Avaryn

Ever flopped onto my bed, spreading his legs out and patting the spot next to him.

I sat down hesitantly. He stared at me for a few seconds  before  he grabbed my arm and pulled me until I was laying down with my head on his chest.

His chest was warm and hard but comfortable.
I didn't sit up or push him away, instead I wrapped my arm around his middle. Something was obviously going on. I was just waiting until he was ready to tell me. So we lay in silence for several minutes. The thing about Ever and I was, sure we joked a lot, but it was never awkward, it was safe and comfortable. I felt like I could tell him anything and I would never be judged.

"Nyan knows," he whispered gently, breaking the comfortable silence. "She knows I kissed Octavious and that I- that I love him."

I could hear his heart beating faster in his chest. I knew normally someone would reply with comfort or say 'hey maybe that's a good thing' but that's not what Ever wants, and I know because it's not what I would want either. I turned my head so I was looking up at him and he stared down at me, my head still nestled on his chest.

"That's really shitty."

I felt him laugh from beneath me. "Yeah it is."

Then he winced. "Oh, also please don't be mad."

"Oh god, what?"

"I accidently mentioned that you knew about it to Nyan."

"How did you accidentally mention that?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I thought that maybe you were the one that told her!"

"I would never do that!"

"I know! it was just, like, in the moment."

"Ugh." I buried my face in his shoulder. "Now she's gonna hate me too."

"Well at least we'll go down together."

"You're not funny."

"I'm always funny." I felt him sigh, I could hear how tired he was, how burnt out he was and I wanted to take that away from him. "And like five minutes after she told me she knew, I hooked up with Octavious."

"Seriously?"

"Listen, I'm already feeling like a shitty person, I didn't come here to be judged."

"I'm not judging Jackass."

"You totally are."

"How could I judge you?" I hissed. "I'm literally hooking up with the son of the man who killed your family."

Ever grinned and stared up at the ceiling. "You're right yours is so much worse."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah I know."

"How's that going by the way? He was here wasn't he?"

"How in god's name do you even know that?"

"Your face was all red when I walked in here, like you were just about to get railed-"

"Okay! Yes, he was here."

"I know."

"I just ... I don't know what to feel okay? He left and I'm fine with that, or at least I'm trying to be but ..  It's like ..." I paused, choosing my words and how much I wanted to tell him. "I've just been so numb, I guess. It's starting to feel like nothing matters, you know? And that scares me."

It's silent for a minute before Ever speaks. "I feel the same way."

I looked up at him. "Really?"

"Yeah, it's like suffocating."

"Yeah."

We lay quietly for several minutes, staring up at the ceiling that was filled with yellow painted stars. Both of us never spoke a word, basking in the company of someone who understood. I only just realized how alike me and Ever were.

He was the only person I could go to who could ever understand. He was my best friend. It was nice to have one again. And it was nice to lay with him and not say anything. It was soft and easy with him.

And then of course he ruined it.

"Maybe we should have sex." he suddenly said.

"Everson!" I jumped up from his chest and smacked it.

He threw his head back and laughed his ass off. There was no laugh quite like his, it lit up his whole face and captured everyone's attention.

I sat back on my knees and waited for him to be done with his ridiculous laughing.

He smirked. "What? Getting laid always solves problems."

I felt my face heat up.

He narrowed his blue eyes at me. "You've never had sex before have you?"

I didn't reply.

He gasped. "You're a virgin?"

"Yeah so?"

"Nothing! just unexpected, I mean you are really sexy and-" I smacked him again which made him glare. "Okay, calling you sexy should not earn a punch."

"It does when you are my friend!"

"Friends can call friends sexy and mean it in a platonic way!"

"You just said we should have sex!"

"I wasn't being serious!"

I gave him a look.

"Okay, maybe I was."

"You are a menace Everson Crestwood."

He layed back against the headboard, smirking. "Yeah, I know."

I sighed and laid back down. It was silent again and I knew we were both avoiding going out there and socializing with the others. It would be a mess for both of us. We just wanted to hide for only a couple more minutes.

"My father was a shit person." I don't know why I said that or why I felt the need to. I don't even know why my mind wandered to him. It always does though. No matter what. He's always there in the back of my mind, lingering. I don't know why I say the things I say. Maybe because I felt safe. Maybe because I was ready to tell someone. "He uh ... he used to abuse me. Mentally. Well, physically too sometimes. He used to lock me in my room at night once everyone else had gone to bed. He would tell me awful things, things no six year old should be told. That there were demons in my room. Monsters. Murderers. Kidnappers...."

I bit my lip, my throat suddenly feeling like it was closing in on me. "... I believed him of course, I was only a child. But he would tell me that they couldn't harm me, that they were only there to watch. But if I moved from the spot he put me in that night, they would, so I wouldn't move. For hours, I wouldn't move. He would lock me inside. He took out the lightbulbs in my lamps so I couldn't turn the lights on. It was pitch black and I was alone and scared. I was only six years old when it started. It stopped when I was ten, when I killed him."

I couldn't bring myself to look at Ever, I didn't want to know what he was thinking. And I certainly didn't want to see pity. I carefully turned my eyes toward him. His fists were clenched at his side as he stared up at the ceiling, one single tear slid down his cheek. I don't think I've ever seen him cry before. He turned toward me, a bitter smile on his face. "If I could, I would resurrect him and kill him again."

I smiled. His response was perfect. And I thanked god he didn't say 'I'm sorry'. Somehow Ever always knew the perfect way to react to something. Like he could tell exactly what I needed.

"Since this is the sharing circle ..."

"We're not in a circle."

".. shhh..." he said, placing finger on my lips and I rolled my eyes. "My father was shit too."

"Really?" I narrowed my eyes. "Aren't Devaras supposed to like shit rainbows or something? And here I thought the sun shined out of your ass."

He chuckled. "You've met me right? I'm a devara, I definitely don't shit rainbows."

I stared at him. "You're not bad Ever."

He ignored me. "My father abused me too, physically, maybe mentally I'm not sure. He was extra hard on me, I think it's because my power isn't as grand as Bash's or Nyans. He would make me heal people. Random people. I never knew who they were but I know he hurt them himself. He would make me take their injuries, and then when I couldn't he would beat me. I don't think he ever touched Nyan but ... I think he hurt Bash too. When my father died, when the King killed him ... I didnt feel anything. I felt glad. Relieved. I never wanted this," he stopped for a moment to take in a deep breath. I knew it was hard for him to talk about his feelings. It was hard for me too. "I never wanted any of this. I've always wanted to just be ... normal."

He turned his head towards me. We were now laying side by side. "I've always wanted to own a bakery."

My eyebrows rose. "Really?"

"Yeah. Are you judging me?"

"No, I just didn't know you baked."

"Oh, I don't, but I like the concept of it," he replied with a soft gentle smile on his face as he looked to the ceiling and imagined. The smile was so unlike him. It was real. "I want to live in a small town that's quiet, it doesn't matter where it is as long as it's not like in Montana or something. Somewhere in Europe preferably. anyways. I want to own a bakery there and have a husband or a wife that loves me as much as I love them and have neighbors who are kind that like won't sleep with my partner because you know some neighbors are bitches like that, but anyways, I just want to be ... normal I guess? And quiet."

"That sounds nice," I said as I pictured it in my head. A simple life. One where nobody died and there was no magic or war just ... peace.

"Hey," he said, breaking me out of my trance. "If our love lives go to shit more than they already are, maybe we could do it together?"

I smiled at him. The first real smile I've had in a really long time. "Oh, I don't know, spending a lifetime with you sounds like my own personal hell."

He grinned. "You're not too amazing yourself. I mean living the rest of my days with you? I'd rather die." a giggle slipped from my throat before I could stop it.

He nudged me with his shoulder. "Hey, maybe we could have a dog?"

"I'm really more of a cat person."

He rolled his eyes. "Of course you are." he let out a long breath and said, "Fine, then we'll own a bakery and a cat. Does that meet your standards, Miss Alastor?"

Yeah ... that sounded nice.

***

"Are you listening Ryn?" Bash snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Mmm?"

We had been going over strategy again and it was getting late. The only thing on my mind was my brother. How he was doing. Where he was. If he was even alive.

And then after thoughts of my brother I would think of revenge. Slow and beautiful revenge. Revenge on the people who had ruined my life. I sometimes thought of how I would kill them. If I would do it fast, get it over with. Or if I would take my time. If I would torture them slowly until they begged me to end their lives, if I would make them beg for it.

I closed my eyes. My thoughts disgusted me.

"Ryn."

"Yes I'm listening."

The fire had heated up and was making my neck sweat like a pig. We sat on the floor, a map of the shadow world laid before us. The others had gone to bed a long time ago.

Bash narrowed his eyes. "I said you need to talk to Raiden. We can't do this without him."

I was stunned at this. Yeah I definitely hadn't been listening. Raiden was the only one who knew where the Vad actually was. Who knows if he even told his father the exact location. We could still find it before the king if we had Raiden. Except we don't have Raiden. "I don't know where he is. And he doesn't want to help."

"How do you know?"

"Because he literally said, Bash."

"Are you sure he can't be convinced if it's you that's asking? Like maybe you could ... um well ..."

I felt my face heat. "Are you suggesting I seduce him? BASH!"

"What?" He leaned against the wall, a few of the buttons on his shirt had come undone and you could see the softened of his chest. Or the ... hardness. His dark hair was messy from running his fingers through it and his green eyes glimmered. He looked far from the Bash I knew, he looked messy instead of serious and put together. "It's not the worst idea, okay? Men are easy to seduce."

"Not Raiden. He's not an idiot, he'll see right through me if I do that."

"Yeah? Well maybe he'll listen anyway?"

"How would you know?"

"Because he's in love with you?"

I flinched at his words and then blushed feverishly. "I- no he's not."

"Come on Ryn, you'd have to be an idiot not to see it."

"Well then I guess I'm an idiot."

"Yeah I guess you are."

I glared at him from across me. "Don't be a dick."

The tips of his mouth rose up. "Come on? Did you think it was a secret? You and him?"

"I- we're not together-"

my voice is cut off from his soft chuckle. "God, Ryn. We're not blind. And we don't even care."

"We as in...?"

"All of us. Everyone knows, of course."

"Everyone?"

"Yes."

"Oh, God."

"We have eyes."

"Yeah I know. But me and Raiden aren't together or anything, I swear."

"Are you together enough for him to help us find the only weapon that might be able to kill his father?"

I didn't answer for a few seconds but when I realized I closed my eyes tightly. "Yeah, maybe."

Bash grinned. "Great. Now go find him."

***

I figured it wouldn't take that long to find Raiden. I mean I had just seen him the other night so logically he had to be nearby. So I went into town and I asked around. Nobody had seen a man with white hair but I decided to check the nearest inn just in case.

The town was quite small and on a small bay. The buildings were old-timey and round. They were strange and not like anything I'd seen before. The people were nice too. Like Mara. They were soft and kind.

As I made my way through town, I decided to borrow a few things. Yes, I know. I had an addiction. I simply don't care anymore. I stole a couple pairs of earrings, a scarf and a strange looking locket with a purple stone.And after all that I still haven't found Raiden. Maybe he's not here. Maybe he left after ... after he came to see me. Maybe he's truly gone.

Finally I had a lead. At a little tavern just outside of town.

I sat down on a wooden stool and uncovered my hood. I waved at the man behind the bar. "Have you seen a man, with white hair and probably a sneer on his face?" I asked the bartender (are they called bartenders in this medieval fantasy land?)  a middle aged man with red hair. 

He looked me over as if trying to associate who I am, his eyes narrowed and I think he was trying to scare me. Though he didn't. Nobody scared me these days. "Who's asking?"

"His ... friend."

"His friend?" he asked flatly. "Well maybe his friend could persuade me to tell her..."

"Are you asking for money?"

He looked me up and down again. "If you don't got that, I'm sure there are other ways ..."

Gross.

Why wasn't this man just giving me Raidens location? Was it seriously that deep? I mean come on, what is he getting out of this? I smiled sweetly and lifted my hand so he could see the green flame I summoned. "Or I could torture it out of you."

His smile dropped. "You- you're one of those demon things."

"Not quite." I'm bored and done now. I reached over and grabbed his forearm with my heated hand. He flinched back but I was stronger, his mouth opened in a silent scream and I began to smell the scent of burning flesh. I let go and he backed away from me quickly. I felt satisfaction in my chest.  "So where is he?"

"He ... he was here ... staying above the tavern but I haven't seen him in a couple days."

"Liar." I extend the flame more. 

"No, I swear! There were some guys that came, they- they wore all black and- and they took him."

My heart dropped into my stomach. "What do you mean they took him?"

"They hit him over the head and snatched him up. I watched the whole thing, I swear. It- it looked like they were heading for the mountains."

"And you didn't do anything to stop somebody getting kidnapped right in front of you?"

The man shifted uncomfortably.

"They paid you off didn't they?" I scoffed. "Well, thanks for your cooperation, coward." I got up from my seat and walked toward him, he backed away until he was pressed against the wall. I lifted my chin up at him, rage burned in my veins. "Maybe you should know what it feels like to be in pain." he looked frightened but only for a moment before I shoved my burning hand against his face. He screamed and thrashed but I was surprisingly stronger than him.

"Sleep," I commanded, to prove to myself I could show some mercy, using power stolen from Bash. He was only about thirty miles away from me and I could still steal his magic, which was interesting. I'll have to write that down.

The man fell to the ground and I left the tavern heading for the mountains with my heart in my throat.

**

I found prints in the mud and instantly I was skeptical. This was a trap. It felt like one at least. Were Greer soldiers really stupid enough to leave footprints or did they not care? Were they not afraid? Afraid of the Devaras? Afraid of me?

They should be. They should be afraid of me. I was angry. And I was known to be unpredictable when I'm angry.

I stare at them for a moment contemplating what I should do.

There was this sickening feeling in my stomach that I couldn't shake. My mind kept wandering over to all the things they could be doing to Raiden. Were they torturing him? Were they bringing him back to the king? Did he go willingly? Was he hurt? Why did I feel like I was going to throw up?

I looked down at the footprints and made my decision. I needed to know. I followed them for about thirty minutes and they brought me deep into the wood.

I froze when I saw a soft glow illuminating the trees about half a mile ahead of me. There was a fire. I made my way closer, hopping from one tree to the other using them to cover me and trying to be silent while doing it.

Once I was close enough I could make out what I was seeing. There were only two people by the fire. One was Roz and the other ...

Raiden was tied up. Both arms were tied to different trees and they held his body up. It seemed like he couldn't do that himself. He looked ... weak. I'd never really seen him weak before.

My heart sunk further into my stomach. What did they do to him? Wrath burned in me. I would kill everyone who touched him.

My eyes turned to Roz and an unknowable rage filled me. How could she torture her own brother? How could she- how could she send an assassin to kill my mother? Was she really that evil? Did she not care?

"Why Raiden?" She asked, suddenly looking up at him. "Why did you betray us for some halfb-"

"Watch what you say about her, sister," he spat, his voice scratchy and hoarse.

"Seriously?" She scoffed and looked down at him, something gleaming in her brown eyes. Maybe tears? "Please tell me this is some sort of plan to get revenge for what those Devaras did to us."

"To me," he corrected. "They did nothing to you."
"I loved her as much as you did ... you know that."

What were they talking about? What did the Devaras do?

I took a deep breath. That's none of my business, at least not right now. I needed to get Raiden out of here before the others came back.

I think about standing behind Roz. I'm not entirely sure how I did this before, just that I wanted it really badly. I breathe in and feel my body slowly fading away into shadows. It started in my toes and all the way to my head. And then I shadowed behind Roz, silently, and placed a dagger at her throat.

She stilled.

"Don't scream," I directed, holding her tight in my grip.

"As if I would." I could hear her eyes rolling.

My hand tightened around the hilt of my dagger. I wanted to kill her. I was so close. I could do it if I wanted to. I could get rid of this feeling in my stomach. The one that makes me feel empty every time I think of my mother. Her lifeless body lying before me like a present. She was taken from me. My mother died because of Roz. It's all her fault.

I'm going to kill her.

"Don't kill her," Raiden grunted from below, he finally tried to lift his head but he was too weak and he couldn't.

My hand shook. I had to. I had to kill her.

"Please."

He begged. Raiden doesn't beg.

"Do it," Roz dared, her voice cocky.

I closed my eyes. I tried to gain control of at least only a little of it. I let a small amount of power fill me. Roz's Power specifically. "Sleep," I commanded and let her drop to the floor.
I made a move to grab the ropes tying Raidens wrists.

"Don't," he said. I wondered how he knew what I was doing even when he couldn't see me. "The ropes are poisoned by Dendarum."

My heart stopped for a moment. "But-"

"It's not enough to kill me but enough to weaken me."

Okay. I put my dagger to the rope and begin to cut it. "Are you okay?" I whispered while I sawed down the rope.

"Oh I'm grand, darling," he replied in a chipper voice.

I decided to ignore his sarcasm. "Are you hurt anywhere other than the poison?"

He grunted in response and I'm not sure if he meant yes or no. I've decided I don't like seeing him this way. No, I didn't like it at all. It made me feel weird. Like there was a giant weight on my chest or something.

Suddenly I heard voices coming from the trees. I turned to see a group of guards in the distance. Shit. Shit!

I quickly cut the rope I'm on, Raiden's arm fell and with nothing to support him his body slumped against me. I moved on to the next one, hurrying.

"Leave me," he whispered against my neck, his breath tickling across my skin.

I paused my movements for a moment and glared at nothing. "No, absolutely not."

"I'm not asking Avaryn. Leave. Now."

"You know you're not very scary right now."

"Avaryn."

"No."

"Please," he begged. Again. He begged me again. I didn't like it. There was this strange panic in his voice.

I cut the other rope and now his full body weight slumped against me. "Can you stand?"

"Leave me."

"Stop being a baby and let me save you, you bastard." I think I felt him smile slightly.

The Guards haven't noticed anything yet so we still had some time. I stood and brought Raiden with me. He was much heavier than he looked. I looked around trying to decide which direction to go in. The guards were coming from where the town was and where the castle was. So naturally I went in the opposite way, farther into the woods.

"They'll catch you in seconds," Raiden said, his feet were moving but they were weak and I was the only thing keeping him standing. "Kenzo is with them, he'll take you and he won't be kind about it."

What was it that Raiden said once? You can't shadow with two people. But why? Was it because you could only dissolve your body to the shadows and not another?

"He'll torture you if you don't leave me."

Or maybe it's because of mass. Was there science in this or was it purely magic?

"And then after he takes you he'll probably kill everyone you care about. Including me."

What was the specific reason? Should I try it anyways?

I snorted at Raidens words. "Oh and I care about you? How bold of you to assume."

"So you are listening to me? How great! Maybe actually act on my words."

"Hmm," I pretended to think. "No, I think I'm okay."

"You are a pain in my ass."

"Oh, you're one to talk."

Footsteps erupt behind us and suddenly five men are rushing toward me.

Well, shit.

Okay I've decided to just try it. I mean what could possibly go wrong? I think about shadowing, about my limbs disappearing, but not just mine, Raidens too.

"What are you doing?" Raiden sneered at me. But then he saw the shadows around us and it clicked. "No Avaryn- no! You don't know what you're doing! Don't you fucking dare!"

Oh but I do. I do dare. 

For a minute it feels like I'm floating.

And then I'm plummeting into a rock.

Everything goes black for only a few seconds before I gather my surroundings. I put an arm to my stomach. Oh fuck, that hurt. I looked around, the blur fading away from my gaze. I was in ... a cave? It was a relatively small cave, more like a small hole in a mountain just large enough to stand in and lay in.

A groan filled my ears and I turned to see Raiden beside me. He too landed on the rock ground. How did we get airborne? And ... on our stomachs?

Raiden lifted himself slowly, his limbs shaking. I knew he was in a lot of pain. I didn't know if it was still from the poison or because of me.

I leaned up into a sitting position, my ribs were on fire. "Okay, I see why you're not supposed to do that with two people."

All Raiden did was glare at the rock beneath him, it seemed I wasn't worth enough to glare at. He was pissed.

"You should have left me," he grunted.    

He was still on that?

"Seriously?"

"I think I'm being pretty fucking serious, Avaryn."

he turned his back to me. The cave was dark anyway, so I couldn't really see him but I understood the gesture.

I glared death at his stupid back. I was sorry for ever caring about him. "I'm sorry for saving your life, next time I leave you to die!"

"Good!"

"Great!"

I clenched my fist so tightly my nails drew blood on my palms. He drove me crazy sometimes. He was being a jackass, once again. Why am I even surprised?

I forced my legs to stand. "I'll make a fire."

He didn't respond, not even when I walked away and out of the cave.

*

When I got back to the cave it was far past nightfall. I got as much wood as I could carry.
Raiden leaned against the rocked wall, his eyes were closed shut but i knew he wasn't sleeping.
But still I built the fire quietly.

The silence was aggravating. I think him not fighting with me was worse than him fighting me. Hot rage poured in my veins. Why was he even upset? I didn't do anything wrong!

And then suddenly his eyes are open. I know this, not because I'm looking at him, but because he is looking at me. I could always feel his gaze when it was attached to me. It was like the sun had eyes and was crashing into me.

"Why?" he asked.

I stopped my movements and stared at him. He lifted himself into a standing position, I noted that he was stronger now. Not as strong as he should be but not as weak as he was. A weight lifted from me. Something very close to relief.

"Why what?"

He took a step closer to me and I fought the urge to take one back.

"Why did you do what you did?"

I felt my lips curl into a smirk. "And what did I do? Refresh my memory."

He stared at me for a second, his head tilting, I didn't think he would take the bait. "Save me. Why did you save me?"

My smile dropped. "What do you mean?"

Another step closer. "Why. did. you. save. me?

"What do you mean why?"

"I mean why?"

"Because!"

Another step closer and we were practically sharing the same air.

"Why? You could have left me for dead."

I opened my mouth to tell him i needed him to find the Vad but he cut me off-

"You don't need me Ryn so don't fucking say that. Why?"

"I-I don't know!"

He was in my face now.

"Bullshit! You risked your life and you don't know why? Why, Ryn?"

"Because!" I shouted in his face. "Because i couldn't- i didnt- i wanted to make this feeling stop, okay? Every time I thought of someone hurting you I felt sick. Like- like a weight in my stomach. And I wanted it to go away," I hissed. "Is that what you wanted to hear? That I care about you? Fine, but this was entirely selfish, I did this for myself."

He was silent for a while, and in that while I was freaking out. He just stared at me. He wasn't stunned, not exactly. Actually he looked quite pleased with himself. But then again I guess he got what he wanted. Like he always does.

"I wouldn't expect anything less, Deshima."

I narrowed my eyes. "I hate that word."

His mouth turned in a crooked smile. "You love it."

I glared and just like that our roles were reversed. I was pissed off and he was the giddy arrogant one. "Get out of my face."

His smile widened. "Make me."

"You're being annoying."

"Well I was kidnapped by my sister and her assassin and then poisoned."

He didn't move his face away from mine, in fact he moved it closer. Our noses brushed softly and it was an agonizing torture. Just the lightest touch of his skin on mine set me on fire.

"Now what, darling?"

I didn't make a move and neither did he. "Why do you even care that I care?"

"What kind of question is that Ryn?"

"Ha! You called me Ryn again!"

He seemed to think on this, after a minute he shook his head (mine practically shook with his, that's how close we were). "No, no I didn't."

"You literally just did."

"I did no such thing."

"Oh, but you did."

"No I don't think I did."

"You did."

He pulled away from me just slightly, we weren't touching anymore but we were pretty close. "Okay this can go on for hours."

"So what I'm hearing is that you're admitting you did?"

His face suddenly broke out into a smile, a bright smile that I haven't seen in a while. "I missed you, deshima."

"Don't call me that."

"You don't even know what it means."

"I have an idea."

"You have no idea."

"Stop insulting me!"

"I'm not insulting you!"

Why is he so sexy when he's yelling? His white hair was messy, I always liked it better like that, and his eyes ... Those eyes of his. They were shining with arrogance, an arrogance I missed. I missed him.

I try not to want him the way I do. Something in me tells me it's wrong.  But I find that I have no self control.

"You know we'll kill each other right?"

He finally let his head rest against mine and his hands captured my face in them. He sighed and it sounded like relief. "I think I would rather enjoy dying at your hands."

I laughed. "Yeah well, I wouldn't enjoy dying at yours and if you try to kill me I swear to god I will hunt you down and destroy you and everything you love."

He smiled. "I would expect nothing less from my Deshima."

"If we're going to do this, you're going to tell me what that means."

He pretended to think, in that absurdly cocky way of this. "Mmm, no I don't think I will."

I went to shove him but he caught my arm, seizing it in his grip and then pulled me against his chest, ruffly.

"Now what, darling?" he asked once again, his breath faining my lips. My heart beat faster in my chest, the way it did when he was this close to me.
I stared into his eyes and in that moment all I felt was fear. Fear of something real. This felt real. For the first time, me and him. It felt real. And that was fucking terrifying. It was really fucking terrifying. In the reflection of his dark eyes I saw myself and I felt like running.

"Shhh," he whispered against my lips. For some reason I thought he was telling my thoughts to shut up. Maybe he was. I didn't have time to contemplate before he finally kissed me.

He kissed me slowly and tauntingly. Slower than he'd ever kissed me before. His lips were soft but ruff and antagonizing. He kissed me like he was afraid of hurting me. Like I was fragile and I would shatter in his arms.

Well too bad, I didn't want slow and sweet. And he wasn't going to break me. He should be afraid of me breaking him. I pushed and of course he pushed back and we moved together. And finally he let go. I felt his grip tighten in my hair, it hurt but I didn't care that much. Fire burned in my core. Finally, He groaned and pushed against me harder. Our lips practically attacked each other.  I pushed back. And it was a battle between us. But everything was. Everything was always a challenge.

Since this was a challenge I let my hands wander like they had a mind of themselves. They traveled down his throat, over his stomach and abdomen and finally ...

Suddenly my hand was snatched and I was being thrown, well more like shoved, against the rock wall. Raiden on me. Softening the blow just before I hit the stone.

"Don't," he sneered while his lips attacked my throat. They traveled slowly along my pulse and behind my ear. He was driving me crazy. And he was doing it on purpose. Both of his hands cuffed mine to the wall while his lips were all over me. He doesn't want me to use my hands? Fine. I'll use my legs. I wrapped one of my legs around the backs of his knees and pulled his body flush against mine. I moved my hips to a makeshift rhythm against him and the ache between them eased a little. He groaned into my neck at the contact. Tingles spread across my skin like electricity. I ached for him.

"Why not?" I asked, my hair was sticking to my face and was in the way of everything but I didn't care. He pulled away from my skin and went for my lips again. I groaned, surprised.

He pulled away, his mouth near my ear, he whispered against my skin, "I'm not going to fuck you in a cave."

I bit my lip to stop from squirming. Did he have to use those words? "Why not?"

I felt him smile, or smirk, knowing him. "I don't want to be limited. And I want to be in my right mind when I make you scream."

Oh fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I squeezed my eyes shut. "You're driving me crazy."

"I know, it's quite fun actually."

"Do you want me to murder y-?"

I'm cut off by his lips that shut me up. I swirl my tongue with his and this time he groaned. I wished my hands weren't being held back. If they weren't I would run them through his soft hair.

Two could play at his game.

I rolled my hips that were pressed tightly against his. Heat was sent straight to my core and I resisted the urge to squeeze my thighs together. Oh, I'm sure he'll love that. He pulled away from my mouth just so say, "fuck." his dark eyes were glossed over, he looked drunk with bliss.

Finally my wrists were released from his death grip and for the purpose of him ripping my shirt from my body. He kissed down my chest.

"I'm not going to give you what you want."

I sucked in a breath when his mouth circled over my breast. "How about ... compromise?" I whimpered at the feel of his teeth against my nipple.

"And what would compromise be darling?"

Words seem to leave me. "I ..." I was on fire and I was drowning at the same time. That was what he did to me. "I ... um." Was he going to make me say it out loud?

His hand traveled over my stomach and I was trembling at the mere touch of his skin on mine, he shot through me and pressure built between my thighs. Fuck. he was so close to my waist band. Just a little closer ... and he stopped.

He smiled against me once again. He lifted his head to stare me in the eyes. I could barely look at him, it felt like my vision was blurring. His hand circled my waist band.

"Use your words."

I squirmed under his touch but he didn't move. "Seriously?"

He kissed me again, still smiling. "I knew you wouldn't." he kissed me slowly and then I felt his hand dive underneath my waistband and then underneath the band of my panties. I whimpered into his mouth before he even touched me.

His other hand lifted my thigh up and over his hip. And then finally ... I pulled away from his kiss to moan, my head falling back against the rock at the touch of his fingers circling inside me around my clit. "Oh, fuck." my breaths come shallow and uneven. I don't think ive ever felt this way before. Ever. I didn't know I could ever feel this way. I ached. And it felt amazing. But also it was torure and agonizing, in a good way. I didn't want him to stop ever. Every inch of my skin was on fire, burning, he lit me a flame. Heat poured off of me in waves and I couldn't breathe. I was building up very quickly.

I looked up at the rock ceiling as his fingers moved quicker. "Raiden," I moaned, my fingers tightened in his hair. I was so close. 

"Look at me," he said softly but it was an order. So I forced my eyes on him. His gaze was glossed over, he looked drunk and something else I couldn't describe. He looked at me like ... like I was the only thing that ever mattered. Just like that, I unraveled beneath him, my body shuddering along with my mind that was being blown. I felt like screaming at the sensations that filled me but Raiden silenced any sound that would've came out of my mouth with a kiss. I rode his fingers out until my orgasim passed.

I pulled away and slumped against him, I was breathing heavier than I'd ever breathed before. That was ... wow. I never knew that would feel like that.

I buried my head in his neck. I didn't feel like talking now. I kinda felt embarrassed for some reason.

Then all of the sudden I'm being lifted up, into Raidens arms.

"Raiden!" I squealed, surprised.

He doesn't say anything, he lays us down onto his cloak. He lays on the rock ground and I lay on top of him. I suppose he's more comfortable than the stone.

I suddenly felt really tired, my eyes drifted closed on their own. I cleared my throat. "So should I be concerned about how good you were at that?" I felt his shoulders start to shake with laughter. "Don't laugh! I'm serious."

"Serious' that I was really good darling?"

My face heats up. "I never said 'really'."

"Should I refresh your memory?"

"Well, I wouldn't be opposed to that..."

He turned his head toward mine and kissed me softly with so much emotion it nearly shocked me. It was like I could feel what he was feeling through this kiss. It was strange. He pulled away slightly until our lips only grazed each other. "Go to sleep, Deshima."

My eyes were already closing. "Okay."

I woke up some time in the night feeling like I had been sucked into the pits of hell. I wasn't sure what time it was, it felt like it had only been ten minutes from when I fell asleep. I lifted my body off of Raidens. I forgot that sleeping on him was like sleeping on top of a heater. I was burning hot.

I went outside the cave to get some fresh cold air. I closed my eyes and let the wind wip across my face. I felt ... at peace. It was strange. I knew there were people out there hunting me and I knew there was a war that I could stop. But I felt safe.

And then I felt my hair being yanked and me being thrown against a tree. I thrashed and kicked at the person but stopped immediately when I felt something cold against my throat.

Roz stood before me, I knife pressed to my skin and she glared death at me. Her eyes were dark and wild but nothing like Raidens. Her curly hair was messy like she had been tugging on it. "What did he call you?"

"What?" I hissed.

She pushed against me, my back digging painfully into the tree. She was stronger than she looked. "Raiden. What the fuck did he call you?"

Her face was up close and personal with mine. I could practically feel her breathe. "What are you talking about?"

"I've been searching for you all night and finally I see the glow from the fire along the mountains. So I walk up to the cave and hear my brother utter that word to you. Tell me he didn't say it."

I think back to the last words Raiden said to me before we went to sleep. "You mean ... Deshima?"

Roz's eyes widened at me when I said the word.  "He called you that?" She whisper-shouted in my face.

"Yes! Why? You're acting crazy. Well crazier than you usually are."

"Oh my fucking god." She released me from her grip and put her knife away. "Fuck," she cursed.

"What does it ... mean?" I asked.

"He hasn't told you?"

"No."

She shifted on her feet. "It's- it's from his mother's language. I'm not sure how to translate it. But the closest description would be 'most loved' or 'beloved'. But it's so much more than what any of your human words can describe. And especially to Raiden. It's the word you call the person you love most in the world. His mother used to call him that. She ... she used to call both of us that."

I gaped at her for a full minute. And then finally I slumped against the tree and eventually to the ground. "Maybe... maybe you're wrong?" I suggested. "Raiden- he doesn't- he doesn't love me."

"He would never use that word unless he meant it, Avaryn."

Oh..

Fuck.

***

Hello my lovelies. I suck at writing smut when it comes to characters I wrote so I'm sorry if it sucked 😭 also why are y'all freaking out cause I said see you next year?? I was being sarcastic please 💀

Anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter I don't know when I'll post again so don't ask. Okay bye.