Long story short, I kinda got BANNED from pornHub. Yeah.
 
Like B
A
   N
N
    E
  D
***
No, I was not like ‘banned’ from pornHub. What the hell do I mean?
  What I mean is, it wasn’t pornHub that banned me. My mom did the job.
 
Chill mom, it’s not like I’m the only one who watches porn in the house. Perhaps our cat did it. Yeah, previously it had been looking for its mate….so it may have kinda got bored…..
 
Hear me out! I’m not running mad. You see, it all started with my phone running low on power.
   Then I went and found mom’s phone right on the charger.
Then I’m like, “Let me remove this phone, and I’ll put mine.”
   Then as I’m thinking about this, I get this weird thought.
  “Hey, I can be using mom’s phone while mine charges.
Good thing she's gone to church. "
And yeah, that’s how I hacked into my mom’s iPhone 6, and of course went laundering with what I do best.
   PORN!
 
So I’m in my bedroom downloading what? something like four of the lot. (They’re all HD by the way. Yeah, porn is good when in HD.)
    
     I hear a doorbell outside and I’m like, “Shit, she’s come.” I hide the phone in my pocket.
The place where we charge our phones is overlooking the doorway, so there’s definitely no way someone outside can’t see you.
 
        So she comes inside the house and the first thing she says is, “Where the hell is it?”
I’m like, “Here we go!”
“Where is my bedroom key?” I sigh, as she looks at me, her breath held.

     Of course the key is on the table but I have to make her follow me upstairs…..
 
“Hey, where is my key?” I grab her by the arm, something I had never done before and…..you guessed it….
 
I HUGGED MY  MOM! Dude I was so scared I couldn’t think of anything much better than that.
Do you know how many canes I was going to get if she found out I had been watching porn…again?
 
So there we are, I’m hugging her so tight and she’s hardly resisting. My mom had grown fat. Not in the offensive sense, but I mean, I couldn’t get my hands past her back.

Are you ok?” She says.
“Yeah, I’m good. It’s just that I have been so bored lately.”
“Son, I told you to come to Church, you refused. It’s not my problem the devil is disturbing you.”
 
I’m like, “Wait a minute, does the devil make people bored? Porn must be my Lord then.”
 
This mother-son bond ends when all over a sudden the phone in my pocket goes, “Brrrrr Brrrr Brrrr!”
 
The once ‘I love you son’ mom face changes to red.
“That’s my ringtone!”  She says. Goddamn. How could she remember her ringtone so fast?”
I’m like, “Mom, all phones do have it!” I search for the next word.

      “Well, mom. I think you are getting over yourself.” I say when the phone stops ringing. Whoever was calling  must have been touched by the Lord Jesus Christ. His grace must have told him I was in trouble. Thank you Jesus.
 
Mom is like, “You’re boring me. I am so tired right now. Take me to where the keys are.”