55. Decision
A.N// welcome to 2017! an entire explanation to my disappearance will be at the end so if you've been wondering why i went missing, read the ending author's note..everything will be explained there. before we get started, i just wanted to apologize for not updating for so long and i hope you enjoy this at least. read on
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Kate's POV
It seemed like the more time that passed, the more and more comfortable Luke became. Normally, he would show a little bit more confidence whenever we'd do something that could be categorized in the least bit of intimate, but right now, he appeared to be way more timid.
Every move he made felt way too calculated when it was usually very free spirited.
Of course I didn't mind too much because today was actually the first time I'd allowed him to touch me in a while so it was bound to be at least a little awkward. Neither of us made any effort to stop, but on the other hand, we didn't make any moves to progress our positions further.
Most of the time, Luke's hand would roam free, going wherever they pleased or wherever he saw fit, and that was one of my favorite things. Now, he just had one rested on my cheek and the other settled on my waist. His body wasn't even flush against mine. He seemed to be using whatever strength he had in his thighs to hover just above me.
The kiss was also pretty gentle, and that was something to be expected because that's how it always was after a fight, but he would've become a little bit more dominant with it by now.
All of these different factors confused me, but I tried not to dwell on it too much as I wanted to just act in the moment and not on past or future occurrences. Trying to apply that to my currents thoughts, my hands that I had just rested by my sides, as I wasn't sure what to do with them, traveled from his waist up to his back and I grabbed fistfuls of his shirt.
It apparently had a good effect because Luke, in turn, moved is hand that was on my waist to my upper thigh before wrapping my leg around his waist, pressing his body completely against mine. He even slipped his tongue, past my involuntarily parted lips, to take more control of the kiss.
My hormones had become immune to our current position, remaining pretty stable the entire time except for the initial contact. I felt the butterflies and the warmness spreading throughout my body at first, but the longer we stayed like this, the faster it died out. I couldn't help but feel like I needed something to happen to spark that flame again, but I didn't exactly know what.
I obviously wasn't going to have sex with him because quite frankly, there was still some distrust for him left, and I didn't know how I was going to get rid of it. Maybe the more I interacted with him after his revelation, I would realize that he's still the same Luke I fell in love with. The only thing different was that he went behind my back while I trusted him with something valuable and important to me.
I guess it sounded worse than intended, but it was a better plan in my head. I really wanted to find a way to forgive Luke completely because no matter if I wanted to be or not, I was so in love with him, and there was virtually nothing I could do about it at this point.
I moved my hand once again from his back up to cup both of his cheeks, bringing him that much closer to me if it was even possible. They then moved again to the nape of his neck, resting there to gently play with the hair, that'd grown out quite a bit since the last time we were in a predicament similar to this one, there.
After a few moments, I finally tangled my hands in his hair and tugged on the roots a little, eliciting very raspy groan from Luke. It sounded like he was trying his best to hold it in, but it probably came out against is will. That was what I was looking for because it lit my insides on fire, making me melt right under him.
He wrapped my other leg around his waist, and I squeezed them tighter to have his lower half completely pressed against mine. Luke hummed against my mouth, and I could feel the control I had over my hormones and actions start to slip from my fingers. I became breathless, so much so that I had to come up from the kiss to get some air.
Luke didn't stop though, which was to be expected. He just picked another place to kiss me instead.
His lips traveled across my jaw and down my neck before stopping to concentrate on my collar bone. He stayed there for a while, not stopping to focus on one particular spot but giving attention to every section of my now flushed skin. I sighed in appreciation, and he stopped to bring his face level with mine.
Our eyes locked, his bright blue ones sending chills down my spine. Then he suddenly pulled away, leaving my face holding a confused expression. He noticed and quickly pressed a short kiss to my lips to reassure me before pulling away again, but this time completely.
"What's wrong?" I asked, concern filling my voice. He looked away and shook his head before responding.
"Nothing, why?" he said, getting off of me so I can sit up. He ran a hand through his hair before resting them both in his lap, laying his head against the back of the couch. He looked absolutely exhausted, and not just from what we were doing but in general. I guess I could be blamed for that.
"I was just wondering why you stopped all of a sudden," I inquired. It was something that'd bugged me as soon as it happened, but I wasn't ultimately sure if I wanted to bring it up or not. It may have made me seem crazy, and I wasn't really looking for that kind of reaction.
"Oh," he sighed, opening his eyes and facing me. "I just thought it was an appropriate time to stop, I guess. We just got back on speaking terms, and I didn't want to take it too far, not yet at least," he explained.
I nodded in understanding and he reached his hand out for me to take. I cooperated and followed suit, and Luke used that as an opportunity to pull me onto his lap, making me straddle him. The burn that was dying down was starting to come back from such a simple gesture, and I embarrassingly hiding my face in his chest.
Luke knew me, and he knew me a little bit too well. He could read me like a book, and he could tell just how I was feeling all from my face, my eyes alone if he tried. Even if I made it hard for him, he used my body language. It was almost like he knew me better than I knew me. He just kind of knew.
"Alright," I managed to squeak out. It was muffled because of my face that I was hiding in his chest. He laughed and used is pointer finger to lift my chin up so I could look at him. Even when we were finally face to face, my eyes drifted away from his, not being able to look at him directly.
"I love you," he confessed softly. I felt his words right in my heart because it nearly exploded. Luke always said it, so there was no doubt in what he was telling me. He made sure that I knew he loved me and that I was never unsure of his love for me.
I don't know what it was about eye contact that made it feel so intimate to me, but sometimes, I just couldn't bring myself to make it.
Even though I was used to the three simple words, I wasn't really used to them. They still sent that subtle wave of electricity throughout my body, a burn in the pit of my stomach that was unexplainable.
"Mhm," was all I could muster. I was afraid that if I said anything more, I would either cry because my emotions were overwhelming me, or I would do something without thinking it through first.
"Look at me," Luke instructed softly. Reluctantly, I obliged, and when I finally looked at him, the laziest smile was covering his face. I was oblivious to what it could've meant or what it was directed towards, but it was one of the cutest things I'd ever witnessed.
My face sort of resembled one of thoughtfulness, my eyebrows subtly scrunched together and my lips slightly parted. Luke brought my face just a little bit closer to his and kissed me softly, his lips barely brushing mine. It was enough to have me hooked and wanting more, and he knew exactly what he was doing.
My hands were naturally rested on his shoulders, and he'd finally moved his finger from under my chin to interlock his hands behind my back. There was definite shift in energy in the room, but I couldn't quite depict what it went to.
I had an incredibly tempting urge to just take it all the way, but my rational side disagreed. I decided to listen to that part, but it was becoming increasingly harder the longer I sat in his lap. I had to think about everything I was doing and everything stopping me from doing just that so I wouldn't make any mistakes.
If I were to shut my brain off and go based on feelings and current emotions, it would be all over. That plan would've been scrapped, and I would've let my body take full control. It was something I wasn't sure if I was ready to let happen.
Catching me off guard, he leaned forward and kissed me again, this time pulling my bottom lip between his teeth and gently tugging on it. A very quiet whine escaped from my mouth, and Luke took that as his cue to slide his tongue in and start making out with me for the second time today.
It was very slow, but sensual at the same time. His grip on my waist tightened, and after a few minutes, he pulled away again. He was teasing me and doing a very good job at it.
Within seconds his lips were attached to my neck, and I was trying so hard to be quiet. Even though there was no one in the house but us, I couldn't help but feel like this was wrong. I just so happened to push that thought all the way to the back of my mind instead of dwelling on it though.
I was still unsure if I wanted this to happen at the same time. I was greatly contradicting myself.
When he sucked on one spot for just a second too long is when I finally couldn't hold it in any longer. "Luke," I called out as he covered my jaw line with small kisses. Any other word seemed to get caught in my throat, and the only thing I could think about in this moment was him.
His lips traveled to the end of my jaw bone to right behind my ear, and he stopped for a moment to ask me a question.
"Do you think we're making the right decision?" he whispered in a sultry voice. I couldn't even begin to process his words. The tone he was using alone was enough to have me more frustrated than I've been in a long time.
He seemed a lot more sure of himself now than he was before, and I don't know what finally clicked in his head that switched his behavior, but I liked it.
I'd just about made my decision, and I knew exactly what I wanted. Luke knew too, but he always made sure he had my consent first.
I rocked my hips against his a few times to let him know of my answer before I voiced it, and this caused him to throw his head back. His breathing became rapid, and I could see him losing the control he'd had over himself.
I slightly raised myself above his lap to bring my face to his, and he whimpered at the loss of stimulation to his crotch. Teasing him further, I kissed the corners of his mouth instead of giving him what he wanted. His hands dropped from being wrapped around me to his sides, some parts of his body becoming limp and others, stiff.
I cupped the left side of his face in my hand, and I brought my lips in front of his mouth so that they were directly hovering over it, only half of a centimeter away. Finally, I whispered, "Yes," and that seemed to be enough for him.
Luke gently forced my hips back down to return the contact, and he rose up slightly to meet our lips. He wasted no time in pushing his tongue through my lips, and I could tell he was already excited.
Before anything further could happen though, my doorbell rang, ceasing all of our actions.
Luke let out an annoyed groan as I climbed off his lap to go answer the door. I stopped to check my appearance in the mirror, and luckily, I wasn't heavily marked. There were only a few faint red spots, but I knew they would go away within the hour. I used my hair to cover them all for the time being.
Once I got to the front door, I unlocked it and pulled it open to reveal the person behind it. Of course it was none other than one of my best friends, Calum Hood. He had the biggest grin plastered across his face, something I found absolutely adorable.
Smiling was one of his ways to try and get others to cheer up, and it definitely worked most of the time. I was assuming he came here to check on me because after yesterday, I hadn't been in contact with anyone other than Luke. I was a hundred percent ready to go back into hiding.
I'd thought about texting one of the guys, but honestly, I just wanted to be alone. Then, Luke showed up and tried to fix is mistakes and for that I was grateful. It showed that he actually cared as much as he said he did.
Without another second thought, Calum pulled me into the most comforting hug ever. I relaxed in arms and just let him embrace me. The first few seconds he was just quiet, but then he sighed before asking me a question that no one seemed to care about the answer to.
"Merry Christmas! How are you feeling, Kate?" I thought about it for a moment, and the more I dwelled on the question, the more I started to realize that I felt a lot better since a week ago, even since yesterday.
"Merry Christmas. I'm better," I answered simply. That was the first time I could honestly say I didn't feel like absolute death. Most of my emotions from the week were just crying and crawling into a ball. All I wanted to do was sleep, and I didn't feel like talking ever again.
"Really? A lot or just a little bit?" he questioned. Calum pulled away from the hug slightly to gauge my facial expressions. He was also one that could tell exactly how I was feeling by my face. Of course it took him a little bit longer than Luke to figure it out, but he could still do it nonetheless.
"Um," I hesitated, trying to think of a way to put my emotions into words. I couldn't say that it was only a small amount, but I would also be lying if I said I felt a lot better.
Obviously there were still some unsaid words and more things that needed to be worked out because Luke and I hadn't exactly covered what we were going to do from here. At the moment, I was just going along with what was happening, and I planned to worry about the rest later.
"Um?" he pushed. I held up a finger to let him know that I was still thinking about the way I wanted to answer. After a minute, I got it.
"Just the right amount," I said. "I don't feel a lot better, but I don't only feel a little bit better. It's right in the middle." I explained. He nodded to let me know that he understood.
I moved out the way of the door so he could come in all the way. It was the polite thing to do.
If he wanted to come here to talk to me, I wasn't sure how that would work out considering Luke was here. Maybe we could all hang out for a while with light hearted conversations. I didn't want a single topic to get to heavy because it was Christmas, and I felt like everyone should be happy on this day.
"Is that food I smell?" Calum inquired. I nodded instead of answering because giggles forced their way through my lips. This made him smile too. He once told me that he would always be happy if I was. Apparently none of the guys could stand it when I was upset.
"Yeah, I made breakfast this morning." I led him toward the kitchen so he could get whatever was leftover from what Luke and I ate. On the way though, he noticed Luke sitting on the couch.
"Woah, hi Luke," he greeted, causing Luke to turn around. His face broke out into a smile at the sight of his best friend, and he stood up to enter our conversation.
"Hey mate, you having a good Christmas so far?" Luke asked. Calum nodded, and his eyes scanned my living room. After a few seconds, they stopped on one thing and widened.
"Wait, you got a guitar?" he questioned, turning to me. I shook my head.
"No, I got it for Luke," I clarified. The surprised look on his face was something someone should've taken a picture of because the expression was priceless.
I don't think anyone expected me to get Luke anything for Christmas because I was so upset, and our relationship was literally a few days away from ending by the time Christmas cam around. The thing about it was that I'd bought the gift way before we got in a fight. We were actually on really good terms and everything felt so right.
I couldn't help but feel like it was too good to be true at the time, which it ended up being.
The one I got him was a little expensive and that's the only reason my parents had to help me pay for it. I wasn't just going to take it back just because we were fighting.
Luke had been working so hard in regards to his music, along with Calum, Michael, and Ashton. They'd all deserved every opportunity that got, and I was rooting for them. I really wanted them to do something big because they were too talented to let it go to waste.
Buying new instruments was just another step, and I honestly thought Luke deserved one. He was so passionate about what he was doing, and I could tell it was so every time he'd play a note or open up his mouth to sing.
I wanted to help as much as possible.
"Wow, she must actually love you," Calum stated, voice awestricken. He left us and went to the middle of the room to interact with the instrument. He picked it up and played a few notes to a song that was unrecognizable to me at the moment.
Luke wrapped one of his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into him. Once I was close enough to him, I wrapped both my arms around his waist. He kissed the top of my head quickly before expressing, "I'm so lucky she still does," quietly. It wasn't even loud enough for Calum to hear it.
We just stood in the same position for at least five minutes while Calum messed around with the brand new guitar. He looked like he was enjoying himself, so I let him have his fun.
Once he was done, he stopped and turned to us. "So you guys are back?"
"For the most part," I answered. I know Luke and I hadn't exactly figured everything out, but we both knew this was bound to happen anyway. I loved him too much to let him go over something that someone else caused initially.
"Great," applauded, smiling widely. "So is the offer for food still open, or..?" I nodded and Luke laughed.
"Yeah, come on," I told Calum, and he followed me as we all made our way to the kitchen.
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A.N// that's all for now :-)
okay so the moment we've all been waiting for..this is why i disappeared for 7 centuries (if you care to know)
***basically, after i updated so quickly the last time i updated, i was so excited for the continuation of the story..i was about to start writing more but then there was school. i had a 32 in my ap chemistry class, and idk if any of you know but my grades are really important to me
also, being the current valedictorian of my class, i can't exactly maintain that spot if i'm failing a class, so i had to pull up my grade and i could only do that by putting all of my focus toward that class
then there was gymnastics, which i was missing a lot of bc of theater tech (my magnet field at school) i was missing practice to work shows for my grade and meet my magnet requirements so i don't get kicked out of my school
my coaches didn't really like that i was missing so much and neither did i really..i was regressing, losing so many skills from not practicing enough. it was so much so to the point that my coach didn't even promote me. he's making me do level 8 again this season (the same level i competed last season) i was crushed to say the least
then all the drama started to come along (not necessarily bad drama, but just a lot going on..so many different thoughts running through my head i could barely process it) so then i was trying to deal with all of that on top of my grades, gym, tech, and this book.
then one day, i never clicked on the wattpad app again..i knew it'd been a month since i'd updated and i thought maybe you guys already hated me so i just decided to take a break and fix whatever life i kind of had
i knew i couldn't write anything good if i was worried about all of this other stuff, and one of the thing i promised myself was to always post a quality chapter no matter how long it took to write. i felt like it was disrespectful of me to post something crappy for you guys to read just because that wasn't the standard i'd set for myself.
then one day when i had a little break from everything (almost 2 months later) i decided i wanted to write something so i sat down, and i think i got about 1,000 words..fast forward to my phone spazzing out and that got deleted..rip
i was ready to give up but then i logged on to wattpad on my computer and i saw i had 4M reads on my story
i was so surprised that people were still reading and possibly enjoying even after i fell off the face of the earth (i wasn't just lacking on wattpad, but i deleted twitter and i wasn't posting much anymore on snapchat: camisnotonsnap) i didn't think anyone would even like my story anymore after i hadn't posted for a while
i realized that you guys were still here..waiting for me
so i decided to suck it up and write something, and i hope it doesn't suck bc it sucks to suck :-(
anyway, that's why i left..i just had a lot going on and i'm sorry i didn't say anything but i couldn't help but feel like you guys would be disappointed and i didn't want that guilt weighing on me especially when i had other stuff going on
finally, i'm glad to be back and i'll update whenever i can
(side note: i hope i got straight a's this semester bc if i didn't i'm fighting all of my teachers..i've worked to hard this semester, like i literally killed my brain to keep my numeric average up, and if it didn't pay off i'm kms)***
alright so yeah, enough of that
it feels good to write again and i really hope i can be consistent with it again like i once was
i hope you guys enjoyed it bc idk for now, it was probably trash oops
good news: i might get instagram soon!! a lot of people have been asking me and i've put some thought into it so it's a definite maybe.. you can follow on snapchat for now if you want tho (camisnotonsnap)
i hope everyone had a good holidays and happy new year to you all, i hope 2017 is lit af
question: what's your favorite gift that you got??
>> my mom got me a dslr camera (eos canon rebel t6 + a 75-300mm lens) <<
i was so happy!! :-)
i love you guys and i'll talk to you soon! xx
- cam <3
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