Bakshi P.O.V

My mouth dropped open as the words that Shahensha Haider spoke resonated around the darbar walls.The scrolls that I held,falling out of my hand and onto the ground.A rush of blood through my ears as I processed what the words Shahensha Haider spoke actually meant.

Shahensha Haider wished for me to be his second Queen,the only other Begum he would take after Sahal Begum.He wished for me to be his wife,even though we all knew that there is only one woman to rule over his mind and heart,his palaces,fort’s and Sultanate.

I looked at mamu-jaan who looked surprised at Shahensha Haider’s words,as he had just got over the fact that he had been given a special title.His gaze flickering towards me,then ammi-jaan who had gasped and back to Shahensha Haider.

“Shahensha,do you truly wish for our Bakshi to be wed into your household?”

Shahensha Haider gave a nod of his head as he continued to look at mamu-jaan,”Yes,I wish to wed Bakshi Bano and make her a part of the Shahi Khandan.If Bakshi Bano were to agree,she would be blessing my household.”
(Shahi Khandan-royal family)

How could I be Shahensha Haider’s second wife?What quality did I possess to be made a part of the Shahi Khandan?Who were I to be given this privilege of being the second Begum of the Sultanate?

How could I be made a second Begum when the blood that ran through my body belonged to a woman who had broken a part an entire family?Who had thrown away her third child because to her two were enough?How would I make justice to the position that would be given to me?

I turned my head to look at ammi-jaan who held her hand over her mouth in shock as she looked at Shahensha Haider before I looked at Shahensha.

“Haider,” Ammi-jaan’s voice called out,softly,”How can my daughter be your wife?”

Shahensha Haider had turned to look at ammi-jaan as soon as she called him,he walked towards her and stood in front of us,”Bari chachi-jaan,if there were any women in my Sultanate who is worthy of being my wife then it would only be Bakshi Bano.Her loyalty and selflessness,her ability to lead and power her way through tough situations.Her love for you,for her family that might not share the same blood with her but who she loves more then her ownself.The one whom people cannot stop praising nor can they find anyone whom they hold dearer then their own kin.How can I not think of making her my wife who will change the ways of the palace so that no man will ever think any woman is beneath him?”

I swallowed back the ball of nervousness as I turned to look at Malika Begum who already had her eyes on me,she stepped forward.

“I agree with Shahensha Haider,there is no other woman who would be suited to be his bride.” She looked at ammi-jaan whose could not believe what Malika Begum said,”By giving Bakshi Bano to us,you will be giving her to your own Shahi Khandan.She will be the bride of our palace.She will bring pride to our palace.” Malika Begum held out her hand at which her bandi came forward with a tray,she covered the tray and took out a scroll which she held out to ammi-jaan,”Malika Jahan,ammi-jaan has sent this message for you,Bari chachi-jaan.”

Ammi-jaan took the scroll from Malika Begum,she opened it and begun to read from the scroll,”Gulbadan Begum ko Malika Jahan ka salaam.I am not surprised nor shocked that you would raise a warrior as your daughter.You have given the Royal Family a daughter that will never let our heads bow.I would have the greatest of pride if you would allow your Bakshi to become the wife of my Haider.I will await Bakshi Bano as your reply.”

Ammi-jaan’s breath escaped her body in loudly as she lowered the scroll.Her eyes fluttering towards me as I gripped my chest.

“I will need to ask Bakshi Bano if she agrees to this proposal.I will only allow this proposal if she agrees to it.”

Malika Begum gave a nod of her head,”We await your answer “

Shahensha Haider and Malika Begum greeted us before walking out of the darbar.Masuma Begum followed them without greeting,which we knew she would do.

I immediately bent down to pick up the scrolls I had let go off,before standing up.I felt a hand on my shoulder at which I turned around.

Ammi-jaan brought me to the seat,she made me sit down and I put the scrolls to the side.Ammi-jaan put her hands on my own,”Bakshi.” I looked at ammi-jaan,my eyes meeting her own as I wrestled the thought of becoming the wife of Shahensha Haider.Did I really have what it took to be his wife?I had been brought up as a warrior with the qualities that should make me a good spouse.Yet,I had tested the one duty that I had and had only done half of the other.I had never imagined myself as a wife to anyone.

“Bakshi.” Mami-jaan’s voice brought me back to looking up at her,”I understand that there is a lot of thoughts going through your mind.We will not take any decisions without your consent.”

I looked towards ammi-jaan who held my hand tighter,her eyes filled with conflicting emotions.She tried to give me a smile,”Bakshi,you are at an age where I have thoughts of you being a bride.You have rejected every proposal that came for you with good reasoning,yet you have also rejected those proposals because of your duty at Hajjat Qila.As your mother,I cannot think of a better match that could come for you from the Shahi Khandhan.I know that you will still try to put us,Hajjat Qila and your duties first.I know that you will put your duty as the leader of Black Cavalry before yourself as a woman.I cannot force you to agree,but I can request you to think about it.For once,I want you to put yourself first,Bakshi.”

“Your ammi-jaan is right,Bakshi.” Mmau-jaan spoke causing me to look at him,his eyes filled with tears,”You have always sacrificed yourself for us,today I want you to think about yourself.You deserve to have a husband as royal as Shahensha Haider.In-laws like the Shahi Khandhan.A position as a begum to Shahensha Haider.There is always a reward for patience,this is your reward.So think carefully.” He put his hand on my head before walking out with mami-jaan and Nusrat Bano who gave me a smile.I knew she would visit my khwaab-gaah to discuss this with me.

Abu-jaan came closer to me,putting his hand on my head,”I cannot say much in this matter,I have not raised you in the way Jahangir has.What I can do is advice you.When Allah sends something good to us,we should never turn away from it without ensuring that it is what is best for us.I know you will take the best decision there can be for yourself.”

Abu-jaan walked out,leaving me alone with ammi-jaan who kept her hand on mine.Abu-jaan’s words held a truth I could not escape from.What if this were the best decision that I would be able to take for myself?I looked towards ammi-jaan who had her eyes on the doorway abu-jaan had stepped through.

Ammi-jaan dreamed of seeing me dressed as a bride,adorned in jewels she had kept from her wedding and decked in flowers.She thought of me having a place I could make a home and have a family that I could make.She dreamed of giving me away,making me sit in a palanquin as she gave me dua and bid me farewell from Hajjat Qila.

I turned my hand to squeeze ammi-jaan’s hand at which she looked at me,the smile that she always gave me,the one that spoke of pride and happiness that I brought her whenever her eyes fell on me.A smile I hoped she would never stop giving me.

“I will think over this,you shall have my answer by tomorrow morning,ammi-jaan.”

Her smile grew as she gave me a nod,”I know you will take the decision that is best for you.” She stood up,leaning down to press a kiss to my forehead,”You will always be my heart.”

Ammi-jaan walked away,leaving me alone in the darbar.I looked around the empty darbar before standing up, scrolls in hand as I walked out of the darbar.My bandi begun following me but I raised my hand.

“Leave me alone for a while.I will be at the training ground.” I made my way towards the training ground entrance,the arena lit by tourches around the area.I made my way towards the area where I had stationed trays for any women who might want to leave their adornments.I begun to take off my adornments,I then removed my duppata and put it on one of the trays,folded.

As I made my towards the duelling areana,I unsheathe my sword as I came to stand in front of a straw figure.I relaxed my back muscles as I gripped the handle of my sword,the small gem melted into my skin as my hand adjusted to the pinch and I begun striking the straw figure.

Shahensha Haider had asked for mg hand in marriage.Someone who he had only met once before.Someone who had spent most of her time aiding him in making battlefield strategies.Someone who could not meet his eyes.

The hope in ammi-jaan’s voice when she asked me to consider this proposal echoed throught my ears,my mind repeatedly visualising her hopeful eyes and soft smile,as if she wanted me to know that even if I refused she would not mind.

I could hear mami-jaan’s encouragement to put myself first after years of putting my family and Sultanate first.I could see mamu-jaan’s pride that Shahensha Haider asked for my hand in marriage.

As the Magrib prayer azaan sounded,I lowered my sword,swatting my hand in front of me to get rid of the straws.I made my way to the covered prayer area after grabbing my duppata and I begun to offer my prayers.

As I finished my prayers,I heard the familiar sound of tinkling anklets.The shuffling of clothes became evident as the material brushed against my arm.We sat in silence,my partner in crime My closet friend.My confidant.I lair my head on her shoulder,as she begun to recite dikhr.Her recitation brought peace to my heart as I closed my eyes,relishing in the praise of Allah that fell from her lips.
(Dhikr-A form of Islamic prayer where phrases or prayers are repeatedly chanted as a way of remembering God.
e.g.Allah-hu-Akbar)

Nusrat Bano recitation came to end but I did not dare to lift my head,”You will make a good partner to whomsoever you marry.Shahensha Haider is the man you deserve.The two of you will make a beautiful couple,one that will provide balance to one another.If you have any concerns I am sure if you ask Shahensha Haider or Malika Begum they would clear them for you.Do not waste your life by giving yourself up for us.I know that you feel like you owe us your life but that would mean that you do not see us as a family who raised you as you are their own.It would mean you see what we did as favour to you,you would be disregarding the love that we have for you.If you do not think about yourself,you will not do us any good.” I opened my eyes as she tapped my knee as she always did,”It is okay to be selfish,Bakshi.Even if it’s just this once.”

I sat up,looking at Nusrat Bano who smiled at me,”We both have always shared our achievements together.Be it the day we first picked up swords or spoons in the kitchen.Be it when we first saddled our horses or when we made abu-jaan’s favourite dish.There can be no bigger day then when our dholi would be picked up together so we could enter the next phase of our life.”
(Dholi-palanquin)

I had made peace with the fact that there would come a day when Nusrat Bano would leave to start her married life,There would be days when we would not share the first meal of the day or have the last cup of tea,sitting in the kitchen area with the moon rays shinning above us.Never had I thought there would come a day when we would be adorned in the finest clothing and jewellery.Where we would bid our family farewell,with our dholi being picked up together.

“No one will blame you if you say no,but truly ask yourself if there will be anyone better then this for you.The decision at the end belongs to you and only you.Take your time.” As Nusrat Bano said that she got up,petting my head before walking away as I sat on the prayer mat.

I fold the prayer mat,putting it where I took it from before wearing my jewellery.My sword slid into place at my waist,before I laid my duppata onto my head.I gazed around the training area,then begun to make my way into the fort.

As I came to my khwaab-gaah,my bandi stood outside and I sat down in front of the mirror.I tilted my head as I gazed at my reflection,I took in my dishevelled hair,head jewellery hanging around my face as I had removed it or it had fallen off during my sword training.I know that I am beautiful,many had complimented me throughout the years.There were not a shortage of proposals for me but my excuse had always been Hajjat Qila.

“Ikhtiyar,Khaazra.” I could hear the rustling of clothing and the hanging curtains at the entrance of the khwaab-gaah as my bandi made their way inside.

“Jee,Bakshi Bano?”

I could see Ikhtiyar and Khaazra’s worry filled gazes as they took me in,Khaazra’s eyes widening before she lowered them.Ikhtiyar clutched her duppata as she met my eyes in the mirror.Her eyes did not lower nor did they flutter as she tried to read my emotions.

I smiled as I moved my duppata off my head,”Please help me remove my adornments.” They stepped forward to help me remove all my jewellery as I removed my rings and bangles.Once the bandi were done,I instructed them to leave.

After the night prayer,I laid onto my bed.I turned towards my right as I read dhikr on my fingers.The moonlight rays shone through the window that sat above my head as I closed my eyes.

My eyes fluttered open,sunlight streaming through the window above my head as I sat up.I had no idea when sleep overtook me nor did I know how the feeling of contentment which filled my chest.

The contentment was not one that came from material pleasures or from welding a weapon on the battlefield.No,this contentment came from my family believing that I would take the right decision,or the decision they deemed right for me.This contentment guided me towards what I had to do going ahead.

I got off the bed as I made my way towards the dressing table where I sat down,as the rustling of clothing reached my ears.I turned to look at Ikhtiyar who looked at me with worry filled eyes,tilted head and downed eyebrows.

“I came to wake you for Fajr and training,but you seemed in a deep,peaceful sleep.I did not disturb you,Bakshi Bano.”

I smiled at Ikhtiyar,she had been with me for years since I had been a young girl.Almost as much as ammi-jaan had been,she had come with us from abu-jaan’s Qila to Hajjat Qila.She knew me better then I knew myself.I took a deep breath as I turned to face her completely.

“Tell ammi-jaan that my answer is yes.”