I can't stop smiling, the edges of my lips feel like they're breaking. But I can't help it.

A light that had dimmed around me is now everywhere.

I'm so excited to start my lessons of piano!

Or rather - piano lessons!

After a few more dance classes, sweating my brains out as usual, shirt sticking to me despite it being absolutely freezing outside, the teacher and I then talked.

He pulled me aside after class one day and he told me when he was available and I couldn't help but agree to not only one time slot but all of them. So, I'll be doing it more than once a week!

!!

!

Yay!!!!

I know this is weird but I just can't help but jump up and down each time I think of this. Each time I think of that piano and even just touching it. It just sends a thrill down my toes.

I can't wait to play the piano with the sun shining through the room.

I think about the feeling of the sun hitting off the piano and reflecting into me as I wake up, eat my breakfast and walk to school.

The thought of the sun lighting me up as I play the piano keeps me warm in the cold morning walks. The snow not interrupting me, the numb feeling not fazing me, instead all it's doing is contributing to the beautiful feeling of this happiness. Happiness? Is that right?

Yes it is!

I know, it's weird to think of myself as happy after all that's happened, but, I'm finding this new found peace and discovery in myself that I never thought would be possible. I never thought that finding myself would be fun, fulfilling and make me feel oh so happy!

I sigh, breathing in the fresh air that hits like a soft wave.

Then, just as fast as the brisk walk began, the sun that peeked from the trees disappear as I enter the school.

Cold prickling my skin now as I sit at my desk despite the heaters being used in March.

Odd.

Why am I cold inside where it's warm and hot outside where it's cold?

But, I don't think much of it as I take a deep breath in and send a little prayer for a good day.

It's Friday, so I'll be leaving school right as the bell rings to then go to my dance class that'll follow my piano class.

I usually leave earlier than I'm supposed to so I can get there. You'd think people would notice, but nobody gives a crap about the upperclassmen, let's be honest though, they don't care much about the freshmen either.

Which is fine by me, at least I get to leave unnoticed!

Sitting on my desk, barely able to concentrate as I watch the clock tick away, I can't help but smile each time I jolt up at the thought of playing the piano soon.

The teachers come and go as classes switch to the next period to the next and next and next.

Each time, I sit down at a desk, a new classroom routine yet all the same for I can't concentrate.

I guess it's true, some habits are hard to break. Or is it - they die hard?

Maybe I should pay more attention in school and then I'll know the saying.

No, I honestly doubt that.

Nevermind.

The remainder of the period, I zone out and watch the brown circle clock that sits on top of the whiteboard.

Head resting in hand and elbow resting on the desk, I blink a few times and then the bell rings.

My bored mood is immediately transformed as I jump out of my seat and a smile lands on my face.

I run out of the room, almost tackling people to get out of the entrance, but thankfully, because I sat in the front, nobody is really in my way.

Smiling, now out the door and walking to my last class of the day, a pep in my step with the thought of piano, I finally do bump into someone walking the opposite way.

All I see for a second is brown hair, strings flying around, all in a different shade, with curls blocking my vision. And then as I open my eyes and step away, I see who these curls belong to.

Both of our eyes widen the second we see each other.

"Alexandra,"

"Nina,"

We both say at the same time, mouths open.

Her pink lipstick shines the space between her teeth as she bursts into laughter.

Though I'm surprised by the reaction, I can't help but follow suit.

How could I be surprised anyway, It's Alex!

"Oh, my god, it's been forever!" she exclaims as she smiles, a hand pointing at me.

I don't know what to do, so I shrug.

It really has been awhile.

"Where've you been?" I don't even get the chance to answer as she blabbers on, "I honestly thought our meeting would be awkward what with all that's -" she stops talking.

And this is where it gets awkward.

Our eyes meet, her green eyes shining more than usual and she seems guilty for bringing the topic up.

We both don't know what to do.

I haven't seen her since she went to New York and it's been like four months. I also haven't talked to any of the friends and I think we all know why. And knowing Alex, she probably regrets even talking to me because of all the mess I have made.

But then I shrug again.

Less rigid this time and my smiling popping out.

Who cares what I have done, I can't do anything about that now.

And Alex grows relaxed again too.

Her smile pops out the dimples on her brown skin and Alex is comfortable again.

"Oh my god!" She exclaims, "you look so beautiful too! Just look at those new waves! They really suit you!" She stares at me adoringly, her eyes almost vanishing with how high her cheeks go.

I can't help but blush, not knowing what to do, with another shrug of my shoulders.

"Just, wow, I wanted to say it the second I saw you today, but, I'm glad I at least got a chance to. Just wow, you looking smoking!"

Another blush enters my already warm cheeks as I stare down at my hair that cascades down my shoulders. Now I can see that they're flowing more than usual. And I hadn't even noticed before. Wow.

Where are my priorities Nina?

"Well, I'll see you around, okay, beautiful?"

I nod.

No need to use words as we wave and go our separate ways.

The blush still stays on my cheeks and I suddenly feel more beautiful than before.

Occasionally stealing a glance at my now long hair, I walk down the hall to my next class. I assume they're suddenly this long because I haven't cut them in a while and probably they're a mess of split ends. But I can't focus on that for too long because, the waves that ruffle beneath me, shine as some sunlight peeks through from the windows. As if being reminded by the sun with this little visit into the school, that usually feels so dark, is telling me that my hair indeed is beautiful in its new long ruffles, brown and golden stripes. 

I feel warmer now in school than I did before.

I'm more ready for class.

~~~~~~~~

The chapter of this day is <<I can't help it>>.

~~~~~~~

With the last class of the day, I almost decide to completely zone out as my chin sinks into my wrist, my face squishing as my eyes close.

I'm so tired.

I just can't wait to play the piano.

I mean, come on already.

I whine in my head as the health teacher instructs the class.

The class grumbles beside me but I don't pay much attention.

It seems today is just a bunch of presentations and as a fellow classmate I should listen along, but, I'm taking this invitation of the room being so cozy and not so bright to sneak a little rest. #sleep.

With my eyes closed and teenager's voices playing in the background, I almost fall asleep. It feels like I do because the sun that used to shine through the wide windows beside me darken and the rumble of students quieten.

But then the sound of my voice surprises me and then another name is called and it scares me instead. I jolt back up in my seat.

The whole class is staring back at me.

But I don't take much notice.

I stare ahead and it feels so dark as my heart beat sinks in my chest.

Sitting up, I feel my name being called again but I don't hear it.

I stand up, my legs jello beneath me as I wobble. My hands steadying me with them placed behind my seat.

"Please Nina Haden, present for you and your partner today," he tells me and I obey without taking note that I'm already halfway through the classroom and then at the front.

I don't feel anything. I feel a light is on but not on me. I feel cold and small yet grounded and strong as my feet stay still beneath me.

How is this possible?

My focus goes back to Mr. Gillian who prefers students calling him professor but even the best of students never did.

He's the only thing I can see right now as almost the rest of the room fades, his voice nearly sinking in as I see his mouth move.

A split second after I hear the words.

But I don't move. I look down.

"Nina?"

Staring back forward, the room slowly comes back to life.

"You'll be presenting for both you and Andrew."

My chest hollows in as if someone just punched me at the sound of his name.

"But, since he's not here, he still sent the amazing work you two did together and it's okay that you just present," he informs, nodding at me, encouraging me with a slight nod.

But I don't manage a smile and I barely comprehend his words.

Andrew did the project?

Where is he?

I search the room for a quick second, my eyes scanning the seats, faces forming but none registering and then there's an empty seat. But there are plenty of empty seats that I didn't know which one was his.

I look back down and take a deep breath.

"Are you ready?" The teacher asks. My focus is back on him as the computer in front of me showcases some sort of slideshow with Mr.Gillian's hand on the keypad. 

He's staring at me.

I still don't nod, but he turns the projector on anyway.

The light feels violent as it makes the words on the slideshow even bigger, the tears in my eyes thicker, and the block in my throat heavier.

I thought I'd been over this by now.

I thought I didn't have this problem anymore.

I've been good. I've been dancing, I'm gonna go play the piano.

I don't understand.

I didn't even do the project, I should go.

I shouldn't take the credit.

I should tell the teacher.

Andrew did it.

He did it?

I don't understand.

I'm all alone in this dark room with everyone's eyes on me.

I feel cold, wet and dark in the room. I feel so small as I stand, my hair long and wavy not so comforting and the little dress I had put on today feeling widely stupid on my skinny form.

I look back at the computer that glares at me its white screen. My eyes droop and feel tired underneath its gaze as I read the title. 'Sex?' a funny font used, with a pretty design beside it. 

I take a breath in as a gulp follows.

The words written on the screen don't sink in as I say them out loud, pretending to be confident with my presentation.