Sex, God & Marriage _by Johann Christoph Arnold

Sex, God & Marriage

by

Johann Christoph Arnold

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Preface

Five years ago we published the first edition of Sex, God,

and Marriage. Since then readers have responded to it as to

no other Plough title. It seems the book has touched a tender

nerve. Some find its message out of sync with "reality."

Others say it unsettles them more than they would like to

admit. The vast majority have written to say how grateful

they are for the clear yet compassionate guidance it offers.

If the past is any indication, Sex, God, and Marriage will

continue to prompt many more responses and spark new

discussion. Granted, it is a book whose message few in our

present age care to hear. But for those who listen, it holds a

promise. A reader recently wrote to us to say, "All my past

relationships failed because they were built on sex, not God.

Sex, God, and Marriage has given me insight into how a true

relationship and marriage should be." May it do the same for

many more.

The Editors

April 2002

To my faithful wife, Verena,

without whose help this book would not have been possible.

Foreword

In Sex, God, and Marriage we find a message needed today in

every part of the world. To be pure, to remain pure, can only

come at a price, the price of knowing God and of loving him

enough to do his will. He will always give us the strength we

need to keep purity as something beautiful for God. Purity is

the fruit of prayer. If families pray together they will remain

in unity and purity, and love each other as God loves each

one of them. A pure heart is the carrier of God's love, and

where there is love, there is unity, joy, and peace.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

November 1995

Sex, God & Marriage Foreword

A Call to Purity

At a time when the Bruderhof often finds itself in the minority

on issues of marriage and sexuality, we have been encouraged

by the conviction and concern that many Catholics share

with us in these crucial matters. (Many dioceses use our

book Sex, God and Marriage in religious education classes,

for example.) The document below came out of discussions

that took place over several years with leaders in our local

archdiocese.

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York and

the Bruderhof believe that God has intervened in human

history-decisively-in the birth of his only son Jesus Christ,

in his life, teaching, crucifixion, and resurrection. We view

that intervention to be the pivot upon which human history

turns and the salvific moment of victory from darkness into

light. Jesus said, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no

one comes to the Father, but by me" (John 14:6). The Roman

Catholic Archdiocese of New York and the Bruderhof embrace

Jesus as the truth and seek to be guided by him.

vii

Sex, God & Marriage A CAL TO PURITY

Every one of us is created by God to exist for himself and

for others. "You shall love the Lord your God with all your

heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and

with all your strength," and "you shall love your neighbor

as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than

these" (Mark 12:30-31). In both of these commandments the

verb is love and the object is the other. God and neighbor.

We are born to love purely. Purity between people-in

marriage and in the single life-is God's will and brings joy.

Purity requires faithfulness and readiness for self-sacrifice:

"If anyone would be my follower, he must deny his very self,

take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whoever would

save his life will lose it; and whoever loses his life for my

sake will save it" (Luke 9:23-24).

Concerning marriage, Pope John Paul II wrote in his

Apostolic Letter on the Dignity and Vocation of Women: "man

and woman are called from the beginning not only to exist

'side by side' or 'together,' but they are also called to exist

mutually 'one for the other'...On the basis of the principle of

mutuality being 'for' the other in interpersonal 'communion,'

there develops in humanity itself, in accordance with God's

will, the integration of what is 'masculine' and 'feminine'"

(Mulieris Dignitatem, no. 7). When some Pharisees tested

Jesus about marriage by quoting Moses in regard to divorce,

Jesus answered: For your hardness of heart he wrote you this

commandment. But from the beginning of creation, 'God

made them male and female.' For this reason a man shall

viii

leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife,

and the two shall become one flesh. What therefore God has

joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:5-9).

Jesus said in the Beatitudes, "Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they shall see God" (Matthew 5:8). We understand that

to include both single-heartedness and sexual purity. Later

on in his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, "You have heard

that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say

to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has

already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew

5:27-28).

For everyone who follows Jesus in the Christian life,

sexuality is clearly defined for married and single persons

alike. It seems plain to us, though, that over the last halfcentury

purity is being undermined. Sin is a part of the human

condition, and we are all temptable and tempted. But in western

culture especially, lust is being given freer reign. Lust is too

often stimulated and exploited for material profit in much of

the mass media. Perversions - masturbation, homosexual

practice, pornography, premarital sexual intercourse, divorce

and remarriage-have become increasingly accepted. They are

openly championed and are often protected by civil law. One

fruit of this is a weakening of faithfulness in marriage. Studies

of school dropouts and juveniles who engage in criminal

acts frequently reveal the trauma suffered by the children of

broken marriages. With their sense of being undervalued and

their self-esteem weakened, many children lose their moral

ix

bearings. Another fruit is the increase in the horror of abortion,

the murder of innocent unborn children.

Self-will, self-fulfillment, self-gratification subtly undermine

self-sacrifice and concern for others. Sexual self-gratification

leads only to an ever-increasing desire for something

more exciting-a never-ending, constantly disappointing

quest, destined to end in disillusion and despair.

Confronting this decline in moral standards are Jesus'

words: "The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at

hand; repent and believe in the gospel" (Mark 1:15). The

gospel is Good News! We proclaim the gospel of life, the

good news of life: "I came that they might have life, and

have it abundantly" (John 10:10).

Jesus knows our temptations and gives us direction,

strength, and grace to overcome them. In a true marriage,

the unity of husband and wife reflect the unity of Christ

and his Church. Their mutual marriage vows are made in

the presence of Christ and his Church. Marriage is sacred,

and it is for life. Marriage has the blessing of God and the

Church and that blessing is experienced by the married

couple as mutual service, purity, beauty, and joy. Marriage

is both unitive and procreative. The two become one flesh

in the sight of God. With profound reverence, the couple

knows that in this act of supreme love and self-giving they

open themselves to becoming co-creators with God to

bring new life into the world. Each child born to them is

a blessed gift as well as a new responsibility. Through the

love of their parents, children get their first sense of the love

of God. Unqualified mutual dedication, under God, to the

permanence of marriage, enlivens their faith and stamina to

withstand any attack of weakness, sin, illness, or tragedy.

Any form of sexual self-gratification is an affront to the

purity of marriage, and with God's help must be overcome.

Sexual impurity infects and weakens the marriage

relationship whenever one of the couple or both use the other

as a sex object. Paul gives a clear guide for the Christian

and married life: "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,

patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and

self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23).

A very special gift is given to every man and woman who

is called to a life of celibacy in the service of God and his or

her fellow human beings. When circumstances, rather than

choice, lead to a single life, there is a special challenge to

witness to purity and service. Men and women in that position

need the understanding and support of all Christians.

Married couples often lose the ability to celebrate the truth

and inner meaning of human sexuality and marriage. Desire

for the alleged joys of radical self-expression and material

wealth tempt couples to embrace a contraceptive mentality

and lifestyle. In this new millennium, it is imperative that

leaders of the Christian community encourage believing

Christians to stand and affirm the virtue of purity. It is in

this spirit that the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York

and the brothers and sisters of the Bruderhof are working

together. In our common Christian heritage, we embrace each

xi

other with respect and shared love and a common concern

for a society darkened by the consequences of sin. Despite

the fact that certain doctrinal differences exist, our two faith

communities stand together in the name of the gospel to make

a joint plea to all people of good will to embrace the power

of purity, decency, and virtuous living in their sexuality.

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, purity,

modesty, and God's grace are integral to the Christian life. In

a section entitled "The Battle for Purity," the Church declares:

"Purity requires modesty, an integral part of temperance...

Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It

encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships;

it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and

commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled...

Christian purity requires a purification of the social climate. It

requires of the communications media that their presentations

show concern for respect and restraint...So-called moral

permissiveness rests on an erroneous conception of human

freedom; the necessary precondition for the development of

true freedom is to let oneself be educated in the moral law...

The Good News of Christ continually renews the life and

culture of fallen man; it combats and removes error and evil,

which flow from the ever-present attraction of sin. It never

ceases to purify and elevate the morality of peoples. It takes

the spiritual qualities and endowments of every age and nation,

and with supernatural riches it causes them to blossom, as it

xii

were from within; it fortifies, completes, and restores them in

Christ" (CCC, nos. 2520-2527).

In his book Sex, God and Marriage Johann Christoph Arnold

of the Bruderhof calls upon all people to embrace a pure life.

"More than ever, we need to come back to an understanding

of the church as a living body of committed members who

share life in practical deeds of love...We must show the world

that the unique teachings of Jesus and his apostles are the only

answer to the spirit of our time...Sadly, too many people today

have simply given up on the possibility of a pure life. They

have bought into the myth of sexual 'liberation' and tried to

live with its disappointments, and when their relationships

fall apart, they explain away their failures. They fail to see

what a tremendous gift purity is...Wherever there is a faithful

church-a community of people who are committed to living

in genuine and honest relationships-there is help and hope for

every person and every marriage" (Sex, God, and Marriage,

pp. xix-xx).

Our common Christian heritage and the desire to encourage

people of good will to live a life of purity brings together our

two communities of faith. The Roman Catholic Archdiocese

of New York and the Bruderhof exhort all people-especially

those baptized in the name of Christ-to live a chaste life.

Seeking the power of God's grace, both communities plead

for purity. It is imperative that believing communities find

practical, concrete ways to forge a counter-culture of fidelity.

It is our hope and prayer that people everywhere will open

xiii

their hearts to the transforming power of true love. And we

recognize that if we lack courage to confront and inspire our

members with Christ's truth our efforts on account of morality

will have but little effect. A pure mind, body, and soul are

essential to a life of happiness and peace. Despite the obstacles

placed by weakening moral standards, building a culture of

godly life is possible. Let us not forget that with God all things

are possible.

Signed on August 19, 2003

Sister Mary Elizabeth, S.V.

Family Life-Respect Life Office

Archdiocese of New York

Johann Christoph Arnold

Bruderhof Communities

xiv

Sex, God & Marriage Contents

Contents

Preface................................................................................. iii

Foreword...............................................................................v

A Call to Purity................................................................... vi

Introduction....................................................................... xvi

In The Beginning........................ 1

In the Image of God..............................................................2

It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone...................................10

The Two Shall Become One Flesh......................................17

The First Sin........................................................................25

Restoring the Image of God................................................33

Sexuality and the Sensuous Sphere.....................................42

The Pure in Heart................................................................49

What God Has Joined Together....60

Marriage in the Holy Spirit.................................................61

The Mystery of Marriage....................................................69

The Sacredness of Sex........................................................79

Parenthood and the Gift of Children...................................88

The Purity of Childhood.....................................................98

For Those Considering Marriage......................................110

The Service of Singleness.................................................125

The Spirit of Our Age...............135

With or Without God.........................................................136

Shameful Even to Mention?..............................................147

The Hidden War................................................................159

What about Divorce and Remarriage?..............................171

Therefore Let Us Keep Watch..........................................184

From a Reader...................................................................193

The Author........................................................................196

Notes.................................................................................198

Introduction

Everywhere today, people are searching for lasting and

meaningful relationships. The myth of romance continues

to be taken for granted by millions, and a new generation of

young men and women has accepted the belief that sexual

freedom is the key to fulfillment. But as desperately as

people want to believe in the sexual revolution of the last

few decades, it is clear to many of them that something has

gone terribly wrong. Instead of bringing freedom, the sexual

revolution has left countless wounded and isolated souls. As

we face the great anguish around us, it is more important than

ever for all of us, young and old, to consider the direction of

our lives and ask ourselves where we are headed.

The twenty-first century heralds the loss of the clear

teachings of the Old and New Testaments on marriage and

the relationship of the sexes. We have turned against God and

rebelled against his order of creation, and we have justified

our rebellion with human arguments. We have ignored the

words of Jesus and scorned the voice of the Spirit. But we

have found neither freedom nor fulfillment.

As a pastor I have counseled many people over the years,

both single and married. For many of them, the sexual sphere

is not an area of joy but one of frustration, confusion, and

even despair. People look for unity of heart and soul with

one another, but they are so blinded by the notion of romantic

love that their deepest longings remain obscured. They know

that marriage and sexual union is a gift from God; that it

should be the most intimate and rewarding relationship a

man and a woman can share. But they wonder why it has

become the source of such loneliness and pain for them and

for so many others.

I am no social scientist. But if the findings of recent studies

have made anything clear it is this: the fallout caused by our

culture's acceptance of casual sex is socially devastating.

More than half of all marriages in the United States fail.

Almost forty percent of America's children live in different

houses than their biological fathers. Poverty, violent crime,

delinquency, promiscuity, alcohol and drug abuse, mental

illness, and suicide are all rooted in the breakdown of the

family and the erosion of the marriage bond.

At the same time, those who save sexual activity until

marriage (though their numbers are dwindling) are far less

likely to have an affair or divorce, and those who commit

themselves to one lifelong partner lead happier lives.1

While current trends point to continuing decay, there are

encouraging signs that people are beginning to call into

question the thrills of cheap sex and the seeming ease of

uncommitted love. This is especially true among "GenXers."

There is an increased yearning among young people to find

genuine relationships and to build secure homes, giving

renewed hope that a two-parent family is still possible.

Again and again I have seen that when people are willing

to surrender their lives to Jesus, they are able to find a way

out of their unhappiness. Once people have the courage and

humility to face his call to repentance, he can bring them

lasting freedom and happiness.

Jesus brings true revolution. He is the original source

of love, because he is Love itself. His teaching is neither

a matter of prudishness nor of permissiveness: he offers

his followers an entirely different way. He brings a purity

that liberates us from sin and leads to the possibility of a

completely new life.

There is very little in today's culture that nurtures or

protects the new life that Jesus wants to give us. People talk

incessantly about the importance of committed marriages

and wholesome family life, but how many of us are willing

to take action to make these values a concrete reality?

Many of us are tempted to blame society for the influences

that corrupt us. But what about us so-called Christians?

How many of us are ready to unplug the television set and

take a hard look at our own marriages and relationships

and our personal lives? How many of us actually support

the brothers and sisters around us in the daily struggle for

purity? How many of us stick out our necks to confront

the sin in each other's lives? How many of us are really

accountable?

There is tremendous pain among those who claim to

be followers of Christ: broken families, battered wives,

neglected and abused children, and sinful relationships. Yet

instead of an outcry, there is indifference. When will we

wake up and realize that our apathy is destroying us?

More than ever, we need to come back to an understanding

of the church as a living body of committed members who

share life in practical deeds of love. But we must start with

ourselves first and then see where we can encourage those

around us. We need to know our youth well enough to be

able to guide them as they seek relationships and lifetime

commitments; we need to provide ongoing support for the

marriages around us; we need to work for healing when our

brothers or sisters stumble or fall - and accept their help

when we ourselves have fallen.

Most of all, we must show the world that the unique

teachings of Jesus and his apostles are the only answer

to the spirit of our time. That is why I have put together

this little book. I am neither a biblical scholar nor a

professional therapist, and I am fully aware that most

of what I have written is completely contrary to popular

wisdom. But I do feel the urgent need to share my certainty that

Jesus' call to a life of love, purity, honesty, and commitment

is our only hope.

This is not only a personal book - it comes out of the life

of the church community I serve, and everything in it reflects

the concerns and experiences of its members. My hope is

that all of us - all men and women of our time - might stop

to reconsider God's purpose for sex and marriage.

Sadly, too many people today have simply given up on the

possibility of a pure life. They have bought into the myth of

sexual "liberation" and tried to live with its disappointments,

and when their relationships fall apart, they explain

away

their failures. They fail to see what a tremendous gift purity

is.

All the same, I believe that deep in every heart there is

a yearning for unclouded relationships and for a love that

lasts. It takes courage and self-discipline to really live a

different way, but it is possible. Wherever there is a faithful

church - a community of people who are committed to living

in genuine and honest relationships - there is help and hope

for every person and every marriage. May this book give

each reader that faith.

J.C.A

In The Beginning

In the Image of God

God said, "Let us make man in our image and

likeness to rule the fish in the sea, the birds of

heaven, the cattle, all wild animals on earth,

and all reptiles that crawl upon the earth."

So God created man in his own image; in the

image of God he created him, male and female.

God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful

and increase; fill the earth and subdue it."

Genesis 1:26-28

In the opening chapter of the story of creation we read

that God created humankind - both male and female -in his

own image, and that he blessed them and commanded them

to be fruitful and to care for the earth. Right from the start,

God shows himself as the creator who "saw all that he had

made, and it was very good." Here, right at the beginning

of the Bible, God reveals his heart to us. Here we discover

God's plan for our lives.

Many, if not most, twentieth-century Christians dismiss

the story of creation as a myth. Others insist that only the

strictest, most literal interpretation of Genesis is valid. I

simply have reverence for the word of the Bible as it stands.

On the one hand, I would not think of arguing away anything

in it; on the other, I believe scientists are right in cautioning

that the biblical account of creation should not be taken

too literally. As Peter says, "With the Lord, a day is like a

thousand years, and a thousand years like one day" (2 Pet.

3:8).

God's image sets us apart.

Exactly how human beings were created remains a mystery

for the creator alone to unveil. Yet I am sure of one thing:

no person can find meaning or purpose without God. Rather

than dismiss the creation story simply because we do not

understand it, we need to find its inner, true meaning and

rediscover its significance for us today.

In our depraved age, reverence for God's plan as described

in Genesis has been almost completely lost. We do not

treasure the meaning of creation enough - the significance of

both man and woman as creatures formed in the image and

likeness of God. This likeness sets us apart in a special way

from the rest of creation and makes each human life sacred

(Gen. 9:6). To view life in any other way - for instance, to

Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God

view others only in the light of their usefulness, and not as

God sees them - is to disregard their worth and dignity.

What does creation "in God's image" mean? It means that

we are to be a living picture of who God is. It means that

we are to be co-workers who further his work of creating

and nurturing life. It means that we belong to him, and that

our being, our very existence, should always remain related

to him and bound to his authority. The moment we separate

ourselves from God we lose sight of our purpose here on

earth.

In Genesis we read that we have the living spirit of God:

"The Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground and

breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became

a living being" (Gen. 2:7). In giving us his spirit, God made

us responsible beings who possess the freedom to think and

act, and to do so in love.

But even if we possess a living spirit, we remain only

images of the creator. And when we look at creation in a

God-centered, not human-centered, way we will understand

our true place in his divine order of things. The person who

denies that God is his origin, who denies that God is a living

reality in his life, will soon be lost in a terrible emptiness.

Ultimately, he will find himself trapped in the self-idolatry

that brings with it self-contempt and a contempt for the worth

of others.

All of us long for what is imperishable.

What would we be if God had not breathed his breath into us?

Darwin's whole theory of evolution, by itself, is dangerous

and futile because it is not God-centered. Something inside

each of us cries out against the idea that we have been hatched

by a purposeless universe. Deep within the human spirit is a

thirst for what is lasting and imperishable.

Since we are made in God's image, and God is eternal, we

cannot, at the end of life, merely vanish again like smoke.

Our life is rooted in eternity. Christoph Blumhardt writes,

"Our lives bear the mark of eternity, of the eternal God

who created us to be his image. He does not want us to be

swallowed up in the transitory, but calls us to himself, to

what is eternal."2

God has set eternity in our hearts, and deep within each

of us is a longing for eternity. When we deny this and live

only for the present, everything that happens to us in life will

remain cloaked in tormenting riddles, and we will remain

deeply dissatisfied. This is especially true in the sexual area.

Casual sex desecrates the soul's yearning and capacity for

that which is eternal. No person, no human arrangement, can

ever fill the longing of our souls.

The voice of eternity speaks most directly to our

conscience. Therefore the conscience is perhaps the deepest

element within us. It warns, rouses, and commands us in our

God-given task (Rom. 2:14-16). And every time the soul is

wounded, our conscience makes us painfully aware of it. If

we listen to our conscience, it can guide us. When we are

separated from God, however, our conscience will waver

and go astray. This is true not only for an individual, but also

for a marriage.

Already in Genesis, chapter 2, we read about the

importance of marriage. When God created Adam, he said that

everything he had made was good. Then he created woman

to be a helpmate and partner to man, because he saw that it

was not good for man to be alone. This is a deep mystery:

man and woman - the masculine and the feminine - belong

together as a picture of who God is, and both can be found

in him. Together they become what neither would be apart

and alone.

Everything created by God gives us an insight into his

nature - mighty mountains, immense oceans, rivers, and

great expanses of water; storms, thunder and lightning,

huge icebergs; meadows, flowers, trees, and ferns. There is

power, harshness, and manliness, but there is also gentleness,

motherliness, and sensitivity. And just as the various forms of

life in nature do not exist without each other, God's children,

too, male and female, do not exist alone. They are different,

but they are both made in God's image, and they need each

other to fulfill their true destinies.

When God's image is defaced, life's

relationships lose purpose.

It is a tragedy that in much of today's society the differences

between man and woman are blurred and distorted. The

pure, natural image of God is being destroyed. There is

endless talk about women's equality, but in practice women

are abused and exploited more than ever before. In films, on

television, in magazines, and on billboards the ideal woman

(and increasingly, the ideal man) is portrayed as a mere sex

object.

Generally speaking, marriages in our society are no longer

regarded as sacred. Increasingly they are seen as experiments

or as contracts between two people who meas- ure everything

in terms of their own interests. When marriages fail, there is

almost always the option of no-fault divorce, and after that

a new attempt at marriage with a new partner. Many people

no longer even bother to make promises of faithfulness; they

just live together. Women who bear and raise children or stay

married to the same husband are sometimes scorned. And

even when their marriage is a healthy one, they are often

seen as victims of oppression who need to be "rescued" from

male domination.

Children are often no longer treasured. In Genesis,

God commanded, "Be fruitful and increase." Today we

avoid the "burden" of unwanted offspring by means of

legalized abortion. Children are viewed as a bother; they are

Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God

too expensive to be brought into the world, to be raised, to

be given a college education. They are an economic strain

on our materialistic lives. They are even too time-consuming

to love.

Is it any wonder that so many in our time have lost hope?

That so many have given up on the possibility of enduring

love? Life has lost its value; it has become cheap; most

people no longer see it as a gift from God. Advances in

biomedical engineering and in fetus screening techniques

enable growing numbers of couples to choose an abortion

for selfish reasons. Without God, life is absurd, and there is

only darkness and the deep wound of separation from him.

Despite the efforts of many dedicated individuals, the

church today has failed miserably in grappling with this

situation. All the more, each of us must go back to the

beginning and ask ourselves once again, "Why did God

create man and woman in the first place?" God created every

person in his image, and he has set a specific task for every

man, woman, and child on this earth, a task he expects us to

fulfill. No one can disregard God's purpose for his creation

or for himself without suffering deep inner need (Ps. 7:14-

16).

The materialism of our time has emptied life of moral

and spiritual purpose. It hinders us from seeing the world

with awe and wonder, and it hinders us from seeing our

true task. The sickness of soul and spirit brought about by

consumerism has eaten so deeply into our conscience that it

Sex, God & Marriage In the Image of God

is no longer able to mirror good and evil clearly. Yet there is

still a deep-seated need in each of us that makes us long for

goodness.

We will find healing only if we believe firmly that God

created us and that he is the giver of life, love, and mercy.

As we read in the third chapter of the Gospel of John, "God

so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever

believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For

God sent his son into the world, not to condemn the world,

but that the world might be saved through him."

In God's son - in Jesus - the creator's image appears with

utmost clarity and finality (Col. 1:15). As the perfect image

of God, and as the only way to the Father, he brings us life

and unity, joy and fulfillment. Only when our life is lived

in him can we experience his truth and goodness, and only

in him can we find our true destiny. This destiny is to be

God's image; to rule over the earth in his spirit, which is the

creative, life-giving spirit of love.

10

It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone

Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the

man to be alone. I will provide a partner for

him..." So the Lord God caused the man to fall

into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping,

he took one of the man's ribs and closed up

the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made

a woman from the rib he had taken out of the

man, and he brought her to the man. Then

the man said, "Now this at last is bone of my

bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called

'woman,' for she was taken out of man."

Genesis 2:18, 21-23

There is little that is so difficult for a person to bear as

loneliness. Prisoners held in solitary confinement have told

of rejoicing to see even a spider - at least it is something

alive. God created us to be communal beings. Yet our

modern world is frighteningly devoid of relationships. In

11

Sex, God & Marriage It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone

many areas of life, technological progress has resulted in the

deterioration of community. Increasingly, technology has

made people seem unnecessary.

As the elderly are placed into retirement communities or

personal-care homes, as factory workers are replaced by hitech

robotics, as young men and women search year after year

for meaningful work, they fall into despair and hopelessness.

Some depend on the help of therapists or psychologists, and

others seek avenues of escape such as alcoholism, drugs,

and suicide. Cut off from God and each other, thousands of

people lead lives of quiet desperation.

To live in isolation from others kills this unity and leads to

despair. Thomas Merton writes:

Despair is the absolute extreme of self-love. It is reached when

a man deliberately turns his back on all help from anyone else

in order to taste the rotten luxury of knowing himself to be

lost...

Despair is the ultimate development of a pride so great and

so stiff-necked that it selects the absolute misery of damnation

rather than accept happiness from the hands of God and

thereby acknowledge that he is above us and that we are not

capable of fulfilling our destiny ourselves.

But a man who is truly humble cannot despair, because in a

humble man there is no longer any such thing as self-pity.3

12

Sex, God & Marriage It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone

We see here that pride is a curse that leads to death. Humility,

however, leads to love. Love is the greatest gift given to

humankind; it is our true calling. It is the "yes" to life, the

"yes" to community. Love alone fulfills the longing of our

innermost being.

God created us to

live with and for others.

God has planted in each of us an instinctive longing to

achieve a closer likeness to him, a longing that urges us

toward love, community, and unity. In his last prayer, Jesus

points out the importance of this longing: "May they all be

one, as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, so also may they

be in us, that the world may believe that thou didst send me"

(John 17:20-21).

No one can truly live without love: it is God's will for

every person to be the "thou" for every other. Every person

is called to love and help those around him on God's behalf

(Gen. 4:8-10).

God wants us to find community with one another and to

help one another in love. And there is no doubt that when we

meet our brother's or sister's inmost heart, we can help them,

for "our" help is given by God himself. As John says, "We

know that we have passed out of death into life, because we

love our brethren. He who does not love abides in death" (1

13

John 3:14). Our lives are fulfilled only when love is kindled,

proved, and brought to fruition.

Jesus tells us that the two most important commandments

are to love God with our whole heart, soul, and strength,

and to love our neighbor as ourselves. And these two

commandments cannot be separated: love to God must

always mean love to one's neighbor. We cannot find a

relationship to God if we disregard others (1 John 4:19-21).

Our way to God must be through our brothers and sisters,

and in marriage, through our partner.

If we are filled with God's love, we can never be lonely

or withdrawn for long; we will always find someone to love.

God and our neighbor will always be near us. All we need

to do is find them. Recently a young man in my community

shared with me his newly discovered joy in reaching out to

others. Sean had been living in Baltimore doing volunteer

work building homes for the disadvantaged. He thought that

this would be enough. However, when he came home at the

end of the day he didn't know what to do:

I found myself wasting away in front of the television. My

zest for life was rapidly diminishing. Then someone told me

about an evening tutoring program for inner-city children.

They were desperately looking for help. So I decided to check

it out. Now I help out every night. I can't believe how my

14

whole perspective on life has changed. I never knew before

how much I needed to love these children.

When we suffer from loneliness, it is often simply because

we desire to be loved rather than to give love. Real happiness

comes from giving love to others. We need to seek community

of love with our neighbor again and again, and in this seeking

we must each become a helper, a brother or a sister. Let us

ask God to free our choked-up hearts for this love, knowing

that we can find it only in the humility of the cross.

Every person can be

an instrument of God's love.

In the story of the creation of Adam and Eve it is clear

that man and woman were created to help, to support, to

complement each other. What a joy it must have been for

God to bring woman to man - and man to woman! Because

we are all made in the image of God, in his likeness, we must

all find each other in joy and love, whether we are married

or not.

By bringing Eve to Adam, God shows all humans their true

calling - to be helpers who reveal his love to the world. And

by bringing us his son, Jesus, he shows us that he will never

leave us lonely or without help. Jesus himself said, "I will

not leave you orphaned; I will come to you." He promises

us that "the one who has received my commandments and

15

obeys them - he it is who loves me; and he who loves me

will be loved by my Father; and I will love him and disclose

myself to him" (John 14:18-21).

Who can understand the depth of these words and the

hope they bring to our troubled world? The loneliest, most

discouraged, disillusioned people may be assured that God

will never forsake them. Even if they are unable to find

human friendship, they will never be alone as long as they

hold on to God.

God brought Adam and Eve together to heal their loneliness

and to set them free from their one-sidedness, and he has

the same plan for every man and woman he brings together

in marriage. Yet marriage in itself cannot bring wholeness.

Unless we abide in Christ, we will bear no fruit. When we

love him who alone is our support, our hope, and our life, we

can be secure in knowing and loving one another. But if we

isolate ourselves inwardly from Christ, nothing will go well.

He alone holds everything together and gives us access to

God and to others (Col. 1:17-20).

God is the source and

the object of true love.

Marriage is not the highest goal of life. God's image is

reflected most brightly and completely where there is love

first for him and then for our brothers and sisters. In a true

16

Christian marriage, then, the husband will lead his wife and

children not to himself, but to God. In the same way, a wife

will support her husband as a helper, and together they will

lead their children to honor them as father and mother, and

to love God as their creator.

To be a helper to another on God's behalf is not just an

obligation, but a gift. How different our relationships would

be if we rediscovered this! We live in a time when fear and

mistrust grip us everywhere we go. Where is love, the love

that builds community and the church?

There are two kinds of love. One is turned selflessly

toward others and their well-being. The other is possessive

and limited to the ego. Augustine says, "Love is the self of

the soul, the hand of the soul. When it holds one thing, it

cannot hold something else. If it is to hold what one gives

it, it has to put down what it is holding."4 God's love desires

nothing. It gives and sacrifices itself, for this is its joy.

Love always has its roots in God. May God grant that the

power of his love grips us anew. It will lead us to others, to

share our lives with them. More than that, it will lead us to

the kingdom. Love is the secret of God's coming kingdom.

17

The Two Shall Become One Flesh

For this reason a man will leave his father and

mother and be united to his wife, and they will

become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

Marriage is sacred. In the Old Testament, the

prophets use it to describe God's relationship with his

people Israel: "I will betroth you to me forever; I will

betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and

compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will

acknowledge the Lord" (Hos. 2:19). God reveals his love

to all people in a special way in the unique bond between

husband and wife.

18

Marriage is more than living happily together.

In the New Testament, marriage is used as a symbol for the

unity of Christ with his church. In the Gospel of John, Jesus

is compared to a bridegroom, and in Revelation we read

that "the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has

made herself ready" (Rev. 19:7-9).

It is not without significance that Jesus changed water into

wine at a wedding; clearly, he had great joy in marriage. Yet

it is equally clear that to Jesus, marriage is a holy matter.

He takes it so seriously that he speaks with uncompromising

sharpness against even the slightest step toward its

destruction: "Therefore what God has joined together, let no

one separate" (Matt. 19:6-9).

We can see from Jesus' sharpness what a horror adultery

is in the eyes of God. The whole Bible protests against it,

from the books of the Prophets, where the idol worship of

the children of Israel is called adultery (Jer. 13:25-27), to

Revelation, where we read of God's wrath against the harlot.

When the bond of marriage is broken, love - the unity of

spirit and soul between two - is broken and smashed, and

not only between the adulterer and his spouse, but between

himself and God.

In our present-day culture, the institution of marriage is

teetering on the brink of disaster. Much of what is called love

is nothing but selfish desire. Even in marriage many couples

19

live together selfishly. People are deceived in thinking that

fulfillment can be found without sacrifice and faithfulness,

and even though they may live together, they are afraid to

love each other unconditionally.

Still, amid millions of floundering and ruined marriages,

God's love stands eternal and cries out for constancy and

devotion. There is a voice deep within each of us, however

muffled, that calls us back to faithfulness. On some level,

all of us yearn to be united - with free and open hearts - to

somebody, to some other "thou." And if we turn to God in

the trust that such unity with another is possible, we can find

the fulfillment of our longing.

True fulfillment comes from giving love to another person.

Yet love does not only seek to give; it also longs to unite. If

I really love another person, I will be interested in knowing

what is in him and willing to be led out of my one-sidedness.

In love and humility I will help him to the possibility of a full

awakening, first toward God, and then toward others. True

love is never possessive. It always leads to the freedom of

faithfulness and purity.

The faithfulness between a husband and wife is a reflection

of God's eternal faithfulness, for it is God who brings every

true bond together. In God's faithfulness we find the strength

to let love flow through our lives, and to let our gifts unfold

for each other. In the love and unity of the church it is possible

to become of one spirit with every brother and sister, and

also to become of one heart and soul with them (Acts 4:32).

20

Sexual love can give God's love visible form.

There is a difference between the love of an engaged or

married couple and the love among other men and women.

Nowhere is a person more dependent on another than in

marriage. There is a special joy in the heart of a married

person when the beloved is near; and even when separated,

there is a unique bond between them. Through the intimate

relationship of marriage, something takes place which may

even show in a couple's faces. As von Gagern, says, "Often

it is only through his wife that the husband becomes truly

a man; and through her husband that the wife gains true

womanhood."5

In a true marriage, each partner seeks the fulfillment of

the other. By complementing each other, the union between

husband and wife is enhanced. In their love for one another,

through their faithfulness to one another, and in their

fruitfulness, husband and wife reflect God's image in a

mysterious and wonderful way.

In the unique bond of marriage we discover the deeper

meaning of becoming one flesh. Obviously to become one

flesh means to become one physically and sexually, but it is

far more than that! It is a symbol of two people bound and

melted together, heart, body, and soul, in mutual giving and

total oneness.

21

When two people become one flesh, they are no longer

two, but actually one. Their union is the fruit of more than

companionship or partnership; it is the deepest intimacy.

As Friedrich Nietzsche writes, it is brought about by "the

resolve of two to create a unity which is more than those

who created it. It is reverence for one another and for the

fulfillment of such a resolve."6

Only in this reverence and oneness does marriage fulfill

the demands of the sexual conscience. Through the will to

have children, to be fruitful and to multiply, and through

the togetherness that reflects the unity of God with his

creation and his people, marriage gives visible form to God's

outpouring love.

When God is at the center of a

marriage, full unity of heart, soul,

and body is possible.

In God's order of marriage there are at least three different

levels of experience. The first, most wonderful level is unity

of spirit: the oneness of heart and soul in God. In this oneness

we can have community not only with our spouse but with

all believing persons. The second level is unity of emotion:

the current of love from one heart toward another that is so

strong that a person can, so to speak, hear the heartbeat of

22

another. The third level is physical unity: the expression of

oneness found when two bodies are fused in perfect union.

Too many couples today are content with the third level

alone, or perhaps the second. A marriage based only on the

physical and emotional is doomed to disappointment. Even

though waves of emotional or physical attraction are natural,

they can leave deep wounds if they are not placed under

Christ. Not long ago a woman I know told me that she and

her husband had only joined my congregation because they

wanted to have a church wedding - not because they were

interested in committing their lives to God. "My husband and

I never talked about God's vision for our lives, or about what

we wanted before or after our marriage," she writes. "We

were not on the same wavelength." Now her husband has

deserted her and their five children. It has become painfully

clear to her that because their commitment to each other was

not grounded in Christ, she and her husband lacked a solid,

lasting foundation for their marriage.

If a marriage is to be truly healthy, it must be founded

in the order of God - on unity of spirit, heart, and soul.

Most people today, including those of us who claim to be

Christians, have no idea how much God has prepared for

those who truly love and honor him. When we embrace

God's order for our relationships, we will experience God's

blessings. The experiences of the heart that God can give in a

true engagement or marriage are greater than we can imagine.

Too many of us live only in the world of the senses - of

23

sleeping, eating, and drinking - and never take time to really

turn to what is much more vital: our inner life. This is also

true in so many marriages today. Sex is the focal point, and

often unity of heart is not even sought or mentioned. Is it any

wonder that so few couples remain faithful to each other for

life?

Anyone who has lived near the ocean knows something of

nature's power in the pull of high and low tides. In marriage,

as in friendship, there are high and low tides. When a

relationship is at low ebb, it is all too easy for us to lose

patience, to distance ourselves from our partner, and even

to abandon efforts toward a renewal of love. When God is

at the center, we can turn to him and find faith and strength

even at our lowest ebb.

The more we live up to the image of God in which we

are created, the more strongly will we sense that God must

remain our center, and that his commandments are fitting for

us. We will sense that his commandments are not laid on us

as alien laws and commands. Rather, we will see that they

are in keeping with our true nature as created in his image.

But the more we betray and destroy God's image within us,

the more his rulership will appear to us as something foreign,

a moral compulsion that crushes us.

To be fruitful for each other, by complementing each

other in love, and to be fruitful with each other in bearing

children - it is these purposes that make marriage blessed

and holy, and a joy in heaven. Even so, in the story of the

24

creation, before God's command "to be fruitful," comes a

blessing: his gift of a partner to the first man. In giving the

man this gift, it is as if God is saying, "My image lives in

you." Whenever we approach marriage, we must consider

this with great reverence. In every person and in every

marriage lives the potential for a genuine expression of the

image of God.7

25

The First Sin

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of

the wild animals the Lord God had made. He

said to the woman, "Did God really forbid you

to eat from any tree in the garden?" "You will

not surely die," the serpent said to the woman.

"For God knows that when you eat of it your

eyes will be opened, and you will be like God,

knowing good and evil."

Genesis 3:1,4-5

Then God created the world, he saw that every thing he

made was good. The earth was truly his kingdom, and life

was ruled by the spirit of peace. Everything, including man

and woman, dwelled together in unity and harmony and

took delight in one another and in all that God had made.

With trembling reverence and wonder Adam and Eve stood

before the life-filled tree in the Garden of Eden. But then the

serpent misled Adam and Eve. Immediately, evil came into

God's creation and tried to destroy it completely.

26

Eve was tempted by the serpent with one simple question:

"Did God really say that?" and with one simple promise:

"Surely you will not die!" It is important that we understand

what this means. Satan, the seducer, tempted Eve with words

of God, just as later he tempted Jesus with words of God.

Pride separates us from God

and from each other.

What else was it, if not pride, when Eve looked at the tree

and lusted for its fruit, wanting to make herself like God?

Was she not testing God to see whether he would really

keep his word? The serpent put doubt into her heart, and

Eve listened to him with great curiosity. That in itself was

a betrayal of God, and it gives us an insight into how Satan

still works today.

Satan still wants to separate us from God, from our

brothers and sisters, and from our neighbor. And if we are

not watchful, he can do it simply by asking a seemingly

innocent question that sows seeds of mistrust and division

in our hearts. Satan disguises himself as an angel of light (2

Cor. 11:14), but actually he is the slanderer, the twister of

truth, the father of lies, the murderer from the beginning; he

tries to throw us into disorder and confusion and doubt - and

very often he succeeds.

27

In the Gospel of Matthew we read that shortly after Jesus'

baptism, when he withdrew into the wilderness, Satan tried

to tempt him. Knowing that Jesus was physically weak after

fasting for forty days, Satan approached Jesus with a face of

compassion and showed false reverence by suggesting that

all the kingdoms of the world should belong to him.

Yet already in that first temptation, Jesus recognized Satan

as the tempter, and the twister of truth. He trusted in God

unconditionally and did not consider listening to Satan for

even a moment, but rather went the way of trust, obedience,

and dependence on God. Satan could not come close to his

heart.

It was not just the forbidden fruit that enticed Adam and

Eve, but pride and the self-seeking desire to be like God.

Because they lacked trust, obedience, and dependence, they

cut themselves off from God. In the end, because they no

longer honored him, they made idols of each other.

The greatest curse on our human destiny is the attempt

to become like God. Bonhoeffer says, "In following Satan's

temptations to be like God yet independent of him, man has

become a god against God."8 The result is a deep sickness in

the human spirit. The image of God is now a stolen image,

and twisted by idolatry and rebellion against him, it brings

great darkness and need (Rom. 1:23-32).

28

False love hinders the joy of total giving.

Adam and Eve both sinned against love. They were deceived

by a false love. How many things happen today that go by

the name of love and are nothing but destruction and soulmurder!

True love wants the person of God to shine through the

beloved: God remains the value by which love is measured

and the final goal of love's striving. But man, in a false love

to the beloved, turns away from the highest good and thereby

makes it impossible for God to shine through the beloved.9

All this should be a serious warning to us, whether we are

married or hoping to be married. God alone must be first

in our lives, not our partner, not our children. In our own

marriage, my wife and I learned that when God did not have

the first and foremost place in our relationship, and when

we did not turn to him for guidance even in small matters,

we soon lost our closeness to each other. This affected our

children too (even if they were not conscious of it), by

making them disobedient and quarrelsome. I have seen the

same occur in many families: when a couple drifts apart, their

children act out their insecurities. In our case, as with many

29

other couples, once my wife and I turned back to God and

sought to rebuild our relationship, our children responded.

When we idolize our partner or our children, our

love becomes false. We cannot speak freely about our

shortcomings or those of our family. Like Adam, we no

longer truly love God or see his countenance; we see only

our spouse's or our children's. Rather than address issues

head-on, we gloss things over. In this way, we eventually

lose touch with God and with each other. Worse, we open

the door to evil, especially in the sexual area, and to inner

deadness and isolation. Adam and Eve lost their innocence

because they lost their unity with God. And through the

terrible emptiness that followed, man blamed woman and

sought to dominate, and woman, resentful of man, blamed

Satan. All unity was destroyed, and man and woman

became rivals and were no longer one (Gen. 3:7-19).

When our marriages are separated from God, rivalry soon

takes root and selfishness rules us. In competing with our

partner to rule the roost, we strive to create our own little

paradise on our own terms, and we soon sink into emptiness

and deep discontent. Our inner bond is destroyed and we

remain bound to one another only through infatuation. We

continually blame each other and seek our own advantage

and independence. The joy of total giving is gone and only

the curse of half-heartedness is left.

The enemy of life in God is an independent and covetous

will. As my grandfather Eberhard Arnold writes, this will

30

is "the commercial spirit of mammon, the legal spirit of

property-based relationships, the detachment of sexual desire

from the soul and from unity and community of spirit...All

this is death; it is no longer connected with life."10

Anything that stands in opposition to life and love is

evil, and we should never underestimate the power of evil.

Sin always leads to separation, and the wages of sin are

always death (Rom. 6:23). Sinful pride bears its bitter fruit

in estrangement, separation from God, from our true selves,

from others, and from the earth. Satan and sin shatter the

most fundamental relationships we have.

From ancient times on, Christians have pictured Satan

as a creature with hooves and horns. Such a notion has no

biblical basis. Satan and his demons surround the earth as

a force of evil - like an atmosphere (Eph. 2:1-

2; 6:12). His

sole aim is to blind humans with self-interest and egoism:

"You will be like God." And instead of going the way of

simple obedience, we allow ourselves to be tempted.

Like Adam and Eve, all of us are divided

and estranged by our sin.

Adam and Eve's first sin symbolizes the fall of each one of

us. We cannot ignore the fact that the original image of God

in us has been terribly distorted. Instead of being content

to reflect the image of God, we strive for equality with

31

God. We have turned the highest qualities within us against

God's will. In our worldly "freedom" we are no longer even

concerned about God or his original image. We are estranged

from him and moved only by the affairs of the world. We are

at odds with ourselves and trapped by the guilt of our own

dividedness.

Cut off from God in this way, we place ourselves at the

center of the universe and try to find peace in possessions and

pleasure. But these idols only leave us troubled with anxiety

and anguish. Then arises the first mistrustful question,

"Why?" and the second, "Is God really there?" We begin to

doubt the guidance of the Spirit, and we ask, "Why do I have

it so hard? Why me?"

Such questions eat away at our trust, not only in God but

in each other, and when we ask them we are never far from

sinning. Complete trust takes the hand that God is offering

and goes the way he leads. Even if the way leads through

darkness or suffering, through hard places, over rocks and

deserts, trust will help us to follow. If we take God's hand,

nothing can happen to us. But as soon as we let go of God

and question him, we will begin to despair. That is always

the challenge: to hold on to God.

Jesus had to endure every human suffering; he was spared

nothing - not hunger, thirst, loneliness, nor torment. But he

did not attempt to escape from his misery. He is near to us,

and he is always ready to help us, to give us the strength to

overcome (Heb. 2:14-18). Even the most satanic temptations,

the most terrible hours of darkness, are overcome by these

words of Jesus: "You shall worship the Lord your God, and

him alone shall you serve" (Matt. 4:10). This is the secret.

Here Satan loses all power over us, and the first sin no longer

binds.

33

Restoring the

Image of God

The Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of

the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with

unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are

being transformed into his likeness with everincreasing

glory, which comes from the Lord,

who is the Spirit...Therefore, if anyone is in

Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone,

the new has come!

2 Corinthians 3:17-18; 5:17

Stronger than any human relationship is our relationship

to God. All other relationships are merely symbols of it. First

and foremost, we are images of God and we need to find

reverence for that fact again and again.

The greatest hope for every seeker, and for every

relationship or marriage, is to recognize that even though we

have distorted this image and fallen away from God, a faint

reflection still remains in us. Despite our corruption, God

34

does not want us to lose our destiny as creatures made in his

image. Therefore he sent his son Jesus, the second Adam,

to break into our hearts (Rom. 5:17-19). Through Jesus the

image of God can be restored in every man and woman, and

to every relationship.

Jesus opens the way

to God and to each other.

Jesus is God's reconciler: he has come to reconcile us to God

and to others and to overcome the inner discord in our lives

(Eph. 2:11-19). When we become discouraged or downcast,

then more than ever we must seek him. Everyone who seeks

will find God. This is a promise. Jeremiah says, "You will

seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart"

(Jer. 29:13). And there are the wonderful words in the gospels:

"Anyone who seeks will find; to anyone who knocks, the

door will be opened" (Luke 11:10). These words are true

today, and if we take them seriously, God will become living

in our hearts.

The way to God is open for everyone. No human being

is excluded from this gift, because Jesus came as a human

being. God sent him to restore his image in us. Through him

we have access to the Father. But this can only happen when

the experience of Pentecost - the experience of personal

35

repentance, conversion, and faith - becomes a burning

reality for us.

The miracle of Pentecost, in which the Spirit descended

to earth in power and love, can happen anywhere in the

world at any time. It can happen wherever people cry out,

"Brothers, sisters, what shall we do?" and wherever they are

ready to hear the age-old answer of Peter, "Repent and be

baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus the Messiah,

for the forgiveness of your sins...Save yourselves from this

crooked generation" (Acts 2:37-40).

Freedom comes through

surrender, not human strength.

We can find forgiveness and salvation only at the cross. At

the cross we undergo death. This death liberates us from

everything that has prevented fellowship with God and with

others and renews our relationship with them. In giving up

the sin and evil which has enslaved us, we find freedom in

Jesus. We can never redeem ourselves or better ourselves by

our own strength. All we can finally do is surrender ourselves

completely to Jesus and his love, so that our lives no longer

belong to us but to him.

My father, J. Heinrich Arnold, writes:

36

If we want to be healed of the wounds made by Satan's tricks

and arrows...we must have the same absolute trust in Jesus

as he had in God. Ultimately, all we have is our sin. But we

must lay our sin before him in trust. Then he will give us

forgiveness, cleansing, and peace of heart; and these lead to a

love that cannot be described.11

What does it mean to "lay our sin before him in trust?"

Freedom and the possibility for reconciliation begin

whenever we confess the accusations of our conscience. Sin

lives in darkness and wants to remain there. But when, as

the following story of an acquaintance, Darlene, shows, we

bring to light the sins that burden us - when we admit them

without reserve - we can be cleansed and freed:

By the ninth grade, I had picked out my "future husband." I

spent many secret hours writing to him in my diary, dreaming

about him, and watching his house in the hope of seeing him

through a window. Several years later he married someone

else, and my fantasy world fell apart.

Through my high school years I tried to be part of the "in"

crowd, always conscious of what I said, did, and wore. But

by the time I graduated, I had flirted with countless boys, and

though I felt guilty about this because of my upbringing, I

simply chose to ignore it. I squashed my protesting conscience

and convinced myself that I could handle any situation.

37

After high school I traveled to Israel, intending to spend

a year at a kibbutz. At first I was shocked by the constant

partying and the preoccupation with sex among the teens

there, but soon I was hanging out in guys' rooms and going to

drinking parties and discos like everyone else. I told myself

I could withdraw from any situation at any time, but within

weeks I had let myself be sucked into relationship with a

boy who said he truly loved me. I wanted so much to believe

him that I fell for him, even though I knew he was the Don

Juan of the kibbutz. I felt more and more guilty; I could see

I was doing exactly what I had claimed I was strong enough

to resist. I panicked when I saw him a few nights later with

another girl.

I returned home and, during the next two years, thought I

had overcome my problem. But I had not. I fell again.

A man promised me a wonderful future, and he told me

constantly how much he loved me and how beautiful I was.

I wanted desperately to believe in him. Soon it was handholding,

hugging, kissing, touching - one thing led to the

next. As he wanted more and more from me, I completely

blocked out all feelings of terrible guilt and horror. When

he asked for sex, I gave in. I chose to fall deeper into sin

rather than face up to the absolute mess I was in. I wanted

to run away from home and live with him, and I promised

him my love and loyalty - even when he threatened to kill

me if I told anyone about our relationship. The next day he

disappeared, and I never saw him again.

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Plagued by depression, I considered suicide. My head and

stomach ached incessantly. I felt I was going insane. I was

obsessed with sex; I didn't see how I could go on without a

man to "love" me. I went for one boy after another; two of

them were even engaged to other girls. I grew desperate and

wept secretly for hours. Through it all, though I felt like a

prostitute, I tried to show my family and friends a happy and

confident image...

My double life could not last forever, and eventually I was

caught in a lie. I realized then that God was giving me another

chance. I might never again have such an opportunity to break

out of my sin. Giving in, I turned to my parents and confessed

everything. The devil was not quick to let me go, tormenting

me in my sleep, but the depth of God's love became very real

to me in the following weeks and months. There were constant

prayers and love from my family and church, who never lost

hope for me. I believe prayer drove away many evil spirits

that often seemed to hover around me, especially in those first

weeks.

After months of hard-fought struggle, my bondage to evil

was finally severed. Then came the unforgettable moment

when the forgiveness of all my sins was spoken out by my

pastor, in God's stead. The power and joy of that moment

knew no bounds.

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When we are burdened by sin, it is a tremendous gift to find

someone to talk to about it. Pouring out one's heart to another

person is like opening a sluice gate in a dam - the water runs

out, and the pressure disappears. If confession is honest and

heartfelt, it can bring a deep feeling of relief, because it is the

first step on the road to forgiveness. But ultimately we have

to stand before God. We cannot run away or hide from him,

as Adam and Eve tried to do when they disobeyed him. If we

are willing to stand before him in the light of his son Jesus,

he will burn away all our guilt.

Just as God gave the first man and woman peace and joy

in the Garden of Eden, he gives every believer the task of

working toward the new order of his peaceable kingdom. To

carry out this task, we must joyfully accept the rule of God in

our lives and be willing to go the entire way of Jesus - to start

at the stable in Bethlehem and end at the cross on Golgotha.

It is a very lowly, humble walk. But it is the only way that

leads to complete light and hope.

Jesus alone can forgive and remove our sins, because he

alone is free from all stain. He can stir our consciences and

set them free from impurity, bitterness, and discord (Heb.

9:14). If we accept the stirrings of our conscience, if we

embrace God's judgment and mercy, it does not matter how

sinful and corrupt we have been. In Christ the conscience

that used to be our enemy becomes our friend.

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Forgiveness has power

to transform our lives.

The forgiveness of sins that Jesus offers is so powerful that

it will change a person's life completely. Everything that

makes us fearful or isolated, everything impure and deceitful,

will yield if we give ourselves to him. What is up will come

down, and what is down will come up. This change will

start in the innermost heart of our being, and then both our

inner and outer life, including all our relationships, will be

transformed.

Whether or not a person has been transformed in this way

shows up most plainly when he or she faces death. Those

who have been at the bedside of a dying person will know

how absolute, how final in its significance, is each person's

inner relationship with God. They know that in the end,

when the last breaths are drawn, this bond is the only thing

that counts.

It is the life-task of every person to prepare to meet God.

Jesus tells us how to do this when he says, "Whatever you do

for the least of them you do to me." He also says, "Blessed

are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God." I

have personally experienced at deathbeds that if a person has

lived for others, as Jesus did, then God is very close to him in

the last hour. I have also experienced at the hour of death the

torment of those who have lived selfish and sinful lives.

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All of us, whether married or single, need to grasp more

deeply the eternally healing words of Jesus: "Lo, I am with

you always, even to the close of the age" (Matt. 28:20). In

Jesus there is life, love, and light. In him our lives and our

relationships can be purified from all that burdens us and

opposes love, and God's image in us can be restored.

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Sexuality and

the Sensuous Sphere

Everything God created is good, and nothing is

to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,

because it is consecrated by the Word of God

and prayer.

1 Timothy 4:4-5

The Bible speaks of the heart as the center of a

person's inner life. In the heart, decisions are made and

the direction is set as to what spirit we will follow (Jer.

17:10). But God also created us as sensuous beings. To

the sensuous belongs everything that we perceive with our

senses, including sexual attraction. The scent of a flower, the

warmth of the sun, or a baby's first smile brings us joy. God

has given us a great gift in our senses, and if we use them to

praise and honor him, they can bring us great happiness.

Yet just as the area of sensuous experience can bring us

close to God, it can mislead us and even bring us into satanic

darkness. All too often we tend toward the superficial and

43

miss the might and power of what God could otherwise

give us. Too often, in grasping at what we experience with

our senses, we forget about God and miss the possibility of

experiencing the full depth of his will.

Lasting joy is found not

in our senses, but in God.

To reject the living senses is to reject God and his handiwork

(1 Tim. 4:1-3). The Spirit does not want us to reject the body

or its emotional powers. But we should not forget that Satan

seeks to undermine every good thing; he is a twister of the

truth and is always waiting to deceive us, especially in this

area.

Admittedly, the soul is drawn to God through the spirit,

but it is always bound to the physical through the body. The

physical is not the real enemy of the spirit, and it must never

be despised. The real enemy is Satan, who continually tries

to attack the human soul and sever it from God. God's will

is that every part of life - spirit, soul, and body - be brought

under his control for his service (1 Cor. 10:31).

In and of itself there is nothing wrong with the sphere of

the senses. After all, everything we do, whether waking or

sleeping, is a sensory experience at some level. But because

we are not mere animals, because we are made in the image

of God, far more is expected of us.

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When two people fall in love, the joy they have at first is on

a sensuous level: they look into each other's eyes, they hear

one another speak, they rejoice in the touch of the other's

hand, or even in the warmth of the other's closeness. Of

course, the experience goes far deeper than seeing, hearing,

or feeling, but it still begins as an experience of the senses.

Yet human love can never remain at this level - it must go

much deeper than that. When the sensuous becomes an end in

itself, everything seems fleeting and temporary, and we feel

compelled to seek our satisfaction in experiences of greater

and greater intensity (Eph. 4:17-19). Spending our energies

on the intoxication of our senses, we soon exhaust and ruin

our ability to take in life's vital power. And we also lose the

capacity for any deep inner experiences. An acquaintance

who has been married for over thirty years told me:

When my wife and I first married, I always wanted her to

dress smart and sexy. It was the heyday of the mini-skirt,

and I thought she looked great in one. I did not recognize the

damage this attitude did to her, to other men, and to myself.

I was actually encouraging the lustful glance that Jesus so

clearly denounces. Only later, when my wife and I realized

this, did we find freedom from an unhealthy emphasis on each

other's physical appearance and the way forward to a more

genuine relationship.

45

Unless we surrender ourselves (including our senses) in

reverence to God, we will be unable to experience the things

of this world to their fullest. Time and again I have seen how

people who focus on gratifying their senses wind up leading

shallow, aimless lives. When our senses rule, we become

frustrated and confused. But in God we can experience the

eternal in the sensuous. In him we can satisfy our heart's

deepest longings for what is genuine and lasting.

When we surrender our sexuality

to God, it becomes a gift.

As a gift from God, sensuality is a mystery; without God, its

mystery is lost and it is desecrated. This is especially true for

the whole area of sex. The sexual life has a deep intimacy all

its own, which each of us instinctively hides from others. Sex

is each person's secret, something that affects and expresses

one's innermost being. Every disclosure in this area opens

up something intimate and personal and lets another person

into one's secret. Therefore the sexual sphere - even though

it is one of God's greatest gifts - is also the sphere of shame.

We are ashamed to unveil our secret before others. There

is a reason for this: just as Adam and Eve were ashamed

of their nakedness before God because they knew that they

had sinned, all of us know that we are sinful by nature. This

recognition is not an unhealthy mental disorder, as many

46

psychologists claim. It is the instinctive response to protect

that which is holy and given by God, and it should lead every

person to repentance.

Sexual union is meant to be the expression and fulfillment

of an enduring and unbreakable bond of love. It represents

the supreme surrender to another human being because

it involves the mutual revelation of each partner's most

intimate secret. To engage in sexual activity of any kind

without being united in the bond of marriage, therefore, is

a desecration. The widespread practice of premarital sexual

"experimentation," even with a partner one intends to marry,

is no less terrible, and it can severely damage a future

marriage. The veil of intimacy between a man and woman

must not be lifted without the blessing of God and the church

in marriage (Heb. 13:4).

Even within a marriage, the whole sphere of sexual

intimacy must be placed under Christ if it is to bear good

fruit. The contrast between a marriage where Christ is in

the center and one where the flesh is the focal point is best

described by the Apostle Paul in his letter to the Galatians:

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality,

impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred,

discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissension,

factions, and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn

you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit

47

the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,

peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,

and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those

who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature

with its passions and desires (Gal. 5:19-24).

People who see sexual lust in the same way as they see

gluttony do not understand the significance of the sexual

sphere. When we surrender to the temptations of lust or

sexual impurity, we are defiled in quite a different way than

by gluttony, even though that, too, is condemned by Paul.

Lust and impurity wound us in our innermost heart and

being. They attack the soul at its core. Whenever we fall into

sexual impurity, we fall prey to demonic evil, and our whole

being is corrupted. Then only through deep repentance and

conversion can we be freed.

The opposite of impurity is not

legalism.

The opposite of sexual impurity and sensuality, however, is

not prudery, moralism, or false piety. How seriously Jesus

warns us against this! (Matt. 23:25-28) In everything we

experience with our senses, our joy must be genuine and

free. Pascal says, "The passions are most alive in those who

want to renounce them." When sensuality is repressed by

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moral compulsion rather than disciplined from within, it

will only find new channels of untruthfulness and perversity

(Col. 2:21-23).

In our corrupt and shameless time, it is harder and harder

to raise children with a deep sense of reverence for God and

all that he has created. All the more, we must strive to bring

up our children in such a way that whether or not they marry

as adults, they grow up to be men and women committed to

a life of purity.

We must be watchful that our children do not talk

irreverently about sexual matters. Yet at the same time

we cannot avoid the issue. Rather, we need to bring to

our children a spirit of reverence. We must teach them to

understand the significance and holiness of sex in God's

order, and impress on them the importance of keeping their

bodies pure and undefiled for the single purpose of marriage.

They must learn to feel, as we do, that sex finds its greatest

fulfillment, and therefore gives greatest pleasure, only in a

pure and godly marriage.

God has joy when a young married couple experiences

full uniting: first in spirit, then from heart to heart and soul

to soul, and then in body. When a man and woman lift the

veil of sex in reverence before him, in relationship with him,

and in the unity given by him, their union honors God. Every

couple should strive for this reverence, for "the pure in heart

shall see God."

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The Pure in Heart

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall

see God...Since we have these promises, dear

friends, let us purify ourselves from everything

that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting

holiness out of reverence for God.

Matthew 5:8; 2 Corinthians 7:1

Søren Kierkegaard says that purity of heart is to will

one thing. That one thing is God and his will. Apart from

God, our hearts remain hopelessly divided. What is impurity,

then? Impurity is separation from God. In the sexual sphere

it is the misuse of sex, which occurs whenever sex is used in

any way that is forbidden by him.

Impurity never pollutes us from without. It cannot be

outwardly wiped away at will. Originating in our imagination,

it breaks out from inside us like an infected sore (Matt.

15:16-20). An impure spirit is never satisfied, never whole:

it always wants to steal something for itself, and even then

lusts for still more. Impurity stains the soul, corrupts the

50

conscience, destroys the coherence of life, and eventually

leads to spiritual death.

An impure heart is neither

satisfied nor free.

Whenever we allow our soul to be touched by impurity, we

open it to a demonic force that has power to gain control over

every sphere of our life, not only the sexual. Impurity can

take the form of idolatrous passion for professional sports; it

can be the ambitious craving for prestige or power over other

people. If we are ruled by anything but Christ, we are living

in impurity.

Impurity in the sexual sphere consists in using another

person solely in order to satisfy desire. It is there wherever

people enter into situations of sexual intimacy with no

intention of forming a lasting bond.

One of the starkest forms of impurity occurs when a person

engages in sexual intercourse (or any other sexual act) for the

sake of money. A person who does this "becomes one with

the harlot," as the Apostle Paul says, because he is using the

body of another human being simply as a thing, a means of

self-gratification. In doing this he commits a crime against

the other person, but also against himself: "He who goes

to the prostitute becomes the murderer of his own life" (1

Cor. 6:15-20). Even in marriage, sex for its own sake is sex

51

separated from God. As von Hildebrand writes, it possesses

a poisonous sweetness that paralyzes and destroys.

It would be a great mistake, however, to imagine that the

opposite of impurity is the absence of sexual feeling. In fact,

the lack of sexual awareness is not necessarily even fertile

ground for purity. A person who lacks sensitivity to sex is in

actual fact an incomplete person: he or she lacks something

not only in natural disposition, but in that which gives color

to his or her whole being.

People who seek purity do not despise sex. They are simply

free from prudish fear and hypocritical shows of disgust. But

they never lose reverence for the mystery of sex, and they

will keep a respectful distance from it until they are called

by God to enter its territory through marriage.

For unmarried Christians, suppression of sexual feelings

is not the answer; only when they are surrendered completely

to Christ will purity be found. In marriage, two people

entrust the special holiness of the sexual area to each other.

Yet in the deepest sense it is not they who give this gift to

each other, but God, who created us all as sexual beings.

Thus, whenever we give in to temptation - even if only in

our thoughts - we are sinning against God, who created our

sexuality for his purpose, which is the sanctity of marriage.

God wants to give inner harmony and decisive clarity

to every heart. In this lies purity (James 4:8). As Eberhard

Arnold writes:

52

If one's heart is not clear and undivided - "single," as Jesus

put it - then it will be weak, flabby, and indolent, incapable of

accepting God's will, of making important decisions, and of

taking strong action. That is why Jesus attached the greatest

significance to singleness of heart, simplicity, unity, solidarity,

and decisiveness. Purity of heart is nothing else than absolute

integrity, which can overcome desires that enervate and

divide. Determined single-heartedness is what the heart needs

in order to be receptive, truthful and upright, confident and

brave, firm and strong.12

The key to purity is humility.

In the Beatitudes Jesus blesses the pure and the meek; he

says that they shall inherit the earth and see God. Purity and

meekness belong together, because they both arise from

complete surrender to God. In fact, they depend on it. But

purity and meekness are not inborn; they must be struggled

for again and again. There are few things more wonderful a

Christian can strive for.

The struggle against sexual impurity is not just a problem

for young adults. For many people, it does not lessen as they

grow older and more mature but remains a serious struggle

for life. Certainly a desire for purity is good and necessary,

yet it remains impossible for anyone to "resolve" never to

give in to temptation again. Only through the experience of

53

forgiveness can the gift of purity be given. And even then,

our battle against temptations will continue. Still, we can

take courage. No matter how often or how sorely we are

tempted, Jesus will plead to God on our behalf if we ask

him. In him we will find victory over every temptation (1

Cor. 10:13).

Yet only the humble can experience God's infinite

goodness. The proud never can. Proud people open their

hearts to all sorts of evil: impurity, lying, stealing, and the

spirit of murder. Where there is one of these sins, the others

will not be far behind. People who strive for purity in their

own strength will always be stumbling. Seemingly selfconfident,

they fall into darkness and sin because they think

they can handle their problems on their own.

Each of us faces temptations in the sexual area, and our

only hope in overcoming these lies in our willingness to

confess our struggle to someone we trust. When we do this,

we discover that we are by no means unique.

Frank, a young man who has shared with me about his

struggle for purity, writes:

Even as a small child, I considered myself to be a special and

"spiritual" person. Once I established this image, I found it

extremely difficult to share my problems with my parents or

with anyone else. As I grew up, all my energy went into being

a "good" boy. I would watch people I thought were "cool,"

54

and I would try to imitate them. This self-obsession continued

during my college years. I chose to follow the crowd and drift

along wherever the stream of college life took me.

As I grew older, I saw my peers maturing into functional

adults. Scared that I was being left behind, I refined my efforts

to hide my deep insecurity, a problem that by now amounted

to a mental disorder. Rather than look for suave role models,

I turned to men who seemed to be spiritually gifted and tried

to copy them.

As the years went by, my fear that something might be

chronically wrong with my life increased. Because of my

pride, I was tormented and plagued by mistrust, doubts, and

hatred. At the same time I led a secret life of sexual impurity.

But I suppressed all this and lived in constant fear of being

found out.

Too often I have watched people who could have been helped

early on lose hope and slide further into sexual sin. Like an

avalanche, their problems mount. Some even fall for a life of

crime, drugs, and alcohol abuse simply because they see no

way out. Often all such a person needs is a friend or pastor

to point him toward God and encourage him to work for

the purity he actually craves. (Frank eventually confronted

his desperate need and asked for help.) A person's intense

self-absorption, which is often camouflaged pride, shields

him from the great promise that every temptation can be

55

overcome - if only he is willing to admit his failings and

turn away from himself.

Humble people, on the other hand, live in God's strength.

They may fall, but God will always lift them up and rescue

them from a downward spiral.

Of course, not only our struggles but everything in our

lives should be placed under Jesus. Jesus overcomes the

desires that tear us apart and dissipate our strength. The more

firmly we are gripped by his Spirit, the nearer we will come

to finding our true character.

Who is pure in heart?

In the Sermon on the Mount we can see how seriously Jesus

takes the daily fight for purity. He says that if we look at

another person with a lustful glance, we have already

committed adultery in our hearts (Matt. 5:27-30). The fact

that Jesus speaks about lustful thoughts - let alone lustful

actions - should show us how important a decisive attitude

of heart is in this fight.

Bonhoeffer writes, "Who is pure in heart? Only those

who have surrendered their hearts completely to Jesus that

he alone may remain in them; only those whose hearts are

undefiled by their own evil - and by their own virtue as

well."13

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Pure men and women are able to discern both the good and

the evil in the sexual sphere. They are awake to its intrinsic

qualities and fully aware of its goodness and beauty as a

gift from God. But they are also keenly aware that even the

slightest misuse of this gift opens the door to evil spirits, and

they know they cannot free themselves from these spirits in

their own strength. That is why they avoid every situation

that defiles the soul and abhor the thought of leading others

into sin.

It is of vital importance that in our fight for purity we

reject everything that belongs to the domain of sexual

impurity, including greed, vanity, and every other form of

self-indulgence. Our attitude cannot be one of "partial"

fascination with lust - only one of complete rejection. If our

hearts are pure, we will react instinctively against anything

that threatens to cloud this attitude.

Here the church community has a great responsibility

to fight daily for an atmosphere of purity among all of its

members (Eph. 5:3-4). The fight for purity must go hand

in hand with the fight for justice and community, because

there is no true purity of heart without a feeling for justice

(James 1:26-27). Purity is not just related to the sexual area;

to know that a neighbor is hungry and to go to bed without

giving him food is to defile one's heart. That is why the early

Christians pooled everything they possessed - their food and

drink, their goods, their strength, even their intellectual and

creative activity - and gave them up to God. Because they

57

were of one heart and soul and held all things in common,

they could fight all things through to victory as one body.

Marriage is no guarantee of purity.

It is an illusion to think that the struggle for purity comes

to an end as soon as one is married. Marriage can even be a

trap. Many young people think that all their problems will be

solved the minute they are married, but the fact is that many

of their problems will only begin then.

Certainly, the union between husband and wife is a great

grace. It can have a redeeming effect, especially in the sense

of softening one's ego. But the redemptive effect of marriage

can never be complete in itself. No one can ever solve the

need of a partner's burdened conscience. Full redemption

can be found only in Jesus.

A marriage certificate is no guarantee of purity. Whenever

a true relationship to God is missing, sex quickly loses its

true depth and dignity and becomes an end in itself. Even

in marriage, superficiality in the sexual sphere spells ruin

because it breaks down the mystery of the bond between

man and woman.

It is tragic how so many today, even among Christians,

use the marriage certificate as a license for satisfying every

desire. A middle-aged couple I once met shared with me

how, in the privacy of their own bedroom, they periodically

58

watched pornographic videos to help "keep their love life

alive." They saw nothing wrong with this. "Doesn't God

want a couple to enjoy each other?" was their rationale.

Little could they see how twisted and cheap their love life

had become. Their attempts to substitute their lives with

those of others only served to fuel their dissatisfaction with

each other.

Nothing should reveal the need of God's special sanction

more plainly than marriage. Therefore, whenever a man and

woman unite, they should have the attitude Moses had when

he came upon the burning bush: "Here is holy ground, take

off your shoes!" (Exod. 3:5) Their attitude must always be

one of reverence for their creator and for the mystery of

marriage.

As the union of a husband and wife under God, sex fulfills

its divinely ordained function in a profound way: it is tender,

peaceful, and mysterious. Far from being an animal-like act

of aggression and lust, it creates and expresses a unique bond

of deep, self-giving love.

When a couple experiences the sexual sphere in this

way, they will feel that their union cannot be meant only

for procreation. At the same time, they must remember that

through their uniting a new life may come into being. If they

are truly reverent, they will feel such an awe for the holiness

of this fact that their union will become like a prayer to

God.

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Without Christ, a man or woman who has lived in impurity

cannot grasp the mysterious depth of the sexual sphere. But

in Christ there can be complete healing. "For we know that

when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him

as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself,

just as he is pure" (1 John 3:3).

What God

Has Joined

Together

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Marriage in

the Holy Spirit

I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling

you have received. Be completely humble and

gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in

love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the

Spirit through the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:1-3

Every marriage goes through tests and crises, but these

can bring about an increase in love, and every young couple

should remember this. True love provides the strength

needed to meet every test. It means deeds, acts of helping

one another in humble, mutual submission. True love is born

of the Holy Spirit.

Often we overlook the depth of this truth. We tend either

to dismiss true love as some sort of flimsy fairy tale or to

focus so much energy on finding it that we miss it entirely.

But the true love that stems from the Holy Spirit is not

brought about by human effort. A married couple who

62

experiences its blessings will notice their love increasing

with each passing year, regardless of the trials they may

encounter. Decades into their marriage, they will still find joy

in making each other happy. As Jean, an acquaintance who

has been married for over forty years, writes, expressions of

love do not require much fanfare. Often the simplest gesture

says the most.

My husband, Chad, and I have gone through many struggles

in our relationship with each other, and with our children.

Yet through it all our love has grown stronger. Again and

again we marvel at the gift God gave us in each other. I do

not believe that our relationship could ever exist without

romance - the little joys or surprises we make for each other

are what confirm and renew our love time and again. I am

always happily surprised when Chad, who is a writer, presents

me with a poem or brings home flowers for our table. And

how he loves it when I have a cup of coffee ready for him, or

fresh-baked cookies, when he comes home from work at the

end of the day.

We have discovered that nothing is more reviving than a

good laugh as we recount the day's little experiences to each

other, or when he pulls my leg about something...It is true

that marriage is a serious commitment for life, yet I think we

can also be very childlike about it and trust in God's leading,

taking one step at a time. We stumble along; we make our

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mistakes; we have our disagreements and arguments. But

afterwards we love each other all the more.

The spirit opens up an entirely

different plane of experience.

When two people seek a relationship, they usually do so in

terms of mutual emotions, common values, shared ideas, and

a feeling of good will toward each other. Without despising

these, we must recognize that the Holy Spirit opens up an

entirely different plane of experience between husband and

wife.

Certainly, marital love based on the impulses of the

emotions can be wonderful, but it can all too quickly become

desperate and unhappy. In the long run it is an unstable

foundation. Love gains certainty and firmness only when it

is ruled by the Spirit.

If we seek only the unity and love that is possible on a

human level, we remain like clouds drifting and suspended.

When we seek unity in the Spirit, God can ignite in us a

faithful love that can endure to the end. The Spirit burns

away everything that cannot endure. He purifies our love.

True love does not originate from ourselves, but is poured

out over us.

Marriage in the Holy Spirit signifies faithfulness.

Where there is no loyalty, there is no true love. In our

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society, marriages are being tested as never before, but this

should refine and increase our faithfulness to one another.

Faithfulness springs from the inward certainty of our calling.

It comes from submission to God's order.

In his Confession of Faith (1540), the Anabaptist

Peter Riedemann describes God's order for marriage as

encompassing three levels. First is the marriage of God

to his people, of Christ to his church, and of the Spirit to

our spirit (1 Cor. 6:17). Second is the community of God's

people among themselves - justice and common fellowship

in spirit and soul. Third is the unity between one man and one

woman (Eph. 5:31), which "is visible to and understandable

by all."14

Unity of faith is the surest basis for marriage.

Paul the Apostle also draws a parallel between marriage and

spiritual unity when he tells husbands to love their wives

"just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"

(Eph. 5:25). For Christians, marriage is a reflection of the

deepest unity: the unity of God and his church. In a Christian

marriage, therefore, it is the unity of God's kingdom, in

Christ, and in the Holy Spirit that matters most. Ultimately,

it is the only sure foundation on which a marriage can be

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built. "Seek first God's kingdom and his justice, and all these

things will be given to you as well" (Matt. 6:33).

Marriage should always lead two believing people closer

to Jesus and his kingdom. It is not good enough for a couple

to get married in a church or by a minister. To be drawn nearer

to Christ, they must first be fully dedicated as individuals to

the spirit of God's kingdom, and to the church community

that serves it and stands under its direction. First there must

be heart-felt unity of faith and spirit. Only then will there be

true unity of soul and body as well.

This is why (at least traditionally) so many churches have

been reluctant to bless the union of a member with a spouse

who does not share his or her faith in Christ (2 Cor. 6:14).

(In Ezra, chapters 9 and 10, we read how the prophet had

to come before God and repent deeply on behalf of all the

Israelites because they were marrying women from pagan

nations.) On the one hand, they believe that anyone who is

really drawn by the spirit of love and justice professed by

a truly Christian church will not remain an "outsider"; on

the other, they feel that a marriage between a member and

a person who is not drawn to the life of the church and the

basic premises of its beliefs would prevent both partners

from finding the spiritual unity that is the highest level of

marriage.

If, however, a person already married to someone of a

different belief wished to join the church I pastor, I would

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do my utmost to preserve the marriage, as long as the new

member did not feel hindered in faith by his or her spouse.

When the love of two people who desire to be married is

dedicated to the Holy Spirit and placed under his rule and

direction - when it serves the unity and justice of God's

kingdom - there is no reason why the two should not marry.

But when a couple lacks spiritual unity, marriage in the

church should be out of the question. If the church is truly

the Body, the unity of its members under God must come

before everything else.

Here it should be said that the demands of a true marriage

in the Spirit can never be met by a human system of answers

or solved by means of principles, rules, and regulations.

They can be grasped only in the light of unity, by those who

have experienced the spirit of unity, accepted it personally,

and begun to live in accordance with it.

The very essence of God's will is unity (John 17:20-

23). It was God's will for unity that brought Pentecost to

the world. Through the outpouring of the Spirit, people's

hearts were struck, and they repented and were baptized.

The fruits of their unity were not only spiritual. The material

and practical aspects of their lives, too, were affected and

even revolutionized. Goods were collected and sold, and

the proceeds were laid at the feet of the apostles. Everyone

wanted to give all they had out of love. Yet no one suffered

want, and everyone received what he or she needed. Nothing

was held back. There were no laws or principles to govern

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this revolution. Not even Jesus said exactly how it should

be brought about, only, "Sell all you have and give it to the

poor" (Matt. 19:21). At Pentecost it simply happened: the

Spirit descended and united the hearts of those who believed

(Acts 2:42-47).

The Spirit frees us from pettiness

and brings unity of heart.

Genuine unity, like joy or love, cannot be forced or created

artificially. Only the Spirit can bring unity. Only the Spirit

can free us from our pettiness and from the forces of guilt

and sin that divide us from God and from each other. With

our own wills we can certainly try to free ourselves from

these forces, and we may be able to overcome them to a

certain degree and for a certain period of time. But we

should remember that ultimately only the spirit of love can

overcome the flesh.

Again, we must never forget our dependence on the

guidance of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:25). Even within a

marriage, if our unity is based only on mutual feelings or

common values and not on the Spirit, it runs the risk of

being swallowed up by the purely sexual and emotional. We

ourselves are not capable of bringing about the true unity of

spirit in which two hearts become one. That can happen only

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when we allow ourselves to be gripped and transformed by

something greater than ourselves.

When a marriage is anchored in the Holy Spirit, both

partners will feel that their love is not a private possession but

a fruit and gift of God's uniting love. They may still struggle

with selfishness, disunity, superficiality, or other disorders,

but if they keep their hearts open, the Spirit will always lift

their eyes to God and his help.

The Spirit must come to each of us, whether married or

unmarried, again and again. It wants to transform everything

in our hearts and give us the strength to love. In his First

Letter to the Corinthians, Paul says, "There is nothing love

cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its

endurance. Love will never come to an end." Love is born of

the Holy Spirit, and only in the Spirit can a true marriage be

conceived - and endure.

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The Mystery

of Marriage

Submit to one another out of reverence for

Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to

the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife

as Christ is the head of the church, his body,

of which he is the Savior. Now as the church

submits to Christ, so also wives should submit

to their husbands in everything. Husbands,

love your wives, just as Christ loved the church

and gave himself up for her to make her holy,

cleansing her by the washing with water

through the Word, and to present her to himself

as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle

or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their

wives as their own bodies. He who loves his

wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hates

his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just

as Christ does the church, for we are members

of his body. For this reason a man will leave

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his father and mother and be united to his

wife, and the two will become one flesh. This

is a profound mystery, but I am talking about

Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5:21-32

In God's order, marriage and family originate in the church.

The church is God's primary expression of his love and

justice in the world. In the church, marriage can be fulfilled

and given its true value. Without the church, it is doomed

to be overcome by the dominating and destructive forces of

society.

Marriage is more than a bond

between husband and wife.

Only very few people in our day understand that marriage

contains a mystery far deeper than the bond of husband and

wife, that is, the eternal unity of Christ with his church. In

a true marriage, the unity of husband and wife will reflect

this deeper unity. It is not only a bond between one man

and one woman, because it is sealed by the greater bond

of unity with God and his people. This bond must always

come first. It is this bond we pledge at baptism and reaffirm

at every celebration of the Lord's Supper, and we should

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remind ourselves of it at every wedding. Without it, even the

happiest marriage will bear no lasting fruit.

How little the marriage bond amounts to when it is only

a promise or contract between two people! How different

the state of the modern family would be if Christians

everywhere were willing to place loyalty to Christ and his

church above their marriages.

For those who have faith, Christ - the one who truly

unites - always stands between the lover and the beloved. It

is his Spirit that gives them unhindered access to one another.

Therefore, when sin enters a marriage and clouds the truth of

love, a faithful disciple will follow Jesus in the church, not

his or her wayward partner.

Emotional love will protest this because it is prone to

disregard the truth. It may even try to hinder the clear light

that comes from God. It is unable and unwilling to let go of

a relationship, even when it becomes false and ungenuine.

But true love never follows evil: it rejoices in the truth (1

Cor. 13:6). Both partners must recognize that unity of faith

is more important than the emotional bond of their marriage.

Each of us who claims to be a disciple must ask ourselves:

"If my first allegiance is not to Jesus and the church, who is

it to?" (Luke 9:57-60)

When the smaller unity of a married couple is placed

under the greater unity of the church, their marriage becomes

steadfast and secure on a new, deeper level because it is

placed within the unity of all believers. It is hardly surprising

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that this idea is foreign to most people, yet it contains a truth

I have witnessed time and again. Take the story of Harry and

Betty, an elderly couple I got to know well during their last

years together. In Betty's words:

Harry and I were married in June 1937, in England. Though at

first we felt our marriage to be founded under God, it was not

long before our struggles began. Harry, who struggled with

homosexual inclinations all his life, became unfaithful to me,

and then left me. Several times he tried to set things straight,

but he never seemed to be able to break with the sin that bound

him. During our long years of separation, close friends stood

by him and me, and this was a great support.

When distressing letters came from Harry, I got discouraged,

and sometimes I gave up praying for him. But I always came

back to it, as it was the only thing I could do to help him. I

knew that with God everything is possible, and hoped that

someday Harry might be restored to Christ and the church...

Now I can never cease to marvel at what a miracle it

was that he returned to me in his old age. We had not been

together for over forty years. But I loved being with him

during the last years we shared; he was so different. He was

humble and straightforward and childlike. He came to love

my friends, and our neighbors, and they loved him. Harry and

I read the Bible and his favorite hymns together. He was very

close to Jesus in his final months.

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I think of him every day and will always treasure the time I

had with him. I think he was closer to the kingdom than I am.

I fail in love again and again and see too late things I could

have done. But God is faithful and keeps his promises. My

faith rests in this, and I have peace.

Betty was too modest to ever say it, but had it not been for

her constant prayer and her faithfulness to Jesus, Harry might

never have found his way back to God and to faith in Him, let

alone back to her. Their last two years together are a testament

to faith and to the healing power of uncompromising love.

What a contrast to today's culture, where so many seem to

think that the more independently a marriage is built, the

firmer it is. Some even think that the more a couple can be

relieved of the "constraints" of obligation to each other, the

happier they will be. This is a completely false presumption.

Only when a marriage is founded in God's order and on the

basis of his love can it last. A marriage is built on sand unless

it is built on the rock of faith.

Man and woman have different tasks,

and they must complement each other.

The belief that love to Christ and his church must take

priority over all else is also important for understanding the

difference between man and woman. Clearly God has given

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each of them different natures and tasks, and when these are

rightly fulfilled in a marriage in the church, harmony and

love will abound. My father, J. Heinrich Arnold, writes:

Obviously, there are differences in the biological makeup of

the male and the female. But it is completely materialistic to

think that the difference between man and woman is merely

biological. A woman longs to absorb her beloved one into

herself. She is designed by nature to receive and to endure;

to conceive, to bear, to nurse, and to protect. A man, on the

other hand, desires to enter his beloved one and become one

with her; he is made to initiate and penetrate rather than to

receive.15

It has been said that the body is shaped by the soul, and this

is a deep thought. The soul, the breath of God, the innermost

essence of each human being, forms a different body for

each. It is never a question of who is higher. Both man and

woman were made in the image of God, and what can be

greater than that? Yet there is a difference: Paul likens man

to Christ and woman to the church (Eph. 5:22-24). Man,

as Head, portrays the service of Christ. Woman, as Body,

portrays the dedication of the church. There is a difference

in calling, but there is no difference in worth.

Mary is a symbol of the church. In her we recognize the

true nature of womanhood and motherhood. Woman is like

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the church because she receives and carries the Word within

her (Luke 1:38) and brings life into the world in keeping

with God's will. This is the highest thing that can be said of

a human being.

A woman's love is different from a man's. It is more

steady, more in keeping with her loyal nature. It is dedicated

to protecting and guiding all those in its care. Man's love, on

the other hand, seeks others out and challenges them. It is

the pioneering love of the apostle, of Christ's representative:

"Go out and gather! Teach all people. Submerge them in

the atmosphere of God, in the life of God the Father, the

Son, and the Holy Spirit" (Matt. 28:18-20). But man's task,

like woman's, is always bound together with the task of the

church.

Both Paul and Peter point out that man is the head of

woman, not in himself but in Christ (1 Cor. 11:3). This does

not mean that the man is "higher"; the fact that woman is

taken from man and man is born of woman shows that they

are dependent on each other in every respect (1 Cor. 11:11-

12). Again, the gifts and responsibilities of one are worth no

more than those of the other; they are simply different. In

the true order of marriage, both husband and wife will find

their rightful place, but neither will rule the other. Love and

humility will rule.

It belongs to the evil of our day that both men and women

avoid the responsibilities given them by God. Women rebel

against the inconvenience of pregnancy and the pain of birth,

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and men rebel against the burden of commitment to the

children they father and to the woman who bears them. Such

rebellion is a curse on our time. It will lead future generations

astray. Woman was designed by God to have children, and a

true man will respect and love his wife all the more because

of this. Peter admonishes us:

You husbands must conduct your married life with

understanding: pay honor to the woman's body, not only

because it is weaker, but also because you share together in

the grace of God which gives you life. Then your prayers will

not be hindered (1 Pet. 3:7).

It is clear that the difference between man and woman is not

absolute. In a true woman there is courageous manliness,

and in a true man there is the submission and humility of

Mary. Yet because the man is the head, in a true marriage

he will give the lead, even if he is a very weak person. This

must not be taken as if man were an overlord and woman

his servant. If a man does not lead in love and humility - if

he does not lead in the spirit of Jesus - his headship will

become tyranny. The head has its place in the body, but it

does not dominate.

At weddings in our Bruderhof communities the bridegroom

is always asked if he is willing to lead his wife "in everything

that is good," which simply means to lead her more deeply

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to Jesus. In the same way, the bride is asked if she is willing

to follow her husband. It is simply a matter of both of them

following Jesus together.

True leadership means loving service.

In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul points to the self-sacrificing

love that lies in true leadership: "Husbands, love your wives,

just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"

(Eph. 5:25). This task, the task of loving, is actually the task

of every man and woman, whether married or not.

When we take Paul's words to heart, we will experience

the true inner unity of a relationship ruled by love - an inner

speaking of the heart to God from both partners together.

Only then will God's blessing rest on our marriages. We will

constantly seek our beloved one anew and continually look

for ways to serve each other in love. Most wonderful of all,

we will find everlasting joy. As the church father Tertullian

writes:

Who can describe the happiness of a marriage contracted

in the presence of the church and sealed with its blessing?

What a sweet yoke it is which here joins two believing people

in one hope, one way of life, one vow of loyalty, and one

service to God! They are brother and sister, both busy in the

same service, with no separation of soul and body, but as two

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in one flesh. And where there is one flesh, there is one spirit

also. Together they pray, together they kneel down: the one

teaches the other, and bears with the other. They are joined

together in the church of God, joined at the Lord's table,

joined in anxiety, persecution, and recovery. They vie with

each other in the service of their Lord. Christ sees and hears,

and joyfully does he send them his peace, for where two are

gathered together in his name, there is he in the midst of

them.16

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The Sacredness of Sex

Marriage should be honored by all, and the

marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the

adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Hebrews 13:4

There are two dangers in sex: on the one hand, fear of

the self-surrender or closeness that a physical relationship

requires, and fear that sex is dirty and shameful; on the

other, unbridled lust and sin. Clearly, the sexual sphere is

not incorruptible. Even in marriage its potential blessings

become dangers if it is entered in isolation from God, who

created it. Instead of passion there is naked lust, instead of

tenderness there is aggression and even brutality, and instead

of mutual self-giving there is uncontrollable desire.

The church should never be silent about this (1 Cor. 5:1-

5). The spirit of impurity is always waiting to tempt us, and it

will slip into the sanctuary of marriage whenever we open the

door to it. Once impurity has entered a marriage, it becomes

more and more difficult to keep focused on God's love, and

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easier and easier to bypass one another and succumb to evil

temptations.

We must never underestimate the power of the impure

spirits that drive people to do evil, even within marriage.

Once under their control, sex quickly loses its nobler qualities

and deteriorates into something cheap. What was created as a

wonderful gift from God becomes a sinister, life-destroying

experience. Only repentance can bring about healing and

restoration.

Through the marriage act,

an unparalleled uniting can take

place.

We can recognize the true nature of the sexual sphere most

clearly when we can see its sacredness as the fulfillment of

wedded love sanctioned by God. It is the same with the act of

sexual intercourse itself, the moment in which marital love

comes to its fullest physical expression. Because intercourse

is such a powerfully dramatic experience, it is vital that it be

anchored in God. If sex is not recognized as a gift from God

and subordinated to him, it can become an idol. Entered with

reverence, however, it "awakens that which is most intimate,

most sacred, most vulnerable in the human heart."17

In a true marriage, sex is guided by more than the

desires of each partner: it is guided by the love that binds

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both partners together. When each partner gives himself in

complete surrender to the other, a uniting of unparalleled

depth takes place. It will not be just "physical love"; it will

be the expression and fulfillment of total love, an act of

unconditional giving and deep fulfillment.

It is a remarkable and wonderful experience to give oneself

physically to another person. Orgasm, the climax or peak of

physical uniting, is a powerful and shaking experience and

has a forceful effect on the spirit. Here, the experience of the

body is so forceful that it is difficult to distinguish it from

the experience of the spirit. In rhythmic harmony of heart

and body, two human beings reach the highest peak of the

joy of love. In total union, both are lifted out of their own

personalities and joined in the closest community possible.

At the moment of climax a person is, so to speak, swept

away - engulfed so completely that the sense of being an

independent person is momentarily submerged.

Physical union should always

express unity of heart and soul.

We can never have too much reverence for the marriage

act. Even if we reject prudishness, a feeling of reticence

will make us wary of speaking about it to others. Of course,

a man and woman united in marriage must be able to talk

openly with each other, even about the most intimate things.

But they will never do this without the reverence that springs

from their love for each other.

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It is of prime importance that a couple does not go to bed at

night without having turned first to Jesus. It is not necessary

to use many words; Jesus always knows what we mean and

what we need. We must not only thank him but also seek his

guidance - if we do not knock at his door, he cannot guide

us. The same, of course, is true at the start of the day.

If our marriage is grounded in Jesus and his love and

purity, we will find the right relationship to each other on

every level. Here we must heed Paul's warning, "If you are

angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin; do not let the

sun go down on your anger, and do not give a foothold to the

devil" (Eph. 4:26-27). Prayer is crucial in reconciling the

differences that arise in the marriage relationship. To unite

physically when there is no unity of spirit is hypocrisy. It is

a desecration of the bond of love.

Physical uniting should always express the full uniting

of spirit and soul; it should never be a means of bodily

satisfaction alone. In Jesus, every physical act of love is

a mutual giving of self, a sign of resolve to live for one

another. It has nothing to do with power or the idea of sex as

conquest.

Anyone who uses his partner merely to satisfy himself

insults his own dignity and the dignity of his partner. He

is using sex for a selfish purpose. This is why the Bible

regards it as sin when a man withdraws from his wife before

climax and allows his semen to "fall on the earth" (Gen. 38:9-

10). Of course, if this happens against his will, prematurely,

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or in a dream, then it is not a sin. For the same reason, oral

and anal intercourse are also sinful. Because they are driven

only by the selfish desire for sexual excitement, these forms

of sex are in reality forms of mutual masturbation.

True sexual fulfillment is found

in mutual submission.

Sexual desire may be relatively dormant in a newly married

couple, especially when neither partner has engaged in

premarital sex or been addicted to masturbation. In fact, a

husband may even need to awaken the urge for intercourse

in his bride. Because this may take time, he should be very

patient and initiate sexual union only when his wife is ready.

For a virgin, the first intercourse can be painful and may

cause minor bleeding. This is no cause for alarm, yet a

husband should be aware of his wife's discomfort.

A true husband will have enough love for his wife to

consider her state of readiness and not hurry intercourse

because of his own impatience. Because he is concerned not

merely with his own satisfaction, he will be sensitive to the

fact that often more time is needed for a woman to reach

climax than for a man, and after intercourse, he will not go

happily to sleep while his wife lies awake with feelings of

deep disappointment or frustration.

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The sexual happiness of a woman is often more dependent

than a man's on the accompanying circumstances of their

union; on the unity she feels between herself and her husband,

and in little acts of kindness or affectionate words. It does

not consist only in the climax. Simply being together with

her beloved may give her the deepest sense of fulfillment.

A couple should not be afraid to prepare one another for

physical union. Loving stimulation is a strong affirmation

of mutual unity, and in addition to increasing readiness,

it nurtures confidence and envelops a couple with a

feeling of security. Both husband and wife must learn

what pleases and stimulates their partner. Writing about

women, for instance, von Gagern says, "There are areas

of the body that are especially responsive to fondling -

the mouth, the breasts, under the arms, the spine - but a

couple's own unique love for each other will continually

guide them anew."18

As self-discipline, abstinence

can deepen a couple's love.

Physically, intercourse is always possible, but a husband

should be ready to abstain for the sake of his wife's health,

especially before and after she gives birth. As a marriage

counselor I have always recommended abstinence during

menstruation and for at least six weeks before the birth of

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a child. I also recommend that couples abstain as long as

they are able after a birth, so that the mother can recover

both physically and emotionally. Because every couple is

different, it is hard to suggest a time frame; the important

thing is consideration. If a husband is truly considerate of his

wife, he will be willing to discipline himself by abstaining as

long as possible (1 Thess. 4:3-5). In such times of abstinence,

out of love for her husband, the woman must be careful not

to arouse him sexually.

Naturally, the love between man and wife - between two

who live together, sleep together, and belong together - will

make it much harder for them to abstain than for a single

person. All the more, they must be on guard against coming

close to one another in a sexual way and then avoiding

intercourse.

One unfounded but prevalent idea is that abstinence must

be fundamentally negative or frustrating. If born out of love,

it can actually create a deeper, more enriching relationship. It

can even have a healing affect. John Kippley, the director of

a national ministry to couples, tells how a woman he knows

who was abused by her father experienced healing through

her husband's consideration of her needs. "Because of his

restraint," she told John, "I was able to discover for the first

time that I was more than my body. I could be loved without

having to perform sexually. I had true value as a person, not

just as an object of satisfaction."

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As a woman approaches middle-age, it is not unusual for

her joy or interest in sexual intercourse to diminish. This can

be hard for the man, yet he must see that his love for his

wife does not decrease. Wives, for their part, should give

themselves in love to their husbands as they are able, even

if their joy in doing so is not the same as it was in earlier

years (1 Cor. 7:3-4). Otherwise a husband may be tempted

to seek other outlets for his sexual impulses. The main thing

is that there is always unity of spirit and soul before physical

uniting and that, when abstinence is necessary, it does not

become an occasion for love to grow cold. Paul writes:

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a

time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come

together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of

your lack of self-control (1 Cor. 7:5).

Abstinence, then, may be best approached with fasting and

prayer - as a self-discipline. When willingly accepted in this

way, it can unite a couple more deeply than ever.

In the end, everything in a marriage depends on the

commitment of both partners to Jesus and on their willingness

to follow his leading. Couples should remember that it was

God who joined them together, and only he can keep them

together, especially in difficult times. Jesus says, "Whoever

loses his life will gain it" (Luke 9:24). The same is true in

Christian marriage: insofar as both partners are willing to

surrender themselves again and again to each other and

to Christ, they will find the true fulfillment of unity and

freedom.

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Parenthood and

the Gift of Children

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this

is right. "Honor your father and mother so that

it may go well with you and so that you may

enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not

exasperate your children; instead, bring them

up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Ephesians 6:1-4

We live in a world where the structure of family life is

undergoing profound changes, in rich and poor countries

alike. The concept of family as a stable, cohesive unit is

fast becoming outdated. We are even afraid to define what a

family is because we do not want to offend anyone.

For years, psychologists have warned of the effects of

broken marriages, teen pregnancies, violent homes, and other

social ills, but their warnings have been given in vain. Now

we are reaping a bitter harvest. All this makes it more urgent

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than ever for us to rediscover God's original intent in creating

man and woman, and in blessing them with children.19

Having children today requires

courage.

Modern society despises the family. It is difficult for a family

with several children to find a house, and in many places

it is impossible to rent an apartment, even if there is only

one child. Children are simply not wanted. Many people

think it regrettable to leave jobs or other pursuits to have

children, and they often look down on women who choose

to stay at home to raise children instead of pursuing a more

"acceptable" career.

Having children in these times certainly takes great

courage, but that is what faith means: not knowing what lies

ahead, and yet still trusting that God has his hand over all

things and will have the final say. More than ever, parents

need to trust God. The health of a society (and the health

of any church or movement within society) depends on the

strength of its marriages. Where there is reverence for God,

there are strong and stable families, but as soon as this is

lost, there is rapid disintegration and decline.

Those who know what it means to see a child smile for

the first time, to love him or her, and to feel love in return

know something of the greatness of God and the nearness of

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eternity in each child. They know that their child is like no

other, and that no child could replace this one in their hearts.

They will also realize what an awe-inspiring responsibility it

is to bring a child into the world - a responsibility that only

grows with the child - and will sense that they are too weak

and sinful to bring up even one child in their own strength.

But our recognition of inadequacy should not lead us to

despair. It should make us realize how dependent we are on

grace. Only the adult who stands like a child before the grace

of God is fit to raise a child.

On what basis should a family be

built?

If we think of starting a family, our first question should be:

on what foundation? Complete dedication to Christ and his

church is the only dependable foundation. On him alone can

we build a rich and fulfilled family life that will withstand

the forces that attack it from outside.

It is the task of every couple to bring up their children on

God's behalf, to represent the creator. For the small child

especially, father and mother stand for God. That is why

the commandment to honor father and mother is so vital to

the upbringing of every child from the start. Without it, the

commandment to honor God has no real meaning. Actually,

every child has an instinctive longing for the security of

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father, mother, and God. It is terrible, then, when parents do

not fulfill this longing, when they see parenting merely as a

role and are not truly fathers or mothers. Children will sense

such hypocrisy wherever it occurs, and they will become

resentful, bitter, and rebellious as they grow older.

The same is true if a couple lives in dissension - if a

woman does not support her husband's task as head of the

family, for example, or if a man does not love and honor

his wife. When children cannot find a picture of God in

their parents, they have trouble finding a secure and healthy

foundation for their later lives. They may even experience

emotional difficulties.

Recently I counseled a family I have known since their

four children were very young. The parents had all the right

intentions, yet they were divided over whose role it was to

lead the family. While visitors and outsiders were presented

with a peaceful enough picture, within the family tensions

and rivalry developed. As their children grew up, the parents

were too disunited to lead them properly, and thereby set a

poor example for them to follow.

Now their children are adults. They are all lovable, bright,

and talented, yet they are floundering. Because their parents

never dealt with the elements of mistrust and disunity in

their marriage, these young adults now find it very hard to

trust anyone. Like their parents, it is difficult for them to be

sincere and honest with themselves, and they always need

to feel in control. Sadly, they don't realize how this cuts

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them off from other people, and they have become lonely

and disillusioned. Worst of all, they are wholly unrealistic

in their expectations and seem to think the world owes them

success.

It is of greatest importance that from the first day of a

child's life he or she is surrounded by love and by reverence

for God. To the same degree that children experience the

love their parents have for each other, they will find the inner

security they need in order to develop and grow.

In questions of discipline, it is best if a husband and wife

are fully agreed as to what they expect in terms of behavior.

Children should not have to decide which parent is right.

Their position should be one of trust, not judgment. They

look for consistent boundaries and for the security that

comes from unity, love, and mutual respect. These things are

the basis of true love for children.

Children need living examples,

not religious words.

The first five years of a child's life are formative, and therefore

the best time for parents to bring Jesus and the gospel alive to

their children. This can be done quite simply by telling them

about Jesus' birth, death, and resurrection. All these things

can move the hearts of children at a surprisingly young age

and awaken in them a love for God and for Jesus.

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We cannot bring our children to Jesus, however, if he is

only a figure in our Bibles. Children will always want to

come to Jesus, but they will instinctively rebel against false

piety. As Blumhardt once put it, "If we try to drag children

into the kingdom by means of our religiosity, they will flee

from our pious homes as fast as they are able."20 Therefore we

should be careful not to put our children under any religious

pressure or plague them with talk about sins they can neither

understand nor commit. We want them to have a childlike

attitude toward God, toward Jesus, and toward the Bible. It

is of no use, for instance, to make children learn even the

shortest passages of Scripture if God does not speak directly

into their little hearts. Rather than try to "teach" children

faith, it is much better for their parents to live their faith by

example in a spontaneous, genuine way. When our children

see that we, their parents, rely on God for everything - when

they see us thank him and obey his commands - they will

feel an inner urge to pray and to follow him of their own

accord.

Our task is to guide our children,

not control them.

Raising children requires daily discipline, but we should

never forget that caring for them in God's stead means

guiding, not controlling, them. Children must be encouraged

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to overcome themselves and look beyond their little worlds

from a very early age, and they must learn to love and respect

others. They cannot be left to swing with every mood and

follow every selfish whim without restraint. Clear directions

and consistent boundaries are always necessary. In fact,

discipline is the greatest love we can show them (Heb.

12:10-11). But it is never loving to coerce or crush them.

We must remember that every child is a thought of God

(Ps. 139:13-17) and try to understand why it is said that "a

little child will lead them" (Isa. 11:6). In guiding our children,

we cannot and should not try to shape them according to

our own intentions or plans. We should not force on them

anything that has not been born into them, awakened from

within, or given them by God. God has a specific intent for

each child; he has a plan for every one, and he will hold to

it. Our task is to help each child find God's purpose for him

and fulfill it.

Carrying out this task means continually exercising selfdenial

in our own human efforts to lead a child. Sometimes,

it may mean refraining from tearing children away from their

own thoughts. Blumhardt notes how quickly we hurt our

relationship with children when we interrupt their thoughts

and happy disposition and attempt to influence them by

our ideas or advice: "When left undisturbed,

children learn

obedience and respect best of all."21

Naturally, we must be on guard against permissiveness.

Flabbiness is often a fruit of an unhealthy emotionalism

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between parent and child. It inhibits the childlike spirit

because it subjects the child to the spinelessness of an adult

who has lost the clarity of Christ. We must always watch that

our children are free from such false ties.

True authority strengthens

and stimulates a child.

Children must never feel ill-used if spoken to or admonished

sharply. They need to learn to take themselves in hand and

face up to what has happened when they are shown to be in the

wrong. They should not give half-answers that could mean

this or that. Yet even if a certain sharpness toward children

is healthy, impatience is not, especially when it results in

corporal punishment. That, Eberhard Arnold writes, is a

"declaration of bankruptcy."

We reject both the harshness of physical punishment and

the power of manipulation: both are forms of authoritarianism

that fail to take the child seriously as a bearer of God's image.

The one fails in mercy, and the other in honesty. Both fail

in love. True authority stimulates and strengthens what is

good in each child by leading him to make his own decisions

between right and wrong. Only when we lead children by

trusting them and loving them will they feel the desire to

struggle against the evil that tries to work in them and in

each of us.

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I thank God that I had a father who could be very strict

with us children when necessary. Like any child, I rebelled

at times against his strictness, but I always knew it was a

sign of his love for me. From early childhood on, our parents

instilled in us children the value of the fifth commandment,

to honor father and mother. We knew that if we did not love

and honor them, we were actually dishonoring God.

As for my mother, my father insisted that we children show

her respect. He would not tolerate disobedience to her. Only

in later years did I realize his wisdom. It is the father's task

to uphold respect toward the mother, since she carries the

weightier burden in raising their children, especially when

they are small and sick.

Though my father could be stern, I never once felt

threatened by him. Whenever he reprimanded me for doing

something wrong, I could count on his complete forgiveness

and love once I had accepted my responsibility and wanted

to make amends. I knew that the wrong I had done would be

forgotten, and that I would be able to make a fresh start.

My father showed me the significance of loving authority,

an authority that only God can give. In each child's heart is

a longing to hear a "no" when a "no" is needed, and a desire

to set things right when he knows he has done something

wrong. True parental authority gives inner security to a

child, because it provides the child with the stability of set

boundaries.

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Most fathers and mothers do not intentionally mislead their

children, and when they do mislead them without meaning

to, they are no less likely to suffer the consequences than

their children. Some parents are confident about their childrearing

abilities, and others are not, but there are times when

both will throw up hands. When this is the case, it is vital

that they find the humility to ask someone for help - whether

a close friend, relative, a teacher, or a trusted pastor or

family counselor. Of course, such help must be enlisted in

such a way that it reassures the child in question - and not

at the expense of a relationship with him or her. It is vital

to remember that even the best expert assistance may, at

the end of the day, be a hindrance - not a help. I say this

because ultimately, "successful" parenting is not a matter of

capability or wisdom, but of grace. My father writes in this

regard:

Christ calls us to become like children, and this means we

must drop everything and become completely dependent on

God and on one another. If we as parents love God with all

our heart and soul, our children will have the right reverence

for us, and we will also have reverence for our children and

for the wonderful mystery of becoming and being a child.

Reverence for the spirit that moves between parent and child

is the basic element of a happy family life.22

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The Purity

of Childhood

Whoever becomes humble like this child is the

greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever

welcomes one such child in my name welcomes

me. If any of you put a stumbling block before

one of these little ones who believes in me, it

would be better for you if a great millstone

were fastened around your neck and you were

drowned in the depth of the sea.

Matthew 18:4-6

Jesus' words tell us what great value the soul of a little child

has in the eyes of God. Spiritually, every child is close to

the throne of God, to the heart of God, and every child has

a guardian angel who "always sees the face of the Father in

heaven" (Matt. 18:10).

When a baby comes into the world it is as though he or she

brings the pure air of heaven along. At every birth we feel

that something of God is born, that something of eternity has

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come down to us. The innocence of a child is an enormous

blessing.

The childlike spirit must be

protected - but also nurtured.

In spite of the innocence of every child, however, there is

also an inclination to sin in each one (Prov. 22:15). That is

why it is such a terrible sin to lead a child astray. Children

are corrupted not only by intentionally misleading them

to sin, but by exposing them to anything that violates the

atmosphere of innocence around them and deprives them of

their childlikeness. So many of the images to which children

are exposed today - at home on television, at shopping

malls, and at school - are created by adults obsessed with

sex, violence, power, and money. Is it any wonder that they

lose their childlike spirit and childhood itself while they are

still children?

The best thing we can do for our children is to see that

the whole atmosphere in which they live is filled with the

spirit of purity and ruled by love. The inner education of

children - the task of leading them to respect and to love

God, their parents, their teachers, and everyone around

them - is a holy privilege. Here it is of utmost importance

that we pray for God's spirit to arouse our children's wills

for what is pure, genuine, and good. Guiding children to do

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what is good is far more important than teaching them to

recite verses or to say prayers which may not come from

the heart. That is why my church avoids formal religious

instruction as such. We feel that children can learn to love

God best through simple songs and through stories from the

Bible, and through the daily example of adults around them

who love each other.

In leading children to Jesus it is important that we ourselves

have a childlike attitude toward his commandments and

sayings, toward the angel-world, and toward the Bible as

a whole. How very quickly and simply children take these

things into their hearts!

We can also bring our children to God through the world

around them, by helping them to sense him in all they see - in

sun, moon, and stars; birds and animals; trees and flowers;

mountains and thunderstorms. Every child wants to live in

nature and with nature, and in every child there is a love

for the earth, a joy in the starry sky, and a warm fondness

for everything living. To a child, the world of God and his

angels is often much closer and more real than we suspect.

Through nature and through the Bible, children will

encounter suffering and death at an early age. While it is

important for us to teach them to have a heart for those

who suffer, it is equally important not to burden or frighten

them. In general, too many facts about the cycle of life - of

reproduction, birth, and death - can harm a child's inner

experience of God's world. Birth and death are mysteries

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that can only be understood in relationship to God, and there

is danger of irreverence in saying to much.

In this respect, we need to have a greater awe and reverence

for pregnancy and childbirth. It is not without reason that

Jesus compares the end times and the coming of a new

world with a mother in labor, and the tremendous joy of the

new life after all the pain and agony. Whenever a couple is

expecting a child, a deep mystery is present. We can do great

inward harm whenever we joke about pregnancy or draw too

much attention to it. A quiet, humble anticipation will instill

a natural reverence in children for God's gift of new life.

Concerning sex, especially, it is simply not necessary for

a child or even an adolescent to know everything. It is all

too easy to destroy our children's sense of the sacredness

and mystery of life with too much discussion and exposure.

Today as never before, parents must be alert to the insidious

dangers of our sex-crazed culture, which can all too easily

infiltrate our homes - through what we and our children see,

hear, and read.

I am not in any way suggesting that children be brought up

ignorant of the basic facts of life. I only mean that these things

should never be separated from the world of God. The main

thing is that we do not disturb the purity of childhood - the

natural relationship of every child to his or her creator.

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Education means rousing a child to choose right over wrong.

To protect the purity of children means to win them for the

good. It is wrong to suppose that a child is not tempted to

evil. As parents we must always be ready to fight evil in

our children, whether it takes the form of lying, stealing,

disrespect, or sexual impurity. But we must do this without

too many rules (Col. 2:20-22). Moralism, which always

involves suspicion and mistrust, ruins the childlike spirit.

Obedience is never enough. Compliance alone does not build

a child's character. On the one hand, children cannot be left

unprotected to fall prey to whatever evil comes their way. On

the other hand, we should not discourage them by constantly

haranguing them about their faults. True education does not

mean molding or squelching a child with constant criticism.

It means rousing him or her to choose right over wrong.

Even from a very early age, we must be careful not to

spoil our children. Spoiling leads to selfishness, lack of selfcontrol,

and deep discontent; in other words, it leads to sin.

Parents who spoil their children often confuse love with

emotionalism. They think they will win their children by

clinging to them, but in actual fact they only hinder them from

developing into healthy, independent beings. To treat one's

children as one's emotional property is to lack reverence for

them as images of God in their own right.

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Among older children, disrespect toward peers, educators,

and parents is not uncommon. Disrespect shows itself in

many ways. Among boys it may take the form of machismo

(which is mostly a cover-up for cowardice, and is only

displayed when others are present) or a lack of consideration

for others, or irreverent or destructive behavior. Singing

may be despised as effeminate, signs of affection to babies

may be scoffed at, and everything religious or moral is apt

to be mocked. Among girls disrespect often shows itself in

cruel gossip or backbiting, secrecy, and over-sensitivity to

criticism.

Because children who demonstrate such tendencies are

insecure, they are susceptible to peer pressure and will

often turn to the support of a clique. Parents and teachers

need to be alert to this, because the exclusive nature of even

the friendliest clique is never healthy. The best antidote to

cliquishness is positive guidance, care, and genuine interest

in each child.

Every child instinctively longs

for a good conscience.

The question of sexual impurity in children needs special

sensitivity and discernment. My father writes:

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How to fight against sin in children is a very difficult question.

If there are indecencies, for example, which mostly begin with

children exposing themselves to each other and sometimes

touching each other, the child will feel instinctively that this is

not right. These indecencies almost always involve lying. We

must be careful not to make too much of such things among

children. It may only draw their attention to the sexual area all

the more. The best thing, perhaps, is to admonish them and so

close the matter, and then help them to think of other things.

We grown-ups too easily forget that many things do not

mean the same to a child as they do to us, and we must

never project our ideas and feelings and experiences onto a

child's mind (Titus 1:15). We must also never forget that it

is in a certain way natural for children to go through periods

of sexual curiosity. This cannot be mistaken for sin. But we

should lead our children in such a way that their souls remain

pure and innocent. Too much questioning can harm a child,

because through fear he or she may become more and more

entangled in lies.

It is a great injustice to label children or adolescents,

especially those who have offended in the sexual area. In our

assessment of childish offenses, we should beware of coming

too quickly to harsh conclusions about a child's character or

future development. Rather, we should help him or her to find

new interests and to make a joyful new beginning.

We know that we can find the way to the heart of any

child by appealing to the conscience. Every child has an

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instinctive, heartfelt longing for a pure conscience, and we

should support this longing so that he or she does not suffer

from a burdened conscience.

There is a certain point at which children are no longer

children in the true sense of the word. The moment they

sin consciously, they cease to be children. It is then the task

of parents and teachers to help them find repentance, the

experience of Jesus on the cross, and a conversion that leads

to the forgiveness of sins. Through the cross a lost childhood

can be restored.

Purity, like impurity,

is learned by example.

For parents, the importance of seeking a relationship of

trust with their children from earliest childhood cannot be

emphasized enough. We cannot wait for problems that may

only arise around the age of five or six. If we do not build

relationships with our children while they are still young, we

may never gain the trust and respect necessary to solve the

more serious problems that will come with adolescence.

The years between thirteen and twenty-one are especially

crucial, of course, since it is during these years that children

become increasingly aware of their sexuality. How easy it is

for parents - and whole churches - to turn a blind eye to the

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teenagers right in front of them and to fail them miserably

simply by ignoring them. How different our American high

schools would be if parents took time for their teenagers!

Plenty of parents warn them about alcohol, drugs, and sexual

experimentation, but how many take time on a regular basis

to guide their children's interests and encourage them to use

their time creatively, to do more than watch the latest videos

or hang out at the mall? Committed parents will remain in

close contact with their children throughout the ups and

downs of adolescence. Fathers will be not only fathers to

their children - they will be comrades and friends as well;

mothers will be the same.

Young people always need someone to confide in. Whether

it is a parent, pastor, counselor, or friend, there must be

someone they trust with whom they can freely share their

joys or struggles, and with whom they can talk openly about

sex without shame or embarrassment.

Today's teenagers are simply presented with too many

options. Our culture believes variety is the key to freedom;

but far from it, it may be the key to confusion. Too few

people are willing to warn teenagers of the painful emotional

scars that follow on the heels of uncommitted sexual activity.

There are even fewer who are able to point them to the hope

of forgiveness after they have failed.

For this reason, trusted role models are especially needed.

Children spend more time than ever on their own; across

the social spectrum, latchkey kids are increasingly common.

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It is no accident that today's children have been dubbed by

some experts as "Generation Alone," or that studies assign

words like "abandoned," "alienated," and "alone" to describe

them.

Lest we forget, purity, like impurity, is learned first and

foremost by example (Titus 2:6-8). Children need to see

that the love between their parents is indissoluble, and to

know that certain looks, touches, and words of affection are

appropriate only between a married man and woman. They

need to see that physical intimacy belongs to marriage alone

and that experimentation of any sort beforehand will only

stain a later marriage. They certainly need to be spared the

confusion and pain of broken relationships and sexual sin in

or among adults around them.

That is why it is so important that the church has a central

place in family life. Children must be able to see living

examples of purity not only in their parents, but in everyone

around them, whether married or single.

The best safeguard against sin is love.

Purity can never be fostered in a vacuum. Our children and

youth need to gain a heart for Jesus and his cause of peace

and social justice. When their hearts are filled with God and

inspired for his cause, they will instinctively react against

evil. When we lead them to recognize the needs of others, they

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will long to reach out in love. The idea that children have no

social conscience, no feeling for the suffering, injustice, and

guilt of our world is simply not true - this can only happen if

they are brought up in an artificial environment that revolves

around their own comfort and pleasure. When genuine

children come face to face with the need of others, or when

they see others reaching out to the needy, they will have an

inner urge to extend their own love in practical ways.

The best safeguard against sin is always love. Love

binds together all the virtues in perfect unity (Col. 3:14).

Love is the message we need to bring to our children

and youth, most importantly by demonstrating love in

everything we ourselves say and do. So many young people

today live for themselves and for their own interests.

They work hard to get good grades, to excel in sports, to

win the recognition earned by a scholarship - all of which

is commendable. But how many of them care about their

neighbors or the need of the world around them? We need

to challenge and stretch our youth to interact with others,

especially with others of different faiths and backgrounds.

Often parents try to protect their teenagers by anxiously

shielding them from situations of impurity or violence,

especially at high school or in college. Yet perhaps what they

really need is the opposite: the opportunity to stand on their

own feet and witness to what they themselves - not just their

parents - believe.

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Our children need to reach out and learn what others of

their time are thinking and feeling. They need to relate to

their peers and to the burning social, political, and economic

issues of their day. They need to have a heart for the despair

of those who have turned to drugs and alcohol, and for those

who suffer from abusive relationships in the home. Without

the ability to understand and relate to others outside their

sphere, they will have no real connection to the world around

them and will never be given the opportunity to test their

own convictions.

We will never raise perfect children, but we firmly believe

that it is possible to raise children who will respond to our

guidance and discipline, in spite of the terrible corruption

and darkness of our age (Prov. 22:6). As long as we are able

to maintain a relationship of mutual respect and reverence,

we will find the way forward with our children. It will cost

a fight, sometimes a serious one, yet for the sake of a child's

soul, a battle is always worthwhile. Naturally, our children

may grow up to choose a path of life different from that

which we would have chosen for them. But if we pray to

Jesus for his guidance every day, we can be confident that he

will lead us and them.

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For Those

Considering Marriage

Train yourself to be godly. For physical

training is of some value, but godliness has

value for all things, holding promise for both

the present life and the life to come...Don't let

anyone look down on you because you are

young, but set an example in speech, in life, in

love, in faith, and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:8,12

It is shocking how casually, and with what selfishness

and naiveté, young men and women today plunge into

relationships and even into marriage. Yet how should young

people handle the natural attractions and friendships that

develop between them? What is the godly approach? How can

young men and women stay clear of the superficial eroticism

of our time and find truly free and natural relationships? And

how can they best prepare themselves for the responsibilities

and demands of marriage?

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Conventional dating cheapens

the meaning of commitment.

We should rejoice when there are friendships between

young men and women, and when there are opportunities

for positive mutual exchanges in their daily lives. To

have fear of what might go wrong among them is often

unwarranted, and a sign of mistrust. Young people need

opportunities to relate to each other in group settings where

they can work, share, sing, or relax together. To pair off

or form exclusive relationships is unhealthy and out of

place: in the church, young men and women should get to

know each other first as brothers and sisters. They must have

the freedom to be seen together without being subjected to

all sorts of gossip or speculation about their friendship. The

pressure caused by such talk inhibits freedom. It skews and

undermines everything that is good in a relationship.

It is typical of the immaturity of a young person to "fall

in love" first with one and then with another, like a bee

going from flower to flower. It is only natural to want to

search for "the right one"; but the church cannot tolerate the

continual forming and then dissolving of new relationships.

The casual attitude of a young man or woman who flits from

one boyfriend or girlfriend to the next is never right. It dulls

the conscience and cheapens the meaning of commitment.

The waves of emotional attraction that accompany every

friendship between a boy and a girl are perfectly normal, but

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if they are not placed under Christ, they can leave wounds

that may last a lifetime.

Because of this, my church rejects conventional dating. For

the most part, dating in our society has become a game - a

ritual of pairing off with a boyfriend or a girlfriend on the

basis of physical and emotional attraction. It is built on a

false understanding of friendship and often has little to do

with genuine love or faithfulness. In many instances, dating

is centered on an unhealthy preoccupation with personal

"image." And when it involves physical or sexual intimacy,

it can leave a conscience so heavily burdened that it takes

years to heal.

Vanity and superficiality go hand in hand with conventional

dating. So does flirting - drawing attention to oneself so as to

sexually attract another person. Flirting demonstrates inner

insecurity and unhappiness, and it is an insult to God.

In recent years more and more parents and churches

are seeking alternatives to conventional dating. Some, for

instance, are reviving the "old-fashioned" practice of courtship,

which emphasizes mentoring, familial involvement,

and character-enriching activities. Statistics also show that

dating on college campuses is on the decline. Many college

coeds now prefer to travel in "unpartnered packs," where

group activity and personal accountability are stressed. These

are indeed encouraging signs and they should encourage

parents, pastors, and church leaders to become even more

active and involved.

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Mutual feelings are not sufficient for building a lasting relationship.

How should a young man or woman find the right partner?

For a Christian the decisive factor should always be unity of

heart and soul in the Spirit. Both partners must feel that their

relationship leads them closer to Jesus, for his will alone

can bring together two people who are meant for each other.

Without Jesus and the special unity he gives between two

people, a couple will very likely not survive the storms and

struggles that are a part of every marriage, especially once

they have children.

Even when a young couple is sure that they want to enter

a more committed relationship, through engagement, for

instance, they should test their love for a time to see whether

it is merely the straw fire of romantic attraction, or whether

there is something deeper. Again, physical and emotional

attractions are natural, but they do not provide sufficient

ground on which to marry or found a family, and can never be

the deciding factors in making a commitment. A relationship

based only on these is a shallow one, and eventually it will

go to pieces. The real question should always be, "What

does God want for our life and future together?" His will is

the surest basis.

All of us have heard the saying, "It's what's on the inside

that counts," but whether we truly believe it is another

matter. Consciously or subconsciously, we have all judged

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other people on the basis of their physical appearance. In a

culture where it is normal to hear someone say, "She's a very

attractive young lady," or, "He's the good-looking one," and

so on, it never hurts to think about the subtle message we are

sending to those who are not described in this way.

The issue of judging people by their looks, or "lookism,"

is especially important for young couples considering

marriage. A young woman may single out the most handsome

guy around; or a young man, the prettiest girl in the bunch.

But what about their relationship ten or twenty years down

the road? Will they still love each other when he goes bald,

when she gets wrinkles or gains weight? Certainly physical

attraction is a part of every relationship, but it can never be

the basis for a life-long commitment of loyalty and love. As

Isaiah put it, "All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the

flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades..."

(Isa. 40: 6-7).

It is not easy to see with the eyes of the heart, particularly

when we are young. Yet we must ask God to give us this

special sight. If we open our hearts to his wisdom, we will

see beauty in every person we meet, and love each one as a

fellow being created in the image of God.

I have known Rose ever since she was a young girl. As

an adult, she met and fell in love with Tom. Tom is severely

crippled by cerebral palsy and has spent his entire life in

a wheelchair; all the same they married and now have two

lovely children. To Rose, Tom is the most wonderful man in

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the world. Others may see only his disabilities, but Rose sees

the beauty of his soul.

Victor and Hilda, a British-born couple from my

community, lived into their nineties. Married in their

twenties, they remained deeply in love to the end. Hilda was

not beautiful in the worldly sense: by her seventies she was

severely stooped, and a nervous twitch disfigured the right

side of her face. Yet to Victor, she was always "my princess."

Their love was grounded in something far deeper than

appearance.

During the thirty years I have spent counseling young

couples, many have shared their joys and struggles with

me, but I am still touched every time a young person turns

to me in trust. Not long ago a young woman wrote to my

wife to tell her about her deepening friendship with a young

man. Kate and Andy are both members of our church and

participate in our youth group. They are not special people,

but as their relationship continues to develop, a special gift is

being given to them - a firm footing for their shared seeking.

Kate writes:

From the start this has been an intensely inner experience,

and we have grown very close, especially through reading

the Bible and praying together. I would say, though, that the

biggest struggle has been to give up our romantic, emotional

idea of love, because it really has so little place. Occasionally

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our conversation has gotten on the level of human attractions,

and the effect of that is devastating because it undermines what

we have experienced together on an inner, spiritual level...But

when we keep God at the center, we find each other's hearts

much more deeply.

As we learn to know each other better, and know each

other's day-to-day struggles and failings, we are also able to

admonish and encourage each other. As a result, we both feel

closer to God. More and more clearly I see how a relationship

is not established once for all, but that it must be built on a

daily basis - brick by brick - and with a faith that is constant.

I am so thankful for the time Andy and I are sharing together,

so that we can really establish a firm foundation. And I am

also grateful that it has not all been smooth sailing, because

nothing worthwhile comes without a struggle.

Andy and Kate's story is encouraging: even in our time it is

still possible for young people to take their relationship to

each other so seriously that they seek to find God above all

else. In this connection we should remember Jesus' words,

"Seek first the kingdom of God, and then everything will be

added unto you."

If faith is the only firm foundation for Christian marriage,

it follows that each partner must make a commitment to

Christ and the church before making a commitment to each

other. Here the importance of baptism cannot be emphasized

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enough. As a confession of repentance for sin and as the

covenant of a clear conscience with God, baptism is one of

the greatest gifts a person can experience. I would even say

that without it, there is no secure foundation for a Christian

marriage.

Of course, no one should be baptized for the sake of

husband, wife, or children (Luke 14:26). Nor should the desire

for baptism be mixed with feelings of desire for a potential

marriage partner. If baptism is to have real meaning, it must

be the seal of deep repentance, conversion, and faith.

A healthy relationship needs time and

care.

Jesus says that we cannot serve two masters (Matt. 6:24).

He teaches us that when we trust God alone, and trust him

completely, he will provide for all our needs, including the

need for a partner. "Seek first the kingdom of God and his

righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as

well" (Matt. 6:33). This advice is important not only for those

who might be preoccupied with the question of marriage in

an unhealthy way, but for all of us.

I would never expect a young person to give up marriage

like the Apostle Paul did; the call to celibacy must be felt

from within. But unless marriage is God's will (and this

is often difficult to discern), every one of us should be willing

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to give it up (Phil. 3:8). When the light of Jesus breaks into

our life, we will find strength to surrender to him so radically

that everything will find its true proportion.

Contrary to the widely accepted belief that the healthiest

relationship is the most private one, we feel that engagement

and marriage are concerns of the whole church, not just of

the individuals involved. Therefore, when young men and

women in my church feel drawn to one another, I advise them

to turn first to their parents, and then to a pastor. From this

moment on their relationship is placed under the care of the

church. Our youth do not regard this step as an imposition,

nor do they feel they are being chaperoned. On the contrary,

they are grateful for the possibility of guidance in an area

where immaturity and impurity bring misery to many.

Naturally, this approach will only work in a congregation

ruled by love and trust, and every couple must decide how

it applies to their situation. For some, it may be hard to

understand the purpose of seeking guidance. Others may

shy away from the idea completely. Yet the simple lesson of

opening up to people one trusts deserves serious attention.

Ray and his fiancée, Helen, met at our church afew years

ago. Below, Ray shares their story:

Saturday nights, when I wasn't working late at Armani

Exchange, I'd go clubbing with a handful of friends. Or

maybe head for Third Street in Santa Monica, or just drive

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down to the pier and hang out. The scene rarely changed. Only

the girls. Nothing serious, never anything "going on" - just

someone to split the tab on a few rounds or hit the dance floor

with. Sometimes I'd meet someone I thought was special,

someone I wanted to see more of. We'd trade numbers, and

maybe arrange for the dinner-and-movie thing. It was all so

harmless, so effortless.

At least that's how I viewed it then, nearly three years ago,

before I got to know Helen.

Both of us grew up in the same church. We met as teenagers,

but though we both had feelings for each other, we did not

disclose these. After high school, we moved apart. She headed

for college, and landed a teaching job; I left for "the world."

But after a six-month stint as a volunteer overseas, a couple

semesters of college on the East Coast, and a year spent running

around Southern California, the nagging sensation that my

life was a farce finally cornered me. I had to admit what I

had tried to deny for so long - that an intense emptiness and

listlessness was masquerading behind my party-hard attitude.

My lifestyle did nothing to satisfy my desire for wholeness.

My encounters with others, particularly with women, were at

best superficial. Often, they were damaging.

For the first time in my life I realized how much I needed

the healing power that Christ alone can give. I knew I could

not find this on my own, that I needed the support of others I

could trust, so I returned home to my parents. Convinced that

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I wanted God to be the center of my life, I committed my life

to him and to the members of my church.

By then I'd made my parents and my pastor aware of my

feelings for Helen, and they advised me to let things develop

naturally, in God's time: "If your relationship is God's will, it

will happen, and no one will be able to stand in the way of it."

But they encouraged me to go ahead and talk with her.

I did. It didn't take long for us to realize that something was

happening between us. Neither of us would have dared call it

love at the time - it was too new, too precious. But as weeks

became months, we felt a deep connection growing between

us. We spent time together, sometimes with each other's

families, sometimes on our own. We would mull over issues

of faith, read from the Bible, pray, or just sit quietly together.

Later, when my job necessitated a move, we wrote to each

other almost every day.

As our friendship deepened, our openness grew. But

trust, we learned, takes time. At first, it was something of a

revelation to realize that we both had shortcomings. We could

hurt each other, and at times even betray the love taking shape

between us. Yet whenever we became entrenched in our own

narrowness, our parents and pastors were there to help guide

us through.

Of course, opening up to someone was sometimes

painful, even embarrassing - especially when things weren't

going smoothly. And the advice our parents or other church

members would give didn't always sit well with us. But

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once we discovered the incredible value of having trusted

people to confide in, we realized we were being granted an

opportunity for our relationship to unfold within a supportive

environment.

Now, as our wedding nears, we are grateful for the help

of others who have steered us toward Christ. Without them,

Helen and I would most likely never have found each other's

hearts. In our era, we know what a rare gift it is that our

relationship has been able to deepen without the pressures

caused by revolving around sex. And we know that no matter

what our future brings, Christ will remain our guide.

Ray and Helen's story illustrates how vitally important it

is for a couple to take plenty of time to get to know each

other inwardly before making any commitment. When two

people seek marriage, it is essential that they first strive to

discover all there is of God in each other. There are plenty

of wholesome activities a couple can find for this purpose:

reading, hiking, visiting each other's families, or participating

in a community service project together. Writing to each other

is also a good way to become acquainted on a deeper level.

In my experience, it is best if such correspondence starts out

in a non-binding way - as if from a brother to his sister and

vice versa. This is because emotional appeals about romantic

love and belonging together, far from providing a foundation

for the future, do the opposite: they obscure the discernment

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needed to discern whether or not a future commitment is

really God's will.

My church encourages young couples not only to

correspond by letter, but also to share these letters with

either a parent or pastor. Such openness may seem extreme,

but it allows for support and guidance, and is not resented.

One can only wonder how many marriages might be saved

if young couples everywhere had the humility to turn to their

parents (or any other married couple they trust) for advice,

even if not in this specific way.

Again, a healthy relationship cannot be rushed. Like a

flower, it must be allowed to open in God's time, not forced

in hopes of an early bloom. If a marriage is to last, it must be

built on a carefully laid foundation.

What matters most, in the decision

to marry, is God's will.

Honesty is fundamental to every true relationship. If a couple

does not feel that they are growing closer to each other and to

God, they must be open about it. Here the church, too, must

care enough about its members to be honest with them - to

help a couple discern if they are really meant for one another,

and to consider whether their friendship is bearing good fruit.

Even if no promise has been made, ending a relationship is

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painful. But better a painful end than the endless pain of a

relationship that leads nowhere.

Only when two young people, independently of each other

but with the input of their parents and minister, feel assured

over a period of time that they really belong together for life

are they ready to become engaged. Only when they feel in

the depth of their hearts that their partner is the person meant

for them, and that it is God alone who has led them together,

are they truly ready to make a bond for life.

Once engaged, most couples want to participate fully in

their love and express it actively in giving and receiving.

Their hearts are set on making each other as happy and

fulfilled as possible, and they feel ready to do anything

to bring this about. All the more, such couples must realize

that the powers of love are much greater than they themselves,

and they must ask God daily for the strength to discipline

themselves.

Long embraces, caressing, mouth-to-mouth kissing, and

anything else that might lead to sexual arousal should be

avoided. The desire for physical closeness between two

is natural, but instead of revolving around this desire, an

engaged couple should focus on getting to know each other

more intimately on an inner level and nurturing each other's

love to Jesus and the church.

When two people are getting to know each other, sexual

involvement inhibits the development of a well-founded

relationship. As soon as sex is on stage, it steals the show.

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Sexual excitement is progressive in its nature: once you

begin you are never satisfied in going back. When two

people intentionally arouse each other, they are engaging

in a form of foreplay. Whether they acknowledge it or not,

they are preparing themselves emotionally and physically

for intercourse. They are left with only two choices: to go

all the way, or to stop short and experience the emotional

frustration of being aroused and not satisfied. The desires

kindled within them cannot be appeased without sinning.

"Going halfway" is therefore harmful, because it interferes

with building lasting intimacy.

A marriage that starts with a conscience burdened by

unconfessed sin is a marriage without a stable foundation, and

it can be set right only through confession and repentance.

The health of a marriage depends on the ground in which it

grows. If it is sown in the soil of purity and faith, it will bear

good fruit and have God's blessing.

Try to grasp the spirit, not the letter, of what I have written.

Seek to understand each other's inmost heart, and turn to

Christ in absolute trust to seek his answer to every question.

He will never fail to lead you clearly.

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The Service

of Singleness

The disciples said to him, "If that is the situation

between a husband and wife, it is better not

to marry." To this Jesus replied, "That is

something which not everyone can accept,

but only those for whom God has appointed

it. For while some are incapable of marriage

because they were born so, or were made so

by men, there are others who have themselves

renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom

of heaven. Let those accept it who can."

Matthew 19:10-12

The gift of unity, whether with other people or with God,

does not depend in any way on marriage. In fact, the New

Testament teaches that a deeper dedication to Christ may be

found by giving up marriage for the sake of the kingdom of

God. Those who renounce everything for Jesus, including

the gift of marriage, are given a great promise by him: he

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will be especially near to them at his return (Rev. 14:1-5).

Whether such people find themselves without a life partner

because of abandonment, death, or lack of opportunity, they

can find a much greater calling than marriage if they are able

to accept their singleness in the depth of their hearts. They

can dedicate their lives in a special way to undivided service

for God's kingdom.

To live fully is to live for Christ.

Every man and every woman on earth who desires to

follow Christ must be completely transformed by him. This

challenge takes on a deeper meaning for those who are single

(for whatever reason) and who carry their singleness for

Christ's sake. Such a person will find a special relationship

to him.

A life lived for Christ is life in its fullest sense (John

10:10). We must never forget this; it is our deepest calling. If

we truly love Christ the Bridegroom with undivided hearts,

we will be immersed in him just as we are immersed in water

at baptism. If we live in Christ, our love for him will guide

our love to our brothers and sisters and to all those around

us.

The story of Francis of Assisi and his friendship with Clare

shows in a wonderful way the significance of brotherly and

sisterly love - even when it does not lead to marriage. When

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all of Francis's brothers and friends deserted him, he went

to Clare. In her he had a friend he could rely on. Even after

his death she remained loyal to him and continued to carry

out his mission, despite opposition. Here was a relationship

that had nothing to do with marriage but was still genuinely

intimate - a friendship of true purity and unity in God.

There will always be women and men like Clare and

Francis who remain unmarried for the sake of Christ. Yet we

must recognize that the gift of a relationship such as theirs is

not given to everyone. In struggling for purity, most single

people are no different from married people. Singleness is no

safeguard against impurity - in every heart, purity requires

constant watchfulness, a daily fight against the flesh, and a

firm attitude against sin.

If we allow him,

Jesus can fill every void.

The Scriptures never promise us the removal of temptation.

But we do have the assurance that it need not overcome

us (1 Cor. 10:13). If we prove ourselves in patience and

faithfulness, God will help us. This is not to say that it is

possible to keep pure by the strength of our own will. Yet by

the power of the Holy Spirit, and through the help of caring

friends and family members, it is possible to find freedom

and victory (Gal. 6:1-2).

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For those who do not find a partner in marriage but feel no

special calling to remain single for the sake of Jesus, there

is a danger of bitterness. If a deep yearning for marriage

remains unfulfilled, especially over a long period of time,

it can harden the heart. Then only God's grace can protect

the soul and enable it to let go - to give up marriage and still

find peace.

Cynthia, an unmarried woman in her mid-forties, offers

her insights on how to avoid an empty life and find lasting

fulfillment:

"Me, single for the rest of my life?" Many of us must face this

reality. Why? - because we have chosen to commit our lives

to God first. He needs tools that are unattached to family to

serve him. Does this mean less fulfillment, stunted growth,

withdrawal from full involvement in life? Not if one can

embrace, instead of rebel against, God's plan for one's life. In

fact, a dedicated life of service awaits those who sacrifice or

renounce marriage in order to keep themselves completely at

God's disposal.

Think of single people like the writer Amy Carmichael,

who traveled to India as a young missionary, not knowing

what kind of service God wanted of her. She soon had a

growing orphanage of children rescued from virtual slavery

in the clutches of the Hindu temple priests. Or think of Mother

Teresa, who founded an order of sisters to look after the

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poorest of the poor in Calcutta. Her order has spread all over

the world. Or think of Paul and others of the apostles who,

because they were single, were able to travel ceaselessly to

spread the Gospel.

Of course you don't have to be a missionary, nun, or

apostle to find fulfillment in a life of singleness. I could

have felt bitterness and frustration at not being married, but

instead I have found plenty of opportunities to serve others on

a daily basis right where I have been placed.

Almost weekly I visit inmates at the local jail. During my

last visit, the women in the jail were eager for bible study,

so we read the story of the Good Samaritan and talked about

its everyday applications. After a discussion of who could or

couldn't sing, we all joined in singing spirituals and hymns

like "Precious Lord" and "Amazing Grace."

Needless to say, not every evening is satisfying in this way.

Loneliness can be a real part in the life of any single person.

It may tempt one to self-pity, but like any temptation, it can

be refused. In her book Passion and Purity, Elisabeth Elliot

advises: "Accept your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one

stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always

last. Offer up your loneliness to God, as the little boy offered

to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes. God can transform it

for the good of others. Above all, do something for somebody

else!"

Here is the clue: service rendered to others. Teaching,

nursing, counseling, or visiting prisoners in jail - any of such

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activities can lead to a fulfilled life. For there are many hurting

people in the world who need an extra touch of love, and those

of us who are single are uniquely free to take up the task of

being there for them.

The process of letting go to one's own desires is never

easy, and it may at times weigh very heavily on a person.

But when single people are able to surrender their own

hopes and dreams completely, Jesus will fill the void that

might otherwise burden them. They will remember how he

ended his life on the cross, and they will find joy in bearing

singleness as their sacrifice for him. Those who continually

long for marriage, despite the fact that God has not given it

to them, can never attain this joy. Marriage is a great gift, but

to belong completely and undividedly to Christ is a greater

gift.

Ultimately, we have to be willing to be used by God as he

wills and find contentment in whatever circumstances we

find ourselves (Phil. 4:11-13). We should never think that

God does not love us. Such a thought is of the devil.

Naturally, no matter how dedicated a single person is,

he or she will still experience moments, days, even weeks,

of sadness and struggle. The knowledge that marriage and

children are beyond reach will always bring pangs of longing

and a sense of loss. But rather than dwell on these things, it

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is better (even if harder) to look to God and to turn to one's

brothers and sisters in the church. Bonhoeffer

writes:

Pain is a holy angel who shows us treasures that would

otherwise remain forever hidden; through him men and women

have become greater than through all the joys of the world. It

must be so and I tell myself this in my present situation over

and over again. The pain of suffering and of longing, which

can often be felt even physically, must be there, and we cannot

and need not talk it away. But it needs to be overcome every

time, and thus there is an even holier angel than the one of

pain; that is, the one of joy in God.24

Singleness can be accepted as

a burden - or as a higher calling.

Single men and women must not fall into the trap of estranging

themselves from life and love in bitterness. They must not

stifle what is best in themselves or give themselves over to

dreams or to desires that cannot be satisfied. They must not

let self-circling fantasies block the unfolding of all that God

has given them. If they are able to accept their singleness as

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a gift or a special calling, they will let none of their energy

or love go unused. Their longings will be fulfilled in giving:

in a stream of love that moves away from themselves, and

toward Christ and the church. As Paul says:

An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how

he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about

the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and

his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is

concerned about the Lord's affairs: her aim is to be devoted

to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman

is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can

please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to

restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided

devotion to the Lord (1 Cor. 7:32-35).

Earlier in the same letter, Paul refers to another blessing

of singleness: the lack of care and worry over spouse and

children, especially in times of hardship. "Those who marry

will have pain and grief in this bodily life, and my aim is to

spare you" (1 Cor. 7:28).

Widows, like the unmarried, are also able to serve the

church and the needy at times when a married person could

not. Paul says, "A woman who is really widowed and left

without anybody can give herself up to God in hope and

consecrate all her days and nights to petitions and meetings

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for prayer" (1 Tim. 5:5). In the early church in Jerusalem,

widows were appointed to serve the poor or entrusted

with other responsibilities. "In even the smallest church

community the overseer had to be a friend to the poor, and

there had to be at least one widow responsible to see to it, day

and night, that no sick or needy person was neglected."25

How sad it is that today it is very often the widows -and

other single women and men - who are themselves neglected

and lonely! May the church always be ready to meet the needs

of such people (1 Cor. 12:26). Especially with the collapse of

the family, we must find new ways to show single members

extra love and care and to involve them in the lives of their

families or fellowships. This does not mean pressing them

to find a spouse and then pitying them if they don't - that

will only add to their pain. It means welcoming their gifts

and services in the church, providing them with meaningful

tasks, and drawing them into the inner life of the church so

that they may find fulfillment.

No matter our state,

all of us are called to love.

Those of us who are married should recognize that our

happiness is a gift - something to be shared and passed on.

We should want to reach out to those who struggle with

feelings of loneliness. Most important, all of us, whether

married or single, should remember that true fulfillment and

joy is found in serving one another in the spirit of community.

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We are called to a love that gives unconditionally - not to

the grasping love of a cozy marriage nor to the indulging

love of isolated self-pity.

As Christians, we know that true love is found in its most

perfect form in Jesus. Many of us have been touched by Jesus,

or been called and used by him. But that is not enough. Each

of us must ask God to let us experience him personally - in

the very depths of our hearts. Our eyes must be fixed on him

and him alone so that we can see him as he really is, and not

grow weary and lose heart (Heb. 12:2-3).

The span of life is short, and as Paul warns us, the world in

its present form is passing away (1 Cor. 7:29-31). What we

need most in our time is Christ, but not only as a guide or an

image before our eyes. He must become a living force in our

daily lives. He said, "I came on earth to kindle a fire. How I

wish it were already burning!" (Luke 12:49)

Where is Christ most clearly revealed as he was and still

is? We must seek for him with our brothers and sisters. We

must ask that he is revealed today and every day among us.

More than that, we must ask for the courage to witness to

him before others just as he is, with tenderness, meekness,

and humility, but also in truth, clarity, and sharpness. We

must not add or take away anything. That is the essence of

single-heartedness, and the service of singleness.

The Spirit of

Our Age

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With or

Without God

Be imitators of God, therefore, and live a life of

love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself

up for us...Among you there must not be even

a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind

of impurity, or of greed, because these are

improper for God's holy people. Nor should

there be obscenity, foolish talk, or coarse

joking...Let no one deceive you with empty

words, for because of such things God's wrath

comes on those who are disobedient.

Ephesians 5:1-6

Throughout Scripture the covenant of God with

his people and the unity of Christ with his church is

compared to the union of marriage. In our culture,

however, marriage - the very thing we should honor and

celebrate most as love - has been attacked, dragged into

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the dirt, and destroyed by the spirits of impurity and

irreverence.

For many people today,

love is a delusion.

The desecration of love is one of the greatest tragedies

of our time. Increasingly, love is understood as nothing more

than selfish desire, and the satisfaction of this desire is seen

as fulfillment. People talk about sexual liberation but remain

trapped in bondage to their sexual desires; they talk about

true love but live in self-absorbed estrangement.

Our age is a

loveless age: relationships and hearts are broken everywhere,

millions of human lives are discarded almost before they

have begun, thousands of children are abused or abandoned,

and fear and mistrust abound even in supposedly healthy

marriages. Love has been reduced to base sex. Because of

this, it is nothing more than a delusion for many - short-lived

intimacy followed by gnawing emptiness and anguish.

How can we rediscover the real meaning of love? So

many things in the world today take away our belief in

lasting and unconditional love. So much of what has to do

with "love" these days really has to do with the excitement

and passion of lust. We live in a sex-obsessed, sex-crazed

society, and everything reeks of it - advertising, literature,

fashion, and entertainment. Marriage has been the first

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casualty: its significance has become so distorted that its true

meaning has been lost.

Of course, no honest person can lay the blame for all

of this at the door of the media or of some vague force in

society. Certainly, the media has confused thousands of

people and left them hardened. But it is we - each one of

us - whose souls are burdened by the sin of our own lust,

whose marriages have fallen apart, whose children have

gone astray. We cannot ignore our own misdeeds; we must

take responsibility for our own actions, for every instance

where we have accepted the spirit of impurity and let evil

into our own hearts. We have mocked and twisted the image

of God and separated ourselves from our creator. We must

learn to listen again to the deepest cries of our hearts, and

repent and turn back to God.

Thirty years have passed since the beginning of the

sexual revolution, and its devastating aftermath should

be obvious to anyone: widespread promiscuity; rising rates

of teen pregnancy and suicide; tens of millions of abortions;

the spread of sexually transmitted diseases; the erosion of the

family and home life; and the rise of a violent new generation.

"We have sown the wind, and reap the whirlwind" (Hos.

8:7).

Our time grossly overestimates the importance of sex.

Whether on bookstands, in convenience stores, or at

supermarket counters, its significance is exaggerated in a

thoroughly unhealthy way. Love between man and woman

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is no longer regarded as sacred or noble; it has become a

commodity seen only in an animal sense, as an uncontrollable

impulse that must be satisfied.

As a tool of the sexual revolution, modern sex education

more than anything else is responsible for all this. Sex

education was supposed to bring us freedom, enlightened

attitudes, responsibility, and safety. Isn't it obvious by now

that it has been a failure? Haven't we seen by now that

knowledge is no safeguard, and that sex education as taught

in most schools has only increased sexual activity?

True education for the sexual

life instills reverence.

Most parents have very little, if any, idea of what their

children are taught in sex education classes. Sex education

has never been a simple presentation of biological

facts. In many curricula students are graphically taught

(sometimes by way of films) about various sexual practices,

including masturbation, and about "safe" sex. In others,

sexual perversions are openly and explicitly discussed and

presented as normal ways of finding sexual "fulfillment." In

some school districts an appreciation and understanding for

the homosexual lifestyle is encouraged: it is, our children

are told, a perfectly acceptable alternative to heterosexual

marriage. Some schools even have students pair off to discuss

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topics such as foreplay and orgasm. Antibiotics and abortion

are presented as positive safety nets in case contraception and

safe sex practices fail. Abstinence, if not entirely ignored,

is mentioned only in passing. As William Bennett, former

Secretary of Education, writes:

There is a coarseness, a callousness, a cynicism, a banality,

and a vulgarity to our time. There are too many signs of a

civilization gone rotten. And the worst of it has to do with

our children: we live in a culture that at times seems almost

dedicated to the corruption of the young, to ensuring the loss

of their innocence before their time.26

Sex education is little more than "safe" sex training. Initially,

it was instituted as an attempt to bank the fires of

teenage sexuality; instead, it has only fanned the flames.27

Most people seem to take it for granted that teenagers will

and should express themselves sexually. Our era is one of

millions of abortions, of countless unwed mothers on public

support, and of epidemic sexually transmitted diseases.

Clearly, the idea that accurate knowledge fosters responsible

behavior is nothing less than a grand myth.

In general, much of what is taught today in the name of

sex education is a horror, and as Christians we must protest

against it. It is often little more than the formalized training

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of irreverence, impurity, and rebellion against the plan of

God. True education for the sexual life takes place best between

parent and child in an environment of reverence and trust. To

educate anyone about sex through anonymous images and

impersonal information will only awaken the sexual impulse

of a child prematurely and, in his mind, separate sex from

love and commitment.

Obviously we should not be afraid to talk freely with

our own children about sexual matters, especially as they

approach adolescence. Otherwise they will learn about

these things first from their peers, and rarely in a reverent

atmosphere. All the same, there is a danger in giving a child

too many biological facts about sex. Often, a factual approach

to sex robs it of its divine mystery.

To the Christian parent, sex education means guiding the

sexual conscience of his or her children to sense their own

dignity and the dignity of others. It means helping them to

understand that selfish pleasure, whether it "hurts" anybody

else or not, is contrary to love (Gal. 5:13). It means teaching

them that, separated from God, sexual intercourse or any

other sexual activity burdens the conscience and undermines

honest relationships. It means opening their eyes to see the

deep emptiness that leads people - and could lead them

too - into sexual sin.

A child can acquire a healthy attitude to his body and to

sex quite naturally, simply by being taught that his body, as

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the temple of the Spirit, is holy, and that any defilement of

it is sin. I will never forget the deep impression it made on

me as a young teen when my father took me for a walk with

him and told me about the struggle for a pure life and the

importance of keeping myself pure for the woman I might

find and marry some day. He said to me, "If you are able to

live a pure life now, it will be easier for the rest of your life.

But if you give in now to personal impurity, it will become

harder and harder to withstand temptation, even once you

marry."

Parents who want to protect their children from impurity

should remember that the discipline of work - whether

through chores, exercise, or through other activities - is one

of the best safeguards. Children who have been taught to

stick to a task and see it through will be better equipped to

deal with sexual temptations than children who have been

pampered and catered to.

Any misuse of sex cuts us off

from our true selves and from each

other.

Young people underestimate the power of the demonic forces

they allow into their lives when they give in to impurity. Take

masturbation, for example. As children grow into young men

and women, their sexual desire increases, and often their

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most immediate urge is to seek sexual gratification through

masturbation. Increasingly, parents, educators, and ministers

of our day claim that masturbation is healthy and natural;

many see it as just another form of stress release. And the

sexual activity it often leads to, even among children who

have barely reached puberty, is considered by some to be

normal.

Why are we parents and educators so afraid to speak

the truth - to warn our children not only of the dangers

of promiscuity but also of masturbation? (Prov. 5:1 ff.)

Aren't both illnesses of the soul? Don't both desecrate

and betray the image of God, and undermine the marriage

bond? Masturbation can never bring true satisfaction. It is

a solitary act. It is self-stimulation, self-gratification, selfabuse

- it closes us within a dream world and separates

us from genuine relationships. When it becomes habitual

(which it often does), it aggravates isolation and loneliness,

and it intensifies feelings of futility and frustration. At its

worst, as a breach in the bond of unity and love for which

sex is created, it is comparable to adultery. I have counseled

many young people who are enslaved by masturbation: they

earnestly desire to be freed from their habit, but they fall into

it again and again.

A person who struggles with masturbation is often too

ashamed to talk about it with anyone. Yet it is important

to realize that because shameful acts work in secrecy, their

power can only be broken when they are brought to light.

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Certainly sharing one's burdens and inner feelings with a

mentor or pastor can be painful, but this is the only recourse

for anyone who wants to become truly free.

People may struggle with masturbation right to the end of

their lives. I have counseled men in their eighties who still

have not found freedom from it. The question arises whether

there is anything one can do to be rid of this curse. My advice

to those enslaved to masturbation is to seek strength through

prayer. You will not conquer your addiction by will power

alone. Before you go to bed at night, turn your thoughts to

God and read something of an inner, spiritual nature. Even

then the temptation to masturbate can arise. When that

happens, find something to take your mind off it - get out

of bed and take a walk, or do some household chore. Often

a simple activity provides the best means to overcome these

strong temptations.

Frequently enslavement to masturbation is connected to

another form of bondage: pornography. Very few people

will admit an addiction to pornography, but the fact that

it is a steadily growing billion-dollar industry shows how

widespread it is, also among "Christians."

Many people claim that pornography should not be

criminalized because it is "victimless." Yet anything that

encourages impurity, even in the form of solitary sexual

arousal, is a crime because it degrades the human body,

which was created in God's image as a temple of the soul

(1 Cor. 6:19). The so-called lines typically drawn between

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pornography, masturbation, one-night stands, and prostitution

are actually an illusion. All of them are means used to attain

sexual satisfaction without the "burden" of commitment. All

reduce the mystery of sex to a technique for satisfying lust.

And all of them are shameful - the secrecy of those who

indulge in them betrays that fact more clearly than anything

else (Rom. 13:12-13).

Prayer and confession can free us

from the burden of impurity.

No one can free himself from impurity or any other sin in his

own strength. Freedom comes through the attitude of inner

poverty, through continually turning to God. The struggle

against temptation is in everyone and will always be there,

but through prayer and confession, sin can be overcome.

Whenever we let down our guard in the struggle for

purity - whenever we allow passion and lust to overcome

us - we are in danger of throwing ourselves completely

away. Then we will not be able to drive away the evil spirits

we have allowed to enter, and the intervention of Christ

himself will be needed to bring freedom. Without this, there

will be only deepening hopelessness and despair.

In the most extreme instances the desperation brought

on by a secret life of impurity ends in suicide. This can

only be described as a rebellion against God, a statement

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that says, "I'm beyond hope - my problems are too big

even for God to handle." Suicide denies that God's grace

is greater than our weakness. If we find ourselves in the

abyss of despair, the only answer is to seek God and

ask for his compassion and mercy. Even when we find

ourselves at the end of our rope, God wants to give us new

hope and courage, no matter how deeply we feel we have

betrayed him. God is always ready to forgive every sin

(1 John 1:9); we only need to be humble enough to ask him.

When someone is tempted by thoughts of suicide, the most

important thing we can do is to show him love - to remind

him that each of us was created by and for God, and that

each of us has a purpose to fulfill.

To turn from sin and to realize that we are created for God

is always a revelation and a joy. If we faithfully face God in

our lifetime here on earth, we will recognize the magnitude

of our wonderful task, the task of receiving his love and

sharing it with others. There is no calling more wonderful.

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Shameful Even

to Mention?

Live as children of light (for the fruit of the

light consists in all goodness, righteousness,

and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds

of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is

shameful even to mention what the disobedient

do in secret.

Ephesians 5:8-12

In June 1995, a panel of the Church of England recommended

that the phrase "living in sin" be abandoned and that

unmarried couples, heterosexual and homosexual alike,

be "given encouragement and support" in their lifestyles

and more readily welcomed into Anglican congregations.

Suggesting that "loving homosexual relations and acts" are

intrinsically no less valuable than heterosexual ones, the

panel proposed that love should be allowed to be expressed

"in a variety of relationships."28 Although such a statement

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is hardly surprising in today's world, it is shocking to hear

it from an established church, and to know that other church

denominations have asserted similar ideas.

We must love the sinner,

but we must also speak out against sin.

Recently I served on a parent-teachers' committee at a local

high school and was able to observe just how powerful the

movement to accept homosexuality has become - how it

has crept into almost every aspect of public life. The school

district's Health and Safety Advisory Committee was so

afraid of alienating gays and lesbians that it was hesitant

even to define "family," let alone take a position on so-called

family values. Finally, it settled on defining "family" as "two

people with a commitment."

Many politicians and an increasing number of clergy are

afraid to say anything against such a definition for fear of

losing voter support or their jobs. Very few dare to stand

in opposition and say, "Enough!" But by refusing to define

marriage as a covenant between one man and one woman,

they not only call into question the entire institution of the

family but flatly deny God's order for creation. They are

sending our children the message that anything is okay, and

that life-long commitment to one partner of the opposite sex

is merely one of many options.

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To some readers it may seem that I am advocating

hatred toward homosexuals - "gay bashing." Let me assure

you that I am not. Every one of us is a sinner and falls

short every day, and there is no biblical basis for making

homosexuality a worse sin than any other. To make fun

of homosexuality or to judge a practicing homosexual

any more harshly than another person who has sinned, or

to look on him or her with an attitude of condemnation, is

a sin: we know from the gospels that no sexual sin is so

terrible that it cannot be forgiven or healed (Eph. 2:3-5). Yet

we also know that Jesus hates sin, even though he loves the

sinner and wants to redeem him.

To affirm homosexuality

is to deny God's creative intent.

Homosexual conduct is a sin. It is "against nature," against

God's creative design, and it is a form of self-worship and

idolatry (Rom. 1:26). As a sexual act between two people of

the same gender it is the "very grievous" sin of Sodom and

Gomorrah (Gen. 19:1-29).

In Leviticus 18:22-23, God calls homosexual intercourse

an abomination: "Do not lie with a man as one lies with

a woman; that is detestable." And in Leviticus 20:13 we

read, "The penalty for homosexual acts is death to both

parties. They have brought it upon themselves." Let

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those who discount such prohibitions and warnings by

explaining that we are now "no longer under the law, but

under grace" then explain why incest, adultery, bestiality,

and human sacrifice are not to be ignored. All of these are

condemned in the very next sentences: "Do not have sexual

relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman

must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations

with it; that is a perversion."

The New Testament also condemns homosexuality. In

Romans 1:26-28 Paul writes:

Their women have exchanged natural intercourse for unnatural,

and their men in turn, giving up natural relations with women,

burn with lust for one another; males behave indecently with

males and are paid in their persons the fitting wage of such

perversion.

And in 1 Cor. 6:9-10 Paul writes:

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom

of God? Do not be deceived; neither the sexually immoral nor

idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual

offenders...will inherit the kingdom of God.

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Many people reinterpret these Scriptures as condemning

only homosexual rape, promiscuity, and lustful or

"unnatural" homosexual behavior by heterosexuals. They

claim that what the Bible condemns is offensive homosexual

(and heterosexual) behavior. But isn't it clear that when Paul

speaks of "homosexual offenders" he is speaking of the

offense of homosexuality itself? If only "offensive" kinds of

homosexual acts were evil, then what about the rest of what

Paul mentions in the same passage: adultery, idolatry, and so

forth?

What could be clearer than Paul's words in Romans, where

he calls homosexuality "sinful desire, sexual impurity" and

says that it is "degrading and shameful"? Or his unmistakably

sharp words against giving oneself over "to depravity"?

(Rom. 1:24-28) Homosexual acts are always perverse, for

they always distort God's will for creation. They simply

cannot be defended in any way by Scripture. And this

is just as true when they take place in a "loving" lifelong

relationship. Adulterous heterosexual affairs may also be felt

to be loving and may be long-lasting, but that doesn't make

them right.

It is typical today to hear people complain about the

injustice of holding homosexuals responsible for an

orientation or even a way of life that they themselves did

not necessarily choose. But this is only an excuse for sin.

Whether or not homosexuals are responsible for their sexual

orientation has no relevance as to the rightness or wrongness

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of their behavior. To explain behavior is one thing. To justify

it is altogether different.29

Whatever its origin or kind,

sexual temptation can be overcome.

The sexual urges of a homosexual can be acute, but so can

those of anyone else. All of us are "naturally" predisposed

to do what we should not do. But if we believe in God, we

must also believe that he can give us the grace to overcome

whatever struggles we may have to bear: "My grace is

sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

(2 Cor. 12:9-10).

In speaking out against homosexuality, we must always

remember that even though Scripture condemns homosexual

behavior, it never gives us license to condemn the people

who engage in it. As Christians we certainly cannot condone

the denial of any person's basic human rights, for whatever

reason. It is all too easy to forget that the Bible has much more

to say about pride, greed, resentment, and self-righteousness

than about homosexuality. Nevertheless, we will always

resist the agenda of those who try to redefine homosexuality

as an "alternative lifestyle" - especially as it affects the

legalization of same-sex marriages - as well as efforts to

compel religious groups to accept practicing homosexuals

as members and even ministers (1 Cor. 5:11).

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It is also important to consider the difference between

homosexual tendency or "orientation" and an active

homosexual lifestyle. Whereas homosexual orientation

can arise by means of psychological influences, social

environment, and perhaps (according to some scientists)

even genetic makeup, an active homosexual lifestyle is a

matter of choice. To argue that our culture, family, or genes

make us powerless to choose for or against sin is to deny the

concept of free will.

Even as an orientation, homosexuality is an especially

deep-rooted condition, and those who struggle with it deserve

compassion and help. Therefore we always need to be ready

to receive the homosexual man or woman into our fellowship

and stand with him or her - in patience and love, though

also with the clarity that refuses to tolerate continued sexual

sinning. Above all, we need to remind those burdened with

same-sex attraction of God's original plan for creation, and

help them see that neither man nor woman is truly complete

without the other.

I have counseled many people who have struggled with

homosexual temptations. Sometimes a person's situation

seems hopeless, but in my experience, even someone who

has been ingrained in the "gay lifestyle" for a long time can

be helped. Whether a struggling homosexual acts on his

temptations or not, one thing remains the same: if he turns

single-mindedly to Jesus, he can be helped and freed; if he is

divided in the depth of his heart, even the most valiant efforts

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to resist temptation will cramp him in an inner way. Even

a perverse glance shows that a person is not decided - and

Jesus calls this "adultery" in the heart. Lasting freedom can

be found only in decisiveness.

It is all the more important, therefore, that people who

are not burdened by homosexuality try to understand the

tremendous inner need of those who are. Their misplaced

sexual desire often stems from an intense yearning for a

genuinely loving connection with others. Many homosexuals

have never known unconditional, accepting love from those

of their own gender. In fatherless homes across our country,

a void exists that is capable of inducing homosexual feelings

in children. And in our culture, driven as it is by competition

and the will to dominate, it is easy for some people to feel

left out; they may turn to homosexuality as a result.

I have known Howard and his wife, Ann, ever since

they joined our church two decades ago, yet it was not

until recently that I fully understood the depth of Howard's

struggle. Abused as a child by his uncle, neglected by his

workaholic father, and ridiculed by his peers for his lack of

athletic ability, Howard grew up feeling misunderstood and

out of place. He craved attention: from his father, other men,

and boys his own age. By the time he was in his mid teens,

he was homosexually active. While Howard does not blame

his upbringing for choices he made later in life, his story

should warn every parent of what can happen when children

grow up without the support of a caring family.

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But Howard's story is more than a warning. It bears witness

to Christ's power to overcome darkness; to the importance

of repentance; to the healing force of forgiveness; and to the

joy that every one of us can know. He writes:

When I was sixteen, I began to mess around with other boys.

It wasn't long before I allowed older men to "experiment"

with me. These sexual experiences excited me, but they left

me feeling very guilty. I was not able to open up to anyone

about what I was going through. I even lied to my father when

he confronted me directly and asked if I had such feelings.

By the time I turned twenty-one, I had done virtually every

homosexual act possible. Nothing satisfied me. My encounters

with other men were empty; I preferred to look at pictures and

create my own fantasies. I never tried to come to terms with

my attraction to men, excusing it as something I "couldn't

help." Even when my insurance paid for psychotherapy

because of work-related stress and anxiety, I did not tell the

psychiatrist anything personal. I was convinced: there was no

point talking to anyone; no one would understand me, and it

wasn't possible for me to change, anyway.

I married the first woman I had a sexual relationship with.

Ann loved me and accepted what she knew of me. We talked

about our personal feelings, but not until we'd been married

over two years did I work up the courage to share my secret

with her. Naturally, Ann responded with stunned surprise. She

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could not understand how it was possible. I told her about my

childhood and about the thoughts and desires that burdened

me. I made it clear to her that I wanted nothing to do with

these things, and she accepted this and seemed to have hope

that I could change. Even though I fell into casual encounters

with other men on several more occasions, she continually

forgave me.

Many homosexuals were "coming out of the closet" at that

time, revealing their lifestyle to family and friends and trying

to find acceptance. I dreaded this, because I was sure I would

not be accepted. Actually, at heart I did not want acceptance; I

wanted help to overcome my problem. Finally I told my story

to a lay pastor whom I trusted. He helped me find the strength

to declare my stand against homosexuality before a small

group of people I knew and felt close to. They were at first

shocked, but then also very supportive, knowing that they too

had struggles. This was a beginning of my path to recovery.

But only the beginning.

Later my wife and I joined the Bruderhof, a Christian

community movement, sensing that we had arrived at a place

where true healing could be found. To a degree this was true,

but sometimes when I felt low and depressed, I would still give

in to lustful thoughts and looks, which on several occasions

nearly led me back into my old ways. Clearly I could never

overcome my problems in my own strength. All the same, I

kidded myself into believing I could, and convinced my wife

I was doing okay. In the meantime, I was blocking out Jesus'

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words about the lustful look. My conscience became duller

and duller. My heart grew harder and harder.

Ann continued to trust me, and God gave us two sons. Yet

in spite of these blessings, I sunk deeper and deeper. Then one

day a friend discovered me looking at pornography. Though

at first I tried to lie my way out, I finally found the courage to

admit my sin, both before my wife and the brothers and sisters

within my community. "Everyone" now knew, and I waited to

be "run out of town." But while no one condoned my behavior,

I did not feel condemned. Men who I thought would be totally

disgusted with me suddenly looked me squarely in the eyes

with true, brotherly love. My hard heart began to melt...

My wife and I separated for several weeks so that I could

find my true bearings again. During this time Ann stood

faithfully by her commitment to the church and to me. She

told me later, "When we married, I had no idea what we might

face in the future. We promised to remain faithful - come hell

or high water - to God, to the church, and to each other. We

had no idea what we were promising, but I know this is what

protected us. This is what led us together again."

Ann was right, of course. It was only through God's grace

that I was able to recognize how badly I needed to come

completely clean, to open up my heart wider than I ever had

before, and to set straight every single wrong act or ingrained

attitude from the past. I saw how my own selfishness lay at the

root of my problem. Bit by bit, I felt my bondage to darkness

breaking.

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As my repentance deepened, my heart grew lighter,

my mind freer. Finally, I moved back in with my wife and

children. Now we are closer as a family than we ever have

been. And the curse I have lived with all my life has been

transformed into a deep joy. Christ has given me the gift of a

clear conscience - there is no greater gift. It gives me courage

to face anything that might come in the future. I know I will

be tempted for the rest of my life, but I also know that there

is always a way through. I can receive help beyond my own

strength.

True freedom is possible for every man and woman, and it

is up to us to believe this (Gal. 5:1).30 Howard and Ann's

story should remind us not to pretend that victory is easy. It

may not be. For every person who is granted healing, there

are dozens more who have to struggle with temptations for

years, some for the rest of their lives. Yet is it any different

for the rest of us? There cannot be many Christians who

have not longed and prayed, seemingly without result, for

deliverance from some besetting sin. But we should never

doubt that since each of us is created in God's image, there

is hope for healing and restoration for each of us (Heb. 9:14).

Ultimately, Christ will free us if we give ourselves to him.

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The Hidden War

You brought me out of the womb; you made me

trust in you even at my mother's breast. From

birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's

womb you have been my God. Do not be far

from me, for trouble is near and there is no one

to help.

Psalm 22:9-11

Almost seventy years ago, in response to the idea of

"modern" family planning, Eberhard Arnold wrote, "In our

families we hope for as many children as God gives. We

praise God's creative power and welcome large families as

one of his great gifts."31

What would he say now, in an era where contraception is

standard practice and millions of unborn children are legally

murdered every year? Where is our joy in children, and in

family life? Our thankfulness for God's gifts? Where is our

reverence for life and our compassion for those who are least

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able to defend themselves? Jesus is very clear that no one can

enter the kingdom unless he or she becomes like a child.

Sex without regard

for the gift of life is wrong.

The spirit of our age is diametrically opposed not only to the

childlike spirit but even to children themselves. It is a spirit

of death, and it can be seen everywhere in modern society:

in the rise of murder and suicide rates, in the widespread

domestic violence, in abortion, the death penalty, and

euthanasia. Our culture seems bound on going the way of

death, of taking into its own hands what is God's domain.

And it is not only the State that is at fault.

How many churches sanction the murder of unborn

children under the guise of supporting women's rights? The

sexual "liberation" of our society has sowed tremendous

destruction. It is a false liberation built on the selfish

pursuit of satisfaction and pleasure. It ignores discipline,

responsibility, and the real freedom that these can bring. In

the words of Stanley Hauerwas, it mirrors "a profound lack

of confidence that we have anything worthy to pass on to a

new generation...We are willing our deaths."32

It is simply a fact that the vast majority of people today

have no qualms of conscience when the life of a tiny being

is prevented or destroyed. Children, once considered the

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greatest blessing God can give, are now considered only in

terms of their cost: they are a "burden" and a "threat" to the

freedom and happiness of the individual.

In a true marriage, there is a close connection between

married love and new life (Mal. 2:15). When husband and

wife become one flesh, it should always be with the reverent

recognition that through it new life may be formed. In this

way the marriage act becomes an expression of creative love,

a covenant that serves life. But how many couples today view

sex in this way? For most, the pill has made intercourse a

casual act, divorced from responsibility and supposedly free

of consequence.

As Christians, we must be willing to speak out against

the contraceptive mentality that has infected our society.

Too many couples today have simply bought into the

popular mindset of sexual indulgence and family planning

on demand, throwing to the wind the virtues of self-control

and trust. Sex for its own sake, even in marriage, not only

cheapens the marriage act but erodes the foundation of selfgiving

love necessary for raising children. To engage in

sexual pleasure as an end in itself, without regard for the

gift of life, is wrong. It means closing the door to children,

and thus despising both the gift and the Giver (Job 1:21). As

Mother Teresa once said:

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In destroying the power of giving life, through contraception,

a husband or wife is doing something to self. This turns the

attention to self, and so it destroys the gift of love in him or

her. In loving, the husband and wife must turn the attention to

each other, as happens in natural family planning, and not to

self, as happens in contraception.

Contraception undermines the fulfillment and fruition of

two who are one flesh, and because of this we should feel

revulsion toward the attitude that consistently seeks to avoid

the responsibility of bearing children.

None of this is to suggest that we are to bring children

into the world irresponsibly or at the risk of the mother's

health and well-being. The size of one's family and the

spacing of children is a matter of tremendous responsibility.

It is something for each couple to consider before God, with

prayer and reverence. Having children too closely together

can place an especially difficult burden on the mother. This

is an area where a husband has to show loving respect and

understanding for his wife. Again, it is vital that a couple

turn together to God and place their uncertainties and fears

before him in faith (Matt. 7:7-8). If we are open to God's

leading, I am confident that he will show us the way.

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To abort any child is to mock God.

The contraceptive mentality is but one of the manifestations

of the spirit of death that makes new life so unwelcome

in so many homes. Everywhere in society today there is

a hidden war going on, a war against life. So many little

souls are desecrated. And of those who are not prevented

by contraception from entering the world, how many are

callously destroyed by abortion!

The prevalence of abortion in our society is so great

that it makes Herod's slaughter of the Innocents tame in

comparison. Abortion is murder - there are no exceptions. If

there were, the message of the gospels would be inconsistent

and meaningless. Even the Old Testament makes it clear that

God hates the shedding of innocent blood (Prov. 6:16-17).

Abortion destroys life and mocks God, in whose image every

unborn baby is created.

In the Old Testament there are numerous passages that

speak of God's active presence in every human life, even

while it is still being formed in the womb. In Genesis

4:1 after Eve conceives and gives birth to Cain, she says,

"With the help of the Lord, I have brought a man into

being." She does not say, "With the help of Adam," but "with

the Lord."

In Psalm 139 we read:

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For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in

my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and

wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full

well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made

in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths

of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days

ordained for me were written in your book before one of them

came to be (Ps. 139:13-16).

Job exclaims: "Did not he who made me in the womb make

them? Did not the same One form us both within our mother's

womb?" (Job 31:15; 10:8-12)

And God said to the prophet Jeremiah, "I knew you

before you were formed within your mother's womb; before

you were born I sanctified you and appointed you as my

spokesman to the world" (Jer. 1:5).

We also read in the New Testament that the unborn are

called by God before birth (Gal. 1:15) and that their unique

gifts are prophesied while still in the mother's womb. Perhaps

one of the most wonderful passages about an unborn child is

found in Luke:

When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the child leaped in

her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and

exclaimed with a loud cry, "Blessed are you among women,

and blessed is the fruit of your womb. And why has this

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happened to me, that the mother of my Lord comes to me?

For as soon as I heard the sound of your greeting, the child in

my womb leaped for joy" (Luke 1:41-44).

Here an unborn child, John the Baptist, the forerunner of

Jesus, leaped in Elizabeth's womb in acknowledgment

of Jesus, who had been conceived only a week or two

before. Two unborn children: one capable of responding

to the Holy Spirit, and the other - none other than Christ

himself - conceived by the Holy Spirit (Matt. 1:20-21).

Clearly, the idea that a new little life comes into being

through something merely physical or biological is a

complete falsity. It is God who acts in bringing forth life

from the womb (Ps. 71:6). Abortion always destroys this

act.

This is why the early church universally rejected abortion,

and called it infanticide. The Didache, the earliest instruction

(100 c.e.) for new Christian converts, leaves no doubt about

that: "You shall not slay a child by abortion." And Clement

of Alexandria even writes that those who participate in an

abortion "wholly lose their own humanity along with the

fetus."33

Where is the clarity of the church today? Even among socalled

Christians, the war of cruelty and death being waged

against the innocent unborn children has become a matter

of fact, its ghastly horrors and brutal techniques hidden by

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the mask of medicine and law or even "justified" by every

thinkable circumstance.

Who are we to judge

whether a life is desirable or not?

I know it is unpopular to say that abortion is murder. I

know that people will say I am removed from reality -

that even certain Christian theologians make at least some

allowances for abortion. Yet I believe God never does. His

law is the law of love. It stands forever, regardless of changing

times and changing circumstances: "Thou shalt not kill."

Human life is sacred from conception to death. If we

really believe this, we will never be able to accept abortion

on any grounds; even the most persuasive arguments about

"quality of life" or severe physical deformity or mental

retardation will not sway us. Who are we to decide whether

or not a little soul should reach the light of day? In God's

plan the physically and mentally hindered can be used for

God's glory (John 9:1-3). "Who has made man's mouth?

Who makes him dumb, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not

I, the Lord?" (Exod. 4:11)

How can we dare to judge who is desirable and who is

not? The crimes of the Third Reich - where "good" Nordic

babies were bred in special nurseries, while retarded babies,

children, and adults were sent to gas chambers - should

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be warning enough. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer

writes, "Any

distinction between life that is worth living and life that is

not worth living must sooner or later destroy life itself."34

Even when the life of a pregnant mother is in danger,

abortion is never the answer. In God's eyes, the life of the

unborn child and mother are equally sacred. To do evil

"so that good may come" is to take God's sovereignty and

wisdom into one's own hands (Rom. 3:5-8). In agonizing

situations like this, a couple should turn to the elders of their

church:

Is anyone among you suffering? He should keep on praying

about it. And those who have reason to be thankful should

continually be singing praises to the Lord. Is anyone sick? He

should call for the elders of the church and they should pray

over him and pour a little oil upon him, calling on the Lord to

heal him. And their prayer, if offered in faith, will heal him, for

the Lord will make him well; and if his sickness was caused

by some sin, the Lord will forgive him (James 5:13-15).

There is great power and protection in the prayer of a united

church and in the faith that God's will can be done for both

the life of a mother and her unborn child. In the end - and I

say this with trembling - that is what matters.

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Sex, God & Marriage The Hidden War

We must offer alternatives,

not moral condemnation.

As Christians, we cannot simply demand an end to abortion

without offering a positive alternative. Eberhard Arnold

writes:

Moral philosophers may demand that the sexual life be

purified by insisting on purity before and in marriage. But

even the best of them are insincere and unjust unless they

clearly state the actual basis for such high demands. Even

the destruction of incipient life...remains unassailable when

people do not believe in the kingdom of God. The supposedly

high culture of our day will continue to practice this massacre

as long as social disorder and injustice last. Abortion cannot

be combated as long as private and public life are allowed to

remain as they are.

If we want to fight acquisitiveness and the deceit and

injustice of social distinctions, we must fight them through

practical means by demonstrating that a different way of life

is not only feasible, but actually exists. Otherwise we can

demand neither purity in marriage nor an end to abortion; we

cannot wish even the finest families to be blessed with the

many children intended by God's creative powers. 35

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Here the church has failed miserably. There are so many

teenage mothers who are confronted by this question daily,

yet receive no inner guidance, no emotional or economic

support. Many feel they have no other choice than abortion:

they have been the victim of sexual abuse; or they fear an

angry boyfriend; or their parents have pressured them, saying

that if they have the baby they can't come home.

In speaking with groups of women who have had

abortions, author Frederica Mathewes-Green discovered a

near unanimous consensus as to why women have abortions:

in nearly every case it is because of relationships. Women

do not want abortions, she writes. They want support and

hope.

I have found that a woman is most likely to choose abortion

in order to please or protect the people that she cares about.

Often she discovers too late that there is another person to

whom she has obligations: her own unborn child. The grief

that follows abortion springs from the conviction that, in a

crisis, this relationship was fatally betrayed.

Supporting women with unplanned pregnancies means

continuing what pregnancy-care centers have been doing all

along: providing housing, medical care, clothing, counseling,

and so forth. But we should also be paying attention to

becoming a steadfast friend, the most important help we can

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give, and to doing whatever we can to repair relationships in

the family circle.36

In speaking out against abortion, therefore, we must not

forget that few other sins cause more heartache or anguish of

soul. Very few women today are offered viable alternatives,

and almost none of them are pointed to God, who alone can

answer their need. A woman who has had an abortion suffers

great torment of conscience, and her isolation and endless

pain can be healed only at the cross - only by finding Christ.

Christians need to feel the immeasurable pain that so many

women bear in their hearts for their lost children. Who of

us can cast the first stone? (John 8:7) Woe to us if we ever

become cold toward a woman who has had an abortion!

God loves the unborn child in a very special way. After all,

he sent us his only son, Jesus, to earth in the form of a baby,

through the womb of a mother. As Mother Teresa points out,

even if a mother turns against her unborn child, God will not

forget him. He has carved each baby in the palm of his hand

and has a plan for each life, not only on earth but for eternity.

To those who are desperate enough to hinder God's plan, we

say with Mother Teresa, "Please don't kill the child. I want

the child. Please give the baby to me."

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What about Divorce

and Remarriage?

Everyone who divorces his wife and marries

another commits adultery, and he who marries

a woman divorced from her husband commits

adultery.

Luke 16:18

The question of divorce and remarriage is possibly the

toughest issue that faces the Christian church in our time.

It is harder and harder to find couples who take seriously

the words, "What God has joined together, let no one put

asunder" - couples who believe that marriage means

faithfulness between one man and one woman until death

parts them (Matt. 19:6).

A marriage bond may break,

but it can never be dissolved.

The majority of Christians today believe that divorce and

remarriage are morally and biblically permissible. They

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argue that though God hates divorce, he allows it as a

concession to our sinful condition. Because of our hardness

of heart, they explain, marriages can "die" or dissolve. In

other words, God recognizes our frailty and accepts the fact

that in a fallen world the ideal cannot always be realized.

Through God's forgiveness, one can always start again, even

if in a new marriage.

But what about the bond that is promised between two and

made - whether knowingly or unknowingly - before God?

Does God's forgiveness ever mean we can deny it? Does he

ever allow unfaithfulness? Just as the unity of the church is

eternal and unchangeable, so true marriage reflects this unity

and is indissoluble. As the early Christians, I believe that as

long as both partners are living, there can be no remarriage

after divorce. What God has joined together in the unity

of the Spirit is joined together until death parts a couple.

Unfaithfulness, whether by one or by both partners, cannot

change this. No Christian has the freedom to marry someone

else as long as his or her spouse is still living. The bond of

unity is at stake.

Jesus is clear that it was because of hard-heartedness

that Moses, under the law, allowed divorce (Matt. 19:8).

However, among his disciples - those born of the Spirit -

hard-heartedness is no longer a valid excuse. Moses said,

"Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of

divorce." But Jesus said, "Everyone who divorces his wife,

except on the ground of unchastity, makes her an adulteress;

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and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery"

(Matt. 5:31-32). The disciples understood this decisive word

of Jesus clearly: "If this is the situation between a husband

and wife, it is better not to marry" (Matt. 19:10). Moses gave

allowance to divorce out of sheer necessity, but this hardly

changes the fact that from the beginning marriage was meant

to be indissoluble. A marriage cannot be dissolved (even if it is

broken), neither by the husband who abandons his adulterous

wife, nor by the wife who abandons her adulterous husband.

God's order cannot be abolished that easily or lightly. 37

Paul writes with the same clarity to the Corinthians:

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: a wife

is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart,

let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And

a husband is not to divorce his wife (1 Cor. 7:10-11).

He also writes, "A woman is bound to her husband as long as

he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone

she wishes, as long as he belongs to the Lord" (1 Cor. 7:39).

And in Romans he says, "and if she marries another man

while her husband is still alive, she is an adulteress" (Rom.

7:3).

Because adultery is a betrayal of the mysterious union

between one man and one woman who become one flesh, it

is one of the worst forms of deceit. Adultery must always be

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squarely confronted by the church, and the adulterer must be

called to repentance and disciplined (1 Cor. 5:1-5).

The answer to a broken bond

is faithfulness and love.

Even if Jesus allows divorce for reasons of fornication or

adultery, it should never be the inevitable result or an excuse

to remarry. Jesus' love reconciles and forgives. Those who

seek a divorce will always be left with the stain of bitterness

on their conscience. No matter how much emotional pain

an unfaithful partner causes, a wounded spouse must be

willing to forgive. Only when we forgive can we ever hope

to receive the forgiveness of God for ourselves (Matt. 6:14-

15). Faithful love, to our spouse but especially to Christ, is

the only answer to a broken bond.

Kent and Amy, who now minister together in the same

church in Colorado, were once divorced from each other.

Their situation was as desperate as a marriage could get. Yet

because they kept the door open to Christ they found each

other again. Kent shares:

From day one, our marriage had gigantic problems, and we

began a three-year downward spiral into utter confusion. I

thought marriage was just a matter of hanging out with my

wife and doing fun things together. I had no idea what hard

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work it involved. Eventually I became a shell of a person and

even despised life at times. I tried doing all the "spiritual"

things I was supposed to do: reading the Bible, praying, and

talking with others. But it all seemed so futile. Amy and I

came from completely opposite backgrounds and, hard as we

tried, we couldn't communicate.

The pain grew so great that we decided to separate and to

begin divorce proceedings. This was absolutely against my

church upbringing, but I felt hopelessly trapped and had to get

out. Yet even after we decided to divorce, the pain remained

constant. I became so emotionally drained that there were

mornings when I couldn't even button my shirt. Unable to

cope, I stepped down from my pastoral position. All during

this time Amy was utterly devastated. I knew she wanted

things to be different, but it was all too overwhelming for me.

Despite our commitments to Christ and to each other, we were

both completely lost.

To deal with my pain, I resorted to work. I knew that I would

get into big time trouble if I allowed myself to become idle or

to become involved in another relationship. So I worked and

worked - and worked. Subconsciously I think both Amy and

I tried to trust God, but daily I swore to myself that I would

never get back together with her. Every time we tried to talk

things out, we ended up fighting. It was hopeless.

I came to a point where I couldn't even turn to God

anymore. Everything became so pointless, so dead: What did

it all matter? Why was I working so hard anyway? Who was I

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trying to fool? Why try to do God's will if nothing good ever

came from it?

But late one night, as I left work, the moon and the stars

caught my eye. Something grabbed my heart, and I felt anew

God's majesty and mercy. In a matter of seconds I was reduced

to tears. In all my pain and despair I began to feel, perhaps

for the first time, both my true need and God's unconditional

love. Although I had become unfaithful to my promises to

God and to my wife, God assured me that he was still faithful

to me and that he had not given up on me. That night was a

real turning point. By the miracle of God's grace, something

inside me began to change.

I wish I could say that there were a lot of miraculous events

that brought Amy and me back together again. But there

weren't. We found each other through a lot of hard work.

There was no instant reunion; it took two years. We had to do

a lot of talking and a lot of forgiving. But as we shared, a lot

of the pain and the emotion that was there before disappeared.

In the end, it was God who rescued us. It was he who helped

us keep the door open to him and to each other - in spite of

ourselves. It was he who spared us the lie that one's problems

are best solved by getting involved with some other, more

suitable person.

Our marriage still goes through rough patches. Perhaps it

always will. We are still very different from each other. And if

I dwell too much on my weaknesses or Amy's, it is tempting

to try and find a way out. But God's faithfulness binds us

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together and preserves our love for each other. And it is this

faithfulness that keeps me focused and committed.

Of course, not every marital struggle ends as happily as Kent

and Amy's. In my church it has happened several times that

a married partner becomes unfaithful, divorces his or her

spouse, and remarries. Almost every time, the partner left

behind has decided to remain in our church, faithful to his

or her vows of membership and of marriage. Though this is

naturally a painful choice - and doubly so when there are

children involved - it is part of the cost of discipleship. If we

believe in God, he will give us the strength to hold fast.

When I marry a couple, I always ask them the following

question, which was formulated by my grandfather, a

dissident pastor in Nazi Germany.

My brother, will you never follow your wife - and my sister,

will you never follow your husband - in what is wrong? If one

of you should turn away from the way of Jesus and want to

forsake his church, will you always place faith in our Master,

Jesus of Nazareth, and unity in his Holy Spirit above your

marriage, also when confronted by government authorities?

I ask you this in the knowledge that a marriage is built on

sand unless it is built on the rock of faith, faith in Jesus, the

Christ.

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As pertinent today as in its original context, there is deep

wisdom in this question. In a sense, it is simply a reminder

of the choice set before each of us who claim to be disciples:

are we ready to follow Jesus at all costs? Didn't he himself

warn us, "Whoever comes to me and does not let go of father

and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and

even life itself, cannot be my disciple"? (Luke 14:26)

If a couple takes this warning seriously, it may bring about

separation, but the sanctity of their marriage bond will actually

be protected. The issue here is not only marriage as such, but

the deeper bond of unity between two people united in Christ

and his Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 7:15-16). Whenever a man or

woman remains loyal to his or her partner - no matter how

unfaithful that partner may be - it is a witness to this unity.

The eternal faithfulness of God and his church can always

engender new commitment and hope. I have seen more than

once how the faithfulness of a believing partner can lead an

unbelieving partner back to Jesus, back to the church, and

back to a strong marriage.

Ann and her husband, Howard (whose story I shared in

chapter 16), are an example of this. Even when Howard fell

back into sin, Ann never wavered from her commitment to

Christ and the church. Yet though she refused to go along

with Howard's deceit, she did not judge him. Instead, she

quietly led him in the struggle for repentance and a fresh

start. Largely as a result of Ann's steadfastness, both their

marriage and Howard's faith were restored.

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True faithfulness is not merely the absence of adultery.

Though God hates divorce, he will also judge every unloving

or dead marriage, and this should be a warning to each of

us. How many of us have been cold-hearted or loveless to

our spouses at one time or another? How many thousands of

couples, rather than loving each other, merely coexist? True

faithfulness is not simply the absence of adultery. It must

be a commitment of heart and soul. Whenever husband and

wife lack commitment to each other, live parallel lives, or

become estranged, separation and divorce lurk around the

corner.

It is the task of every church to fight the spirit of adultery

wherever it raises its head. Here I am not only speaking

of adultery as a physical act; in a sense, anything inside a

marriage that weakens love, unity, and purity, or hinders the

spirit of mutual reverence, is adultery, because it feeds the

spirit of adultery. That is why God speaks of the unfaithfulness

of the people of Israel as adultery (Mal. 2:10-16).

In the Old Testament, the prophets use faithfulness in

marriage as a picture of God's commitment to Israel, his

chosen people - his bride (Hos. 3:1). In a similar way, the

Apostle Paul compares marriage to the relationship of unity

between Christ, the bridegroom, and his church, the bride.

Only in the spirit of these biblical images can we clearly

consider the question of divorce and remarriage.

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When a church does nothing to nurture the marriages of

its own members, how can it claim innocence when these

marriages fall apart? When it shies away from testifying that

"what God has joined together, no one should put asunder,"

how can it expect its married members to remain committed

for life?

In considering these questions, there are two pitfalls we

must avoid. First, we can never agree to divorce; second,

we must never treat those who suffer its need and pain with

legalism or rigidity. In rejecting divorce, we cannot reject

the divorced person, even if remarried. We must always

remember that though Jesus speaks very sharply against

sin, he never lacks compassion. But because he longs to

bring every sinner to redemption and healing, he requires

repentance for every sin. This is also true for every broken

marriage.

Clearly, we must never judge. At the same time, however,

we must be faithful to Christ above everything else. We must

embrace his whole truth - not just those parts of it that seem

to fit our needs (Matt. 23:23-24). That is why my church

will not marry divorced members (at least as long as a former

spouse is still living) and why we cannot accept divorced and

remarried couples as members, as long as they continue to

live as husband and wife. Remarriage compounds the sin of

divorce and precludes the possibility of reconciliation with

one's first partner. We stand for lifelong fidelity in marriage.

No other stand is consistent with real love and truthfulness.

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The significance of the marriage commitment needs to be

rediscovered. We are only beginning to confront the harm

that divorce does to our children. For children, let alone for

adults, divorce is something you don't just "get over." Recent

studies show that the majority of children whose parents

divorce are worried, underachieving, and self-deprecating.

Even ten years after their parents break up, they still suffer

from such emotional problems as fear and depression, and

display antisocial behavior.

Stepfamilies do not provide the answer. The original

family structure cannot be restored, however hard one tries

to simulate it. In fact, children living with stepparents often

show more insecurity than children in single-parent homes.38

A generation of children is growing up without parents who

act as true role models - and many children simply do not

have real parents at all. As well-intentioned as many of

today's young people are, where can they find support when

it is time to marry and start a family?

With God, all things are possible.

Naturally, if divorce is to be avoided, the church must offer

its members guidance and practical support long before their

marriages collapse (Heb. 10:24; 12:15). Even if there are

only slight indications that a marriage is at risk, it is best

to be honest and open about it. Once a couple drifts too far

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apart, it may take space as well as time for them to find each

other's hearts again. In a situation like this, as in one where

a partner has become abusive, temporary separation may

be necessary. Especially when this is the case, the church

must find concrete ways to help both partners -first in

seeking repentance and then in finding the mutual trust and

forgiveness necessary to restore the marriage.

It is sad that in today's society, faithfulness is so rare that

it has come to be seen as a "heroic" virtue. Shouldn't it be

taken for granted as the bedrock of our faith? (Gal. 5:22)

As followers of Christ, shouldn't each of us be willing to

hold firm through thick and thin, until death, to Christ, to his

church, and to our husband or wife? Only with this resolve

can we hope to remain faithful to our marriage vows.

The way of discipleship is a narrow way, but through the

cross anyone who hears the words of Jesus can put them

into practice (Matt. 5:24). If Jesus' teaching on divorce and

remarriage is hard, it is only because so many in our day no

longer believe in the power of repentance and forgiveness. It

is because we no longer believe that what God joins together

can, by his grace, be held together; and that, as Jesus says,

"With God, all things are possible."

Nothing should be too hard for us when it is a requirement

of the gospel (Matt. 11:28-30). If we look at Jesus' teaching

on divorce and remarriage in this faith, we will see that it

is one of great promise, hope, and strength. It is a teaching

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Sex, God & Marriage What About Divorce & Remarriage?

whose righteousness is much greater than that of the moralists

and philosophers. It is the righteousness of the kingdom, and

it is based on the reality of resurrection and new life.

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Therefore Let

Us Keep Watch

The night is nearly over; the day is almost here.

So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put

on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as

in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness,

not in sexual immorality and debauchery,

not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe

yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do

not think about how to gratify the desires of the

sinful nature.

Romans 13:12-14

Despite the shamelessness and promiscuity of our

time, we believe that purity and faithful love are still

possible today. Even if the established churches have

neglected to proclaim the message that sexual happiness is

possible within the commitment of marriage alone, we are

still certain of its truth. There is no question that many people

today have a deep longing for purity and faithfulness. But

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longing is not enough. Only when we are willing to follow

and obey the leading of the Holy Spirit, cost what it may,

can we experience its great blessings in our daily lives. Do

we believe deeply enough in the power of the Spirit? Are we

willing to let God transform our hearts so completely that he

turns our lives upside down? (Rom. 12:2)

The struggle for purity demands daily

resolve.

All of us know temptation, and all of us have given in to

temptation. All of us have failed at one time or another - in

our relationships at work and at home, in our marriages, and

in our personal lives. The sooner we face that, the better. Yet

we can take comfort, even if we struggle with ups and downs,

and even if our moments of victory

are followed by moments

of doubt. Even Jesus was tempted, and he was tempted in

every way we are (Heb. 4:15). With his help we can find the

purity that protects us from every temptation. James says,

"Blessed is the one who stands firm in temptation" (James

1:12). What matters here is the deepest will of our heart - the

will that speaks within us whenever we come before God in

prayer.

As we struggle to be faithful, it is of greatest importance

that our entire will is decided for purity. A divided heart will

never be able to stand (James 1:6-7). But willpower alone

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cannot bring about single-mindedness. If we work ourselves

into an inner frenzy, even if we manage to keep our head

above water, we will soon tire out and sink. Only if we

surrender to Jesus can the power of his grace fill us and give

us new strength and resolve.

In combating the spirit of our age, we must fight not only

against the obvious sins of fornication, deceit, murder, and

so on, but also against apathy and fear. Hardly anyone will

say that he is against faithfulness and love, or opposed to

justice and peace, but how many of us are ready to fight

for these things in word and in deed? The spirit of our time

has dulled us with such a deathly complacency that we are

usually content to look the other way. But if we do not speak

out against the evil of our time through the actions of our

lives, then we are just as guilty as those who sin deliberately.

We must all change, and we must start by confronting the

indifference in our own lives.

Less than half a century ago, most people recognized

premarital sex, divorce, homosexual activity, and the like

as morally wrong. But today these things are regarded as

acceptable lifestyle alternatives. Sadly, many churches

take this stance as well. Now bestiality (sex with animals),

pedophilia (sex with children), and sadomasochism are

gaining support as means of "sexual expression." Only a few

decades ago, transsexualism - the practice of undergoing a

surgical male-to-female or female-to-male sex change - was

unheard of. Today this godless practice is gathering

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momentum across the western world. The enormous cost of

these surgeries alone is a crime against humanity when one

thinks of the widespread hunger and poverty in the Third

World and in our own American ghettos.

Frightening as all these trends are, parents should not

be afraid to warn their children about the horror of these

perversions. For even though Jesus says that all sin can be

forgiven, my experience in counseling has shown me that

those who engage in such practices can permanently wound

their souls.

What must God think of the shamelessness of our time?

In The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoevsky reminds us that "if

God does not exist, everything is permissible." Are we not

now seeing "everything?" When will we stop to consider

the horrifying spirit of rebellion behind our sinfulness and

remember God's warnings about his wrath on sinners in the

end time? Let us remember the words of Paul: "You shall

reap what you sow." Let us ask God for the mercy of his

judgment before it is too late. Let us ask him to shake our

deadened consciences, to cleanse us, and to bring us new

life.

We desperately need more people like John the Baptist

today. But where are they? Where are the "voices in the

wilderness" crying out for repentance, conversion, faith,

and a new life? John's message was simple: "Repent, for the

kingdom of God is at hand!" He was not afraid to confront

anyone, including the leaders of his day. He even confronted

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King Herod on his adulterous marriage, saying, "It is not

lawful for you to have her" (Matt. 14:3-4). Perhaps most

significant, though, he called to account the devout and

religious, the "good" people: "You brood of vipers! Who has

warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Therefore bear

fruits of repentance" (Matt. 3:7-8).

In the fight for God's kingdom,

good deeds are not enough.

In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus says to his disciples, "The

harvest is plentiful but the workers are few" (Matt. 9:37).

How much truer is this today! So many people long for the

freedom of Christ but remain chained to their sins. So few

people dare to stick out their necks. The task is great.

Most of us have good intentions; we earnestly desire to

do good deeds. But that is not enough. We dare not forget

that the fight for God's kingdom is not just against human

nature: we are dealing with something far more powerful,

with powers and principalities (Eph. 6:12), and with the

destructive, demonic spirit that John calls the "beast from

the abyss" (Rev. 11:7).

This beast holds sway over every country and every

government, and its mark is to be found everywhere in our day:

in the disappearance of lasting friendship and community, in

the oppression of the poor, and in the exploitation of women

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and children. It is to be seen in the wholesale murder of the

unborn and the execution of the imprisoned. Most of all, it

is to be seen in the lonely desperation of so many millions

of people.

We are living in the end time. It is the last hour (1 John

2:18). We must be on the watch continually if we are not to

fall under judgment in the last hour of temptation. We need

to seek the inner strength and courage to speak up for God

and his cause, even if no one seems willing to hear us.

Jesus' parable of the ten virgins should be a warning and

a challenge to all of us. Jesus is not speaking here about the

lost world on the one hand and the church on the other: all

ten of the women in the story are virgins, and all of them are

preparing to meet him. He is challenging the church:

The kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their

lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were

foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps

but did not take any oil with them. The wise, however, took

oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long

time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.

At midnight the cry rang out, "Here's the bridegroom!

Come out to meet him!" Then all the virgins woke up and

trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, "Give

us some of your oil; our lamps are going out."

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"No," they replied, "there may not be enough for both us

and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for

yourselves." But while they were on their way to buy the oil,

the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in

with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.

Later the others also came. "Sir! Sir!" they said, "Open the

door for us!" But he replied, "I tell you the truth, I don't even

know you."

Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or

the hour (Matt. 25:1-13).

Are we willing to demonstrate

that a new way exists?

We cannot merely run from the challenge of sin. Instead, we

must live in active protest against everything that opposes

God. We must openly fight everything that cheapens

or destroys life, everything that leads to separation and

division. But we must also recognize that protest alone,

which often leads to violence, is not sufficient. To simply

renounce the world, reject marriage, or refuse all pleasure

would be fruitless.

We must demonstrate that a new way exists and show the

world a new reality, the reality of God's righteousness and

holiness, which is opposed to the spirit of this world. We

must show with our lives that men and women can live lives

of purity, peace, unity, and love wherever they dedicate their

energies to working for the common good; and not only by

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creating spiritual community, but by building up a practical

life of sharing. Above all, we must witness to the power of

love. Each of us can give our lives to others in the service of

love. That is God's will for humankind (John 13:34-35).

In order to demonstrate God's will, the church must

first take concrete steps toward forming a genuine sexual

counter-culture. This demands committed effort. Chastity

programs are not enough. Marriages and families will

continue to splinter unless the church forms a life together

on totally different terms. Christian families, along with

their ministers, need to pledge to live their personal and

social lives in contrast to the ways of the world. Unless we

relate to each other on a different plane from the world's,

we have little to protest or to say. If we are going to be

serious about pursuing purity in this world, then we will need

to hold each other, as brothers and sisters, accountable. This

applies to everyday life: the way we dress and look, what we

allow into our homes, how we and our children relate to the

opposite sex.

The visible witness of such a community will do far

more to convince our society than a million pamphlets on

abstinence. Christian ideals can be explained, but moral

principles are never enough. Only when the world sees

living proof that a Christ-centered sexual life is possible -

one where true freedom goes hand in hand with reverence

and responsibility - will people welcome such values and

norms.

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However, wherever God's will is consistently lived out, it

will be misunderstood and seen as provocation (1 Pet. 4:4).

Two thousand years have not made our present world any

more tolerant of Jesus' message than the world of his time.

Those who are unwilling to accept his way will always be

resentful and even vindictive toward those who witness to

it, and a clash is inevitable (John 15:18-20). But if we who

claim to follow Christ are afraid to live out his commands

because we fear persecution, who will do it? And if it is not

the task of the church to bring the darkness of the world into

the light of Christ, whose is it?

Our hope is in God's coming kingdom, which is the

wedding feast of the Lamb. Let us wait faithfully for that

day. Every word we say, everything we do, should be

inspired and influenced by our expectation. Every

relationship, every marriage, should be a symbol of it. Jesus,

the bridegroom, expects a bride prepared and waiting for

him. But when he comes, will we be ready? Will we be "a

radiant church, without stain or wrinkle"? (Eph. 5:27) Or

will we be full of excuses? (Luke 14:15-24)

We must never be afraid of the ridicule and slander our

witness will bring on us. What grips us and drives us should

be God's future - the wonderful future of his kingdom - not

the present "realities" of human society. It is God who holds

the final hour of history in his hands, and each day of our

lives should be a preparation for that hour.

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From a Reader

You've finished reading Sex, God, and Marriage. Now

what? The answer depends on how seriously you take up

the challenge to be part of a "sexual counter-culture," one

in which wholesome relationships have a chance to thrive.

This doesn't have to be theory. And as the following letter

from a reader illustrates, there is no need for anyone to have

to struggle alone. Together, we can spread the message that

a pure life - a life of true freedom and joy - can belong to

each one of us, provided we are willing to work for it.

Dear Mr. Arnold,

While on vacation, I discovered Sex, God, and Marriage

in a bookstore. I had never heard of you or your community

before, but the book's title caught my attention, and seeing

Mother Teresa's name on the cover convinced me to buy it.

(She has been an extremely strong influence on my life.) The

next thing I knew, I was reading it nonstop and calling each of

my friends to tell them, "This book will change your life."

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I know that books affect people in different ways, depending

on where they happen to be in their life journey. I was born

and brought up in a strong Catholic family, and for my entire

life I have been able to witness my parents' stable, peaceful,

Christ-centered marriage. They have made life so happy, even

innocent, for us children. From the time we were old enough

to understand, my parents taught us to reject the whole culture

of abortion and birth control and to stick to the truth about

these life issues. They tried their best to teach us to live for

Christ alone.

But by the time I happened across Sex, God, and

Marriage, I had reached a point where I once again needed

some clear-cut, well-defined answers. Your book saved my

life - saved my virginity, saved my interior convictions, saved

my dignity. I decided once and for all that struggling to uphold

chastity was not going to be such a problem for me anymore,

that if I really loved Jesus I would prove it to Him through a

commitment to purity. I know we will always struggle with

sexual desires; I know that temptation absolutely surrounds

those who are striving to become saints. But I just needed to

see these truths much more clearly: I don't have to get into

sexual predicaments. Things can be stopped before they start.

I've always known this, but your book confirmed for me once

and for all that this was the truth.

And so I have been distributing Sex, God, and Marriage

to all my friends. The letters and calls of response have been

tremendous: "My life is different now." Or, "This has helped

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my marriage." Even, "I'm sending a copy straight away to my

Mom and to my in-laws." One girl showed it to her friend,

who read it from cover to cover and said, "I have to go to

confession." She hadn't been for nine years. I have shared

this book with all kinds of friends - Catholics, Baptists,

Episcopalians - and the power it has to bind the Christian

community together is amazing.

As for me, I know now, more strongly than ever, that

everything I do must be for Jesus. Reading Sex, God, and

Marriage showed me that my relationship with my boyfriend

needed to end. It made me sad to leave him, but I think I

showed him a greater act of love by not sticking around than

by leading him, or have him lead me, into a sinful situation.

Your book has also increased my desire to want to read the

Bible. I now have more reverence and awe for the miracle of

life and sex than I ever had before. With deepest appreciation,

I thank you for this gift of rejuvenation you have given to me

and to so many others.

In Christ,

M. B.

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The Author

People have come to expect sound advice from Johann

Christoph Arnold, an award-winning author whose recent

books on sexuality, marriage, raising children, facing death,

forgiving, and finding peace have sold over 300,000 copies in

English and have been translated into 19 foreign languages.

In thirty years as a pastor and counselor, Arnold has

advised thousands of families and individuals, including

the terminally ill, prison inmates, and teenagers. A native of

Britain and father of eight grown children, he lives with his

wife Verena in upstate New York, where he serves as senior

minister for the Bruderhof - an international communal

movement dedicated to a life of simplicity, service, and

nonviolence. Arnold has been a guest on hundreds of

talk shows, and a speaker at numerous colleges and high

schools.

An outspoken social critic, Arnold advocates a consistent

reverence for life and has worked together with other

renowned peacemakers for reconciliation and justice in

many of the world's conflict zones. Recent journeys have

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Sex, God & Marriage The Author

taken him to Northern Ireland, the Middle East, and Central

America - and into schools, hospitals, refugee camps and

prisons.

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Notes

1For a summary of current data on the effects of non-marital sex, read Why

Marriage Matters: Reasons to Believe in Marriage in Postmodern Society,

by Glenn T. Stanton (Colorado Springs, CO: Pinon Press, 1997).

2Johann Christoph and Christoph Friedrich Blumhardt, Now is Eternity (Rifton,

NY: Plough, 1976), 13.

3Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation (New York: New Directions,

1972), 180.

4Quoted in Eberhard Arnold, Love and Marriage in the Spirit (Rifton, NY:

Plough, 1965), 102.

5Friedrich E. F. von Gagern, Der Mensch als Bild: Beiträge zur Anthropologie.

2nd ed. (Frankfurt am Main: Verlag Josef Knecht, 1955), 32.

6Quoted in Hans Meier, Solange das Licht Brennt (Norfolk, CT: Hutterian

Brethren, 1990), 17.

7Der Mensch als Bild, 33-34.

8Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Ethics (New York: Macmillan, 1975), 19.

9Der Mensch als Bild, 58.

10Love and Marriage in the Spirit, 152.

11J. Heinrich Arnold, Discipleship (Farmington, PA: Plough, 1994), 42.

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Notes

12Eberhard Arnold, Inner Land (Rifton, NY: Plough, 1976), 55-56.

13Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (New York: Macmillan,

1958)

95-96.

14Cf. Peter Riedemann, Confession of Faith (1540), (Rifton, NY: Plough, 1974),

98.

15Discipleship, 160-161.

16Ernst Rolffs, ed., Tertullian, der Vater des abendländischen Christentums:

Ein Kämpfer für und gegen die römische Kirche (Berlin: Hochweg, 1930),

31-32.

17Jean Vanier, Man and Woman He Made Them (New York: Paulist, 1994), 128.

18Friedrich von Gagern, Man and Woman: An Introduction to the Mystery of

Marriage (Cork, Ireland: Mercier, 1957), 26-27.

19I explore this theme in greater depth in my book A Little Child Shall Lead

Them: Hopeful Parenting in a Confused World (Farmington, PA: Plough,

1997).

20Johann Christoph and Christoph Friedrich Blumhardt, Thoughts About Children

(Rifton, NY: Plough, 1980), 29.

21Thoughts About Children, 9.

22Discipleship, 169.

23Discipleship, 177-178.