Adrian Hayes

August 20th, 2018

I was laying down on my bed staring at the ceiling thinking about the past few months that I've been here. A lot has changed since I was placed in rehab. I broke up with who I thought was the love of my life, I met a new friend in Riley, and I got some new tattoos on my arms to celebrate this shift in my life. The tattoos were done by a volunteer worker in a charity event that was thrown for my particular rehab center. I traced the outline of one tattoo with my finger, the tattoo was the words "let go" repeat twice down my arm. I used it as a reminder to let go of the past and to keep moving forward.

It wasn't easy forgetting about Tristan, I had been with her so long. Some nights I would wake up thinking it was all a horrible dream just to find myself laying alone in my bed. Some nights I would have to have Riley sleep in my bed with me to even fall asleep. It hasn't been easy for her either, she had her own demons she was dealing with. She was an outcast like me, a problem child with no future. I told her we would prove both of our families wrong by cleaning up our act. In a few days that is exactly what we were gonna do.

We had already decided to live together close to FSU where I could go to school and Riley good get a job. I had already had a long talk with my parents about how I was changing myself for the better. They had agreed to pay for rent for the first month of whatever place Riley and I ended up choosing. Her and I decided on a apartment just a few blocks from FSU and would be moving in a couple days from now. My train of thought was cut off when my door opened and Riley peeked her head through the door.

"You have a visitor." She said with a smile on her face.

"A visitor?" I sat up on my bed. "My mom?"

"Nope." She said shaking her head.

"My dad?"

"No just come look." She said motioning me to follow her.

"Riley who else would show up." I stood up from bed and clenched my fists. "I swear if it's Tris-"

"It's not!" She said pressing her hand against my chest. "It's a boy. He said you and him go way back."

"A boy?"

Ok now I was confused. What boy would come see me? I tried to think but was practically yanked by Riley into the hallway.

"What the hell!"

"While were both young Adrian." She said motioning me again to follow her.

I rolled my eyes and followed her to the other side of the building over by the visitor's center. Her and I stopped by the door and stared at eachother for a moment.

"I still have no idea who it would be Riley."

"Hold up lemme fix your hair." She said licking her palm before trying to slick my hair back.

"Riley n-" I grabbed her arms and pushed her away from me. "Calm down I'm good."

"I'm just trying to make you look presentable." She brushed it back with her palm. "You should really tie it up."

I smiled and rolled my eyes again. "Well can I see who it is first?"

I opened the door and looked around at the tables full of families until my eyes caught one table in the middle. I locked eyes with the one person sitting at it and the smile on my face faded away. I didn't know what to do, it was like time itself stopped moving. Out of all the fucking people that could've been sitting there waiting for me, I didn't expect to see him.

Quinn fucking Peterson.

Him and I dated for a long time back in high school, but we haven't talked in years. Last I heard about him he was dating some asian chick named Brianna. I watched as he stood up and smiled at me...that fucking smile. It was the reason I even gave him a chance back in the day. He was younger than me but he was so damn charismatic and funny that I didn't mind at all. We had good times together for sure, I even lost my damn virginity to the guy. But the way it ended was far from a good time. That was when I was just starting to get hooked on certain drugs and Quinn saw my future. He knew it was only ever gonna end one way for me and so he broke up with me.

At the time I thought he was cruel for doing it, for abandoning me. But I get it, he wanted nothing to do with that kind of lifestyle and so he left. I couldn't blame him for that, look how we both turned out. In the end....he was right. Fuck I hated that he was right, on the inside I was happy to see him but I couldn't let him see that just yet. After all these years I deserve to make him feel just a little bit guilty about what he did.

"Ummm aren't you gonna say anything?" Riley asked.

I sucked my teeth before turning to leave. "I don't know that guy."

"Adrian!"

His voice, it had been years since I heard it. It was still enough to make me stop dead in my tracks and look back at him. His smile was gone too, instead there was nothing but a look of worry on his face.

"It's me, Quinn." He said.

I started walking over to him and shook my head. "I knew a guy who looked like you. Yeah his name was also Quinn."

"Adrian come on." Quinn said walking towards me as well.

"Yeah the Quinn I knew would know better than to ever come here after all these years." I shook my head again and pointed my finger right at him. "The Quinn I knew would know to never show his face around me after the way he just up and left me."

We were now mere feet apart from one another. We had both stopped and stared at eachother. I was so fucking mad, but I was a bit happy he actually gave a shit to come see me.

"What?" He said with that stupid confused look on his face. "You're still mad about that? That was over five years ago"

"You know when I really think about it, feels like just yesterday to me."

"I said I was sorry then and I'll say it again if it makes you feel better. But I'm sorry." He said stepping a bit closer. "I heard what happened and I couldn't help but see if you were ok."

"You're about a five years too late to see how I'm doing Quinn." I scoffed. "Don't you think so?"

"Does that really matter?" He asked holding his arms out. "I'm here now."

"What? Did you get tired of that little asian girl? Why don't you just go back to her."

"That's kind of hard to do when she's not alive anymore." He said dropping his arms. "Don't you think?"

Fuck now I was the one feeling guilty. I was supposed to be making him feel like shit, not the other way around. I guess Quinn's been through some shit too since we last spoke.

I sighed. "You know out of all the people I expected to visit me, you were at the bottom of that list."

"Shouldn't it make it better then that I'm here? I mean I just found out yesterday, if I had known sooner I would've checked on you sooner." He said.

"Who told you?"

"Jessy Jess did." He said.

I cracked a smile. "God Jessica always hated that fucking nickname."

"She still does." He said smiling back.

"Alright Quinn....I guess you are here now." I crossed my arms. "Little late but still....I guess you could say some part of me is happy to see you again."

"Does some part of you wanna sit down and talk to me?" He asked.

I walked over to his table and sat down. "I guess so."

"Why the fuck couldn't you of just done that in the first place?!" Riley's voice echoed from across the room.

"Bye Riley!" I shouted as she gave me the finger before walking away.

"I'm sorry for being so unexpected....in hindsight I should've called first." He said sitting down across from me.

"Don't worry about that." I waved it off. "Tell me what happened with you and you're girlfriend."

"Well it was about a little over a year ago she got diagnosed with leukemia and uh....she just never got better." He said.

His face had dropped entirely, the smile was gone. I could tell it was hard for him to relive that, even if it was a year ago. I was being too damn insensitive, I couldn't imagine going through that. Sure Tristan and I went our separate ways, but I would never wish death on her.

"I'm sorry Quinn."

"What about your girlfriend?" He changed the subject. "She visit you?"

I leaned back in my chair. "Oh she made you leaving me look like a fucking wonderful breakup compared to what she did."

"What happened?" He asked.

I placed my hands behind my head and took a deep breath. It wasn't really any of his business, but then again he did come all the way here for me. I guess it wouldn't hurt to give him the short version of it all.

"One day she visits me and just tells me how we were a lost cause, how she was moving to New York for school. Essentially she ditched me." I shook my head, trying not to relive that day. "But the worst part is......I really thought she was the one Quinn."

"Now its my turn to say sorry." He said leaning forward in his chair.

I waved it off. "It's fine. How's Danny?"

"Oh she nearly tore my head off when I told her I was gonna come see you." He laughed.

I smirked. "She never did like me huh?"

"I think it was more of a jealousy thing. You know that's how sisters are, I was the same way with her when it came to guys. Plus she was older so she felt like she was the boss of me." He shook his head. "But now I don't think she cares, she was more or less just shocked that you were still alive."

I smirked. "Sorry to disappoint her."

"Well if it helps Isiah was glad to hear that you were doing better. He always liked how different you were back in high school. He saw you as like one of those 'Rebel Without A Cause" figures, like a female James Dean." He said.

I laughed a bit. "That has gotta be the weirdest compliment I've ever received."

"But enough about how other people feel." He said reaching across the table to place his hand on mine. "How do you feel? It couldn't have been easy being put in here."

I shivered a bit at his touch. "Quinn."

Just like that it was like we were back in high school. I remembered how we used to skip algebra all the time to makeout under the gym bleachers. I remembered how he used to always hold my hand like he was now. How he used to tell me everything would be alright. After a year away from Tristan I had almost forgot what love felt like. Now all of a sudden I was being flooded with all of these old feelings that I used to share with Quinn. I couldn't help but put my other hand over his as a tear streamed down my cheek.

"Why are you crying? He wiped away the tear on my cheek with his other hand. "What's wrong?"

I wiped my nose with my sleeve. "It's just.....I almost forgot what this felt like."

"Like what felt like?" He asked.

I placed my other hand on top of his. "Having someone who cares about me."

"What about you're friend back there?" He asked.

I giggled a bit. "Not like that stupid......I know we're not together and that we haven't been together for a long time but....this..." I squeezed his hand gently. "......this right here just reminds me of old times."

"It's a little harder for me to imagine this like old times." He lifted his other hand and ran it over my head. "I mean your hair was much shorter then.....and a lot more blonde."

I looked up at my messy curly hair. "Yeah well I got tired of cutting it, plus I prefer it darker anyway."

"Also this ink you're rocking changes things a little bit." He said pulling my sleeve up.

"Oh there's a lot more on other parts of my body too don't worry."

"I also see your choice of neckwear hasn't changed either." He ran his fingers up to silver heart necklace. "You still wear this after all this time?"

"I mean....obviously."

"You never did tell me where you got this from." He said.

I shook my head. "It never mattered, it was gift. That's all it was."

"A gift you hold on to is not simply a gift anymore." He ran his finger along the small chain of silver down to the heart. "It's a memento."

"Well I could say the same things about tattoos." I looked down at my arms. "I mean the guy in the movie, Memento, was covered in them."

"I think that was a bit different." He snickered. "I mean that guy couldn't form new memories, he needed the tats to remember things."

"Such a gift, yet such a curse."

"What is?" He asked.

I looked up at his eyes. "Memories."

"This one was always my favorite." He turned his attention back to my forearm, tracing the words written on it. "True love."

I scoffed. "It was the only thing I could think of that would fit."

"Do you still believe in that?" He asked.

"I don't know Quinn." I pulled my hands away from his. "Everyone I've ever loved has always ended up leaving me at some point."

"You know why I had to break up with you right?" He asked crossing his arms.

I lowered my head. "Yeah....it didn't make it any easier."

"I mean I had hoped that you'd come to your senses sooner but....it doesn't matter." His hand found its way to my chin, lifting my head up. "What matters is that you're coming to them now."

I gripped his wrist. "Did you....did you ever think about what we had?"

"Did you?" He asked scoffing a bit. "You didn't seem too happy to see me at first."

I dropped his hand, scoffing myself."Yeah but....I mean before today...did you ever think about us....or me in general?"

"What difference does my answer make?" He asked.

I sucked my teeth. "Just answer the fucking question!"

"Honest?" He asked.

"Honest."

"No." He said shaking his head. "No I never did really."

"You could've lied dammit!"

"Hey....its alright." I leaned forward and placed my hand on his cheek. "We both had moved on...I'm not mad at you for that."

"Did you ever think about us?" He asked looking at me.

I raised an eyebrow. "Sober?"

"So you did?" He asked smiling.

"Yeah of course I did." I pulled away and leaned back in my chair. "I mean....you were my first time Quinn. It's kind of hard to forget your first time, you know?"

"I mean....I guess." He shrugged.

I nudged his shoulder. "Well I don't know if having sex was a big deal to you, but to me it was."

"Wait! Who said that it wasn't a big deal to me?" He said waving his hand before leaning forward. "You were my first time too. First kiss, first girlfriend, a lot of firsts."

His smile, his fucking smile was getting to me now. My mind started racing with scenarios of what life would've been like with Quinn. I mean he was handsome as hell, kind, funny, fucking great in bed, and he was the best boyfriend I ever had. The only boyfriend I ever had. The only boy I never felt bad about loving. Those old feelings were becoming harder to tuck away. There were so many things I could've done differently for him. I could've been more honest, I could've told him the truth about what was happening to me. But I didn't, instead I resorted to drugs and isolation. The only two things I felt safe doing at the time.

"If things had been different....if I never pushed you away.....if I had never gotten into drugs....would we still be together?"

"I don't know Adrian....everything happens for a reason." He reached out for my hand, holding it in his. "We can't change the past, all we can do is learn from it. We're both better people than we were when we were dating."

"Why couldn't you just lie to me more! You used to be so good at it. We both did."

"But if it makes any difference...yeah I'd like to believe we'd probably still be together." He added.

I rubbed his palm with my thumb, a nervous habit of mine. I guess some things never really do change. Quinn was still the comfortable and optimistic gentleman that he was, and I was just the same anxious yet stubborn girl he loved back in highschool.

"Knowing how my next relationship turned out....I'd like to believe we'd still be together too."

"Why do you keep asking all these questions?" He looked at our hands. "Where is all of this coming from?"

"When I saw you....it was like I was right back in high school. I just got reminded of the first time I saw you...and for a moment....I felt like you were mine again."

"Are you.....are you getting feelings for me again?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

"God he's so fucking adorable when he's awkward!"

"No" I shook my head and smiled at the idea. "Not exactly....I'm just being reminded of the feelings I once had back when we were both younger. You may not be my man Quinn....but you'll always be my boy."

"You know for what it's worth....it hurt me a lot to have to break up with you." He said with that same stupid fucking smile of his. "Because......I loved you Adrian. I know I went on to love someone else but.....you were still my first. You always be my first."

I returned a smile of my own. "I'm glad you came here....I needed this."

"I know I haven't been there for you for the past five years but....that changes today. I want you in my life Adrian.....as my friend." He said.

I felt my cheeks turn red. "I'd like that."

"Who knows....maybe in the future...we'll have another crack at it you and me." He joked.

"Oh I think we both know your ass can't keep up with me anymore." I laughed.

"In what? Because if we're talking about sex I sure as hell can." He said confidently.

"Bitch please, I was with a girl for four years Quinn." I giggled this time and laid my head on the table. "You have no idea the shit I did with her."

"Yeah who would've thought you go lesbian." He said mimicking me by laying his head on the table too. "Did I fuck you up that bad?"

I rolled my eyes. "Quinn I've always been bisexual. So no you didn't."

"How long will you be in here for?" He asked.

"Just a few more days really. After that I'm moving into an apartment in Tallahassee with my friend."

"Really?" He said perking his head up. "Tallahassee? No way I'm going to school at FSU there."

I perked my head up and felt my eyes widening. "Bullshit! I'm going to be enrolling there in a week!"

"No fucking way! This is crazy! Do you know what this means?" He asked.

"That we get to hang out more often?"

"More than that, we can go back to the way things were Adrian....as friends of course." He said.

"Hopefully with benefits."

I giggled and squeezed his hand a bit. "You're really pushing for this friends thing."

"Well it's not just you if it makes you feel better." He said.

"Oh I'm fine don't worry. It's just why? You planning on staying single forever?"

"Well maybe I don't know." He said chuckling a bit.

"What do you mean? Is it because of what happened with your last girlfriend?"

"Well yeah, I mean I was with her for a really long time Adrian. Ok it's....it's hard to move on from that." He said pulling his hand away this time.

"Yeah but I was with my girlfriend for a really long time too Quinn. And I'm moving on just fine."

"Yeah but you had a choice....I didn't choose to break up with Brianna.....life did." He said looking down at the table.

"Quinn....that's not on you. Holding on to that....that pain....it's only gonna make life worse for you." I reached over and lifted his chin up with my hand. "Trust me....because at least Brianna still loved you when she passed. My girlfriend Tristen....she might as well be dead....because she's dead to me."

"You make it sound so easy Adrian. Lord knows I've tried but it's like everytime I close my eyes I can still see her." He said placing his hand on my arm and moving my hand away.

"I mean she gave me a letter the day she died and I still haven't read it."

"Why not?"

"Because I know what's it gonna say. I know she's gonna tell me to forget about her and move on, but god dammit maybe I don't want to." He said. A look of grief flooding his face. "Maybe I'm not ready to forget about her....maybe I'm still in love with her."

"Quinn....it's been a year. She wanted you to read that letter the day she died and you chose not to. I never knew Brianna but I doubt she wanted you to carry this weight on your shoulder for this long. Maybe it's better if you just....read her letter."

"She told me to read it when the time was right. I asked her when that'll be but....she just told me that I would know." He said.

"Then for now....at least try to be happy." I leaned over and tapped his head. "For her."

"I have been....trying at least." He said smiling a bit. "With you around....it might make it easier." He added before looking up at me.

"You think I'll mix in well with your friends? What if they don't like me?"

"Well if they don't then they'll have to get used to you. Because I lost you once....and I ain't losing you again." He said.

"You know for someone who wants to stay single you do a very good job at making me wanna kiss you."

"And not on the lips."

"Please don't." He said chuckling.

I giggled and pushed his shoulder. "Well stop being so damn charming then."

"I do think they'll be confused when they see you and Jessy Jess together." He said.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Jessica is white with blue eyes and blonde hair." He laughed. "Full on white girl."

I held in my laugh. "And?"

"Well you're not." He said.

I shrugged. "So, I'm sure they can put two and two together."

"Hold that thought." He said as his phone started ringing.

I leaned over and looked at his phone screen. "Who's that?"

"Oh it's this girl I met a couple days ago." He said looking at his phone.

"Well are you gonna answer that?"

"I'm sure she'll understand." He said sending the call to voicemail before putting his phone on the table.

"Quinn Peterson! You could've just ruined a potential relationship with that act."

"I mean I just met the girl like two days ago at a party. Besides....I've already got all the company I need right here." He said tucking a strand of hair behind me ear.

I pointed at him and bit my lip. "See that right there....that's what I'm talking about."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." He said smirking.

"So tell me about this girl. What does she look like?"

"Oh get this, when I met her she was studying some fucking AP Trigonometry shit." He said going on his phone.

"Ok so?" I shrugged. "Bitch is smart."

"But here's the funny part I went to her Instagram and look at this, she's a whole fucking model on this thing." He said pulling up her Instagram and showing me a photo of her.

"Yep she is definitely a model." I grabbed his phone and took a closer look. "Damn look at those eyes Quinn. What's her name?"

"Cassandra Winters." He said.

"Damn and she has a sexy name, you might've just hit the jackpot here." I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Is she single?"

"From what she told me yeah." He said.

"What the fuck does that mean Quinn?"

"I mean that she never once mentioned a boyfriend so I assumed she was single." He said.

"Hey Quinn guess what?"

"What?" He asked.

I reached over and tapped him on the head again. "You're an idiot. You better confirm that she's single before you even attempt trying to get with that."

"Ok first off, you're an idiot." He said tapping me on my head. "Second, who said I wanted to get with her? I just told you I wanna be single until I'm ready."

"Well still you should find out. Because if she is, I'm for sure gonna hit that when I get out."

"She doesn't seem like that type of girl." He said.

"Quinn...look at me." I held my arms out. "I'm like lesbian crack."

"Yeah but I don't think she's a lesbian." He said.

I smirked. "She will be if you don't go for her."

"I don't know it's too early to even tell if she's my type. She is really cool though if I'm being honest and she's definitely easy on the eyes." He said.

"Easy isn't even the fucking word Quinn."

"Attention everyone! Visiting hours will be ending shorty. I repeat, visiting hours will be ending shortly." A worker said over the intercom.

"Shit already, well that sucks. I was just starting to enjoy your company Quinn."

"Damn I'm sorry, I should've come earlier." He said smiling.

"How will I find you when I get out?"

"You don't have a phone?" He asked.

I ran my palm across my face. "No Quinn I don't have a fucking phone."

"Well then I'll find you, where's this apartment of yours?" He asked.

I held my hand out. "Here give me your phone."

"Alright." He said handing me his phone.

"It's only a few blocks away from the school." I quickly typed my address into his Google Maps. "I'll be moved in by Thursday so just come by when you can I guess." I handed him his phone back and smiled at him again.

"Oh I definitely will and I'm definitely taking you out to celebrate." He said putting his phone back in his pocket.

"Sounds like a date."

"What if I promised it's not?" He asked.

I giggled and bit my lip again. "I meannnnnn......."

"Adriaaannnn." He said squinting his eyes at me.

"Ok ok fine" I shook my head and stood up from my seat. "As friends then, I still want a hug though."

"I can do a hug." He said smiling before standing up and walking around to my side of the table.

I threw my arms around him and pulled him in close. "You're damn right you can."

"You know I'm really glad I came here." He said wrapping his strong arms around me. "It was really nice being able to talk to you again."

"You promise you'll come visit me at my apartment Thursday?"

"I mean you just put your address in my phone. So yeah I promise." He said chuckling a bit.

"Oh and you better give that girl a chance Quinn." I pulled away from him and smirked. "I'd hate to see two sexy people go to waste."

"Yeah ok." He said smiling.

"Well take care then, I'll see you Thursday." I backed away a bit before turning around and walking away.

"Hey Adrian!" He shouted from halfway across the room.

I looked back at him. "Yeah?"

"I hate to see you leave, but I love watching you walk away." He said with that stupid fucking smile.

I just smiled back and winked at him before turning back to head back to my room. That was the same thing he said to me on our first date. I'll give it to him, he sure does remember the times we had. I went back to my room and went through my stuff one more time. This time I was looking through the box of polaroids that my parents gave me when they visited me. It mostly had a lot of old nostalgic photos of me and my family when we actually enjoyed each other's company. After a few minutes of digging I finally found the photo I was looking for.

It was an 8x10 of the night Quinn and I went to homecoming together. I smiled when I started finding other photos of him and I. Like the one of our first Christmas together, and the other one of our first Valentine's day together. Jessica was right by convincing me not to burn these. She said one day I'll be able to look back and enjoy the times Quinn and I had. I guess today was that day. I looked up as Riley had just came in and sat down next to me on the floor.

"Oh shit that's the guy that came to visit you." She said picking up one of the photos.

"Yeah...I actually did know him Riley." I smiled looking at another photo of Quinn and I kissing.

"So who was he to you?" She asked.

"He was....he still is....my boy."