I wake up and it's a bright fog that I'm encountered with.

A kiss that makes me feel like smiling but I brush it off and begin to groan, scrunching my eyes in distress, annoyance.

Waking up to the morning white light, it's hinting that it's a gray day outside and the sun is hidden.

I uncover my blankets harshly, the cold hitting harshly and I harshly stand up. Hasty with all my movements. Scrunching my eyebrows as each step I take causes more frustration to take over me, rake my body, and I'm easily triggered. With the sight of myself in the morning, the small bathroom closing in and groaned again. Changing clothes, brushing teeth, looking outside the curtains, each a groan, groan, groan, groan.

I can't seem to do anything right, nothing seems to do anything right for me. I stub my socked toe and I don't even have the decency to groan, I only glare at the corner of the bed. Why?

At this point, I've got enough of my pouting aura out and I'm simply going to go on with my day with a frown and no care in the world.

A new start to the year and acting just as I had started before, before I met Andrew. Ya, I'm going to be the bitchy bitch teenager, ungrateful and mad at the world that has disappointed her so much. I won't even try to be happy, be good, or make myself feel good.

I stop. Kitchen counter in front of me, orange juice bottle in hand, I stop. My anger gone and my tight jaw relaxing and I realize where I am, standing. Standing in my kitchen and realize -no.

No, I don't wanna feel this way. No, that would be going backwards. Doing what he would want me to do is what everyone would expect out of me and I can't do that.

Scrunching my eyebrows down, it's decided, I've convinced myself to not go and be my past self and say it's to prove them wrong, I convince my ego.

I don't think I realized it though at that time, but inside, I knew how to trick my ego by making it think it led me with this idea. I tricked myself so much and it thought it was it's idea.

Get it?

I felt proud of myself and took one more gulp of orange juice and began to walk.

I felt a song play, if this was a movie, and out I went into the world, opening the door and entering the snowy streets and wet driveways, cold fog following my breath and a splash with each step.

I might've been mad, mad at myself and this awful world, and I might've still had a scrunch to my eyebrows but how could I stay so mad when the silence of white trees were just so beautiful. A beautiful sight.

Mad I am, I convinced myself. I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm mad. Ya, I'm mad.

I'm simply observing the beautiful air around me and how much I'm mad. Ya, loving the view but I'm still mad.

Each thought drilling me on to the next neighborhood and each thought making my tense face ease and I already felt more at ease.

And the rush cool air hit my face so pleasantly that I didn't even realize how important this weather and energy was until I entered my school and the cold pleasure became hot despair. The coat wrapped around me felt tight and sweaty. I had to quickly take this thing off, I thought.

My eyes scanned the hallway in front of me, leading the way to classes on each side and students crowding around each corner. Kids screaming, laughing, weeps of joy and the rush of school came crashing back to me like a wave and I suddenly craved the cold air. I felt like crying, but I kept moving.

Scarf around neck, gloves on hands, eyes glued to blurry bodies that mixed with the population of stupid kids, and I continued my way, finding my locker.

Opening the locker with the code cracking between fingers, it happened so naturally, each movement feeling like second nature, I didn't take in the fact my coat was off, gloves gone, scarf no more and locker closed yet again.

Walking with books in hands and suddenly no longer hot from heaters but was bearable, I walked. To the class I didn't know what was, but knew just which one to go to.

The wave of my brown hair bouncing beneath me, feeling the wet plops of snow melting and dripping down my red sweater, it planted on the white paper on my desk.

Eyes following the plop that spread upon the once dry paper…

I'm sitting
Sitting at my desk.

I realize.

See, look, Nina, you can do this!

A small smile reaches my cheeks.

I feel okay.

I can do this.

Looking ahead, the professor standing tall, pacing in front of the class and white board behind him- I can do this, I thought as I listened in, taking notes with a smile on my face.

This year was going to be different.

It was going to be fun.

I was gonna have fun.

New Year, new school day, and a new hope to begin.

I'm going to focus, focus on class, focus on me, focus on how I feel.

I don't need him or anybody else.

I'm going to start over, allow new possibilities instead of going in rotation.

No longer going through the days like a zombie.

I'm going to try.

Listen in class!

Read- maybe?

Write - definitely!

Do my art programs- yes!

Join the after school flyer I saw!

I'm going to do it!

I felt accomplished!

The bell ringed and the class left. I hadn't listened to a thing.

Shit!

I thought as I sat there on the brown singular desk.

It's okay.

It's okay, Nina.

You'll start next class.

You needed this class for a plan class. Just to start off. A preparation. Some habits are hard to change.

It's okay.

I'll catch up!

Next class, I go! Next class, an opportunity to learn to change my habits!

I got this!

Yes!

Nina! New year, new school day!