I stand outside the Bennah's house, nerves in my gut, hands fiddling with the collar of my shirt and straightening it for the hundredth time that day. I still can't believe I'm doing this. But I'm doing it.

I haven't seen Bailey's parents since her funeral. We didn't speak to each other much even there. I barely spoke to anyone that day. I was too much of a mess to even properly do my speech, let alone talk to people afterwards. I couldn't get myself to eat at the wake because I felt sick, so I used that as an excuse and hid in the bathroom for the next two hours. And then I had my first panic attack. Addie found me rocking on the floor, and got me out the back door into a taxi.

The next day, I moved in with him, and I lived with him on and off for the next four months. If I wanted to, I could turn up at his right now with a packed bag, and he would ask no questions. I would be welcomed with open arms and allowed to stay for as long as needed.

Despite this, I still don't have it in me to forgive Addie- or any of the others. For what exactly, I'm not sure. I've been dodging calls from everyone the past three days. I need to figure out my brain before I can talk to my friends or family again. Right now I can't face them- whether this is fair or not, I can't get past the realisation that they could all be lying to me. I don't know how or why. I don't know where the idea came from. But it's taken root and I need to disprove it before I can move on.

Starting with this. Talking to Bailey's parents and figuring out some stuff about our relationship. I know it was real, and I know she was real. I've figured that much out by myself, over the past three days. And I've sorted out my head a little. But I'm still aching all over.

I haven't touched the ashes on my bedroom floor, but have just left them there, stepping over or around them when I'm in there. I haven't figured out how to collect them back up, and I can't just hoover them up and lose them. So they sit there while I find my answers. It's not like they can go anywhere. I've changed the locks so Mum can't get in and do anything. About time I did that, considering my age. I raise my hand, and I knock.

Somewhere inside, a dog barks. They must have gotten one since Bailey died. She always prefered cats.

And then the door swings open, and I'm face to face with Bailey's mother. She stands in shock for a moment, eyes wide and mouth frozen mid-sentence.

"Alex?"

In response I raise my hand in an awkward wave before bringing it round to rub the back of my neck, cheeks flushed- and not from the strong breeze that has succeeded in messing up my hair.

"It's me. I... I came to see you guys."

She nods, not speaking, then turns on her heel and rushes back inside, the door shutting behind her with a loud bang. Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't that. I stand there for another five minutes, staring at the door knocker and considering if I should knock again. I'm just about to leave when the door flies open again, and it's Bailey's mother again.

"Alex! It's so good to see you again!" She rushes forward, throwing her arms around me and rocking from side to side, taking me with her in the awkward embrace. Awkward from my end, anyway. She's beaming like someone just gave her the world.

"How have you been? Why didn't you call? We've been wanting to see you! But we figured you needed some space. Sorry about just now! I was so shocked and excited, I went back inside to tell Brad and forgot to invite you in! Honestly, my brain is like a sieve sometimes..."

And on and on. She doesn't stop chatting as she leads me through to the dining room, where Bailey's father and two sisters are sat eating. One chair is empty, but a half-eaten plate of food sits in front of it. I must have interrupted their dinner. I never eat at ordinary times anymore, and sometimes I just don't eat, so I often forget when others might be eating. Not that it's usual for me to visit anyone.

"Oh- have I interrupted your meal? I can come back another time if this isn't convenient..."

"No, no! It's fine! We're so happy to see you again! Come and sit with us. Would you like some lasagne? I'll go get you some."

She rushes off to get me a plate before I even have the chance to reply, leaving me to stand awkwardly. The others don't look happy to see me. Brad smiled at me when I first came in, but since then he's just been staring at his food, letting it consume all of his concentration. Sophie- Bailey's youngest sister- is shovelling food into her mouth, humming to herself in between mouthfuls. Darcy is sat completely still, staring unseeing at the wall. They don't seem necessarily unhappy that I'm here. But they're not exactly bouncing off the walls. Not that I'd expect them to.

I disappeared out of their lives for six months- what can I expect? I dropped contact at the one time they needed me. The one time that I needed them. Of all the people in this world, only the Bennahs could fully understand what I was going through, and I chose to not be around them.

I know why, though. I did need space. But there's a difference between taking some space, and shutting the world out. Looking at the girls now- I can see so much of Bailey in all of them. It reminds me again of why I was reluctant to come here, but it's too late to back out now, and I can't hide forever.

Lou has her eyes and her smile. Sophie has her laugh. Darcy- Darcy is the spit image of Bailey, just a little younger. Except for one difference- their eyes. Bailey had clear blue eyes, and Darcy is blind, so her eyes are clouded, often closed. How she gets around so easily is beyond me, but she does. I close my eyes and try to centre myself before my emotions spiral. I could feel them slipping slightly, but that can't happen today- at least not while I'm here.

Lou reappears, a plate of food balanced on one hand and the other haphazardly carrying a chair. When she sees me standing up she shakes her head and sets down the chair, ushering me into it before placing the plate and some cutlery in front of me.

"There. Now the family is all sitting together properly, let's catch up, shall we?" She settles beside me, oblivious to the shell-shock I'm feeling from the family bomb.

I'm family to her? Do the rest of them feel that way? It would explain the other threes' cool response to my arrival. Like they knew I'd come around eventually, because that's what family does. I'm not as good as I used to be at being part of a family. I don't think I've seen either of my brothers since... I shut down my thoughts and try to focus on the conversation that started up around me.

"Can you pass the salad, please?"

"How was school earlier, Sophie?"

"Here you go."

"It was good, thank you. We did lots of art!"

"Ah thanks! Darcy, honey, do you want me to cut that for you?"

"That sounds fun, Sophie. What did you draw?"

"I'm okay, mum."

"I painted a rainbow! And lots of unicorns and pots of gold at the ends of it. And a leprechaun dancing!"

I smile down at my plate, taking my first forkful of lasagne. It's good- really good. Way better than anything I've had for a long while.

"Very nice, dear!"

"Are you going to bring it home and show us?"

"Miss Hibb put it up on the classroom wall, but I'll bring it home when I can! Then Alex can see it too!"

I look up at the sound of my name, putting my fork down leant against my plate so I don't ruin the tablecloth. I look at Sophie, bright-eyed and smiling, and I feel sadness gather in my gut like storm clouds. But also happiness, at being here. At finally conquering my terror and seeing Bailey's family again. I need to make the most of it.

I clear my throat. "I'd like that." The words are out of my mouth before I even register thinking them, and then Sophie's smiling even wider. And this time her smile is focused on me. And it feels like the sun has finally broken through the clouds above my head, dousing me in it's warm rays of smiling joy. I haven't felt that since Bailey's smiles. I picture her face, if she could see me now. Sat around the table with her family, fitting in and making her sister smile, even without her there. And it makes me smile too.

"How old are you now then, Sophie? You must be... what? Five by now?" She giggles and it encourages me to press on. "Four? Is that it? So old!" I gasp theatrically while she collapses onto the tabletop in fits of laughter. I find myself joining in.

"I'm much older than that, silly! I'm nine!"

"No? Really? Never! You're getting so big now!" She giggles again, and I take another forkful of lasagne, feeling hunger gnawing at the edges of my stomach for the first time in seemingly forever. Usually I have to force myself to eat.

Lou is watching me with dancing eyes, cheeks slightly flushed with excitement. Her and Brad have their hands joined across the table.

"How old would young Darcy be now then? You must be what... nearly eighteen?" If she didn't have her eyes closed, she would have rolled her eyes.

"You know my age perfectly well, Alex. If I was eighteen, what would that make you? Ancient, certainly. Be careful you don't drop dead." She tilts her head slightly, a cheeky smile playing across her lips. Darcy always had a wack sense of humour.

It should be a tentative subject. And a tentative word. But I just find myself laughing, and so are Lou and Brad, and so is Sophie. When Lou asks who wants seconds, I take some, thanking her profusely of course.

I stay all evening, and we play charades. I fail terribly, but it doesn't matter, because I feel so happy. I eventually reluctantly leave, but with a smile on my face, and leaving behind my promise to come back and see them again soon.

I pick my feet up from the pavement on the way home, humming softly to myself the tune Sophie kept singing. It sounded better when she sang it, but I don't mind.

I didn't realise that I never actually did what I meant to do at the Bennahs until I was in bed that night. I never asked about Bailey, checked in on reality, and got answers to my questions. But that can wait, because I'm going back. In some bizarre way, I think I got better answers today than my questions ever could.