Everything in our world is interconnected. There is no extra or over and above what there should be. Mother created our world with a balance of light powers and dark powers. But where should we place love? Is it a light feeling or is it full of darkness and pain? Right now it seems to me that it's a dark, twistedly cruel feeling that makes me so weak and vulnerable. It's the feelings that make me feel jealousy, rage because of powerlessness, and fear that I can't handle it and will cross the line.

Seraphus is with him, isn't he? Seraphus is with his lover. Exactly what he should be. And me? Our kiss...my kiss...Mother, it hurts so much. I'm not jealous. I want him to be happy. I want Seraphus and Ellior to succeed, to get through this, to prove to everyone that Mother isn't wrong. I want no more attacks. I want my vision to remain a vision and fade into nothing. I saw Ellior being killed and felt an unfamiliar pain. I didn't even know it was him at the time. I didn't. And the fact that I know now doesn't change anything. I should probably hate Ellior for all the pain he has caused and is causing Seraphus. But something keeps me from doing so. Yes, Ellior is very arrogant and his temper is terrible. But I've seen him die. I've seen him fight to the end, defending his life alone. And my visions... they're complicated. They're made up of parts. They're not always the same. For example, the pain of the claws and teeth of the dejeu was the pain of an arrow. And the moments we lived through with Seraphus didn't include them. But the dejeu did appear in another incident. My visions are composite and need to be taken apart as they all relate to different parts. But Ellior will be killed. Maybe there will be an attack somewhere on the borders of the kingdoms or something. Seraphus won't be able to survive that, he'll want to die, or that's how those who have lost their true one die. I don't know, but I feel bad. I feel so awful.

I snap out of my thoughts when Stellare wraps his arms around me and pulls me close, stroking my head gently. I hadn't even noticed how he'd managed to carry me to the bed, covering me, lying next to me. I lay on his chest, and he strokes me like he knows something. Only Lua had ever hugged me like that. Or rather, I hugged him when I was comforting him. I was trying to protect him, to take away his pain and sadness, his fear and the horror of his life. Just being there silently like that. I had never needed a comforting hug before. Even beatings, punishments, and more didn't seem like a good reason to snuggle up to someone and let my tears break through the thick armor of patience. But something happened to me. I fell in love. That's the reason. I fell in love hard. With the wrong one. And it hurts so much.

"You were rejected?" Stellare whispers.

"No," I reply. "Why would you..."

"Come on, Lua, I know the scent of being rejected. I know it because I've smelled it myself just as often in my life when I've been rejected. My brother, my fathers, others. And I caught that scent from you. You mask it, of course, but I know it. The others would hardly understand. They think it's sadness, that you're upset about something, or still weakened from the attack. But it's the scent of pain, of being rejected. The scent of heartbreak, Lua."

I lift my head, looking into the elf's eyes full of warmth.

"I did it. Not him. I rejected," I admit.

"You must have had a good reason for that, Lua, since you're suffering so much now. Quietly suffering."

I hum and sigh deeply, snuggling into Stellare's neck. It feels so good. Really, it feels so good when he hugs me. Stellare's warmth feels so good.

"Tell me, would you be able to abandon Vox or Ailes in favor of their relationship, their feelings, and stand back?" I quietly ask.

"No," he replies immediately. "I couldn't."

"But what if it was important? Important to the rest of the others?"

"My answer wouldn't change. Why should I suffer for those "others"? If they are uncomfortable with who I love, that's their problem. If they are against it, that's their problem. No one has the right to tell me whom to love."

"You think your fathers and Ailes' fathers would accept Vox?" I frown.

"I don't think about it, Lua. I don't think about it at all. Yes, we don't publicize our relationship, but if my fathers find out, I won't step aside. I won't do what my brother did. I won't give up any of them. It's like giving up your home, Lua. Giving up your heart, your ability to breathe, your life. You can't give that up. I don't know how cruel one has to be to turn away and walk away. There's only one explanation. If they do that, they've never loved."

"What if it's an affair?" I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling where the canopy meets.

"You think he was toying with you?" Stellare frowns, propping his head up with a hand.

"No, I don't. Just... a passing deviation from the norm, I guess. He's not single. He's with someone else. It's not his fault I'm the one who fell in love. It's not his fault that as soon as I looked into his eyes, I knew he'd be my whole world. He'd always be special to me. Can I get involved in someone else's relationship, ruin it, put both of them in danger? Even if I feel like he wasn't going to give up that fleeting spark between us?"

"So you decided for him? You rejected him without even listening? Without finding out what he thought about everything?"

"He's too kind, Stellare. He'd... he'd suffer. I don't want him to suffer."

"It's better that only you should suffer? Why, Lua? Why do you always take all the blame? Your feelings aren't a crime and since they came up, he let it happen. We're not idiots, Lua. We feel everything, including sympathy, desire and attraction. You're only hurting yourself. Did you talk to him about your decision?"

"No," I whisper, turning my head to face Stellare. "I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll fall apart, I can't take it. I hold myself back. Holding back thoughts of him... of them. I hold back this pain. I'm afraid of it. I'm not entitled to these feelings. That's not why I'm here, Stellare."

"Who cares why you're here? Feelings can't be planned, and I didn't plan on falling in love with two either. I thought Ailes, and I were gonna get married and that was it, and then Vox showed up. I was lost. We were all lost in those feelings. And you can't block them out, Lua. You can't. Otherwise, they'll play tricks on you. You realize your body will betray you, your scent, your mind. Yes, none of us can be called true anymore, but that doesn't stop love from appearing in our hearts. The true ones are only a clue as to who our Mother has chosen for us. And the rest is our work, our choice. And what you do is bad. You're going to be physically in pain, you know?"

"Physically?" I surprise.

"Yes. When Ailes and I fought because of Vox, we didn't see each other for three years. We refused to see each other, and it was unbearably painful. I mean, think about it, every day you get an erection and you can't come. Your lower abdomen is aching, it's making you lose energy. On top of that, your concentration decreases and you can just get killed or have your powers taken away. There's also dizziness, nausea, and a scent that attracts rapists, predators to you. It's dangerous. You're an elf, even though you don't look like me visually, but you have elf blood in you, Lua. You'll suffer physically like I do."

"Don't others suffer the same? I mean, depending on the species?"

"They suffer. It just manifests itself in different ways. Fairies fade. They lose all their powers if they are far away from those they are in love with. They stop eating, they fall asleep and have nightmares. Demons have their own difficulties. They don't control their fighting form. They attack. Each classification has its own difficulties if they are kept away from their lovers."

"I thought such difficulties were only for the true ones."

"In the past, there was no distinction between mere feelings and the feelings of the true ones, because it was one whole. Now even the Oracles say that there are no true ones, there are only us and our feelings. The true ones manifested at once. They were guided by the Mother to meet each other to make their meeting easier. Now we make our own choices. That's the difference. And giving up your feelings, especially if they're real, is the same as giving up the real thing. You become impotent, you lose your powers, you experience weakness more often and you become vulnerable."

"So your brother is impotent?" I grin. Even though I already know the right answer.

"No, as far as I've heard and know, he doesn't refuse to join orgies," Stellare snorts. That's a lie. I know otherwise. So these are all rumors spread on purpose. "That is why I believe my brother has been lying to everyone. It's also why I believe that the true ones are not love. When you love, you never hurt the one you love. Never. You'll hurt yourself many times more. And does... Mother, how can you make the one you love suffer? Why?"

"It turns out that my feelings are only temporary, some kind of wrong, right? I'm not really in love? Because he's not in pain. He's just uncomfortable with what we had. Probably ashamed."

"Did he tell you that?"

"No, it's my thoughts."

"You can't decide for him, Lua. You can't do that. You should hear him out. Especially since you gave up yourself and your feelings for him in favor of some asshole who's been lost somewhere. Did you ask him if he loves him? Did you ask him if he wants to be with him? Because time passes, our feelings change, and so do we."

"So, love doesn't last forever?"

"I don't know, Lua. If there were true ones, I guess we could say that if the feelings are true, they're eternal, like for my fathers. But now...I don't know, things can change. It's like a flower," Stellare lifts his hand and a green, bright ball of light glows above his palm, from which a lush scarlet rose appears. "Without water, fertilizer and care, any plant will dry up," the rose in his hand begins to wither, darken and lose petals, disappearing into the darkness. "And so for some, love stays that way, because we change, and the flower needs to be cared for differently, too. It can't go back to the way it was before. I don't believe in frozen feelings. It doesn't happen, because our lives don't freeze, they go on. Do you think it's possible to bring the flower back to its past beauty?"

"Yeah, if you start taking care of it again," I run my palm over the wilted rose, but nothing happens.

Stellare grins and shakes his head.

"It doesn't. The roots have rotted away, Lua. They're already empty and even the noble soil won't help it. But if you pluck the flower, throw away the rotten remains, and cut the rotten roots, there's a chance you'll find something else alive in there," Stellare shows the dry roots in the palm of his hand and the top layer comes off, then another and another until the thin and weak inner root is revealed. "Likewise, with any living thing. Some give up and drop the idea of reviving feelings because it's too complex. It'll demand even more energy than before. But if there is enough stubbornness, a new flower will grow. It will differ from the previous one. It may not be as strong and healthy because it will have triggered the memory of pain. What if you add someone else's energy? New, fresh and absolutely sincere?"

Over the weak and faded rose, golden lights begin to sparkle and soak into the stem and bud. The rose straightens up and its bud blooms, but a little now different in color from the previous one.

"You see? You can't revive anything, Lua, you can only grow the new on the old. Because the core that lies beneath the rot is us. And the rot is our pain, our fears and our fear of trusting again. But with the right care, attention and patience, love will live on. Not everyone is ready for that. Not everyone wants to waste the time of their lives. Not everyone is ready to accept their mistakes and grow a new flower. It's easier to give up, leave and say that the flower will be better with another owner. But will it be better? No one ever knows. Sometimes it's a yes, sometimes it takes a lot of effort, and sometimes it depends on one being, sometimes it depends on two beings."

"Like between you three," I smile as the glow stops and the rose disappears from Stellare's palm.

"I wouldn't say any of us have been so badly wounded inside that it would take a lot of energy to recover. But still, each of us already has wounds, fears and concerns. Three isn't so scary, it's beautiful, just like two is beautiful, just like four is beautiful. Love is huge, really. You can love four at the same time, but love is different. With some it's bright, sparkling, sometimes so exhausting. And with some it's fun, sweet and tender. But without sparks, the heart fades, just as it does without tenderness."

"And it's you who's telling me all this. You, who can't even tell your boyfriends how to love you properly?" I arch an eyebrow skeptically.

"It's complicated," Stellare laughs. "Sometimes I want everything at once. I'm an elf. I'm very capricious. I need a lot of attention, a lot of it. And when I'm weak, I feel instantly abandoned, lost, lonely. Elves don't like loneliness, unlike fairies or demons. We don't know how to be alone. Loneliness kills us. Besides, I don't know how I want to be loved. Yes, I have an idea, but it changes all the time. I'm fickle, even in my desires, unfortunately. We're all elves like that. That's why the rest of us think we're terrible husbands."

"Is that so? Are you terrible husbands?" I raise myself up and look at Stellare carefully.

"You know, I've seen a lot of things. I've seen some terrible husbands. Your father, for example, and many others. Cruel, vicious, insatiable. And I've seen sincere, vulnerable, gentle elves, devoted to one man until death. And they choose death over marriage to others. So we can be different. But the fact that elves are capricious and always need someone around is undeniable. You thought Ailes was clingy? Oh, you just haven't been paired with an elf."

"Actually, I was," I grin.

"What?" Stellare raises his eyebrows in surprise.

"I mean, my best friend is an elf. We had been together since childhood, growing up together and spending every spare moment together, often sleeping together. We were very close. And I loved that closeness. He was everything to me. I'd kill for him. I love him very much, as a brother, as a friend, as my family. But there was no intimacy between us, he offered, but I didn't want it to be so...it just felt wrong."

"See? Elves are very clingy," Stellare smiles. "And honestly, I don't know how he held back and didn't seduce you. We're elves. We know how to attract."

"He tried a few times, but like I said, it wasn't right. Intimacy is a responsibility, and I wasn't ready for it. But sometimes I just wanted to give it up. To forget, to feel the warmth of another being, to try. And then I was scared again."

"Because of Isengard? Did he suppress you?"

"I wasn't allowed to show my power. Otherwise he would have taken it away, taken it all away," I whisper bitterly.

"I thought so, we thought so, because there's no other way to explain why you hold yourself back so much."

"Hold back?"

"Lua," Stellare rolls his eyes and tsks, "you attract like an elf. You seduce with a glance, like an incubus. You're as strong as a demon. And you're as perverse as a fey. You have an energy that suits both dark and light. You make me want to taste you. You're alluring in many ways. Sometimes, like an incubus, you spray aphrodisiacs that make the mind go crazy. Sometimes, like a fairy, you draw me in with the promise of peace, comfort and sweetness. Sometimes, like a demon, you're pushy and dominant, think of Piros. He lost his mind in a flash. And sometimes, like an elf, you flirt with a look that promises intrigue. But you don't let any of those feelings grow, be noticeable, and you don't let yourself be you. You hold yourself back, and quite a bit, as well as your skills. You survived the arrow full of light, laced with poison. You've created a dome of protection for several living beings. You've fought the dead. You're powerful in all forms of magic. When you appeared, you were terrified. I could feel it. But now you're getting comfortable with us and slowly showing your true self. And yet you're holding back. You're holding back a lot. I can't believe you're a coward, Lua. You would never give up. You'd have lured that guy so hard, he'd have lost his mind, given it all to you. But you backed down. What are you afraid of? Your father's not here. This is the beginning of your way. You can do a lot of things. You just have to let yourself. You can be yourself and not hide your dark and dirty desires. You don't have to hide your power. It's who you are."

"I'm not a perv," I laugh, shoving Stellare in the chest. He immediately rolls me onto my back, hovering over me.

"Admit that at least once in your sexual fantasies, you've been with the three of us. Admit it," he squints.

"I'm not denying it. Maybe thought about it, but..."

"That's what I'm talking about. And when you think about it, the others feel it. We feel it. If we didn't have a chance, we'd back off, Lua. But you give us a chance, you give Piros a chance. For example, you didn't give Fima a chance, and you didn't give Mor a chance. They're not tempted, but we are. That's one of the manifestations of your power. But you're holding it back. And then what happens when it breaks free? Why don't you just let it manifest properly instead of punishing it for choosing you as its master? Why not give in to temptation?"

"Don't try to change my mind," I say, still smiling as I playfully flick his nose. "Don't turn me on, elf."

"So take the chance from me," he squints, licking his lips. "Come on, take it away. But you won't because you like it, Lua. You like this tension, you like what you're hiding from yourself. And you can take it. You won't hurt anyone with it, trust me. Take me or Ailes or Vox or Piros. You could have an orgy and everyone would be happy. That's it. Because that's who we are and we don't need to be ashamed of it. That's the great thing about the House, you can try anything. Here..."

Suddenly a gargoyle flies past my face, and Stellare shrieks, bouncing on the bed.

"What the hell?" He hisses, putting his palm to his cheek. I sit up abruptly and stare in horror at the thin cut on Stellare's cheek, but it slowly heals.

"Why did you do that?" I shift my gaze indignantly to the babbling gargoyle. "Why did you cut him? Why did you attack?"

"Are those your gargoyles?" Stellare marvels, looking around.

"Yes, and they are very displeased. All of them. They were under the ceiling, and now they're stomping on my feet and hitting me, telling me something."

"They're jealous?" Stellare snorts with laughter.

"What the hell? So why did you do it?" I yank up the blanket, causing the gargoyles to roll to the floor and then fly up, continuing to roar. "Get the hell out of here. Now. I don't allow you to touch my friends. Out. You can't come in here now. Out."

The gargoyles start screaming again, pointing their fingers at Stellare.

"Get. Out," I bark at them.

The gargoyles press their lips together resentfully and sit back down on my feet, watching Stellare.

"Don't." Stellare takes my hand, for which he gets another smack from a gargoyle. One of them scratches him again. "I'm not attacking him! Calm down!"

"What are you doing?" I'm swiping them off the blanket. "Get out of here."

"Don't send them away. They won't go away, they'll just get angrier," Stellare hums and gives me a quick peck on the cheek, then storms out of my bed with a giggle. The gargoyles immediately surround me, roaring at the guy showing them his tongue.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to my boys before your boys kill me. I got too close to you, got too close to your weakness, nearly broke all the walls you've surrounded yourself with, and they feel it. They're defending your honor. They're protecting you, Lua, and you're still in doubt. But once you stop doubting, even they can't interfere with what's going on. So I'll just wait." Stellare winks at me and leaves my room, and I turn an angry glance at the smiling gargoyles.

"Okay, listen up. I'm seriously telling you that if you do anything like that again, you won't be allowed to come here. Is that clear? And you can't sleep with me tonight. Go to your master. No," I point at the gargoyle that just opened its mouth, "don't even think about defending yourself or making excuses. No. If I want to, I'll kiss anyone, okay? And I know what you're doing. There is nothing between me and Seraphus and there never will be. And I want to move on. Only I choose with whom I'll move on. And I like guys. I do. I'm tired of thinking about other all the time. Stellare's right, I should think about myself for once. For once in my life, I need to know what it's like to be favored and loved. So shut your mouths and get out. I have a grudge against you. Out. Think about your behavior."

I watch as the gargoyles, shoulders slumped, slowly fly toward the open window. One of them turns around, but I point to the window.

Left alone, I fall back onto the pillow and cover my face with my hands. Damn it, and this world is turning out to be so complicated. But at least I've stopped suffering.

"Oh, Mother, is this it?" Opening my eyes abruptly, I stare at the ceiling. "This is my rescue? In Stellare, in Ailes and Vox? In them? Because I didn't even think of Seraphus and his true one while the elf was here, lying next to me, touching me, seducing me. Is this my cure? If it is, I'll accept it. I'll choose to accept it. I promise. So I can hold out until Lua shows up, and then I'll disappear. I'm his servant. I have to protect him, and until then, I'll save myself. I can do it."