James

As I organise my notes over and over again, I can't help but think what could have happened last night.

I have been stuck in the chamber rooms for five hours now, filing and rewriting every report summary dating back from six years ago. Seventy pages, front and back, filled with meaningless words that I must write in my own hand writing, which is starting to becoming careless and scrawled.

My mind has been spinning from yesterday's encounters and even though writing these documents isn't something I'd like to do, it has been great for distracting me.
I've only been focussing on my fast motion of the ink pen to not even think about anything else. Not even the wet photo shoot, not even Odessa, and especially not last night with Xavier.

As I change from pen to pen, showing off my colour co-ordination skills, I have to stop and let my hand breath as it starts to cramp.
I know I am obeying my duties as future king but I don't think rewriting what goes on in the chamber room will drastically shape the universe.
I feel Father is only forcing me to do this just so he can say I'm doing something, even if it is pure nonsense.

I lean back against my wooden chair stretching out my arms as I stare down at my watch. It reads 2:57 pm. I groan as I slouch forward, preparing another typed out document. 

"April 27th 3725" I murmur to myself choosing a red pen to write the date. The large spacious blue room brings a soft breeze from the open windows. Outside the sky is a deep blue with rippling clouds. Just staring outside I yearn to just walk and get some fresh air into my lungs.

My hand is quite sore from the tight grip of the pen, often cramping after writing thirty five back to front pages. If only I could stop for a moment.

I contemplate staring down at the pile of documents. I'm halfway there.
I should have a little treat I reassure myself as my brain starts to worry about the consequence. I should take a leaf out of Odessa's book and just chance it. What harm would there be in leaving this room for five minutes?

Before I change my mind, I jump from my chair, my left leg tingling with pins and needles.

When I make my way out of the room, I allow my left leg to drag behind as I edge the corner towards the stairs. It takes a second to actually get down but once I manage to get to my bedroom door, I can't help but think what if someone notices I'm gone?

I try and brush it off but the though still forms in the back in my head. Maybe the fresh air might help my swelled head for our worries.

Lately I've been worrying about everything, even the minor details such as if my tea doesn't have the right amount of milk or what would happen if I changed my pillow. My head is taking control of every single action I do and I wish it could stop. It is only minor worries, nothing too big.

As I take a hefty breath swinging open my bedroom door, what I see is not what I expected at all.
As soon as I glance towards her sitting on my bed she can only stare, blinking and grasping what is happening.

I can't even close the door, she rushes over and topless me over, making me fall to the ground.

"James?" she asks breathless, unsure of how to react. I can only let out a brief sound before she pulls me in closer. "I'm so glad to see you" she whispers as I embrace the warmth of her arms around me.
"What are you on about Odessa?" I am taken aback by her quizzical thinking. "What do you mean?"

"I thought they took you, I thought you were a goner"

"What do you mean" I now get up allowing my elbows to rest as I slouch forward. I try to picture the scenario but nothing pops into my dazed mind.

"James I thought the rebels took you" she says calmly as she sits down next to me.

The force of her words hit me hard, leaving me only looking up at her face. Her eyes have small bags, she must have been up all night worrying. But her eyes, they light up with sincere relief and her cracked swollen lips perk up. I should be thinking this is all a cruel joke but her reaction stuns me, leaving me shaken. As she kneels beside my awkward position of propped up elbows, I can't help but wonder how she even thought of something so bizarre.

"I was stuck with Xavier down in the servant quarters" I carefully choose my words as she doesn't know anything about my secret haven. She tucks a piece of her loosely hanging red hair behind her ear, memorising my words.

"The servant quarters? Why were you there, out of all places?

"It was the only place I could run too" I lie. "Look that doesn't matter. I want to know how the hell you thought I was bloody kidnapped." I can easily let all the words fall out; it seems Odessa doesn't care about our previous encounters especially after Nicolai's announcement.

She only stares down at her sapphire coloured day dress, trailing her slender figure on the loose folds before looking up. This time I see deep concern written across her plump face.

"I received a note last night in my room" she reaches down to her pocket and reveals a small cream crippled envelope. It seems Odessa has read this message over and over again with her marked folding and visible finger prints.

I stretch out my hand to take it from her. Carefully open the envelope, the deep scrawled writing appears.

Suddenly my eyes become blurry as I can only drop the card and swallowing hard, my hands becoming clammy. Odessa wearily places a hand on my shoulder, unsure of how to react. Her gentleness warms my now trembling body. "It was a sick joke James, there is no need to worry" she bites down on her bottom lips. She always does this when she's anxious. "God I shouldn't have told you in the first place" she lets out a shaky laugh to cover up her increasing fear.

I don't know how to react. I was so caught up with minor issues I never saw the bigger picture. As the next heir to the throne I am a target, a target that can face fatal consequences.

I am lost in thought trying to stop the infernal screaming in my head. Even though my hangover state is over it seems I am slowly becoming intoxicated with my own deep thoughts and worries.

I let out a sharp breath as I try to freeze time and stop my spiralling thoughts from taking over. I do not notice my oscillating hands swinging from left and right. It is my usual habit for when panic attacks start to form. I can't help it but it just happens. There is no way I can stop it. Not even the thoughts of playing the piano can soothe my erupted burst of heavy breathing and beckoning thoughts.

It is only when I feel the touch of Odessa's hand on mine do I come back into the room. She looks concern at me, unable to grasp what she just saw.

"O-Oh s-sorry...it's a usual habit" I try to shrug it off. Of course James. Always trying to laugh even the serious things away..

"James I knew you had your moments but I never thought you were.." she stops trying to come up with what to say.

"What? A crippling fool with anxiety?" I finish. She squeezes me hand tightly. "No James, never" Her voice is so soft it helps me maintain my breathing as I coax myself. Breathe in....and out.....in and out...in and out...

She stares as I get up from my lying position propped up position to sit upwards, my shoulders slouched forward as I try to control my shaking hands in her grasp. She waits until she has my full attention as ask, "How long have you been having these moments"

I let it all out, words I kept inside for too. I let out a sniffle before saying "Well my first one was after Gerard's funeral. I simply locked myself in my room and allowed it to happen. They happened daily for a period of two weeks. I thought they were over but after attacking Nicolai.." it all comes out, I feel all the weight from my shoulders lifting me. "I can't stop myself"

She lets go of my hand to cover her agape lips, her eyes opening up wider. I didn't think she'd react this way. I thought she would think I was a coward.

"Oh James, I'm so sorry" she says her voice cracking as a single tear falls down her right cheek. I can't help but want to hug her but I simply shrug. No matter what I can't let my persona get to me. I need to stay strong, I can't let my guard down not right here, not now.

"I can't believe you kept this from me, I mean of all things"

"Well you had bigger issues to handle" I look her up and down. She is still tackling her weight but she doesn't dare to mention it, not to mention her strange sleeping patterns of late. Alexander has told me she is always tired even if she goes to bed at eight o'clock. It seems I'm not the only one who has demons in their minds.

Now she squeezes my arm. "I can't believe I treated you so badly lately"

"It's fine, I deserved it" I only say but she continues on. "No you didn't, not one bit."

Now I start to let everything unfold. "I never meant to hurt you Odessa, I swear. I never wanted to hurt you but Father threatened me and I was forced to say it all, I never did"

I think she sees my solidarity of concern and grief as she leans over and hugs me once again. I return the action, unsure of how to react. I should feel relieved telling someone how I've been feeling but instead I feel a huge lump lodged in my throat as if my vocal chords want me to say no more.

Suddenly my bedside clock flashes 3:30. Immediately I respond by getting up and brushing myself clean from the carpet. "Look I better get back to work, I shouldn't have left in the first place"

She follows and grabs my hand. "James you need to sit down and relax. The past few days haven't been the best" but I pull away looking away. "No I need to fulfil my duties"

Before I turn away she says "You need to start allowing your heart rule over your head"

I stop frozen. Those words have often been said by Gerard, his usual words for whenever we were too occupied with our thoughts to realise what was in front of us. He often said it laughing after nudging my head. I can only stop and breathe, trying to let her words not get to me.

If only she knew that sometimes my heart and my head rule too much, leaving me a mess.

I rush back to the chamber room, this time my legs actually moving with great pace.

The thoughts from Odessa fill my mind, causing me to feel trapped and incontrollable of what I feel. But it stops once my breathing hitches at the sight in front of me.

Father stands before the table, examining my work. As soon as he notices my presences he stares. "Where were you?"

"Oh I went to get a new pen, the others stopped working" I lie not daring to look straight into his eyes. He stands still and remarks "It took you a half an hour to just get a pen to which you don't even have"

I stand by the door preparing myself for his wrath. As he inspects my work, my heart jumps when he scatters the sheets on the floor. "Disgraceful. You need to start this all again and have it all sorted alphabetically by six o'clock"

"But that's only two and a half hours away-" I protest but he slams his fists on the table. "Just do as I say and there will be no harm done, understood?"

As he walks towards me, I let my fingers tremble beside my side.

"And this time don't let anything distract you" he growlsbitterly, leaving me to start all over again.

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Sorry for the short chapter, I do hope you enjoy :D x