"I've told you she wasn't ready."

Severus' voice was cold, and you could hear his rage dripping from his voice. The order was silent, for the first time, they did not even bother to argue with him. Perhaps because he was talking about you, and they knew how much he cared for you.

You went on your first mission with the order that night, and it almost failed because of you. But you did not follow the plan because you were trying to help Arthur. If you did not come to help him, he would be dead. Not that it mattered because in their eyes, or in Severus' eyes, you made a mistake. He could not tolerate a mistake during missions, not even when you were the one who did it.

"I'm sorry, Sev. I promise I didn't mean—"

"Are you sure you didn't mean to ignore my orders and put everyone's life in danger?"

He spat, glaring at you. You felt a lump in your throat when you realised he was really angry at you. You could not form any word to fight him. You wanted to defend yourself, but you knew he was right. You were putting everyone's life on the line with the mistake you made. You were ashamed of yourself now, feeling all eyes in the room was on you. He was right, you should take the blame.

"Severus, that's enough. Y/N saved my life."

Arthur intervened, trying to stop Severus from saying things that he might regret later. But Severus just shook his head, and he would never stopped until his point was proven.

"That doesn't help the fact that we almost failed because of her."

His words stung, and you felt tears welled in your eyes. You never thought that he would say that to you. Of course, you never expected a special treatment from him just because both of you were together. You understood if he was angry with you. But upon hearing his caustic words, you were disappointed. You were disappointed with yourself, for being so weak while he was nothing near that.

"We almost failed but we didn't. Get it in your head and stop rebuking her."

Sirius interrupted, unable to just sit and listen anymore. Remus put a hand on his shoulder, trying to stop him but he did not listen to his friend. He was your friend, and he knew how much those harsh words were affecting your mind and he expected better from Severus.

Severus groaned, not liking the fact that Sirius was disagreeing with him. His mind was clouded with anger, mostly because you were putting yourself in such a dangerous situation, but he just had the wrong way of showing it to you.

"I'm sorry. I will follow your orders on our next mission. You should trust me."

You managed to get the words out, thinking that he had calmed down. But you were flabbergasted when he shook his head.

"There is no next mission for you."

"You cannot do that to me, Severus!"

You retorted, your disappointment turned into anger then vanished into sadness as you realised he was not giving you any mission in the future. The others were shocked as well when they heard his words.

"Believe me, I can do that to you after what you did today."

He scoffed, and you were going to argue with him but you stopped when Sirius chuckled bitterly.

"You have no right to stop her."

You knew Severus hated it when Sirius started to interfere, but even you agreed with Sirius at the moment. You never wanted anyone to fight because of you, but that night, it happened.

Everyone was trying to knock some sense into his head. Thus, you bit your tongue and stayed silent, knowing you were the reason of the fight. You could hear Severus' voice that was not matching Sirius' yell, but it held the same anger. You also listened to Molly who was trying to defend you, and Arthur, also Remus who tried to stop the argument.

Hot tears boiled in your eyes as the noise intensified and you thought you had enough. You thought that it would stop but it did not. It only got worse when his next choice of words struck you in the heart.

"You should trust Y/N more, Severus."

Molly said, but the Potions Master just glared daggers at her.

"Trust her? If I trust her, she will only be a burden to me."

Severus bellowed, his wounding words shattered your heart. Everyone was surprised that he would say that, and slowly, the realisation dawned to him. He cursed himself for following his blind rage, and he knew he had hurt you too much.

His eyes landed on you and the sight of you pulled on his heartstrings. Your body was trembling as you tried to hold back your sobs, tears streamed down your face and your eyes were filled with devastation and pain. He had caused your pain. Severus regretted his imprudent words, knowing that it was not true.

"Y/N, I didn't mean that."

He walked closer to you, reaching out to pull you into his arms but you were quick to back away from him. Not only he doubted you, but he broke your heart like you meant nothing to him. He made you feel like you were useless, and he told that in front of everyone. At this point, you wondered, did he ever love you?

"Don't worry. I will not be going to the next mission and you don't have to ever see me again."

You gathered all your courage to say that to him, and when you did, his eyes grew wide. You were leaving him. The only person who kept up with him, showing him love and adoration, was leaving him. 

"I don't want to be a burden to you."

Your voice cracked, and you turned to leave before you could break down into tears again in front of everyone. You walked as fast as you could, knowing that he would try to stop you from leaving.

You were outside of the Grimmauld Place when he caught your arm, pulling you into his chest. You pushed him away, but he kept you in place, fear clouded his mind at the fact that you were leaving him.

"Please forgive me."

You knew he was genuine, but you were hurt. You never thought that his words would affect you, but it did. Everything that came from him meant so much to you because you loved him. You did not care if the world was against you as long as he was on your side. However, it did not happen that way.

"There's nothing to forgive. You said the right things."

Severus almost winced at how cold you sounded, as if you had never known him. You were slipping away from his fingers, and he was not letting you go.

"I wish you would've told me sooner that I'm a burden to you."

He breathed in sharply, his heart was torn out of his chest when it reminded him that he was the one who hurt you. And if he ever lost you, it was his fault.

"Please don't leave me..."

He begged, and you saw tears in his eyes. You wanted to stay and pretend as if nothing had changed, but you could not. Not after what he said to you. Perhaps you were not good enough for him, and you were not staying just because he asked you to.

"Did you ever love me, Severus?"

You asked, hoping that his answer would change your mind. You knew the answer right away when he did not answer you. He just looked you in the eyes, and his grip around your waist loosened.

"You don't..."

You whispered, tears rolled down upon your cheeks. You chuckled half-heartedly, forcing a smile on your face as the pain in your chest was getting stronger each time you looked at him. 

"I love you, you know. I would do anything for you. I would even die for you!"

You were screaming now, unable to keep your anger that was bubbling in your chest. Severus felt a pang of guilt in his chest, but he realised he could not say anything to calm you down. He cared about you, truly, he did. But he was unlucky in love, that he believed in and now he was losing you.

"I need you in my life. Please trust me."

His voice was breaking, but you did not notice it. Perhaps you should've listened to your mind when you fell in love with him— You were too naive to understand him. You were too weak to match his strength. You were not for him.

"I'm not the one for you. I should've seen this sooner."

You muttered under your breath, wiping your tears away. You tried to get out of his arms, and he did not stop you. There was no point in stopping you. He knew you long enough to see that you made up your mind and nothing could change it.

"I understand if you want to leave me but please know, you are never a burden to me."

You smiled sadly at his words and nodded, pressing a soft kiss on his cheek. Severus curled his hands in fists, holding back his tears as he watched you leave. He realised if you were leaving him, you would never come back. But he also knew, that perhaps you would have a better life without him. At least you knew that you were not a burden, but you were a gift; A gift that he had taken for granted, and the guilt that he did not appreciate you were his burden to carry for his whole life.

"Goodbye, Severus."

-
oops i owe you a fluff after this

4th January 2020