've never showered together before. I mean I know it's been a while but we all used to do this all the time."

"We were girls Kelz. A lot has change since then."

"I can see that." She said. I could feel her eyes on me.

"I'm just trying to be considerate, that's all." I said.

She approached me from behind, grabbed my hand turned me around to face her. "Do me a favor tonight... don't be." She said, smiled and held out her loofah. "Wash my back and I'll wash yours?"

I laughed nervously. "Sure."

Thank god the shower wasn't where she wanted to make her move because thats where our night would've ended. We'd finished getting ready. She looked at me over her shoulder and blushed. "You about ready?"

"Yeah." I modded and sprayed myself a few times with cologne. She turned and looked at me.

"Is that Gendarme?" She asked.

"How'd you know?"

"Are you kidding, its the only cologne Janet will where. I know that smell anywhere. I didn't know you wore it to."

I smiled feeling a bit embarrassed. It was actually Janet's bottle. She'd left it at my place a few times and I'd just kind of taken it over.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." I lied. "Let's go get that drink." I said, quickly changing the subject.

We cleaned up and turned out the lights before locking up the studio. Ever since Kelly had said her name, Janet was all I could think about. I was quiet as we finally headed to our cars. Kelly glanced at me a few times.

"You okay?" She finally asked. I stopped and turned to face her.

"Actually I'm not. There is something that has been on my mind." I said.

"What is it?" She asked.

"You and Janet are pretty close, she must have told you about us."

She looked down at her feet and back at me again. "I mean she's told me things but she was married up until recently and now I'm hearing that she's seeing Jermaine Dupree. Can you believe that?" She said.

"She's not seeing him, they hung out once." I said raising my voice a little. I sounded very defensive.

"You're still in love with her..." She said. "After all this time?"

"This is not about me. It's about her. She needs people around her she can trust. You of all people know that and she's been an amazing friend to you. As tempting as it may be, it's just not right Kelz."

She rolled her eyes and folded her arms.

"I know I know, you're right, I don't know what I was thinking." She said. "I'm sorry Shawn." She took my hand and pulled me into a hug. I opened her car door. She got in, started it and let the window down.

"You deserve better than this." She said as she began to pull away. "And that's the last thing I'll say about it, see you tomorrow gorgeous." She said and pulled away. I waved as she disappeared onto the street.

I leaned against my car, closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

"Get your shit together Shawn." I said aloud to myself. "My phone buzzed.

Janet : Hope your date is going okay 😞

Me: No date tonight but thank you. You really think I'd mess around with a friend of yours?

Janet: Can I call you?

I smiled and got into my car. I scrolled through my contacts and called her instead, putting her on speaker phone.

"Hello?" She said.

"Hey."

"You've got me on that damn speaker phone, whatchu doing with your hands that you can't pick up the phone." She mocked. I laughed hysterically.

"I'm driving unlike you Ms. Nasty." I said. "I still can't believe you did that to me, knowing I was aching for your pretty ass."

"I could relieve that aching for you baby." She said catching me off guard. I swerved but quickly regained control of the car.

"Y'all some nasty bitches." I heard Gil say in the background.

"Tell him to shut up and stop listening to our conversation." I said.

"You're actually on speaker phone." Janet said aa they both burst into laughter.

We talked my entire drive home. It was nice and distracted me from the horrible traffic I was stuck in for an hour. Janet's end of the phone went quiet as I stepped off the elevator on my floor.

"Still there boo?" I asked.

"I'm here." She said softly. "I'd still like to see you tonight. Is it okay if I come over before I head home?"

"Yeah, I'm cool with that." I said as I unlocked the door and opened.

"Good." She said as I turned on the lights to see her sitting on the couch in front of me.

I smiled and threw down my gym bag.

"Stalking me now?" I joked as I walked over to greet Kaz at her cage. "Hey there lil mama, give me just a second to change and we'll go for a walk." I said as she wagged her tail happily.

"I took her out and played with her. Gil brought me over softly after you called. I'll just have Preston pick me up, if you don't want me to stay tonight." She said.

"Okay sounds good to me. I said as I casually walked into my room to change into some comfortable clothes. As I walked into my closet. I quietly talked to myself. "Okay Shawn, this is it. What are you going to do?"

"Who are you talking to?" Janet said. I turned to see her standing behind me.

I laughed nervously, and walked passed her. "Just talking to myself. Are you hungry?"
I asked.

"No, Gil made me dinner actually. We brought you leftovers." She said. "Gil said he's sorry you didn't have the pleasure of seeing him tonight."

I smiled. "I'll have to call him and say thank you."

Janet followed me into the kitchen. "I put it in the oven so it be warm. Sit, let me get it for you." She said with a sweet smiled.

"Okay, thank you." I hopped onto the counter, swinging my legs as I quietly waited for to hand me the plate of food.

Gil never disappointed. Janet laughed as she watched me waste no time diving right in. "Hungry?" She asked.

"Starved. I didn't get to have dinner tonight."

"What happened with that anyway?"

"Kelly realized that us having a drink together wasn't a good idea." I said. "I'm sure you guys will need to talk at some point, but she's sorry.

"Why did you say yes?" She asked as she hopped on to the counter next to me.

"I don't know, but I know I'm tired of being lonely. I want a relationship J. All today did was make me see things more clearly."

"And what has today shown you?" She asked.

"That even if it had been another girl that asked me out tonight, I probably would've still found a reason to bail... because of you Janet." I said. "I can't get you out of my system and I don't want to feel trapped like this anymore."

"Shawn I'm not trying to make you feel that way." She said.

"But I do and I have for a long time. This is nothing but a continuous cycle of heartbreak."I said and hopped off the counter. I'd taken all of two bites out of the food before I'd completely lost my appetite. She got down and stood close to me. She touched my cheek. I met her gaze. "This is hurting me J."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to feel like this at all. That's why I'm here tonight. I made a choice baby." She said. "No more games. No more going back any forth, no more hiding my love for you from the world. I'm choosing us this time baby."

I was breathless for a moment as tears swell in my eyes. From the day we met and became friends, I had dreamt of the day she would be mine. There were times where this was easy and others, I'd cry in frustration because I couldn't understand how I could love some one as much I loved her.

She touched my face again, this time with both hands. I still hadn't said a word. "Shawn, baby, please say something." She pleaded.

"I think it's too late Janet." I said quietly.

Her hands slowly left my face. "Please don't say that." She said. "Shawn I love you and I'm sorry it took me so long to get there but I'm here now. I'm fighting for this." She shook her head. "Please don't do this."

"I didn't do this J, you did. I have laid my heart out there multiple times and you took it for granted." Her eyes drifted away from mine and she turned and walked back into the living room and pulled out her phone.

"I can take you home J." I said following behind her as began to send a text someone. She didn't respond to me. "You're running away again."

She turned to face me with tears in her eyes. "I'm here Shawn. Pouring my heart out to you, telling you that I want my future with you. What do you want me to do, beg you?"

"No, I never wanted you to beg."

"Then what do I need to do baby? Please tell me, I'll do anything to change your mind."

"I need you to let me go J." I heard myself say. "You have this hold on me, so much that sometime I feel like I'm not in control of me and my feelings."

"I'm just trying to show that I want to fight for this. I haven't made you do anything you didn't want to do." She snapped. It completely  caught me off guard.

"It's about damn time, you've been fighting for everything and everyone, except me!" I snapped back.

"Don't speak to me that way." She said.

"I'm just stating facts. I've wasted half my life waiting around for you. So forgive me if I've grown a little tired of our routine. J you have played with my feelings throughout this entire thing. Which is fucked up because we were suppose to be friends first."

She scoffed. "You act like I asked you to stay around."

"Actually you have. Every time I would try to move on, or try to stop fucking with you, you find away to pull me back in." I snapped. "I'M TIRED OF IT!" I heard myself yell. Janet jumped at the raise in my voice and looked at me as tears began streaming down her cheeks.

"Fine Shawnette. You're right." She said throwing her hands up as if to surrender. "I've been selfish and I've holding you back... it stops now." She said and opened the front door.

"Where are you going?"

"Outside to wait for Gil." She turned around and looked at me. "You know, tonight brought me clarity too. I thought we were well on our way to that happily ever after, but I see that I've messed that up." She said as she walked out and closed the door behind her.

I walked over to the door and grabbed the handle to open it, then stopped. I rested my head against it. "Well...Shawn," I said to myself out loud. "You did it." 

Kaz began to cry from her cage and I finally let her out. I turned on the TV and tried my best to finish my food, but Kaz ate more of than I did. As I flipped through the channels and stopped as a music videobegan to play.

I let my head fall into my hands as I began to weep loudly. I tried tell myself that this feeling was only temporary and that tough times don't last for long.

Janet and I had fought many times before but something was different when we went our separate ways tonight. I knew that this was only the beginning. Things were going to get harder before they got easier and there was no way I was ready for it.