Warning: Maiming, and trauma. NOT sexual assault.

As a note, when I originally wrote this story I wrote Miwako as a character to put through my genuine fears as an adolescence and as someone to help me cope through the trauma I personally experienced.

What occurs here, and her thoughts afterwards do not reflect my true current feelings on this matter. That being said, I, as a prepubescent, had these thoughts and I believe Miwako would share these thoughts. I will not apologize for past traumatic thoughts.

That being said, the subject may make you uncomfortable. Please proceed with caution, and if you feel you simply cannot handle this trauma then don't. I wrote this story as a way to help myself cope, not to openly trigger other readers.

(Flashback~)

I stared at the belly with wide, round eyes. My doctor, Nunnally White - or as she preferred I called her, just Nunnally smiled at me. Her hair was done up in a bun, a few dark black strands sticking out as she adjusted her glasses. She rolled her chair over to my bed, a clipboard in hand and a mischievous spark in her eyes.

"If your eyes get any bigger, they'll pop out," Nunnally said teasingly. My cheeks flushed and I smiled shyly at her.

"Is a baby really going to come out?" I asked quietly, gesturing to her.

Nunnally's eyes gleamed. Her tone softened and a warmer glow took to her. "That's right. A baby girl."

I hadn't seen Nunnally so soft before. She was a nice doctor, I suppose. She was very polite. Nunnally told me I was her youngest patient, and that she was used to treating adults. She said that she knew my father, though, and that she was one of the best oncologists around, and that was why she was treating me.

She was a nice doctor, but I got the feeling she didn't like me very much at first.

But, a few months ago her demeanor changed. Instead of just talking to my parents, and then just giving me a list of big words that were supposed to make me better, or just running more radiation treatments, and then leaving... she stayed. She lingered and she talked.

She started to bring me little toys and asked me which ones I liked best. I liked it when she told me stories during the tests. It made them go by a lot faster.

She told me she was going to have a baby.

"Do you love her?" I asked.

"Of course I do," Nunnally said. "And you know, when I'm on my maternity leave..."

"It's not that you're leaving me, it's just that you need to take care of your baby, I know," I said, grinning sheepishly.

Nunnally placed a hand over her abdomen. "It won't be too much longer now."

I stared at her belly, then my eyes trailed down. A cold knot was starting to form in my stomach and a stab of jealousy ran through me. "... You... you're going to spend a lot of time with her?"

"As much as I can."

"And you'll love her... unconditionally?"

Nunnally peered at me, a curious glint entering her eyes. "Yes."

"And she'll love you unconditionally, too, right?"

She laughed lightly. "I hope so."

"I bet she does already."

"Are you alright?"

My hands curled into fists, my gaze refusing to raise. The jealousy wouldn't leave me be. "Momma isn't coming today, again."

Nunnally sat back in her chair. "I see."

"She doesn't like coming here."

"... She loves you."

I only raised my shoulders up for a brief moment, before dropping them.

Nunnally pursed her lips, her brow furrowed.

It won't be longer now, before I can't move at all. She's been coming less and less. She always cries. I don't mean to make her cry... I just...

If she loved me... why isn't she here? Why aren't Papa and Lala here? Why do they visit less and less...?

My eyes lifted up and I glanced at Nunnally. She immediatley smiled back at me. "She loves you, always. I promise."

... I just want to feel that love, though. Like I feel your love for your baby, and I feel that baby's love for you.

I don't want to die unloved.

('･ω･')

I was curled up in the darkness. In the seal, I didn't want anything pretty or nice. I didn't want anything, but the darkness as it seemed most fitting for the moment. Kurama had curled around me, not touching me in the slightest, as his eyes rested on me.

I was crying.

Nothing loud. Just silent... silent tears.

I was mourning.

"I didn't know you actually wanted..."

"I didn't either," I whispered. "I didn't know if I wanted to keep... to keep what I had. Most kunoichi lose theirs in order to be more effective on missions."

I curled up tighter around myself.

Kurama rested his head on his paws, his hot breath washing over me. "I... I am sorry for what you have lost."

A dry sob escaped me and I buried my face in my hands, shaking and cringing as I could recall the sharpsharpsharp pain when Hidan had—

Kurama had curled up around me, this time actually pulling me close and I clung onto his fur, shaking. He didn't say anything. He didn't say I told you so. You should have used my power. You should have called upon my power and then you wouldn't have lost it. But you valued his opinion more than your own life and now you paid the price.

He didn't say it.

And I was forever grateful he didn't.

Because I knew what I had done. I knew... I knew full and well the price I had paid. Something no girl or woman should pay unless they wanted to give it up.

I didn't want to give it up.

But it was too late.

It was stolen from me.

I mourned.

('･ω･')

I opened my eyes, greeted by the sight of warm light and flowers. I blinked my eyes a couple times, slowly clearing away the blurred edges and taking in my surroundings.

"Miwa?"

I turned towards the raw voice, finding myself staring in wide, worried, blue eyes. Naruto. He was sitting by my bed, his hand clasped together in his lap and he leaned towards me.

I bit my bottom lip. "Hi, Aniki."

"What happened?"

I glanced at Sasuke who was sitting beside Naruto, his own face darkened and his eyes sharp. I could feel Kakashi's presence from the opposite side of me. He was sitting next to me as well, parallel to Naruto and Sasuke.

I lowered my gaze, flinching. "... I already gave my report to Obaa-chan."

Silence met my response.

"Imouto..." Naruto reached towards me and unable to help myself, I flinched a little. Because... Because... Ifailedhim. I failed him. I couldn't defeat them. I couldn't defeat them and Ipaidtheprice and it was my fault because now I didn't think I was goodenough because I wasn't even—I wasn't even—not anymore—. He froze, his eyes widening.

"I... I'm sorry," I managed.

Naruto stood up, his gaze becoming carefully blank.

He walked out of the room.

Sasuke stared after him a moment before shifting his gaze towards me. "... Would you like us to give you some time?"

I closed my eyes. "... I... I need more time to myself. I'm sorry. I just... I have a lot to process."

"We understand," Kakashi said gently, though his and Sasuke's faces were carefully blank as well and for a moment I worried if they somehow knew and if maybe, maybe they didn't—they didn't want to be associated with me anymore—that maybe I wasn't—maybe I wasn't—

...goodenouganymore?

They left.

I closed my eyes and laid back down on the bed.

Naruto is beside himself with worry and anger. He's going to hunt them down.

He won't find them, I responded. I... You can tell him... tell him—

I faltered. Tell him I had taken down all, save two of Kakuzu's hearts before Hidan managed to snag some of my blood. Those two will be gone for a while until Kakuzu can restock on his hearts, not to mention they have to finish the sealing, and it's only been a day.

Nearly four, actually. Very well; I will explain this much to him.

Thank you.

I could feel Kurama give off a soft sigh. Don't mention it, little one.

('･ω･')

I didn't have any more visitors for that day, at my request. And surprisingly, I wasn't visited for the majority of the next day. Perhaps Kurama could have felt my rather foul mood and warned Naruto of it, knowing I would only be bothered by company.

However... at the end... right when the sun was going down... one person came.

He entered the room and gave me a warm smile. "Well if it isn't my favorite girl."

My eyes widened. "J-Jiraiya?"

He chuckled and I scrambled to sit up in my bed and make room for him to sit next to me as well. He took the hint and sat next to me on my bed, ruffling my hair in the process—and I was proud of myself for not flinching—and he said, "Imagine my surprise when just yesterday I received an urgent frog message from Naruto saying you needed me. So... Mind telling me what's up?"

My eyes widened in surprise. "... I... Obaa-chan... didn't...?"

"I just got in the village before Naruto grabbed me and practically threw me in your room," Jiraiya said. "All I know now is that you were... in a fight? And you were injured badly enough to be in the hospital and something happened that's making Naruto worry."

I felt a rush of affection and gratitude towards my brother. I didn't know how he knew, because I didn't even know, but somehow... somehow he knew that Jiraiya was... was just what I needed. My throat tightened and I felt my eyes already stinging. My hands curled into fists and I looked down. "J-Jiraiya-sensei..."

Jiraiya shifted next to me. "Mn?"

"I—I got into a fight with two Akatsuki members. Kakuzu, and Hidan. Both of th-them invested in immortality. Kakuzu invested in immortality by having his body become damn near indestructible. You can cut off his head and he'll just sew it right back on, so long as he has a single heart beating, he'll live. He has five hearts, each one k-kept in a, um, mask of sorts. The hearts have a special chakra affinity and when he uses each mask he can control that heart's affinity. I-I took down his water, fire, and wind hearts be-before... before..."

I fell silent for a long time. I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Hidan has the ability that whenever h-he has some of your blood, he can... he can transfer whatever injuries he has done to himself to you. H-He managed to grab some of my blood after I took d-down Kakuzu's w-w-water mask. I-I di-didn't realize b-because I-I was so focused on-on Kakuzu, I didn't r-realize until i-it was too late. H-H-He stabbed h-h-his knees first, s-so I couldn't run and th-then, a-a-and th-th-then—"

My hands tightened and I clutched my lower abdomen. "He took it from me."

And I retold my story to the man I, too, considered like a father, and to the man that would then hold me as I cried the last of my tears on the event.

('･ω･')

"What?" I blinked in surprise. Sakura was sitting at my bedside, peeling an apple for me the following day.

"Mm-hmm. One of our scouts caught wind of those Akatsuki guys and Jiraiya-sama volunteered to go after them. Tsunade-sama agreed to it, so Jiraiya-sama, Kakashi-san, Naruto-kun and Sasuke-kun all left right away. Tsunade-sama mentioned Jiraiya-sama was uncharacteristically serious," Sakura repeated, handing me a sliced and peeled apple. I bit into it, munching quietly.

"I... I told Jiraiya-sensei..."

"He seemed really fond of you," Sakura murmured softly, looking at me with warm green eyes. "You know, when I passed by your window the other day and saw you two, it almost seemed like a father comforting his daughter."

I blushed brightly, looking away. "Mn... H-He and Kakashi-sensei... They're both precious to me."

Sakura giggled and there was a light knock at the door. I looked up, smiling shyly. "Hello, Hinata-chan."

Hinata gave me a warm smile. Hinata had been visiting me every day, even if she didn't enter the room (on the days that I didn't want company, she merely left some flowers and food before leaving). "Hello, Miwako-chan. I-I brought you some more books, the ones you requested."

"Thank you!" I exclaimed, beaming at the girl. She gave me a soft smile in return, pulling up a chair next to Sakura and setting the books in my lap.

Sakura giggled. "Ah, this sure is nice. It's been a while since the girls were together... When you're out of the hospital, Miwako-chan, perhaps we should throw a slumber party?"

"Slumber... party?"

"Th-That sounds nice," Hinata agreed, smiling prettily.

I shifted, feeling a little anxious. "I've never..."

Not in this lifetime and not in the previous...

"Really?" Sakura exclaimed, her eyes widening. "Then we better make this a huge one. Oooh, I bet we could get Temari-senpai and Tenten-senpai to come! We can hold it over at Ino's place because her parents are usually really cool about that sort of thing, not to mention she could totally get Chōji to make us a whole bunch of food. Have you had some of his cooking? It's the best."

I giggled. "That sounds nice. I think I would really enjoy that."

"I-I can talk to Chichi-ue and see if he would be willing to allow me to bring some of our movies. We actually have quite a big c-collection," Hinata added.

"Excellent! I'll talk to Ino about it and see if I can send out a letter to Temari-senpai..." Sakura trailed off, humming thoughtfully.

Brat. You seem better.

Talking to Jiraiya really helped. Tell him and Naruto I said thank you, please?

Humph! What am I, your messenger? Fine!

Thank you.

"What kind of deserts should we have there?" Hinata wondered.

"Chocolate!" Sakura exclaimed.

I nodded in agreement. "A-Anything sweet."

"Mm... Just thinking about the deserts..." Sakura trailed off. "Well! I don't know about you, but I'm seriously looking forward to this."

Naruto wants me to see if you're fine. I swear on the Sage that I'm only doing this because I don't like seeing the whiny little bitch upset by something that wasn't my doing, and I don't want to deal with your self-pity.

Having been with Kurama for so long, I could read between the lines. Thank you, Kurama. I... I am better now. When he returns, I want to tell him what happened.

Fine.

('･ω･')

I wasn't released for another day, and the very same night I was released, I was swooped away by the girls.

('･ω･')

It took another day for Naruto to return home.

I was curled up on the couch in our room, when I felt his unique chakra signature and heard the front door creak open. I looked up from my current book, feeling my heart flutter with nerves. Naruto slowly entered the room, his clothes torn and worn down, but I didn't see any injuries on him, meaning if there ever were any, they were shallow enough that Kurama managed to heal them in time.

"We got them," Naruto said quietly, shifting nervously.

I remembered my last conversation I had with him, I ended up flinching away.

I moved over on the couch, patting the spot next to me. Naruto hesitated a brief moment before moving to sit down next to me.

"I'm sorry I flinched last time," I said softly. "I know that must have upset you. I'm sorry."

Naruto shook his head. "N—"

I held up my hand. "Please... let me finish. I just... I felt like I failed you, Aniki. I... I felt like it was my own fault that Asuma and Shikamaru were placed in the situation in the first place, and I know how much you care about them. I just... I couldn't stand the thought of losing them and having to face you. So I... I stayed behind. I know... I know... looking back on it now, it seems kind of silly and irrational, but at the time, all I could think about..."

Clearing my throat, I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. "I got Kakuzu down to two hearts before... b-before Hidan ma-managed to get my blood. I-I... He wasn't trying t-to kill me o-or anything. He j-just wanted to hurt m-me... And when he... and when he... and then he... then he... he took it from me."

I placed my hands over my abdomen. "N-Naruto... I'm not... he managed to stab at just the right spot to make sure I wasn't... I'm not even... not anymore... I'm not... I'm not a girl anymore. I c-c-can't even be a womananymore. I can't even have children anymore."

Naruto's eyes widened and he rested his hands over mine. I looked down.

"And—and it just feels so wrong, I mean... I-I'm not even a-a-a gender anymore, technically. Those parts of me h-h-had t-t-to be removed a-and, I—I can't get them back. I'm not a she or even a he, I'm an it, and I felt... feel... so ashamed of it because I could have p-prevented it, too. If I was stronger... smarter... faster... I just... I-I flinched because I was ashamed, Aniki. I was ashamed of w-what I had become a-and I felt so... I still do... wrong and y-you're right—"

"Shut up," Naruto rasped.

I fell silent, ignoring the way Naruto was biting hard on his bottom lip and there was an unnatural shine in his eyes. "Shut the hell up, you idiot. What are you talking about? I don't care. I don't give a damn what you think you are, because I know who you are. You're my sister, and I love you. I know, I know how much you wanted to have children. I've seen how you are with them, and you even told Jiraiya about it. I know this hurts you deeply, and I know you're upset, but don't you dare be upset over me. Don't you dare think for a moment my opinion of you would change just because you can't PMS like a bitch."

I gave a strangled laugh at that, mostly just because I needed to laugh then.

"I don't care," Naruto went on, his voice shaky. "I don't care, understand? You're my sister. You're my sister and I love you. And don't you even think for a moment that I would choose Shikamaru and Asuma over you, don't you think for a moment that I would choose anyone over you. If it's a choice between you and them, you damn straight better choose yourself and you sure as fucking hell come back home to me, alright?"

I nodded, even if I didn't quite mean it.

Naruto closed his eyes, and I used my sleeve to wipe away his own display of emotions. He gave a snort, resting his forehead on my shoulder and I wrapped him in my arms.

"I'm sorry I worried you, Aniki," I whispered.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there, Imouto," He replied.

And as we sat there in the darkness, no longer speaking, I felt this emotion swirl inside of me.

This resentment.

This loathing.

This hatred.

I couldn't - didn't - draw upon Kurama's chakra because I was so terrified of hurting Konoha in the process. Of hurting the village that I still couldn't stand. In the process, I lost something so precious to me and I worried one of the few people that loved me.

Why?

Why?

Was I supposed to continue to do that? To continue to sacrifice more of myself for the sake of this place?

It sparked.

This warm, burning feeling, in the pit of my stomach.

It was there for such a long time, but I had thought I had repressed it.

I was wrong.

It couldn't be taken away from me.

Not so easily, at least.

This...

... hatred.

('･ω･')

This story isn't a tragedy, but it is about someone going through trauma and healing.

Albeit with the flair of an angry hurt teenage drama queen since I was an angry hurt teenager when I wrote this. :)

If this was too much for you, feel no shame or guilt in stopping. I understand the need to read easier stuff, and I don't want you to feel bad in doing so.

All the love to my darling readers. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧