You either live it with him or me! Choice is yours. Me or him.
     
It's a Monday. Bitch me is lazy on Mondays. Momma knows that, and she knows it so much I kick the damn alarm with my overhead ....fuck.
    Overhead whatever. There is two types of bitch me no one would ever want to mess with. Bitch me on Monday.
     And bitch me when I have a nightmare. Now I probably wouldn't want to mess with bitch me on Monday after a nightmare.
       Now. How can I say this? There's a neighbour at our place. She's this very cute girl who rarely if ever speaks.
    The type that is full of extrovert, I mean, introvert kinda bs (bull steak). So your boy wants to get this girl.
      Your boy has no plan whatsoever. Your boy is skinny af and loves typing in third person. (Happens a lot. Ignore.)

      *****

"Someone took a banana." Mom shouts from the kitchen. I didn't take no banana.
   "Kevin?"
What? I took no damn banana. Alright I took it but not for eating. For practice...

"Kevin????" She's banging the door shut as I fling myself just in time.
     "You took your sister's breakfast, didn't you, you scrawny little pig."
  No no. My mom would never call me a scrawny little pig.
She actually said something like, "Where's it?"
      She either said that or, "Where's the banana?"

***
  
Don't be too hard on me. I'm not some acute memory freak.

***
"It's not me mom. I swear on my leg. It wasn't me."
She looks at me, then the leg, back at me, leg.
  "Whatchu mean?"

***

My sweet mom is getting Gen_z brainwashed. All those shows on TikTok are getting to her. Yester night she said to me, "Whatcha doing ?"
      Like what?
God save my sweet mom.
(If you didn't get it, me neither. Xoxo)

***

"Mom my leg hurts."
She pops that 'please-continue' look.
  I pause. I really hate lying to her. She's been so nice to me. She'd even just bought me a birthday gift.
Spoilers alert: it was not a spider

"Alright. I'ma tell the truth this time." Heavy sigh. Another 'please-continue' look.
   "I'm in love. Yes mom. That girl, the neighbor. Mom??"
   Like ice, she's frozen.
"Mom?"
   "Oh, sweetie. Go on."
"Mom, you're acting weird."
      "No it's alright. I'm just..."
"Just what mom?" I'm observing her.
       "Just overwhelmed. I've been so busy lately. How could I not have observed..."

***
   Yes ladies and gentlemen, that's mom. My mom. Tell her about being with a girlfriend and she'll forget you stole a banana.
   Oh, yes. For clarity, I took the banana for practice on how to kiss a girl.
   Don't judge me.

***

"It's not your fault mom. It's no one's fault really." We stand shoulder to shoulder. My mom is gorgeous. Not in that weird way but she's gorgeous in that good- cool super duper way.
     "What?" She notices my gaze.
"Nothing." I say, but then I blush. Ladies and gentlemen, when Kevin blushes, he speaks stuff.
   "You look gorgeous mom. For real, I'm not even joking. That red dress is perfect on you."
She smiles warmly, her face dimples lighting all the way to the ceiling. Now I can't stop blushing.
   "Oh really." Mom says clutching her right  hand onto me, "I'm actually late."
   Oh no. No no. Don't tell me she's going out on a date with that loser.
     She gives me a peck, "Behave yourself. We shall talk about this girl when I get back."
    "What about Carol?"
Mom is literally jumping, "What about her?"
She applies quick makeup.
    "By the way ma, I'm going for that show. I'm not back home till 8."
"8 am or pm? You better tell me it's not a.m, your sister needs you."
    "She's fourteen years for Chrissake ma. It's not like she needs help with homework and stuff."
    "I don't have time for this." She quick hugs me, "I'll be back ASAP. Tell Carol to behave."
"She's fourteen. As in four-TEEN."
   "Bye. Love you. And be back by 8 pm."
Before I can protest, the gate is closed and my sweet mom is out. Yeah.
   I really hate the way Carol is over pampered. I really do. Like gimme a break. When I was her age, no one ever pampered me the way she is
    
    If I have any plans for today, it's probably SpongeBob SquarePants (I fucking love Skidwad. Is it Squidward or Skidwad? Whatever.)
     Carol is coming back in half an hour from now. God, that girl is gonna give someone a bad mood today.
    Mom is on a date. With that loser Mike. Fat ugly piece of ...
  I've some plans to make. Urgent plans.