─────────── shameless
⨳ 𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝟬𝟬𝟱 . . . ꗃ ≀ ▊✹
❛ me   and the devil ! ❜ · ˚.‧ .

✹ . . . "AND I TOLD HIM THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW MY dad found out about the scuba gear, but it wasn't me who told him, and it wasn't you either," Sarah explained as she and Lilla walked side by side onto their favorite hidden spot on the beach, both dressed in bikinis and wearing sunglasses. "I made it a point to add that last part, by the way, because how people are when it comes to you." She raised her brows, giving the girl beside her a knowing look.

Usually, Lilla would smile at the teasing expression, but this time, she looked over at her with furrowed brows. "Wait, but you told me Topper had told your dad," she recalled, thinking back to what she'd been told before they went to the party.

"Yeah, well, I assumed Topper told him since he was the only one who knew about it besides us," Sarah admitted, waving her hand aimlessly as she stared ahead. "And I still don't know how he found out." She looked over at the girl beside her. "But I didn't tell John B. because I didn't want to cause any more problems, y'know?"

Lilla nodded as they came to a stop. "Did he believe you?"

"Yeah," Sarah said, both of them removing their towels from their bags. They unrolled them, tossing them out so that they were flying in the wind before they laid them down as flat as they could on the sand. "It actually didn't take much."

"Well, it's good that he knows," Lilla replied, sitting on her towel while Sarah sat on hers. They set their bags beside them and laid back, preparing to tan. They'd applied their sunscreen before leaving so that it would be dry by the time they got there, not wanting to have to deal with it and the wind blowing the sand in their direction. It was nice for Lilla being there on the beach with Sarah; the two of them just needed some time to themselves, away from everything and everyone, especially the blonde.

Sarah hummed in agreement, looking up at the sky, still wearing her sunglasses. She went quiet as Lilla shut her eyes, beginning her peaceful relaxation. Then she scoffed, like an annoying thought crossed her mind during the quietness.

Lilla looked over at her in confusion, her brows knitted.

Sarah copied her actions, meeting her gaze, though neither of them could see the other's eyes behind the dark lenses. "I'm not over Topper getting mad at me at the party," she confessed, then sighed. "The nerve he has is starting to become too much for me."

"I'm sorry, Sarah," Lilla replied sympathetically.

Sarah looked away from her with a sigh, returning her focus to the sky above. "It's okay."

Lilla looked up at the sky as well, closing her eyes as she tried to get comfortable. But her mind wouldn't allow her to. She thought back to the party, brows furrowed, not being able to stop herself since Sarah had brought it up. Her thoughts specifically focused on how Rafe had been selling cocaine and no doubt doing it too. She wondered if Sarah knew about it. She was his sister, after all.

Focusing back on her best friend beside her, the question settling on the tip of her tongue, she sat up, propped up on her elbows. "Uhm..." Lilla muttered, looking away from Sarah once she glanced over. She was trying to act nonchalant, not wanting to seem like she cared a little too much about it. Because she didn't. She was just... curious, was all. "Speaking of the party, did you know that Rafe was selling and doing yayo?"

"Yayo?" Sarah raised her brows.

Lilla shut her eyes and shook her head. "Sorry. Cocaine."

"Oh." Sarah lifted her chin in understanding, sitting up as Lilla watched her. Her head turned over her shoulder, and she looked down at her best friend, who was still lying back on her elbows. "Uh, no, I didn't. I mean, I know that he does it sometimes, but I wasn't sure if it was often and on his own or not. I'm surprised he was selling it though."

Lilla sat up fully, tucking her hair behind her ears. "Right." She bopped her head a few times, looking down at the towel instead of Sarah, who was watching her closely. She knew she was studying her, thinking about something that she wouldn't like. "I just hope he doesn't get in too deep 'cause I've seen what addiction can do to people firsthand," she admitted and immediately squeezed her eyes shut, regretting it.

Luckily, Sarah was too focused on something else to question her about it. "Oh, my God." Her expression changed into one Lilla wouldn't like if she was looking at her, her mouth hanging open as she held back a smile. "You so like him," she said like she knew life's secrets, eyeing her best friend with a knowing look. "And that's exciting, but I don't completely understand why."

Lilla's eyes shot to her quickly. "I do not have a crush on him."

"I didn't say you had a crush on him." Sarah finally smiled, pointing a telling finger at her, only getting a bored look in return, though she didn't seem to notice. "I said that you like him, which could be taken two different ways."

"How else could it be taken?" Lilla crossed her arms, raising a brow.

"Liking someone could mean that you have a crush on them, yes, but"—Sarah pointed her finger a little harsher—"it could also mean that you no longer hate him, which is what I meant." She placed her hand on her chest, over her heart, still with a small smile on her face. "I don't want my brother and best friend feuding, even though it is understandable on your part 'cause he drives me crazy too." She shrugged and leaned back on her hands, looking at the view in front of them and feeling the breeze on her face as she seemed to relish in a small victory. "You assuming I meant you have a crush on him really speaks volumes, though, doesn't it?"

"Well, neither way is correct, and no, it doesn't speak volumes," Lilla retorted, sounding extremely sure of her words. Because she was. She did not have a crush on Rafe, nor did she like him in a way that meant she could tolerate him. She lifted her chin as she also leaned back on her hands and focused on the water in front of them, watching the crashing waves.

"Wait." Sarah looked over at Lilla quickly, the smile now gone, confusion in its place. "When have you ever seen what addiction can do to someone firsthand?" She asked, her question being something Lilla had been wishing and praying wouldn't come up but knew would.

Lilla didn't dare to meet her gaze for a moment as she tensed. Then she carelessly smirked, focusing on Sarah with a teasing look. "You and the other Kooks always forget that I used to live in the Cut. But don't worry, even the Pogues forget sometimes."

They forgot because she never talked about it. She had made such an image for herself as Lilla Morales-Grey, the island's Rich Bitch, that no one seemed to remember that she had always gone to school with them but wasn't noticed because she never strayed from the back of the class and never acted up. It wasn't until the fifth grade that the Kooks actually learned her name, when her family had gotten money and had become well-known in the rich society. When they'd become members of the country club and moved to Figure Eight.

Lilla sighed, dropping the smile, and shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. "My neighbors were addicts, and I used to hang out with their son." She focused on and picked at a loose thread on her towel. "I didn't really understand what was happening when I was younger, but it's stuck with me 'till this day." She sighed. "That's why I don't drink or anything. I guess part of me is scared that I'll become addicted too," she confessed, feeling weird speaking about her childhood and her fears, even though Sarah was her best friend. It just wasn't something she liked to talk about or think about. She liked to keep the past in the past right where it belonged. "Dante and I were kids when we lived there," she continued, "and it was only until we were about ten, as you know. Our parents had been trying to jumpstart their restaurant, and eventually they did. It started going well and getting more and more successful. Then they finally got us enough money to move out of the Cut and into Figure Eight." She looked up at Sarah and softly smiled. "That's when I met you."

It had taken her parents about two years after opening their restaurant for them to move to Figure Eight, but they did it, and Lilla was extremely proud of them. She didn't hate the fact that she was once considered a Pogue or from the Cut, but she was glad to not still be there. Her life was so much better, and she only had her parents to thank. And, she guessed, Ward Cameron, too, because he had been one of the main investors in the business. He had helped get it off the ground and out of her parents' heads and make it something real. But it was her parents who had kept it going.

They were the magic behind it all.

Sarah just remained quiet, her expression falling into something between surprise and sympathy, maybe even pity.

Lilla hated it, the look on her best friend's face, so she looked away, feeling awkward with the admission of what her childhood had been like. She inhaled and exhaled through her nose, continuing to play with the loose thread on her towel as Sarah's eyes flickered over the side of her face. Then she stood, dusting off her hands, even though there was no sand on them.

Sarah kept watching her.

"I'm going to swim," Lilla said with a tense smile, setting sunglasses down on her towel.

She walked away after that, and Sarah just sat there at a loss for words.

━━━━━

✹ . . . SHE'D FOUGHT WITH HER PARENTS. Like actually argued with them.

It was such a strange feeling because it never happened—not to that degree, at least. They always got along besides the smallest disagreements here and there like any other parent-child relationship. But this had been a big argument. An argument over nothing—over something Lilla couldn't even remember.

All she knew as she walked to her car that was in the garage was that she had been so on edge since confessing her childhood to Sarah that the smallest thing set her off. She didn't mean to blow up on them. But she had, and it just grew and grew until she was sobbing and had to leave the house before she got even more upset. Even Dante had been surprised by the outburst, enough not to follow her when she walked out the door. They all knew she just needed some space to calm down. She needed to go to her comfort place—her comfort person.

Sarah.

And that was what she was doing as she opened the driver's door of her car, wiping away her tears with her sleeve, though it didn't do much because they were uncontrollably falling down her face. She got in her car and closed the door as she pressed the garage opener. The door slowly rose, and she hit the start button next to her steering wheel, letting her engine come to life. Once the door was fully up, she shifted the gear to reverse before she began backing out.

When she was out of her driveway, she closed the garage, shifted to drive, and began heading to Tannyhill, needing to be with Sarah at the moment. The tears continued down her face as she went down the road and eventually turned into the driveway of the large Cameron home. She put her car in park, turned it off, and got out, locking it with a press of the button on her keys and tucking them in her back pocket. Then she made her way inside the house, not knocking or ringing the doorbell before doing so.

After almost a decade of doing the same thing over and over again, the Camerons were all used to it and didn't mind. She'd even been given her own key, though the doors were rarely locked unless it was nighttime and they were all sleeping. It was just barely approaching evening, however, so she didn't have to worry about that.

She just hoped Sarah was there.

Going upstairs, Lilla began towards Sarah's room. She wiped away her tears using her sleeve, her vision blurred by them, her pace fast, wanting to find her best friend. Then she ran straight into something. No, it was someone—someone's hard chest, which made her forehead hurt a bit. The expensive, masculine cologne gave away who it was before she could even look up. And the fact that he was wearing a frat boy-esque Polo, khaki shorts, and white sneakers with not a single spec of dirt on them didn't help either. She was just glad he wasn't wearing loafers again.

When she finally looked up, her suspicions were confirmed as her eyes landed on Rafe, who was looking down at her with confusion. She despised that he was seeing her in that state—puffy and teary-eyed, with messed up mascara and a red nose from crying. It was embarrassing and not the hottest look. Not that she cared about him thinking she was hot—she did not whatsoever—but still.

"You good?" he asked, surprising her.

She sniffled a bit in response, trying to not let her nose run as she gave him a blank look. "Like you care," she muttered under her breath, rolling her eyes and moving past him, still wanting to find Sarah, her shoulder hitting his in the process.

He turned around to watch her as he held open his arms. "I was just trying to be nice."

She instantly stopped in her tracks, her irritation still high. She whipped around to glare at him, seeing his stupid face. She hated that he was actually attractive. It made him much more annoying. "When are you ever nice?" She didn't even give him a second to answer before she turned around again and continued to Sarah's room.

Unfortunately, she could hear his footsteps behind her.

She ignored him though and opened the bedroom door. And as she did, her eyes caught on all of Sarah's things, but not Sarah. She wasn't there. Lilla sighed just as she felt Rafe's presence behind her.

He, too, looked into the room over her head, the heat of his body right behind hers. Then he leaned down, whispering, "Sarah isn't here, by the way," into her ear. Shivers ran down her spine, causing her to shudder, and he noticed.

Lilla turned around quickly, like she had done before, glaring at him again. "Why didn't you tell me that before?" She crossed her arms over her chest, raising her brows as he looked down at her, a smirk on his face.

"'Cause you gave me two seconds to speak." He leaned a little closer, still smirking. "And I'm not nice, as you said."

She gave him a bored look.

He countered her look with a pout, clearly just to mess with her. "Don't look at me like that," he told her, tucking a bit of her hair behind her ear. He watched as she side-eyed the gesture and then met his gaze. "Tell me what happened. Why are you crying? Last time I saw you like this was when you and what's-his-face broke up."

"Aaron. His name is Aaron," she replied, and then raised her chin a little higher, trying to seem unbothered. "And how am I supposed to know that you won't use what happened against me?" There was nothing to use against her about this, really, besides the fact that crying made her look rough.

"I'm not as bad as you think, Lilla."

She laughed, finding his words quite amusing. "I'd beg to differ."

He lifted a brow, his smirk returning as his eyes trailed down the length of her body before finding hers once more. "I didn't know begging was something you're into, but I'm knocking you for it."

Her mouth fell open as he, again, tucked some of her hair behind her ear, this time on the opposite side. Then she gained her composure a bit and smacked his hand away with an annoyed expression on her face. "You're disgusting," she told him, then closed Sarah's door and moved past him, planning on finding somewhere else to go. She didn't know where, but any place would be fine if it was away from him.

His hand fell on her wrist, and he quickly, yet gently, tugged her back to him. "Hey, I'm sorry," he said almost pleadingly as she turned around to face him with a scowl. "I won't tell anyone, I swear." He dropped her wrist, and she crossed her arms over her chest. He offered her a small smile and gestured to himself. "Lay it on me."

She just stared at him for a long moment, contemplating if she should tell him or not. She knew it would be a bad idea, but she wouldn't feel fully calmer until she talked about it at least once. Her tears had stopped, which was a good thing—she did not want to be sobbing her eyes out in front of Rafe Cameron—but she could still feel lingering bits of anger and frustration. She ran a hand through her hair, the other one falling to her side, as she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Then she let out a sigh. "Fine," she said grumbly, dropping her other hand to her side and focusing on him. "But can we at least sit down?"

He nodded and raised his hand in the direction of his door. She wasn't sure if going to his room was the best thing to do after what had happened the last time she was in there, but she followed him anyway. He opened the door for her, letting her go in as she ducked under his arm. She ignored how her shoulder brushed his chest in the process. He left the door open as they went over to his bed, sitting on the edge.

They fell silent for a while before she inhaled deeply and exhaled. Her eyes were focused on the floor, and she felt him staring at her, no doubt waiting for her to explain why she'd been crying. "I got into an argument with my parents," she began, her voice low, only loud enough for him to hear, though she wasn't sure anyone else was in the house. Maybe only Wheezie, who was probably in her room. "It was over something stupid, and I can't even remember what it was, if I'm being honest. But it got heated when I started to get really frustrated. I was already upset about something, and them questioning me just set me off."

"What were you upset about?" he asked.

She looked over at him with a hint of confusion and then realized what he meant. She opened her mouth to speak, but she didn't want to talk about her childhood. She wasn't in the mood to revisit it again. "Nothing important," she lied, shaking her head softly. "I just told Sarah something that I don't like talking about very much."

He nodded once and didn't say anything more as he let her continue.

"I just sort of blew up on them, yelling and crying for no reason at all. They don't deserve that, and it wasn't even that serious, but it was like I couldn't control my anger." She sighed, running a hand through her short hair, her eyes trained on the floor again. "I feel really bad, and I want to apologize, but I needed to get out of there just for a little bit before I went off anymore. That was why I came over here. I wanted to talk to Sarah about it."

"I know how you feel," he muttered, his own eyes on the floor as he nodded.

She looked over him with furrowed brows.

He found her gaze. "I'm serious," he continued. "I have spurts of anger sometimes, and I know I shouldn't do the things I do or say the things I say during them, but it's like I can't control it." He just barely smiled, still staring at her, though it wasn't one of amusement or happiness. It was one of frustration. "I know I can be an asshole sometimes"—Lilla let out a light laugh, to which he gave her a bored look—"but I am trying to be better. With you, at least."

She looked at him curiously. "Why with me?"

"Because you're my sister's best friend, Lilla," he answered, sounding like he was teasing her a bit. "And I've never had a problem with you, and..." He paused, staring at her inquisitively while her eyes flickered over his face, waiting for him to go on. He turned away from her, looking at the wall in front of him as he swallowed. "In fact, I, uh..." He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head. "I had a crush on you at one point."

She laughed, shaking her head, her eyes going a little wider with disbelief as she also looked forward at nothing in particular. "No, you didn't."

He looked over at her. "Yes, I did."

Her eyes found his, then she noticed his smile. His dangerous smile. "I don't believe you. All you've ever been to me since the day we met is an asshole."

This made his smile turn into a smirk as something seemed to cross his mind. "That's not... completely true." He went quiet for a moment, just staring at her. "But I do like irritating you," he admitted, his smirk deepening. "Like I said the other day, you're cute when you're mad. It's like an elf trying to be intimidating."

"Excuse you!?" She raised her brows questioningly, her jaw dropping at his comparison of her to an elf. "I take offense to that." She lifted her chin and looked away from him. He just chuckled beside her, and she fought back the urge to smile. She wasn't going to let him know that she thought he was funny sometimes. His ego was big enough. "Wait." She glanced over at him again as a thought crossed her mind and his laughter died out. "When did you have a crush on me?"

He just shrugged like it was nothing. "Around the same time you wrote that letter."

Her mouth opened as if she were going to speak, but she couldn't get the words out. He found her eyes, and she just stared at him. If he was telling the truth, which he must've been because he had no reason to lie, she could've given him that letter, and he could've told her, and they could've...

"That's..." She didn't even know what to say.

"Yeah," he breathed out.

Both of them focused forward, not really staring at anything in particular as they just sat in silence. Lilla fiddled with her fingers, not sure if she was making up the tension that had settled between them in her head or not. Could he feel it too? He must've. She didn't know why it was there. Maybe because they had both liked each other at one point but didn't admit it, and now they knew and didn't like each other like that anymore. Or maybe they did. She wasn't sure about him, and she wasn't really sure about herself either, as much as she hated to admit it.

If she did still like him, she wouldn't mind it, even though he was an ass. She had liked him before, and he was an ass back then. But she wasn't sure if she did. Sure, had she continued to notice his attractiveness over the years as they grew up? Of course she did; it was hard not to. He was Rafe Cameron, after all. He was her best friend's brother, and she was always around him. He was always in her face, either just hanging around the same place as her or teasing and taunting her, which she now knew was because he thought she was cute when mad.

He thought she was cute.

Did that mean he thought she was attractive?

What was the difference?

Was it cute, like an adorable litter of kittens cute, or cute, like he thought she was pretty?

Why did she care?

Her mind was running, and she glanced over at him, her eyes focused on the side of his face. Then he looked over at her, his gaze falling on hers. His expression was unreadable, and her heart was beating rapidly. There was no way she still liked him. Yeah, he was hot or whatever, but he was also irritating and annoying and egotistical, much like her ex, which had been one of the main reasons they'd broken up in the first place.

Not to mention, Rafe did cocaine.

Even if it was not often and not too serious like Sarah had assumed, Lilla wasn't sure she wanted to be with someone who was into that kind of stuff, which made it really hard to find anyone on the island to be with.

Her eyes danced between his, and she could've sworn she saw him leaning in. Then he glanced at her lips, and her breath hitched. Was he going to kiss her? Did she want him to kiss her? Did she want to kiss him? Was she just imagining things? She wasn't sure, so she did the only logical thing she could think of. She cleared her throat as she looked away from him again; her hands fell on her knees, and she rubbed them along her skin, which made him focus the action. Then she stood up from the bed, her back to him as she clasped her hands together.

"Welp." She turned around to face him with a tight, awkward smile. "I should be going," she said, rocking on her heels as he watched her. She spun around again, preparing to get out of there as quickly as possible, but she didn't move from her spot as something else crossed her mind. She tried to will herself to just leave, but she had to say something; she didn't want him getting the wrong idea. "Also..." She faced him again, her lips pressed together. "Just because I told you about what happened and we had this"—she waved a finger between them—"understanding doesn't mean I like you now," she clarified.

He smiled, still sitting on his bed, and watched her with an unidentified gleam in his eye.

She swallowed, feeling her face heat under his gaze, shifting from one foot to the other.

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out for a second. "Like me? As in, you still hate me, not that you don't want to fuck me?" He asked boldly, and her eyes slightly widened in shock.

She quickly dropped the expression and cleared her throat awkwardly, going back to fiddling with her hands. "Exactly," she replied, and then realized what he had said and what her answer implied. She shook her head. "No. No, I don't want to fuck you."

He stood up from his bed. "You sure?"

"I'm glad you took 'like' in a crush kinda way... Well, you took it more sexually." She took a step back, feeling her breathing grow heavier as he stepped towards her. Why was she so nervous? "Because Sarah was saying, 'Oh, you so like him'"—she mocked her best friend's voice, exaggerating it a bit as she continued to step back—"earlier when I was talking about you to her, and she took me thinking she meant in a crush way too serious."

He was walking towards her and felt as if she couldn't breathe, like her heart was going to explode out of her chest.

When did this moment between them turn into something like this? Something that was making her whole body hot, her chest rise and fall rapidly, and her heart beat so fast.

He was right there in front of her in the blink of an eye, and she wondered how he got so close so fast. "You were talking to Sarah about me?" His question came out in a whisper, and his hand cupped the side of her face in an instant.

"Briefly." Lilla's back hit the wall behind her and next to the door as she squeezed her eyes shut. He was so close to her, she couldn't breathe. She had to still be attracted to him, right? It was the only reason she would be reacting like this—feeling like this. Or maybe she was just so touch-deprived that she was getting hot and heavy over the slightest bit of attention. That had to be it. It had nothing to do with Rafe. It was her. Lilla kept her eyes closed as she felt the front of his body brush against hers, his surprisingly calloused hand on the side of her face, and his breath on her ear. She hated the fact that she leaned into him, not wanting to pull away. "We shouldn't," she whispered breathlessly, feeling him place a soft kiss on the side of her neck, her knees almost buckling because of it.

Yep, she was extremely touch-deprived.

"Why not?" he asked in a breath before turning his head and kissing the other side of her neck. "In the letter, you said that you had told Sarah about your crush. If she was fine with it then, why wouldn't she be now?" His words danced across her skin as the hand that was cupping her face moved towards her neck, his thumb settling under her chin to lift it up more so he'd have better access. His other hand was resting her arm, slowly moving its way down to her chest.

Her brows knitted together, and she held in a groan as his hand brushed against her left  breast, cupping it over her shirt. She kept her eyes tightly shut and leaned her head back against the wall. Her back arched, pushing her front into his while he continued to place kisses all over her neck, his tongue brushing against her skin in the process. Both of her hands fell on the back of his head, one just resting there while the other gripped his hair, keeping him as close as he could be.

She knew she should stop it, but it just felt so good.

The hand that was cupping her breast began to slowly make its way further and further down her body, brushing against her stomach, which tensed at the feeling. Lilla let out a small gasp in anticipation as his hand got lower and lower, his fingers brushing against the skin that was showing from where her shirt had ridden up and then moving to the button of her shorts.

"Rafe?" They heard someone call out from the stairs. Both of them froze, realizing the door was still open and that Ward was coming up the stairs. "Are you home?"

"Shit," Lilla muttered, pushing Rafe back to give her space to step out of the room. She moved into the hallway just as Ward got to the top of the stairs. She ran a hand over her hair, trying to smooth it out as she smiled at him, not missing his confused look. "Hi, Ward." She moved past the man, keeping her eyes on him as he did the same with her, and headed to the stairs just as Rafe stepped out of his room and cleared his throat, fixing his own hair. "Bye, Ward," she added, facing forward.

With that, she rushed downstairs, out of the house, and to her car. She started her engine, pulled out of the driveway, and made her way home. After she parked in the garage, shut it, and turned off her car, she rushed inside, not even stopping to say hi or apologize for earlier to her parents or Dante, who sat together in the kitchen. She went to her room quickly.

She hated that she had almost given in to Rafe.

She also hated that, when she got to her room, she shut the door behind her and locked it.

Oh, God. What had she been thinking?

✹ . . . ella's thoughts ! · ˚.‧ .
me: chooses to write something slightly sexual
also me: wants to run and hide once it's posted

anyways, this chapter—and the ones to come—goes out to gerty bc she's pressuring me into updating <3 (i'm joking... partially)

i hope you enjoyed! make sure to comment and vote 🫶🏻

kisses.

━━━━━━━━━━━━ 𝗦𝗛𝗔𝗠𝗘𝗟𝗘𝗦𝗦
𝗔 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 𝗦𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗬 . . . © -lostgardens,     2024

word count. 5501. written.  9.12.24. published.  10.25.24.