Yoongi was having a quiet dinner with his family after a tiring evening shift. He pushed his food around the plate, taking small bites every now and then. His hands moved robotically and he chewed his food in silence. Food was tasteless when he felt this hopeless and every swallow was painful. But Jin always put so much love in each dish that he didn't want to waste it and risk hurting his hyung's feelings.

Namjoon was absent-mindedly running his hands through his husband's pinkish-blond hair. He and Jin were looking through online reviews of local preschool programs for Bora since her third birthday was coming up. Luckily this kept them preoccupied enough so that they didn't notice or comment on Yoongi's behavior.

Jungkook stood at the sink, washing the dishes when he got a text. His eyes became round as circles [this boy always shook istg] and he suddenly left, wandering out into the front of the restaurant. 

He returned with Hoseok following closely.

"Hoseokie!," Jin beamed upon seeing him, "I'll make another plate. Yoongi didn't mention he invited you!"

"He didn't," Hoseok replied quietly, looking into Yoongi's eyes from across the room.

Jin shot a poisonous glance at the black-haired boy, "And why NOT?" [he ships them almost as hard as i do]

"Jin." Namjoon interrupted, trying to diffuse the situation.

"Can I talk to you?" Hoseok continued to look at Min Yoongi as if he were the only person in the room. The only other person on the planet.

"Yeah... C'mon."

Yoongi stood, feeling the eyes of everyone in the kitchen. He cursed the flush that rapidly rose in his face and quickened his steps to get the hell away from the attention.

He led Hoseok back through the swinging doors out into the dining area. Hoseok sat at one of the tables and Yoongi hesitated before opting to sit across from him.

"Yoongi," Hoseok began, rising up again and crossing to sit next to him instead. "Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not, Hobi," Yoongi looked down at the table setting, fidgeting with a stray flower petal that had fallen onto the tablecloth.

"Yes, you are. I can tell..." he tilted his head down trying to make eye contact with the older.

"How the hell would you know?" Yoongi snapped, ripping the petal. "We've only known each other for a month!"

He froze, immediately regretting his choice of words. But when he looked over, Hoseok just wore a tired smile and answered his gaze with understanding eyes.

"I'm sorry," Yoongi whispered.

"It's okay. What's going on, Yoongi? You can tell me."

"I feel like I can't. Or I shouldn't. You're always so positive, and you make me so happy when I spend time with you. I don't want to spoil anything."

"Baby - and I'm not trying to guilt you or anything - but which makes more sense to you: telling me what's bothering you and potentially making me sad and worried OR  cutting off communication and actually making me sad and worried?"

They were interrupted by Jin, clearing his throat to announce his presence in the doorway to the kitchen. "Yoongi, I'm sorry, but we need to close up a little early tonight. The baby's getting fussy. Do you want us to give you two a ride home?"

Hoseok chimed in, "Yes. Thank you, Mr. Kim."

"Yah! - please, Jin or hyung is fine. I need to go help Joonie with Bora's coat. He broke the zipper on the last one. Be outside in 5 minutes, okay?"

Yoongi nodded, hoping Hoseok would drop the conversation so he could go home and retreat to his bed.

"I'm not teaching tomorrow and Tae is off doing something [a/n or someone 😏] tonight. Why don't you stay over so we can talk? Then I can walk you to work tomorrow for your morning shift." [a/n the vhope apartment is a comfortable walking distance from the restaurant]

It was definitely a break in routine, but Yoongi nodded in agreement. Though he was dreading where the talk could lead, he reasoned to himself that it'd be nice not to sleep alone when his thoughts were this dark.

-🕰 one car ride later 🕰-

After a silent car ride and saying thank you and goodbye to his hyungs, Yoongi placed a soft peck on the forehead of his sleeping niece and followed his boyfriend up to his apartment.

They walked into Hoseok's room and the younger passed him the pajamas that he'd claimed after the first night he stayed over. They both changed into comfy bed clothes and settled under the blankets, Hoseok pressing soft kisses onto the older's neck. "Talk to me, Yoongi. What's going on?"

Yoongi hesitated, grappling with the urge to change the subject, but ultimately giving up as there was no way to subtly do so. "You've seen one of my panic attacks. Some days when I wake up... it's like that... but even worse. Today was like that. When it happens, the easiest way for me to get away is to just try to go back to sleep. So that's what I did."

He was down-playing it by a lot of course, but he wasn't sure how to explain the darkness and physical obstacles caused by his depression - it was like translating a phrase for which there was no equivalent expression. [a/n even yoongles' thoughts be rhymin... me waiting for the next cypher like: 😩😩😩🤧]

"You could have called me. I could have come over. You--"

"No, babe. I couldn't. I physically couldn't. You may not understand, but I wasn't me" he paused considering how often his depression took over... maybe at this point that was him and his happy times were the outlier. "I mean, I was me, but I wasn't in control."

Yoongi turned to look at Hoseok in the eyes, watching him struggle to understand before blurting, "Look... Hobi I'm depressed. Not in a hyperbolic way. Not in an 'ugh my week sucked' sort of way. Like actual diagnosed, hourly-struggle depression."

He could feel a rant coming on, but trudged along anyway, "I know. You're thinking, 'why aren't you on medication', right? I've been on loads of different stuff in the past. Turns out I have an SSRI intolerance [a/n intolerance to serotonin reuptake inhibitors, aka most common antidepressants] and anti-anxiety meds make me constantly nauseous and cause vertigo... My own fucking body doesn't want me to get better. How can I argue with that? Some days, I feel like I'm waking up on a battlefield. Me against my illness. Most times, I just get my ass kicked. I mean, I survive. But I've never truly won."

He could already feel the hot tears spilling down his cheeks, but Hoseok was on it - pulling him ever closer and kissing them away. He continued on in more of a mumble, "I'm so sorry for avoiding you and making you upset with me. I just... I couldn't let you see that side of me."

Hoseok gave him a squeeze and a small smile.

"I'm not upset with you, Yoongi. I was worried about you. And, I guess I did feel a little... inconvenienced, if that's the right word, because I wanted to talk to you today. Yoongi... You don't have to hide that from me. You don't have to be afraid of what I'll think."

Hoseok paused to give the older what he hoped was a reassuring kiss.

The younger continued, "And maybe it'll be hard to talk to me about it, and I won't push you to do so when you're not feeling able. But... you don't have to hide in order to avoid me seeing any side of you. I want you. All of of you. Even the parts you don't like. The parts you're scared of." He paused again lifting his boyfriend's chin to meet his own eyes, which were now also tearing up.

"I love you, Yoongi."

The entire bottom of the world dropped from below Yoongi as he stared into his boyfriend's eyes. He knew that in some buried place he was doing embarrassing cartwheels, but pushing all of that aside was his ever-present fear.

"W-what?" he stammered.

Hoseok coughed, clearing his throat, and wiped his eyes, "I love you. I know this sounds stupid because it's so soon - but every time I kiss you I can taste my future. You're the only one that I want. I wanted you to know as soon as I did, but I kinda chickened out... You don't have to say it back if you don't feel it yet." he closed his eyes and touched their foreheads together. "Your pace."

Yoongi opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. The words... they were there, but his own anxiety was holding them hostage. He gave a shaky inhale before the frustrated tears blurred his vision.

"Don't cry, hyung!" Hoseok soothed, pulling him into a hug and slightly rocking him. "This wasn't supposed to make you cry... Let's just cuddle and go to sleep, yeah? It's late."

Yoongi couldn't help but continue to silently cry as he waited for sleep. The familiar weight of guilt dragged his heart lower in his chest. How could Hoseok love him? How could he be so caring and understanding at his behavior... and this unhelpful response?

And why wouldn't the words come out of his own mouth?