Odessa

I think I'm going mad.
This can't be happening. This must be a dream.
I can't be married. I'm only nineteen. I can't be married to him.
Out of all people, I shouldn't be spending the rest of my life with him.

His name, his voice, his smile, it repulses me in so many ways but always lingers through my skin and draws me in to his irresistible ways.

I shouldn't be feeling this way. He created this mess in the first place. If I never meet him I would never have experienced this entire emotional trauma. If I never meet him I wouldn't be standing outside in the gardens posing for photos. If I never meet him I would never be bearing his child.

Fabio instructs us to pose again and again in ways I never imagined. He tells Nicolai to wrap his arms around me and breathe into my neck, causing shivers to crawl throughout my skin. At one stage he lifts me up into the air, causing me to burst into a frenzy of giggles. He invades my personal territory and places his fingers all over my skin; my waist, my shoulders, my hands, my neck, my face, there are so many places he is bearing his mark.

"Now for the final shoot- I need you both to look at each other with deep fiery passion, wrap each other in your arms and embrace the fact you are both married" Fabio ushers us as we stand beneath the large oak tree in the back of the garden.
The large wedding marquee is already close to being bare as everyone heads into the dining hall where the reception is held. Guards push past reporters who wish to catch a glimpse of the 'happy couple' as we pose again and again for Fabio.

Slowly but surely, Nicolai turns and wraps his arms around my neck, staring down at me with a deep grin plastered on his face. I copy his action, wrapping my arms around his waist, embracing the soft texture of his tuxedo against my skin. Soon we are both left staring into our deep voids of irises and all I can think about are his eyes.

His eyes are blue. Not the ordinary sky blue, or the colour of bluebells in the distant fields. His eyes are the colour of the sea, crystal clear blue- shimmering and crashing and churning. Looking into his eyes you can hear the waves falling against the shore, see the foam flying against the air. His eyes are blue like the sky right before the sun disappears- dark rich indigo, with specks of wild colour here and there. To say his eyes are just blue is like saying that the sun is yellow; sufficient but accurate to capture the burning desire captured in his eyes.

No. I shouldn't be feeling this way. No matter how confining it is to have his arms wrapped around me, I should not be having this attraction. There is no doubt about it. I should never have felt this way from the start, otherwise I would never be in this mess.

The next thing I know, he has slammed his lips to mine and nearly knocks all wind from my lungs in the process. I hardly have a moment to react before he presses his tongue to the seam of my lips and, to my grant of access, delve inside my mouth. It is a very sloppy kiss with the strong scent of old wine being exhaled in the intermingling of our billowing breaths.
My arms reach out and tangle around his thick, strong neck. In an instant I have to pull away and arch up into his broad chest, letting out a moan with the contact of body heat against my own, before I draw back into his lips. I don't know how this is happening as I proceed to allow his tongue to roll off mine and seep down my throat.

In a sudden pulse I push him away. We both stare at each other with sharp breaths and wide eyes as Fabio echoes "Perfect darlings! Just fabulous!"

Did that just happen? Did I just allow Nicolai to possess me in such a resounding way? I brush away the thought as we both unravel ourselves from each other, both looking away bashful, but for different reasons that the other will never know.

"We better head inside" Nicolai mentions, to which I nod back. In an awkward moment we both intertwine our hands together

In our silence where we savour our thoughts, we both enter into the side door to which we are greeted by a loud cheer from the attendance. The orchestra plays a dreary tune as we enter the hall

Soon my training kicks in as I un-knit my brows and push back my shoulders to appear more sophisticated and interested in the occasion. I can only sigh with relief to see James standing at the top of the bride and groom table, two seats left in the centre as the rest are accompanied with Mother, Father, Queen Isabella and King Fernando. As we make our way over, I make sure to position myself in front of Nicolai to get to the seat beside James, but I am caught off guard when Charlie rushes over, a wide grin of his small face as his pudgy fingers are covered in chocolate.
"Dessy I love the cake!" he exclaims when I drop down to his level. At this point I don't care about stains on this dress so I pick him up and kiss his cheeks. "Are you having a good time?" I ask while wiping his face snot free. He nods and replies casually "I'm happy knowing you're happy"

I can only swallow the lump lodged in my throat as he continues to tell me his adventures in his dashing suit. Soon he jumps off my lap and says "I must go find the others- they could- they could be gone without me Dessy" and before I can say goodbye he rushes away.
When I stand back up I exhale a sharp breath as I see Nicolai already sipping a large beer as he chats up James, who looks rather quite bored already. He catches my gaze and mouths back "I'm sorry". I only smile back as I sit beside Mother and Queen Isabella who are deep in conversation about the ceremony, praising my vows and my wonderful affection for Nicolai. If only they knew the truth.

* * * * *

Time flows like cement as I sit at the top table. I check the clock for the time. A minute has passed since I last checked an hour ago, or so it seems. Sitting here with nothing to do but stare at the large chandelier that glistens over my head, the same chandelier, Nicolai proposed to me under and the same when I discovered I was meeting him the first place. This is so pointless. After indulging in a five course mess I am fit to burst and the day hasn't even finished.
I am confined to listening and nodding to mother's pointless conversations and I don't dare to pass a comment in whatever Nicolai has to say to James. I know he is hating every second of this just like I am but honestly, I'm just glad he hasn't punched him for his radical comments on society and the government.

As if by cue when I look over at Father, he stands up and takes in a huge deep breathe. He slowly clanks his tall glass with his dinner fork before clearing his throat.

"Good evening fellow guests of this special occasion" He turns and smiles at me, giving me chills down my back.
"As I look at my beautiful daughter before me in her lovely wedding gown, I can't help but reflect on the girl she was and the woman she has become. Throughout her life, she has brought joy to my mother and I, and while not every day has been perfect, the love I feel for her has been.

I have been waiting for this moment ever since she came into this world. But I can truthfully say that I knew this day would come for my little girl and her new husband..."

'Oh the irony of his words'  I groan to myself as this whole scheme was arranged.

And today, she has joined hands with a wonderful young man, and in addition to the sparkle I always see in her eyes, today I see a love and joy there beyond anything I have seen thus far. She and Nicolai today have completed each other as they become a new family unit.

Please join me in wishing Odessa and Nicolai every happiness possible and a long and joyful life together as husband and wife"

For a split second, if it was the man I picture so easily, I would be close to tears. But instead I simply put on a smile for the adoring crowd. As he sits back down, Fernando slaps his back and straight away he chugs back down the rest of his beer. Typical father.

I am about to head into another trance where I am in a better world before the whispering dies down again as the most unexpected person stands up to make a speech; James.

I twist my head as my hesitant twin swallows a lump in his throat before starting.

"Well I should start my speech by saying how beautiful my sister looks, which of course I've said a thousandth times already, at this point it's drilled into her brain" ,with this there are a few laughs from the guests.

"I got roped into doing this speech as a token of affection as the eldest child in the Blackthorn family. By all means, we all know Gerard should be here giving this speech, not me, but sadly life goes on.."
He looks down at the ground and for a second, I notice him hold back a tear.

"I am not one for speeches, I prefer music than talking, I feel it gives me more to tell that any syllable I ever conjure, and so as requested by Father, I will play a piece for their first dance'

My back straightens as I look up at surprise to see James getting up from his seat and walk to the piano. I see Nicolai stand up and hold out his hand. Gingerly, I take it and follow his lead on to the dance floor, where James sits with the orchestra prepping his notes by the piano.

When I hear the music I feel adrenaline pump through my veins- not so strong to freak me out but just enough to be able to wrap my arms around Nicolai as we start to step with the music. I have no experience with this sort of thing besides from the distant memories of Alexander and I dancing in my bedroom to his old records or the unfaithful night I fell into a trance with Nicolai before anything happened.

As Nicolai pulls me into his arms as we start to sway around the room, I barely feel the floor beneath my feet; I could have been dancing on air.
At the edge of my hearing, I could make out the wedding guests murmuring about what a handsome couple we are, and how happy we both look but I couldn't get the thoughts of myself actually being married out of my head.

To even think I would marry a man who would harm a woman like that terrifies me. To think I would be dancing to a song conducted by James at our wedding ceremony sends bile rise up my throat.

I can't believe this is happening. This can't be true; but it is. I shouldn't be here; instead I should be watching Gerard and his gorgeous wife sway to the gentle sensation of James' beautiful melody.

I should be admiring Gerard whispering to his beautiful bride and tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear while they dance. This shouldn't be me.

I look up at Nicolai who is smiling down at me, his eyes filled with love, as we drift slowly across the otherwise empty dance floor. Our first dance as a married couple admired and applauded by our families and friends. Soon the gentle piano melody is finished as everyone cheers James. Other couples start to join us on the dance floor, along with Rosa dancing with little Charlie and Mother with Ethan.

This whole day feels like a world wind, a distant dream. I can't help but look at the glistening gold band on my finger. I am distracted with Nicolai asking "Is there something wrong?"

I look up to see a concerned face. "No" I lie, smiling back at him than I am hesitant. "Well actually, I feel I need some fresh air"

Immediately he replies with "Oh we can both go out for a minute if you want" acting very protective of me, which is strange compared to what he was like to me three months ago.

"Oh no, no, It's fine" I flap a hand at him. "I'll be back in a moment" I respond, rushing away from the crowded dance floor. I push past the large crowd and nod my head at anyone who compliments my look or congratulating me on the occasion, not daring to stop for one second.

Once I am outside I can finally breathe. My head spins as I take time to regain composure by breathing in oxygen.

When I look up at the sky, the lingering light is obliterated by the rapidly falling night. The once salmon and purple sky has transformed into a vast expansion of jet black that engulfs over the kingdom. A canopy of luminous stars materialise amongst the ocean of blackness. Some are dull, merely flickering into existence every now and then, but there is an adequate amount of shimmering stars to illuminate the dark, moonless night. A faint wind brushes against my hair as I stand still.

Up ahead I can see the woods that look different at night. Everything I see has an unfamiliar slant to it. It is as if daytime trees and flowers have gone to rest and there are more ominous versions of themselves out to take their places.

The air is dense as I breathe it in with my fragile lungs. The party still echoes in the distance as I hear the hustle and bustle of life from within. To think this is the send off I get from this place; a hectic atmospheric noisy event. I can't help but sigh as I trudge forward, carrying the end of my veil in my arms, towards the large oak tree near the end of the garden space.

I close my eyes as I lean back to rest under the sturdy tree. The tree lifts its branches to the sky as if it's very presence is enough to beat back the darkness and command the daylight to fall on its papery leaves. Its bark is still its gold that shines in the daylight but just a few shades darker under the darkness. The touch of the trunk and strong branches feel like a hug from the heavens above as I rest silently.

I am sprawled out on the grass as the ominous takes over. I feel at peace with the world as I forget everything; that is until a scent of nicotine drifts in through the air.

I now hear footsteps edge closer and closer towards me. I freeze and try to control my breathing until I hear voices.

"When do you want me to launch the plan?" a husky deep voice asks. I am silent as my brain tries to conjure up who it may be. As I try to come up with something, another voice pipes up, and I am not one bit surprised by who it is.

"I'll give you the signal" Nicolai replies, after puffing out smoke.
"We need this to work or else everyone will be suspicious"

I am curious, intrigued to what Nicolai's devious plan is. Could it be to try and open the family safe or find our stash of Reports from the years previous?

"Shouldn't I just let you do it, I mean she is your wife after all" The other voice raises concern but immediately Nicolai snaps back.
"No you idiot! I can't be near the scene, immediately they will think I killed her and I need to clear my name to be entitled to the family fortune!" I hear a loud thump and an 'umph' from the other person.

"Now do as I say and don't ask another stupid question Vernon!"

I am in complete silence as my brain works in complete overload by the latest words. Right now my executive functioning is down to trying not to be caught off by my off pitched breathing and trying to remain as still as possible.
I am in the grip of silent panic- wild eyes, pupils dilated, heart racing, brain on fire, brain synapses firing like a hyped up internal aurora borealis, like a cluster bomb exploding in my brain.

Nicolai wants to kill me. He actually wants to kill me.

I can feel an unstoppable snowball forming in the pit of my stomach as I try to sit still. I cannot concentrate on anything else. My heart is beating harder and faster and I can feel adrenaline levels rising. Sweat starts to appear all over my skin and all the negative possibilities of how I will die come into my mind.

He can't do this. He can't kill me. Why now? Why marry me for this?

Suddenly the most dreaded thought comes to life.

"Did you hear that?" Vernon replies.

"No" Nicolai abruptly replies until he too stops to notice the faintest noise that surround them.

They are just a few meters away from me. They probably can see me. They can probably hear my timid breathing. They can probably laugh at how stupid I am to think I cannot get caught just sitting here.

I wait for their reaction but there is nothing.

"Come on, I need to find her before the night ends and then create an alibi" Nicolai scruffs and I can hear their steps draw away from me.

I let out the breathe I kept locked away by their presence, but that is when my nightmare becomes a reality.

"Nicolai, I swore I heard something"

"I think I heard it too" He replies slowly.
He is almost a foot away from me. Nicolai is standing with his hands in the air, awaiting to hear a sudden movement of fear.

I don't know what I am doing, but I run, away from him. I don't look back but I can hear him running after me, only realising now that I was listening the whole time.
I am not a slow runner, but compared to him, I am slow enough.

I feel his fingers dig into my cheek before I can scream. The scream is stifled.

I can hear him panting, the pleasure in his breath, like an animal in heat. He is not stealing but rather claiming what is to be rightfully his. He does not speak, no need to tell her not to fight, to make a sound. His fingers do all the work. Cling, hook, crush, threatening to unhinge my very jaw if another sound is to leave my quivering lips. This was how I am to remain, silent, that is until I start to jut out my legs from underneath my grown.

"Let go of me!" I muffle before Vernon tightly secures my hands around my back and covering my mouth with his other hand. I can only stare up to see Nicolai staring down at me, a smudge look on his face.

"Oh well, what do we have here, eh?" He smirks, trailing his finger along the edge of my jaw line.

I shudder with his touch as I try to fight back.

"So you heard our little plan eh?" He mocks me as he keeps on staring, all dressed up in his suit that lingers of nicotine.

I try to breathe as Vernon's hand the tip of my nostrils. I enflare quickly staring up with him. I try my best to make my eyes tell a story of Please don't do this.

But he just laughs at me, his blue eyes sparkling under the pale light. To think those blues could hide so many secrets.

Suddenly, he pulls out a knife from the inside of his coat pocket. The knife is little more than a rusted and jagged blade set in aging wood. The handle is warped and held together by a brass-looking screw. I catch my breath as I stare in sheer horror.

He can't do this. He can't. He doesn't have me. He has our child in the picture. Doesn't he know that?! He can't sacrifice his unborn child. Not for me.

In an absent state of mind, I start praying to whatever there is that can save me. I pray to Gerard, my grandmother, my father's grandparents, even to the odd cat that use to come around the castle when I was eight (I'm presuming it's dead now). I can't help but allow tears of sheer panic fall as I try to breathe and focus on Nicolai under the night sky.

Help! I moan through muffled cries. Vernon places his grip tighter around my small wrists.

Nicolai playfully twists the tip of the knife in his hand again and again as he stares down at me in my knelt down position.

"You know Vernon, I wouldn't mind having the pleasure in doing it myself. The dry bitch was a good kisser, too bad she wasn't good in the bed"

As soon as his words hit me, I feel every word Pierce through my skin, only fuelling the fire that burnt inside of me. Every violated phrase caused my fists to clench and my jaw root. I explode with anger, a scream breaking out of me as I use all my force to kick forward.

Vernon lets go and I leap forward, pouncing on Nicolai. I don't know who threw the first punch, but suddenly my fist is slamming into his face while he sunk into my stomach. Blood pooled in his mouth as I gag. We stumble apart for a brief second to catch our breaths before diving back at each other, eyes narrowed in determination.
I dodge her fist and come up with my own; for a brief instant, his cerulean blue eyes widened before he manages to tilt his head back and slam it into mine.

Stars burst in my vision but I shake it off, blinding throwing a sloppy kick.
He steps back, easily evading the kick.

"Is that all you got?" He crows, smirking infuriatingly at me. I growl and throw myself at him, changing direction at the last minute.
My blood hums in my veins as determination and anger takes over.

In a matter of second, Vernon leaps forward and grabs a hold of my shoulder, pulling me upwards. I respond by turning and kicking him forcefully in the stomach. He recoils and takes a step back before punching forward towards me.
I dodge and fall back to the grass.

Nicolai is still lying on the grass, his hands sprawled out, his knife agape in his open palm. I snatch it and quickly advance to Vernon. I leap forward and aim for his left arm. I get a good aim and he lets out a harsh high pitched scream. He hobbles towards me and I trip, falling over Nicolai's jutted out leg.

In a moment of panic, I try to crawl backwards, but it fails miserably. Vernon grabs my legs and pulls me back towards the oak tree. And in that moment Nicolai manages to spring up. He grabs his knife and steps forward, his soft voice tingling my skin.

"Oh so you want to play in a game that can't be won?"

Slowly, he places the tip of his knife against my cheek. It is so light against my skin I do not feel it at first, until he slashes at the left side of my face.

I can only let out a blood curdling scream as the pain seeps through my skin. My vision goes blurry for a few moments. I try to hold back and before he prepares himself for more, I kick him hard. He falls back and hits his head hard off the ground.

The knife is still in his hand. I reach over and flaunt it again at Vernon. It digs into the side if his neck. He can't defend himself as he stumbles back.

Once he is unconscious, I turn to my next victim.

I do not fret as I start to lay all my worth on Nicolai. He is slow to react as my fist connects to his jaw. He responds by throwing his body weight behind the fist that edges closer to my face. It hits my jaw with such force blood pools into my mouth. Pain erupts from the point of impact. With my own two hands I grasp his head in my hands and bring my knee cap up to his nose, there is a blunt crack and I release his dark haired head.

Crimson leaks from both his nostrils and his nose is twisted right. He draws his fist back again and it ploughs into my stomach, it is like hitting a train head on.

My guts smash together, blood vessels bursting. I repay this by punching his jaw, my fist collides with all my body weight. I continue this battering until he fall to the ground. His chest gently rises and sinks with each shallow breath he draw in.

He is grotesque. Already his eyes are swollen over and bloody spit drools from his slack jaws. He is now as revolting as he should be, finally the outside reflects the man within.

I can't help but feel to urge to want to finish him off; but I can't.
Instead through another strangled breathe, I kneel to his level and whisper sharply "How dare you think you could handle me like that, you ruined me, you destroyed me, you turned me into this monster"

I now lift up his bloody collar and growl "If you tell anyone what happened here today, I will come and kill you, you understand?!"

The only reply is the rise of his chest.
I stare up to listen to the live atmosphere of the wedding reception.
I can't go back, they can't see me like this.

So many thoughts spiral through my mind as I look down at my crimson stained wedding dress.

Without looking back, I run.

They think I'm going mad, but I've only just begun.     

End of Book One