I exhale a shaky breath.

The air around me suffocating me with its sudden blow.

The bang of the exit school doors echo behind me.

The night dark around me.

How is the sky mirroring my feelings?

The air pierces me like stabs, a piercing punch to the gut.

The freezing breeze entering my lungs, I cough up a storm.

I look up to the light moon above, hiding between the branches of trees. Some leaves take the rake while others stay bare.

I feel disgusted either way.

I hate everything around me once more.

The sky paints a pink glow, blue streaks along with it as the sun sets, but the moon holds her power tonight. The darkness is overlooking the rest. Black sky with a little hint of those bright colors.

The moon has her power tonight!

And I want to die!

I find my way to my car which looks like a shadow in the dark.

Walking underneath the trees, I find myself behind the wheel with the door slamming echoing in my ear. As the actions settle in, the fog following my breath takes my vision and I look down at my trembling fingers. I didn't even know they were cold.

I graze the wheel, feeling the way the bumps ride around the curve before closing my eyes tight.

"It's okay, Nina, it's okay,"

My eyes squeeze shut as I take another shaky breath out, feeling my throat come out of my mouth and the cold air enters my lungs as I inhale.

It's okay.

I try to reassure myself as I decide to focus on the seat I sit on instead. Feeling the cushions, but I can't manage to focus on that either, all that's in my mind is the reminder of the awful confrontation of my feelings toward Andrew. That I'm a horrible person and I haven't done enough.

My eyes squeeze tighter and my lips close over each other.

I try to breathe, but it's getting harder.

And I suddenly feel the cold March air fill the interior of the car and my legs stick together like ice, stuck to the bottom of the car.

I want to cry but instead, I release a whimper.

My breath is still shaky as I try to force myself to be quiet.

I'm not allowed to feel this way. To be sad or to be happy.

I shouldn't be living after what I did to Andrew or rather, what I did to myself.

So I force myself to gulp down my sob and control my breathing to slow down so that it'll be easier to stop completely.

Stop completely

Stop completely

I feel myself drifting away in the feeling

That maybe I can stop living for a moment.

That I can avoid it all.

That my fear takes over me and that I die.

And suddenly everything is dark, just as it always has been.

Suddenly everything stops because I know I don't deserve to be here.

Stop

Stop

Stop ruining other people's lives

My best friends

Sally

With Andrew

And then Andrew

And then Tom

My mom, my brother too.

And me

But I'm the least important.

I caused it all because I was trying to be perfect, yet even when I did that, I still managed to let my breath fog up the whole scene. So mine as well not breathe anymore.

I can't hear my heart beating.

I feel my head dizzy.

Shh

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

STOP

What are you doing?!

You are enough!

You are human and you're doing the best you can!

You can't be perfect and don't expect yourself to be more because you never will be!

I never will be.

And that's okay.

And therefore, I'm okay.

Yes, I, Nina Haden made a mistake in my love life, left behind the best thing that came to me, but I was scared and believed I wasn't worthy of that love.

But see, I am worthy of it.

And that experience with Andrew made me realize that, made me see that I can be loved.

Even if my dad left me and even when my mom started to avoid me and gave me tons of work to cope with the separation.

I was worthy of love and I'm worthy of love.

I try to convince myself as I squeeze my eyes shut and Cannon breath out through my lips. An O shape forms and the shaky breath comes out of my chest and escapes my mouth.

I suddenly feel a big weight escape my stomach.

It's okay Nina.

It's okay.

It's just a moment and I made the best of it while I could.

It's totally okay.

Now, look, it's almost 4 o'clock and you have a piano class.

You can go to a piano class now.

Yay.

My self-consciousness tells me with its happy whisper of a voice exclaiming softly into my ear.

I manage a smile at the thought.

And I somehow agree with its encouragement.

I grip the wheel and reopen my eyes.

I take another breath out, a gulp downs my throat and I smile.

A tear then escapes from its lid and this time I let myself feel it. Don't try to control or block the sensation.

Breath.

I'm allowed to be here and to feel. To make some noise.

Feeling my hands loosen the tightness of its grip, I watch the black wheel leave the mark of my sweat.

It makes me smile as it vanishes, turning back to its clear black as if I had never touched it.

It's okay, it's just a moment, I remind myself.

And the quiet tears flow down my cheeks but this time as a release, something I need.

It's not just small, a little reassurance. It isn't shaky or controlled, I'm not ashamed. I'm trying to let out the bottled energy.

It just comes out, as if it had always been there. As if it were the easiest thing ever.

As they take their course down my face, the sob at my throat releases, my heart throbbing and I don't care how ridiculous I seem.

I let it all go, voice raspy as it goes into the space, spit connecting my gums as my mouth widens, allowing the sound to flow. It's embarrassing. So, I cry louder. Make it go away. These thoughts suck! It's not true!!!

The sobs become screams and the thoughts become whispers in my head.

It's then when the tears don't intimidate me.

It's then that I realize it's been my thoughts.

It's then when I can let them go.

And it's then when I finish.

The sound quickly settles down and I relax, my rapid breathing flowing my chest up and down.

The anger that has been gnawing at my insides has come out in those seconds and the mean voice in my head has said goodnight.

And it's then when I'm done. The remainder ink of water plastered on my cheeks wets my face. As quick as the sobs had begun, it stopped and the water splashes on my face play as a memory. I don't even realize the cold tears on my face until I take another breath in.

It's going to be okay.

I catch a glimpse of the hour and it's 4:00.

It's time to go.

It's going to be okay.

I take another deep breath, exhaling a shaky breath.

It's going to be okay.

"It's going to be okay," I whisper to myself as I grip the wheel, turning the ignition on, "It's going to be okay," all the while repeating those words over and over under my breath.

The clock reads 4:02

I better get going.

My eyes widen before I release a laugh.

"It's going to be okay," I say more confidently, instead of a phrase in the background.

My chuckles rising up my throat, I smile.

"It's going to be okay," and it's more convincing this time.

I'm aware of my current location once again, feeling the inside of my car and taking the sensations in.

And I go turning out of my parking position.