"Shut up, dishwasher. You're irrelevant. Now go back to the kitchen where you belong."
(@Rad_Lez-LIE)

"Devin, turtles can not be Asian."

"I am...CAPTAIN ORANGE!!"

"He left me for some skinny white bįtch with herpes."

"Having three adult vitamin gummies isn't overdosing, Maria. Having four is overdosing."

"I wish they still put cocaine in Coca-Cola."

Girl 1: "Any advice for my gynecologist appointment tomorrow?"
Girl 2: "Don't moan when they give you the Pap smear. It makes them very uncomfortable."
Girl 3: "Did that happen to you, Rachael? I mean, why would you tell us that?"

"If you can't make fry sauce properly, you are not allowed to say that you're from Utah."

"The sub in French looks like one of those old guys from the Viagra commercials."

"I'm the blackest white guy."