And there he was.
Staring into the distance.
The wind blowing through his hair.
It was too short to actually make a difference in an action sequence but he had no problem imagining it did.
He stroked it with his fingers all through to the back.
He stroked it again.
'Sold! To the gentleman with the receding hairline!'
It was a wig. 'Nobody has to know that!' He kept telling me.
I stared into the distance. 'And nobody ever will,' I said.
Sometimes happiness can be found in the most superficial things, like a full head of hair.
Music boxes. Ballerina boxes

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands

That was a little display of the chaos that goes on in my head. It starts off the moment I'm alone.
The pen is my loudspeaker sometimes but it can only amplify so much.
The more I learn the more chaos.
The more I experience the more chaos. It seems to stir up faster than I can express it. Manage it.
It's like my mind is a small room with an anxious character surrounded by red buttons yelling, 'Can I touch it???!' Or 'What does this one do?!' And it just goes on. Chaos.

When that chaos finds purpose, when it finds meaning, or more accurately a playmate, joy arises.
Being alone doesn't mean there aren't people around me. It just means they can't relate with my chaos. My joy sits in the corner of that small room. Watching. Waiting. With earmuffs ofcourse.
The greatest sadness for a ticking time bomb is missing the opportunity to explode. Or not having anyone to blow up. I'm a ticking time bomb. All the time. 'Explode for me,' as if.

I'm happy after I draw a nice picture.
I hate the process though.
I'm happy when I write a nice song.
I'm happy when I find a good book.
The diligence to see it through though. I'm happy when I make someone laugh. I've always found that strange.. a bit deranged as well.
I'm happy when I rhyme.
And when I write a lame joke.
I'm happy I don't have to be with people to laugh.
I'm happy when I'm alone.
The thought in itself is ecstatic.
I'm happy the world revolves around me. Because it does.
I'm happy when people don't like that. Being a narcissist brings me joy.
I'm happy people put up with it anyway. I'm happy I can't hold a grudge. Without much effort too. I just forget it.
To be honest, I can't really track when it starts, the happiness I mean. But I know it's always there. Watching. Waiting. With earmuffs ofcourse. I'm a bit louder than I look. Up here. In here.