12. Returning Home
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I TOOK ANOTHER DEEP BREATH, forcing myself to knock. The sound echoed through the small house, and after a moment, I heard footsteps approaching. The door creaked open, and there she was—my sister—looking even thinner and paler than I remembered. Twinkling in her eyes, however, was that same determined spark of life.
"Theo!" Her voice was blended with surprise and relief. She flung herself at me, wrapping her frail arms around me in a tight embrace. I felt the weight of the past years melt away as I held her close.
My voice cracked as I whispered her name. "I've missed you so much."
She pulled back, her eyes scanning my face with concern. "Where have you been? What happened to you?"
I hesitated, the words caught in my throat. How could I explain? How could I tell her about the brothel, and Lord Mercer? What about the twisted relationship I found myself trapped in? It was hard enough hiding it from her when I worked at The Parlour but I suppose I had become even more of a coward than I was back then.
At least I knew what I felt when I was nothing but a whore but now I had become someone else entirely. Something even I didn't know what to make of. I had these twisted, mixed up feelings inside of me and wanted so badly to confide in her, for her to help unravel the binds that held me. But I couldn't. Not at the thought of losing the bright warmth that enveloped me when she looked at me with such love in her eyes. It was too much to bear.
"It's... a long story," I said finally, offering a weak smile as I chose again to hide my demons from her. "But I'm here now."
She nodded, sensing the turmoil within me, and took my hand. "Come inside. Thomas is out running errands, but he'll be back soon. We can talk, and you can tell me everything."
I followed her into the house, the familiar surroundings filling me with a bittersweet nostalgia. Everything looked smaller than I remembered, but it still felt like home. As I sat down at the small kitchen table, I couldn't help but glance back at the door, half expecting Lord Mercer to be standing there in the doorway, watching me with those cold, calculating eyes.
Mary sat across from me, her gaze unwavering. "Theo, you look... different. What happened to you?"
I took a deep breath, steeling myself. "I've been through a lot, Mary. More than I can explain right now. But I'm safe, and I'm here to see you."
She reached across the table, taking my hand in hers. "That's all that matters, Theo. You're home now."
Her words should have been comforting, but they only deepened the ache in my chest. Home. The word felt foreign, like something I no longer deserved to have. How could I tell her that even as I sat here, in the place that should have been my sanctuary, a part of me still craved the touch of a man who had done nothing but mock and hurt me?
I forced a smile, squeezing her hand. "Yes, Mary. I'm home."
As we sat there, talking about everything and nothing, I couldn't shake the feeling of Lord Mercer's presence lingering over me. The suit he'd ordered me, the tart he'd given me, the visit he'd granted me—each gesture had chipped away at my defences, leaving me more confused and vulnerable than I'd ever felt before.
It was a worse vulnerability than when I first stood bare in front of the Abbess as she inspected my body from top to bottom. Even worse still than the time he paraded me around at his party, showing me off to all of his guests. Back then, I still had my castle—my internal fort—to hide behind but now that castle had turned to glass and Lord Mercer, I feared, could see right through it.
And as the minutes ticked by, I knew that this hour of reprieve would end all too soon, and I would be drawn back into the web of control that Lord Mercer had spun around me. There was no escape for the fly, the only sanctuary was waiting to be devoured whole. For it all to end. But for now, I allowed myself to bask in the warmth of my sister's gaze, holding onto the fleeting hope that perhaps, somehow, things really could change.
We spoke for some time as I danced around my sister's prying questions. She only wanted to know I was well but my confirmation was not enough. I was her precious little brother and even now she still thought of me as her ward. But I was a man now and a shameless one at that. How could I ever tell her the truth?
"Theo," she spoke so softly, her words piercing through my heart. No one had ever spoken to me with as much care as she did and of all the people in the world, I was the least deserving of her love. "Please, brother. I only want to know how you have been living and that you are well."
I drew in a heavy breath, knowing that she too could see through my once impenetrable fortress. There was no hiding the darkness within me, not anymore, but still I could not find the words to speak.
With a creak of old, damp wood, the door opened and a pair of boots pattered their way into the home and there he was, the man I once believed to be the love of my life.
"Theo?" His voice was as deep as the ocean, laced with a tenderness that melted the years between us. The sound wrapped around me in waves of a warm embrace, washing up memories of a youth I'd once thought long forgotten. I turned, my heart quickening as if every unspoken word of longing was carried on the gentle breeze, bringing with it the bittersweet ache of a love long lost but never forgotten.
"Thomas," I replied behind a mask of smiles. In the time since I had last seen him, his hair had grown longer, curling handsomely at the ends. His heart-shaped face was slimmer and more angular but still just as kind. He was radiant with a peppering of light orange freckles across his nose and cheeks.
His chocolate eyes widened, "You're here, you're really here. Are you well? Where have you been?"
Seeing him hurt more than I thought it would. The last time we saw one another was before my arrest and in all the years since, he had only grown more beautiful. The pang of my unrequited love was still fresh despite the years. He had always loved Mary, and though I understood, it didn't ease the ache of knowing my feelings were never mutual.
A part of me still loved him, a lingering echo of the past. But now, as I stood in the same room with him, I realised that my feelings for Thomas were different. They were simple and pure, rooted in the innocence of our shared past. My feelings for Lord Mercer, however, were far more complex and confusing.
Lord Mercer should have been the man I despised, the one I loathed with every fibre of my being. He had taken everything from me, twisting me into something unrecognisable. Yet, despite all the pain he had caused, there was something about him that stirred emotions within me far stronger than anything I had felt for Thomas. The moments of unexpected tenderness, the rare glimpses of humanity beneath his cold exterior, left me questioning my own heart and sanity.
Was it all a ploy to capture my soul or was there something about me—about us—that drew out the light within him? Or was I simply just imagining it all?
"Theo," Thomas said, breaking me from my reverie. He stepped closer, his eyes swirling with concerned curiosity. "Where have you been? We've missed you."
I forced a smile against the weight of the secrets that pressed down on me. "I've been... away. It's a long story, Thomas."
He nodded, accepting my vague explanation for now. "Well, you're here now, and that's what matters."
As we settled into the familiar rhythm of conversation, the past seemed to blend with the present and for a moment, I felt as though I were a boy again. Back at home with the two people who mattered most. Yet, beneath the surface, my mind was a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and emotions. How could I reconcile the boy who loved Thomas with the man who felt an inexplicable pull towards Lord Mercer?
Every glance at Thomas reminded me of what could have been, but every thought of Lord Mercer made my heart race with a dangerous intensity. I was caught between the innocent love of my past and the dark, consuming passion of my present. And as I sat there, surrounded by the warmth of my old home, I knew that the battle within me was far from over.
When the time I had to share with my family came to its end, I felt a sense of dread wash over me. The illusion of my past was over and I was drawn back into my trepid present, where I would soon return to the man who had so thoroughly entangled my heart and mind. I hugged my sister, feeling her bony and frail form in my arms yet again.
I was so afraid. Of what was to come, of losing her. Afraid most of all that this may be the last time I'll ever get to see her. I stepped outside and cast one last glance at my family as they waved me goodbye.
"Theo," Mary called softly after me with tears pricking her eyes, "take care of yourself."
I nodded, unable to find the words to reassure her. They just had to trust in me and hope that I would be well just as I could only do the same for them. Hope, at the end of the day, is the only thing any of us can truly hold on to, no matter how foolish we are for doing so.
As I walked back towards the carriage, I felt the weight of Lord Mercer's gaze even before I saw him. He stood by the door, his expression as unreadable as ever. I wondered for how long had he been waiting for me? How long had his shadow been looming over my sister's home?
"Did you have a good visit?" he asked, his voice carrying a hint of something I couldn't quite place.
"Yes," I replied, my voice steady despite the turmoil within me. "Thank you, my lord."
He nodded, his eyes lingering on me for a moment longer before he turned to climb into the carriage. As I followed him, the door closing behind us, I couldn't help but wonder how much longer I could endure this twisted game of his. My heart was torn between two worlds, and I feared that in the end, I might belong to neither.
The carriage ride was silent, the tension between us thick and suffocating. I could feel Lord Mercer's eyes on me, scrutinising every move, every breath. It was as though he were trying to uncover what secrets I may be hiding from him, as if I had been plotting against him in our time apart. His presence was a constant reminder of the control he wielded over me, a control I both loathed and, in some twisted way, found comfort in. My thoughts drifted back to Thomas and Mary, the simplicity of their love, the purity of their concern. It was a stark contrast to the twisting shadows I found myself caught in with Lord Mercer.
"Your sister," he asked in a way which sounded almost as though he actually cared, "Is she well?"
"No," I replied with a heavy heart and turned my head to glance back out at the streets through the carriage window, "I... I think she's getting worse."
I didn't dare look back at him, too conscious of how vulnerable I was when speaking of my sister's illness. The last thing I wanted to give him was the opportunity to see the truly broken man that cowered behind my eyes.
His voice was deep and finite, bringing with it a strange kind of comfort that settled into my skin, warming me inside. "I'm sorry."
It was silent again then as the carriage rolled along against the old, cobblestone streets. I focused still on the outside world as it passed us by, watching as the sky wept down upon it all.
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What did you think of this chapter?
Will Theo ever confide in his beloved sister or will he take his secrets to his grave?
Will he ever escape Lord Mercer? Does he even want to?
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