[TRIGGER WARNING - PARENTAL ABUSE AND EATING DISORDER DISCUSSED - READ AT YOUR OWN RISK]

As Camden steps through the automatic doors of the grey building, her heart beats in sync with her footsteps and her breathing is steading. Her fear for this building was once strong and her throat would burn achingly but now, she felt at peace with her situation.

The familiar red headed receptionist greets her energetically, her eyes soft and welcoming as she hands over an iPad. Sharon was her name, Camden didn't mind her. The flat screen that Camden used to fill out her wellness form and wrote down her behaviours and thoughts over the past week. It wasn't as personal as a journal but it was thorough. She could recite the questions with her eyes closed by now.

As she glances around the pale blue walls and settles on the cloud like couch, she allows her eyes to wander. She glances over the hand picked magazines thrown across the table in an array of colourful gardens and motor vehicles. There weren't many magazines that were appropriate for this organisation - they needed to be benefitting for any of the individuals who stepped foot inside the building.

Her hazel orbs flick to the oak door with the golden name plate reading "DR. CHENG TJU" in evenly spaced out bold lettering. Camden's willing attendance was because of the brilliant woman behind that door. She, alongside her aunt and cousin, were the reason Camden made it as far as she has - Camden would forever owe them.

From a young age, Camden saw the way her mother looked at her - as a problem that needed to be fixed. She saw her mother's winces when she laughed causing her chin to double and her stomach to continue moving seconds after she ceased laughter. She saw how her mother's eyes turned into slits when food was mentioned in a conversation.

She was told countless times how much her mother regretted allowing Camden to eat without regret for as long as she had. Camden learnt quickly that Anita Sawyer wanted her to be thinner, she wanted her to be the annual winner of Seattle's beauty pageants. Camden was forced to follow in her mother's footsteps to allow Anita to be the pageant mum who would have the weight loss secrets that the other mums would beg for.

Camden heard every loud and obnoxious comment made by the attendees at birthday parties and play dates when she asked if she could have a sip of soda or a bite of the cake. She heard the advice adults would offer to her mother to help the cravings stop.

Camden didn't understand why she was handed the water and vegetable sticks while the other children were led to the table coated with sugary sweets and various cakes that were calling her name. She didn't understand why her mother would shoot her disgusted and disappointed looks when her stomach rumbled.

Camden was too young to realise that her mother had indeed heard the other kids taunts and insults which caused tears to well up in her eyes but had felt Camden needed to hear the harsh truth from someone.

For her ninth birthday, she was gifted a scrap book of magazine cut outs from her mother. It was placed in the top shelf of the hallway cupboard which become a place of fear for Camden. Her mother would grab the folder and force Camden to look at the cut outs of models with thigh gaps and stomachs as thin as their wrists. Camden was informed of the differences and was made to recite them until she was sobbing her heart out.

No more did her mother force the green juices down her throat instead of solid foods because one glance at that folder and Camden was voluntarily drinking them. Dry heaving over a toilet bowl filled with green acid became a common state her mother would walk in on.

Camden had once hoped for mother to rush to the side and offer her solace but she would only receive an encouraging smile. The small action made the bitter taste and the burning in her throat worth it to Camden because her mother was finally happy with her.

She grew happier as her head begin to feel light and the black dots that would cloud her vision became her companions - they told her she was okay, she was becoming healthy. She was steadily becoming the daughter her mother wanted and if ignoring her aching stomach enlightened her mother then she would. She was becoming the perfect daughter.

Camden's daily trip to the bathroom scales began to darken as the numbers refused to budge. Her mother's grin disappeared and Camden would be hunched over the folder for hours on end, studying the physiques of the models. She began to see how different her appearance was and every time, Camden would glance up from the folder, she'd have red skin and swollen eyes.

By Camden's tenth birthday, her peers and teachers would offer her food as they stared at her sunken skin and her bony figure but she would shake her head. She only had a few pounds left to go and then, she would be okay.

However, one day during recess, Jessica Stanley walked into the restroom and found Camden's unconscious body draped across the toilet bowl, her hand stuck down her throat. Camden was told Jessica saved her life that day.

However, she didn't see it that way. Camden blamed Jessica for her weight gain because if it weren't for her, she wouldn't be in the hospital but at home drinking another juice.

If it weren't for Jessica, multiple doctors wouldn't be lying to her about being skinny - she would be home and her mum would tell her the truth. Her mum is the only one who wouldn't lie but now, her mum wasn't allowed inside the hospital and Camden wasn't allowed out.

Camden grew to resent Jessica as the other girl visited her during her hospitalisation and filled her in on what was happening at school - nothing academic, purely gossip of course. The other girl would question her why she threw up and Camden would tell her, not knowing Jessica was repeating every word to her doctors after each visit.

Camden experienced her first panic attack when they began to feed her through a stomach tube - she was so close. She couldn't understand why they didn't want to help her. She was taught in school that having goals was good, so why were so many people against hers?

For three months, Camden was sedated each meal time and she lay limply as the doctors fed the tube. They would reassure her that it was helping her but all she could hear were her mother's cruel words. The doctors' concerned stares transformed into her disgusted snarl and light touches turned into harsh proddings at her ribs as her mother's familiar tut echoed in her ears. Her mother wasn't there but Camden couldn't escape her.

Camden was assigned a therapist a few weeks after her hospitalisation. Dr Cheng Tju was written on the name tag but she insisted for Camden to call her Cheng. Camden liked the cardigan the doctor wore, it was covered with colourful fish and one in particular reminded her of Nemo.

When Dr Cheng asked Camden questions about what happened, she answered honestly because she believed her mother was helping her. It took a few months for Camden to accept that her once delicate voice would forever be a raspy note due to the constant strain placed upon it.

It didn't take long afterwards for Camden's mind to clear from her mother's wrong doing and allow her to see how Anita Sawyer wasn't a good mother. Camden understood that a good mother would've loved Camden when she loved herself. A good mother wouldn't have slowly but surely stripped away Camden's love for her own body.

During Camden's stay at the hospital, she met Sheriff Swan. He was a nice but awkward man who informed Camden how her aunt would be taking care of her while her mother couldn't. She asked the kind man why she couldn't explain to her mother what Dr Cheng had been talking to her about. She didn't understand why things couldn't go back to before the folder.

Camden adored her aunt Georgina, she adored her new house and her younger cousin Joan but she was confused. Camden missed her mother even after everything, but she knew it was better for her to live with her aunt.

Camden grew determined to keep a steady weight not for her aunt, but for herself. At the age of fourteen, she visited Dr Cheng on a weekly basis and found herself understanding that she had bigger bones. Bones that needed more meat to be protected completely and that made sense.

It made sense to protect and cherish her body instead of harm and put strain on it. Everything made sense now that she had the freedom to think for herself.

Now at the age of nineteen, Camden is able to wear shorts out in public, she can wear shoe string tops and she isn't ashamed. She liked herself - not love, she wasn't there yet, but she was on the way to loving herself. Looking in the mirror was a painful journey, one which Cheng assisted her with quite a bit.

Camden was set small, repetitive tasks when she was released from the hospital by Cheng. In comparison to the orders set by the doctors, Cheng's were small in quantity, but enormous in quality. Camden was invited - never asked or suggested - to smile in the mirror at herself twice a day and at the end of each week to say one thing she sees herself as.

Camden's answer was needed to be a positive one. An answer that would inspire and encourage her recovery, one that would help her smile. Camden couldn't always think of a word immediately, it would take some time for her to register all of the progress she had made during that week.

When it became overwhelming, Camden would close her eyes and count to twenty. It took the strain off of her mind and she would open her eyes and look at her reflection in the mirror. She would think of her week and pick the word that made her smile - it made her feel content.

She was capable of loving herself, it just took time and Camden had nowhere to be.

"Camden? Dr Cheng is ready for you in her office," Sharon's soft, delicate voice wakes Camden from her slight doze.

Camden straightens her back, eye lids fluttering open to reveal her puffy eyes. "Thank you, Sharon."

She rises from the couch, her back popping loudly which evokes an embarrassed giggle from her as she avoids Sharon's gaze. Her jean clad legs rub together as she walks, her thighs joined and caressing the other firmly.

She raises her fist and knocks - once, twice. "Come in, Camden."

Cheng called from behind the door, her tone both firm and welcoming. She had years of perfectly creating the right tone to use with Camden. Camden remembers the transformation from Cheng's loud voice from her visit to now. She had been thankful for her therapist's dedication to assisting her.

She twists the brass door knob and shuffles inside, shutting the door firmly behind her. Her eyes glance up from the carpeted flooring and to Cheng. Her greying black hair is in a loose bun with loose hairs falling in her ivory skinned face.

Camden thought that the Chinese woman couldn't be older than her aunt whose in her mid forties. The woman in questions rises from behind the desk and gestures for Camden to take a seat.

"How are you feeling Camden?" she questions loosely with sharp eyes that scan her face.

"Today has been rough," Camden replies honestly, her hands rubbing against her thighs.

She closes her eyes briefly. They expand because that's normal, they are relaxed and so is she.

"Your thighs need to be strong to hold your body up, Camden. Does this upset you?" her words are spoken carefully.

"It upset me how much the skin expanded. I couldn't think of any positives to help," her voice is wobbly as tears once again fill her eyes.

Her thighs weren't like her cousin's - they wobbled and made her footsteps heavy compared to the light pitter patter of Joan's dancer feet. She knew she shouldn't compare herself to others but some days were just too hard.

"I felt like I was being judged - but no one was home except Georgina and Joan. I know they don't judge me, I know they love me but a small voice in my head was whispering the opposite. I- I listened until I thought of all the progress I've made," she continues, the first few tears falling down her cheeks.

"Camden, you have made so much progress and you will tend to have days where you want to crawl into bed and not come out. Today, you didn't - you overcame the voice. You left the house and you came to see me - you still went about with your day. You should be proud of that Camden, I know I am and I need you to know that, okay?" Cheng murmurs with confidence. "I am proud of you."

Camden offers a watery smile and accepts the tissue from Cheng to dab at her wet eyes.

"Has the entire week been like today?"

Camden shakes her head. "No, it was just today."

"Okay, that's good. Now, what was Camden Sawyer this week?" Cheng asks with a small grin.

Camden looks down at her reflection in the her phone camera; her brown eyes trace over her chapped lips, gapped teeth, round cheeks, puffy eyes and messy hair. Barefaced and a little chaotic but Camden smiles happily; this is who she is and she's okay with that.

"I am... better."

She will always have difficult days but she is recovering. Camden has long accepted that she will never rid herself of the negative thoughts or desires that came to her in her dark hours but she was better and she was okay with that.

( N O T E )

Please let me know if you liked it or not. Feedback is appreciated.

I hope you are all staying safe.

Love you.

(12/04/20)