Adrian Hayes

May 7th, 2018

I am many things, a drug addict, a drunk, and a horrible girlfriend.

But I am not suicidal.

Being suicidal means you want to die. But that couldn't be further from the truth. I didn't wanna die, but I needed a way for the pain to stop. So I turned to anything that would help me with that. My poison of choice was usually heroin, if I couldn't get my hands on it I turned to alcohol. All of this combined left me in a zombie like state for most days. All while my girlfriend, Tristan, tried to put up with me.

I lied to her so much, telling her I was going to quit and that I would pull my shit together. Just to stab myself with the needle the next day. It made my life easier knowing she was aware that I was lying to her. It didn't make me feel guilty like I used to back when we first met. Even though I lied to her so much I never lied about my love for her. I loved her more than the drugs themselves. But somehow the drugs always won over her. I'm not suicidal, but some days I wake up wishing I hadn't, wishing I could just go to sleep forever.

The only thing that kept me grounded was seeing Tristan's face everyday. She had to be the most beautiful woman I'd ever laid my eyes on. The drugs always seemed more beautiful however. It was so much fun too, if only she would've done them with me we could both be losers together. But being the sober one in the relationship, she always made me feel bad about getting high. I guess she never understood the escape the drugs gave me. I wouldn't of expected her to, coming from a good family and all.

My family casted me out at the age of 20 when they found out about my addiction. Ever since then my only escape besides the drugs was Tristan. I swear out of all the drugs she was the one I was addicted to the most. I don't know how, but she always put up with me even when no one else wanted to. Even when her family told her I was no good for her, she still stood by me. Drugs last only a few hours,  but that kind of love can last a lifetime.

Well until you go and fuck everything up by overdosing.

I should've known better than to trust that dealer, that boy with the Jesus tattoo. He said the fentanyl would make it stronger, he never said it would almost kill me. He never said it would numb me to the bone. At least, I wasn't dead.....yet.

It's a strange feeling to overdose, it's like a complete loss of control of your body, and not in a good way. You feel as if your own body is destroying itself from the inside out, and all motor functions go out the window. But even then, I could still see everything happening before me. So that's why witnessing Tristan's reaction hurt so much. She found me on our bedroom on the floor. It was so obvious what I was doing prior to overdosing because I didn't even try to hide the needle or the spoon that I used. I remembered the panic in her eyes and she dialed 911 and called an ambulance. I drifted in and out of consciousness throughout the entire time. I remember waking up in Tristan's arms as she dragged me into our shower and turned it on.

I kept forgetting to breathe and had to gasp for breath every ten seconds. It got to the point where I just broke down crying in Tristan's arms. This was the first time in my life I felt like I was gonna die. I hated it so much but the ironic part is it was all my doing. I was putting Tristan through all this emotional trauma for a quick high. I ended up being taken to the hospital which I hated. I hated being in a hospital and I hated hospitals all together, nothing but bad memories lived here for me. After being treated for about two hours they finally let Tristan come and visit me.

"Hey." She said walking in the room.

I cracked a smile. "Hello there beautiful."

"The doctor said you're going to be fine." She said approaching my hospital bed.

"Yeah I figured that much since I'm not dead."

"But....." She said looking down at the ground.

"Something was wrong." I thought.

"But what?"

"The police are here." She said.

My face dropped. "For what?"

"You're being put into rehab." She covered her face. "I'm sorry Adrian."

"Rehab?" I sat up on my hospital bed. "No no no, Tristan I can't do rehab. Why would you let them do that?"

"What choice did I have Adrian?!" She moved her hands, revealing the tears in her eyes. "I thought you were going to die, I had to tell them what you were on." She sat down beside me on the bed. "Look maybe this isn't that bad."

"Not that bad? Are you fucking kidding me? Tristan you know my family's history with that place."

"You don't think I know that?" She hissed at me. "Adrian it was either that or jail time. You seriously couldn't expect me to let them put you in handcuffs?"

"Oh and you think rehab is any better? That's where they put the crazies who can't go a day without drugs without bouncing off the walls."

"Or for those who almost die from it. Adrian I thought you were dying back at the house. Do you have any idea what that made me feel like?" She asked. It was obvious she was more hurt about this than I was.

"I thought you were gonna die and it would've been my fault because I could've stopped it." She said.

I grabbed her waist and pulled her close to me. I hated that look in her eyes, that look of guilt. Even if I did die, there was nothing she could've done to stop it. I've been on this road for a very long time now. If there was anything I've learned, it's that......

"My problems, my addictions, will never be anyone's fault, but my own." I leaned my forehead against hers. "You understand that?"

"Adrian-"

"Do. You. Understand?" I repeated.

"Yes." She whispered.

I leaned away. "What did the doctor's find?"

"They said they found fentanyl in your system." She shook her head at me. "Who the fuck laced your shit with fentanyl?"

"This new dealer I met last night." I admitted.

"Why the fuck would you trust him?" She asked.

"I wasn't thinking straight." I felt the familiar sting of tears in my eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm.....I'm so sorry."

"I don't want to lose you Adrian, that's why you have to go to rehab. You'll get better and then when you get out, we can be together again. We can be better than what we are now." She said.

"This place, I know about it. It's not the kind of rehab that celebrities check themselves into Tristan." I shook my head. "It's less of a rehabilitation center and more of a-"

"Prison?" She asked.

I looked away from her. "I don't know if I can go there Tristan."

"Please." She said taking my hand in hers. "For me."

I nodded. "Ok."

"I'll come visit you as often as I can." She said.

"You better." I smiled.

"I love you Adrian." She said.

I turned to her. "I love you too."

"Forever and ever?" She asked.

I leaned in and kissed her. "Forever and ever babe."

"There's not a lot of curly-haired girls with Australian accents on the market. So you best keep your shit together." She said smiling.

"Shut up, you love my accent."

"I do." She said pecking me on the lips. "Even if it's barely there anymore."

I learned to enjoy moments like this, the calm before the storm. I was transferred to the Rehabilitation Center the next day. I remember how long the car ride was to get there. When I arrived they put me through a number of tests, checking my blood and vitals. It was just like any other physical at the doctor's office. They then gave me a pair of clothes and set me up in a room with a roommate who I hadn't met yet. I changed into my new clothes which was just a generic blue uniform.

I stayed in that room for a while just going through my stuff I was allowed to bring with me. The security went through all of it but most of it was just sentimental stuff. The most important thing was a photograph of Tristan and I on our one year anniversary. I wasn't allowed to bring a phone so I took a photo of Tristan I had. Along with a box full of old photos from my apartment. I sat down on my bed on the left side of the room. I ran my fingers across the photograph, outlining Tristan's face. The door to my room opened and in walked a woman. She just sat down on the floor and stared at me without saying a word. Her hair was a bit darker than mine if only a bit longer and a whole lot straighter. Her eyes were as blue as the ocean, so blue that they almost looked white. She still hadn't said a word, instead she just looked up at me.

"You should take a picture, it'll last longer." I suggested before putting my photo of Tristan away.

"I've never had a roommate before." The woman said.

I pulled my legs up on to my bed and sat cross legged. "Well first time for everything."

"I guess so." She said.

"You got a name?"

"Riley...my name is Riley." She said hugging herself.

I noticed a far away look in her eyes, she looked as if she had seen a ghost. It was quite warm in the room yet Riley was shivering like it below zero.

"You ok Riley?"

"You're new.....it seems nice here doesn't it?" She asked scooting closer to me. "Yeah I thought the same too when I first got here."

I backed away a bit on my bed. "What are you talking about?"

"Just wait till the withdrawals hit you. It won't be so nice then." She said as she laid down on her side.

My jaw felt slack. "How long have you been here?"

"3 days." She said hugging herself tighter.

"How'd you end up in here?"

"Too....too many q-questions." She said as her teeth chattered a bit.

I hopped off my bed. "Do you need a blanket?"

"We're not allowed blankets in here." She said.

"Fuck are you serious?" I looked around and noticed neither of our beds had blankets nor sheets.

"Afraid so." She said.

I looked down at her. "Why?"

"T-Too many q-questions." She said curling up in a ball.

I knelt down right beside her. "Withdrawals are that bad huh?"

"You h-have no i-idea." She said cracking a slight smile.

"Seriously are you ok?" I reached a hand out to touch her.

"S-So c-c-cold." She said shivering.

I placed my hand on her face. "Hey hey it's ok."

"N-Nice n-n-necklace." She whimpered.

She pointed out the silver heart necklace I always wore around my neck. From the time I was having my overdose to right now, I always wore it. Everyone who knew me thought it was an anniversary gift I couldn't get over. But there was one person, one single person, who really knew why I wore it. But it was irrelevant to explain that to Riley as she was slowly breaking down in my arms.

"I-I wanna g-go h-home." She said letting a few tears flow.

I patted her head. "Yeah....I wanna go home too."

I didn't need to ask a lot of questions to know that Riley was fucked up. Whatever she had been taken had clearly took its toll on her. It made me nervous seeing her like that, mostly because I was probably gonna have my own withdrawals sooner or later. Riley eventually passed out which was for the better because she looked like she was in so much pain. I had went through some of the other things I was allowed to bring, like the necklace Tristan gave me for our anniversary. It wasn't anything fancy but it did have the letters T and A carved on a heart. I put it around my neck and played with the heart with my fingertips.

She was always so good to me and here I was about to put myself through hell for her. I loved her so much that I swore when I got out, I was going to ask her to marry me. The next day I received a visit from her and we were set up in this large room called the Visitor Center. There were other patients sitting at tables around us talking with their families and I even saw Riley speaking with someone in the corner of the room. I looked back at Tristan who was just smiling at me.

I smiled back. "What?"

"I'm just so happy you're finally taking the steps to get better. I can't wait for you to get out." She said.

"Yeah you'll have to wait alright. They said it could take months till I'm allowed to leave."

"Months? Will it really take that long?" She asked.

"They said after I sober up I'm required to stay for a few months longer."

"Well no matter how long, I'll be waiting for you." She said taking my hand.

I leaned forward across the table. "I love you."

"I love you too." She said.

A day had passed until my first withdrawal hit me like a truck. I was reading the only book they allowed us, The Holy Bible. I never considered myself religious, in fact the idea of religion disgusted me. How people could put their faith in something so bizzare, is beyond me. However, in the middle of reading it I started getting cold. So cold that I started shaking and no matter how much I tried warming myself up it was impossible without any kind of blankets. The room itself started to warp a bit and that's when I fell off my bed. Riley looked over at me and admittedly came over to my side.

"I don't...I-I don't k-know what's happening." I started shaking more.

"It's withdrawals." She said putting her arm around me.

I let her help me sit up. "Oh this f-fucking s-sucks."

"Maybe you should lie down. It's gonna be a long night." She said helping me back up to my bed.

"H-How long.....h-how long will this l-last for?" I fell over to my side and wrapped my arms around myself.

"Like I said, it's gonna be a long night." She said.

I felt a few tears forming. "Fuck!"

"Shhh it's gonna be alright." She said rubbing my back.

I started to feel my body convulse out of no where. "I-I don't f-feel so good."

"Oh shit you're gonna throw up." Riley said grabbing a bucket and holding it up to my head.

Right on cue I felt myself vomit into the bucket. Riley sat there holding it for me the whole night. Riley told me these withdrawals come and go out of no where but they should die down in a few days. However she said the urge will always be there, the urge to relapse never seems to go away. She told me the only thing that holds you back is your own mental strength. It's why some people stay here longer than others, they just don't trust themselves out in the real world. I believed I could make it out of here in a few weeks if possible but Riley just laughed at that. She told me it's foolish to think it be that easy. I told her love has a funny way of making you overcome things you couldn't before.

May 17th, 2018

A week had passed until I got another visit from Tristan, this time it was a lot different. I could tell by the expression on her face that something was wrong. I reached across the table and held her hand in mine.

"Hey Tristan what's wrong?"

"Ummm." She said looking down at the table before looking up at me. "Adrian you know I love you so much right?"

My heart began to beat a few beats faster. "Yeah but why are you saying that?"

"I ummm...I decided to go back to school. It's so great cause you know how I've always wanted to pursue a career in nursing and how much it means to me to have a future." She said squeezing my hand a bit.

My heart only began to beat faster, something was wrong. Her body language, her demeanor, something bad was about to happen. Bad news was coming my way.

"Well I got accepted to a great school and I actually have a chance to make something of myself now." She said.

"Well thats great but why do I feel like there's a catch?"

"The school I want to go to is up in New York, which means I'll have to go live there." She said swallowing the lump in her throat.

I felt a sigh of relief come out. "Well that's cool you've always said how much you wanted to live there. When are you coming back?"

She went silent again, I was wrong to feel relief. Her eyes locked on to mine, those golden honey daggers that I had fallen in love with, were now sending me all the wrong messages.

"I'm not Adrian....I'm leaving for good." She said.

"W-What?" I shook my head in disbelief. "What do you mean for good?"

"My parents are paying for it and in return...they want me to live there and in a sense....never see you again." She said fighting back tears forming in her hazel eyes.

I shook my head again and ran my hand through my hair. "I-I don't.....I don't understand."

"Adrian after my parents found out you were being sent here they freaked out. When they found out I was still visiting you they were furious. They told me it was either school or you." She said barely getting the words out.

"Adrian I need this, you understand that right? I need this opportunity to make something of myself." She said.

I felt like pulling my hair out, it was getting harder to hold my tears in. I felt like balling my eyes out, but I couldn't give her that show. No I couldn't.

"I can't believe this.....y-you really chose them over me......w-what happened to that 'as long as it takes' bullshit?" I blinked and felt two tears fall down both of my cheeks. "What happened to 'forever and ever'....did that mean nothing to you?"

"Adrian you're making it worse than it is. Ok it's not like that." She said.

"REALLY?!" I yelled. "Because it sounds like you're just ditching me to go and try to live out some bullshit fantasy in New York!"

"YOU'RE THE FANTASY ADRIAN!" She yelled slamming her fist on the table.

The entire room fell silent, all eyes were now on us two. I sunk into my chair and let go of her hand, I crossed my arms and closed my eyes. If she was gonna do this, the last thing I'd let her see is me cry over it. But I wanted to cry so bad, so fucking bad.

"Ever since we got together it's been nothing but downhill. Everytime we thought things would get better they just got worse and worse." She didn't hold back the tears streaming down her face. "Here I was trying to make something out of myself, while you were too fucked up to even realize that you were dragging me down with you."

Every single thing she was saying was true. It didn't make it any less painful, even though I was trying be mad at her. Words like those stung me, I had always thought of myself as a burden to Tristan. But to hear her admit it was so much worse. It was like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest. My one source of joy in life, my only source of joy, was abandoning me. Abandoning me just like everyone else.

"Now I tried making us work but the fucking truth is that we're a lost cause Adrian. A FUCKING LOST CAUSE!" She yelled. "Now I'm sorry if I seem cruel but I'm only doing this because I want something to be proud of and being your girlfriend isn't it."

I opened my eyes and looked right through her. She could try harder to hurt me with words. I've been through enough pain this week alone but I'll be damned if I'd let her hurt me more. I looked at my hands resting on the table and parted my lips.

"I did this for you......I could've went to jail....I could've relapsed the next day and killed myself." I looked up at her and stared her down.

"But I have put myself through mind numbing withdrawal after withdrawal, and you know what kept me going the whole time? It was the fact that I was doing it for you. BECAUSE I BELIEVED IN US!" I yelled.

There was no holding back now, pleasantries went out the window a long time ago. If she wanted to hurt me, she wasn't getting hurt too.

"I thought if I could get my shit together that our future would be set, hell even thought about asking you to marry me. But clearly you've already given up on us so you know what?" I leaned across the table and ripped off my necklace.

It was the one she got me for our anniversary, the one I cherished so much. Just looking at it disgusted me now, it was a lie, just like her. All a fucking lie.

"Fuck your mom, fuck your stupid dad, and most importantly FUCK YOU!" I yelled throwing the necklace at her.

"If that's how you feel.....then we're done!" She shouted standing up.

"Good, cause according to you....we've been done." I leaned back in my chair and looked away from her. "Now get the fuck away from me, I don't ever want to see your face again."

"Adrian you don't-" She said before I reached across the table and slapped her in the face.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!" I screamed.

Tristen didn't say another word, she just got up and walked away. I watched as she stopped and took one last look at me before leaving the building. I felt such a strong urge to just ball my eyes out but my pride was holding me back. I looked around and saw that the whole room was watching us the whole time. I even saw Riley with a shocked expression on her face.

I got up and walked back to my room where I slammed the door behind me. I sat and my bed and grabbed my pillow and screamed in it. I let the tears flow as I collapsed fully on my bed. In the middle of all this I caught a glimpse of the photo of Tristan I had on my nightstand. I picked it up and after staring at it for a few seconds I ripped it to shreds. I threw the pieces or paper all over the place and let the waterworks flow out. The door opened and Riley walked in looking concerned.

I closed my eyes. "What do you want?"

"You looked like you could use a friend." She said sitting beside me on the bed.

"She just left me....after all we've been through she just...gave up on me." I lunged into Riley's arms as she pulled me in tight.

"Yeah it's fucked up, but I don't see how crying will make it better." She said shaking her head.

I pulled away. "What?"

"You're crying...a lot. It won't help, so don't bother shedding anymore tears. You've made it through many withdrawals way worse than this. You'll be alright." She said tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear.

"This feeling I have is worse than any withdrawal I've ever been through Riley." I looked at the torn up pieces of paper on the floor. "I loved Tristan so fucking much and she just GAVE UP ON US." I reached back and punched the wall.

"Stop it Adrian you're hurting yourself." Riley said grabbing my arm.

"AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH!" I punched the wall again before Riley held me back.

My knuckles were bruised for sure, I didn't care. I wanted the pain, I needed it to distract me from the pain inside. I was more than willing to break both of my wrists against this wall. But Riley's touch soothed me, it reminded me that I wasn't alone. Even when I felt like my whole world has abandoned me, Riley was still there. A girl I had only known for a week was the closest thing I had to a friend.

"It's my fault Riley, I fucked it all up. That's all I am, a stupid fuck up." I wrapped my arms around her again and cried into her shoulder.

"Shut up you don't mean that. You need to calm down Adrian." She said patting my back.

"I loved her so much Riley I really did."

"Shhh it's ok Adrian, everything will be ok." She said rubbing my back.

"I don't even know what to do anymore." I pulled away a bit to look at her. "The whole reason I came here was for her and now I don't....I don't know what to do when I get out."

"You'll live." She said wiping away a tear from cheek with her thumb. "Tristen made her choice to follow her dreams, now you have to make yours."

"How did you-" I let out before Riley placed her finger on my lips.

"I heard everything, you two were being very loud. Now tell me what your dream is." She said.

"I.....I never really had one." I shook my head in disappointment. "I lost myself so long ago and for the longest time its just been me and Tristan."

"FORGET TRISTAN!!" She yelled shoving me a bit. "Because she's moving on and it's time you did too. I know it just happened, ok I know it's tough. But if you really want to do right by yourself, you'll do something with your life."

I laid back on the bed and contemplated whether not to hit Riley for yelling at me like that. But the sad part was that she was telling the truth. My whole life had revolved around Tristan for so long that I had forgot what really made me....me.

"You're right.....Tristan says she's going back to school. It's about time I did too."

"Any ideas?" Riley asked.

"My sister is going to FSU, I got accepted but it was too much money. The only people I could turn to was my parents and I refused to."

"Why?" She asked.

"Because when they found out I was doing drugs they kicked me out. My ego was too big to ask them for help so I just gave up on it."

"You know you're gonna have to ask for their help right?" She asked.

"Yeah....I know." I sighed and sat up. "When I get out of here I'll show them that I've changed. Maybe they'll help when they've seen me sober."

"That's the aussie spirit!" She said poking fun at my accent.

"Fuck you." I cracked a smile and shook my head. "You know I'm not Australian right?"

"Then why do you have an accent?" She asked coyly.

"Because my fucking dad is from Melbourne." I threw my hands up. "I've told you this."

"Is your dad the half black one?" She asked.

I rolled my eyes. "That's my mom!"

"That explains alot." She said biting the tip of her finger.

I sighed. "Fuck you."

"Now you're getting it! Well come on we have to get to group therapy by two." She said rushing over to the door.

"Yeah you go I'll catch up."

"You better." She said before leaving.

I looked over at the torn up pieces of my photo of Tristan and picked up a piece. It was the piece that had Tristan's face on it. I stared at it for only a moment before throwing it away. I got up and left the room to head to therapy. Whether I liked it or not I had to see this through. I had to get better, not for Tristan, but for myself. It was just me now. Even though I said some horrible things about dying, I didn't mean it. I've already thought about how wanting to die makes me suicidal. I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired of pretending. Pretending that life is more than everyone makes it out to be. Rehab will teach you that. White walls around every corner, nurses with blue scrubs, and addicts as patients. Hardly anything worth living for. But my life wouldn't end like this, because even if I was tired of living, I was not tired of trying.