Sahal Begum P.O.V

I sat in my khwaab-gaah on one of the cushion chairs,my legs felt too heavy to move to my bed as my eyes dripped with tears.The blurred silhouette sitting in front of me on his knees,his warm hand on my leg as he comforted me in silence,knowing that I needed time.

“Who?” I croaked out as I reached up to wipe my eyes, finally able to see Haider’s head bowed,his hair in disarray,strands standing up and to the side.I knew he understood what I had asked in one word.

“Bakshi Bano.”

This name that no one could ever be unfamiliar to,the foresaken child of Masuma Begum.The daughter who had been thrown away as if she were nothing but a toy,given to someone else and never remembered.

She was also the leader of the Black Cavalry,the one whom Haider had praised just days before to me,speaking highly of her character and of her as a soldier.

“Did you feel attracted to her?” I questioned with a hundred swords piercing my chest as I wondered if he looked at Bakshi Bano the way he looked at me.

“No,never,I am only attracted to you.” He shook his head vigorously as he looked up at me,his tone strong and not wavering even once, sincerity dripping and his eyes shinning,”Her loyalty is what made ammi-jaan speak about her.Nothing else,Allah ki kassam,her loyalty is the only reason ammi-jaan spoke of her in this manner.”

I gave a nod of my head,still not convinced.How is that a woman with everything she has would only be needed for loyalty,”Will she be here to satisfy your needs as I do?”

“No.She would be here as a insider,as a protector and as a soldier just as she was on the battlefield.I could never feel for her the way I feel for you.”

I lifted an eyebrow as he continued in the same sincere tone,”If I were to say no?”

Haider reached for my hand,holding tightly onto it,”I would not even think of her again.”

No,I shook my head.I could not think if this as a wife,shrouded by jealousy.It would be selfish for me to put myself before my King,my Kingdom.

I thought back to what had been said in the khwaab-gaah,the fact that our enemies were as close to us as our clothes had made me uneasy,it had made my skin crawl and my hair to stand up.If we were not careful,Haider could be gutted when he roamed the palace or even in his sleep.Allah na karre.
(Allah forbid.)

Would Bakshi Bano be any good within the palace,”Would she be able to protect you within the palace in a way that no one else would be able to?”

Haider gave a nod of his head,”She is an apt warrior,she is skilled in strategy and Mukhtar Jahangir Alla must have raised her with full knowledge of how people are.I believe that along with her Black Cavalry,she would be able to figure out who could be a danger to our family and me.”

Could it really be that our eyes were filled with dust,that we could not recognise the snakes in our midst?I sat up straight,”Are you sure that we could not figure out who it is?”

Haider sat on his knees so that he could be looking me in the eye,”Four of our spies have turned up dead since my return to the palace,those who are alive have reported that the guards of the palace and soldiers are being lured by someone,they are scared of their lives and are unsure if they would like to continue spying for us.Loyalties are changing and our enemies are growing stronger,every time we weed one enemy out another comes our way.I have tried my best,those who follow me have done their best but now,it seems to get harder with each growing year.Someone like Bakshi Bano,who would be underestimated and undermined,someone who our enemies will make mistakes in front of without thinking,will be able to weed them out while keeping us safe.”

As Haider dosed my one worry another crept up,Bakshi Bano is a woman and a woman needs more then just a role,she needs emotional and mental support,”What about Bakshi bano’s needs,her physical and mental needs?If you bring her here,there are rules that need to be followed and I would not wish that you were to be punished for not filling those rules.When a man takes a second wife he splits everything in half and equally,his time,his wealth.The one thing that never splits equally though is his love,especially one that runs as deep as our own.I would not want you to do her wrong,while you do me right.These law’s are not our own,but they have been decided by The Almighty and to go against his law’s would mean our destruction with our own hands.” I stood up,walking towards the window,the full moon shone brightly,casting it’s light over me as I looked up towards it,”I could not go against the laws of Allah but I cannot also share you with someone else.” I closed my eyes,tears falling down,”I do not know how to share you.”

I had been thought that there might come a day when Haider would take another wife,maybe someone whom had caught his eye or for political reasons.I never feared the first and as time went I thought there would never be need for a political marriage.How naive did I allow myself to be?How did I forget who I married?

I felt the warmth of his body against my back,as he turned me around and crushed me to his chest,his hands tightly holding me as if I were going to fly away if he did not hold me,the tremble of his body told me how he feared this as much as I did,”I will not marry her if you wish for me to not.I will not break your heart.”

I grabbed a hold if his kameez,as I buried my face in his chest,his pounding heart spoke if his unadulterated dear,”But if I say no,I would put you and our people in danger.Our Kingdom would be in danger.Are my feelings worth the destruction of our Kingdom and all in it?I cannot be unfair to our people just so that I am pleased.”

He pulled back,lifting my head causing me to open my eyes,his tear filled eyes causing a strike of pain in my own heart,”I have always tried to put you above our people but you have never allowed me to.If this is the one time you wish to be selfish,I will not stop you.It will be difficult but I will look for a way out,I will look for a way to keep you,our family and the Kingdom safe.”

Hope blossomed in my heart even though I knew it would be futile.I could not see a way out even though I wanted to,even though I wanted to hope that other people would see a way out,”Will you do that for me?”

“Of course.I will sit with the ministers tomorrow.I will talk to them and we will try to find a way out of this.”

I gave a nod of my head as he wiped my tears away,I steeled myself as the Begum of the palace,Begum-e-khaas of Shahensha Haider and I put a hand on his chest,on top of his pounding heart,”If you find no way then I will meet Bakshi Bano and gauge her,if she is good for our kingdom,I will agree to you marrying her.”

He leaned his head down, forehead against my own,”I will try not to let the matter come till there.”

He did not have to say it for me to hear the promise that he made.Yet even if he did not know it,I did that there were more chances of this attempt failing.I had also given my word and I never turned away from what I said because I knew that with this power there would never be a time where I could put myself before my Kingdom.

Even if my heart begged for it,my oaths would always stand in my way.

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The next night I sat behind a curtain in what could be called a common room,while Haider say with his most trusted minister Ehmad Khan,Faris Khan,Jaffar Dilawar and Khadir Mirza sat around him.They had just begun to discuss the issue of the spies,as I wrote out orders for the hareem women for the weeks when I would not be here.

“Shahensha,we found another body of a spy.” I stopped writing,looking up from where I was in the direction of Jaffar saab as he spoke,”He was murdered the same way as the other spies,neck slit and tongue cut.” I closed my eyes at the description,shaking my head.

“Which spy was it?” Haider questioned,his voice strung tight like an arrow being pulled tightly by the string of a bow.I looked at him,seeing through the mushed curtain his distorted face but I was sure his forehead was crinkled with worry.

“Imtiaz.” I almost gasped,putting a hand to my mouth.Imtiaz had been one of our younger spy’s,only at twenty years old.His life had not even start and it ended all because he had been doing his duty.

“Has there been any progress on who could be behind these killings?Were there any singular person whom all these spyies followed that could be behind this?” Haider questioned as I looked down between my scroll and the men.

“None of them spoke of the same person,we cannot make the connection.” There was silence,I laid the scroll down,handing the feather to the bandi as I looked down.

I could hear the men talk but it seemed curtained from me as I begun to wonder,what if ammi-jaan was right?What if there could be someone with a fresh perspective entering the palace,someone who could be unsuspected and weed out the enemies within the palace?

I took a deep breath as took the feather once again,dipping the tip into ink.I begun to write but the force of my writing came from the storm in my mind.

I am a Malika before being a wife.I am responsible for the hareem and for the people within the palace.I could sit here and do nothing,allowing the enemies to get closer and closer,until it would either be then or us.I could be a coward,letting everything be ruined because I am afraid to share the one person,who meant the world to his Kingdom.

I could be selfish but then again,I knew from the beginning that even the thought of being selfish would be futile.

I did not become Malika of this Kingdom because Haider saw my beauty nor is it because Jahan begum saw my characteristics.

I became Malika because I had defended the throne and King.I became Malika because Haider saw the fierceness behind my eyes and the zeal to create greater opportunities for the people of the Kingdom.I could not bow down in front of the enemies when I had fought them.

I finished the scroll with my stamp before rolling it up,tying it together and I stood up.The men dispersed except for Haider.I dismissed the bandi as I walked beyond the curtain,I saw Haider’s bent shoulders as he grabbed the railing of the large window,overlooking the darbar.

“Mujhe maaf karna,Malika.I will try to find a solution tomorrow,I will do my best.”

I smiled through the pain that triumph my heart,my eyes wanting to well up with tears but I held them back.I could not cry,I could not show weakness,I would make peace with this decision later but right now,Haider needed to hear it.

I walked towards Haider,putting my hand on his shoulder I made him turn around and then I cupped his face causing him to look at me with pained eyes.

“As Royals we never can put ourselves first.If we do,it is the biggest betrayal our Kingdom would suffer.” I brought his head down until our foreheads touched,tears welling up in my eyes despite my efforts not to,”I would rather harden my heart,choose to suffer the pain of sharing you then choosing for our entire Kingdom to fall in the wrong hands.Haider,I will gauge her and test her.If she is fit for the role we need,propose for her hand in marriage.You will fulfill your rights as her husband.My heart knows it’s hard but I would rather make peace with her being here then any of us dying.”

Haider crushed me to his chest,”No.I will find a solution.”

I tried to shake my head the hold he had on me did not permit me to,”You and I,both know that is futile.We are losing lives like water from a clay pot that has a hole.No mother deserves to mourn a son again.”

Haider’s trembling body pulled away from me,tears staining his face,”How will I make peace with this?How will I make peace knowing you are not at peace?How will I ever fulfil my duties to her without even thinking of you?”

I titled my chin up,resolute in my decision as I lifted his head,”You will because you are Shahensha Haider.You have always excelled at what ever you have decided to do.Failure does not know your address,you are Allah’s and He has never let you down.Do not think as my husband.Think as a King whose Kingdom and people should never suffer for his decisions.Think as a King who has never bowed in front of his enemies even when they have thought they would make him now.”

With that I steeled my heart as he closed his eyes,giving a slight nod before engulfing him into a tight hug.

I looked at the darkening sky,the bright sun having disappeared behind the clouds,the scent of rain sweetening the air as I made a prayer.

Ya Khuda,you have brought us to this road.Make us strong and capable enough to walk on this road.It seems like it will not be easy but I know with Your guidance it will be.Stay with us.

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As salaam mu alaykum wa rahmatulahi wa baraktu everyone.

I know this update comes after along time but with what is happening in Palestine,Congo and Sudan,I just could not.

May Allah grant each and every person on earth who is being oppressed freedom.May their oppressors never be victorious over them.

We may not be able to do much but prayers will always help,,so please pray for them.

Fi Amanilah