young! severus x reader
with a little bit of
adult! severus x reader
-

Severus stared at you who was sitting next to him, guilt crawled over his chest when your eyes that used to be sparkling in excitement were now glistened in tears of dejection, your lips quivered as no words could be utter out, the silence was slowly killing him as he knew you were heartbroken to even say anything.

"It wasn't meant to come this far, I swear."

He muttered, his wounding words stabbed you in the heart even deeper, leaving a hole that was permanent and could never be healed by anybody else.

"So you just wanted to use me?"

You asked, voice breaking as a tear rolled down upon your cheek, shattering Severus' heart as he had never seen you cry before. He never knew how painful it was to see your tears because of him, and now he started to regret his decision, wanting nothing more but to gather you in his arms and tell you that he was sorry with everything he said.

"No, Y/N. It's not like that—"

"Am I that disposable to you?"

You cut him off, anger was clouding your mind as you glared at Severus, the one who you thought as the love of your life, but he had the audacity to steal your heart and crush it with his bare hands, throwing your love away like it meant nothing to him.

Perhaps you really meant nothing to him.

"You're not disposable to me, Y/N."

He stated sternly, hoping that you would understand how precious you were in his eyes. But he knew it was hard to make you believe his words, considering of how long he had been lying to you, and he was a fool for not letting you know the truth. He never meant to use you, or hurt you, but it was too late for him to see how bad he was causing you pain.

"I can't believe that you were toying with my heart."

You shook your head, wiping your tears that started to stream down your face freely, exposing of how devastated you were, even if it seemed like Severus would not care about how hurt you were.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. You're not supposed to know this way."

He apologised, trying to reach out for your hand, but you were quick to slap his hand away. You were disgusted, and you did not want to be touched by him, not after you discovered that he did not love you like he always said, it was merely an act that he pulled on to make you believe in his story and you did.

"I'm nothing but a bet to you. It's a good thing I overheard it from them or else I would be a fool for believing your lies forever."

You spat, venom was dripping from your voice, making Severus winced at how hostile you sounded to him and it was so unlike you. You were so gentle and kind with your words, careful not to hurt anyone and especially him.

The Marauders made a bet with Severus, that if he could make a girl fall in love with him, he would win and James would leave Lily alone. That particular girl they chose was you, knowing that you had never cared about those flirty comments that were sent to you, you rejected boys who wanted you politely and everyone knew you were not looking for love while you were in school.

They were sure that Severus would lose because they would never expect that you would fall in love with him. But you did, you fell in love with Severus Snape blindly, without knowing that he was using you to get to Lily, as naive as it might sound but it happened. You never thought he was the kind of person who would use you for his own good, and he broke your trust.

"I was— I was going to tell you the truth, Y/N. Please trust me."

He was close to tears upon seeing how enraged you were with him. It was not an exaggeration to say that he loved your companion since the day he made the bet, knowing that you brought a light into his dull life, but now that the dreadful truth was out; Severus doubted you would want to stay by his side anymore.

"The truth that you made me fall in love with you just so you can have Lily all for yourself?"

You scoffed, and as much as Severus wanted to deny your words, he knew that it was true. His silence ripped your heart out of your chest, confirming your words as the truth and you nodded weakly.

"I'm sorry for not being her."

You whispered defeatedly, wanting to despise Severus but you could not. Your heart was his, as your soul was bounded to him, and you wondered how foolish you were to still loved him after all he had done to you.

"Don't say that, Y/N. You know you worth more than that."

Severus croaked, concerned with how lowly you were feeling about yourself. You always walked with your head up and a proud smile on your face, no words from others could bring you down and he adored it. Sometimes he wished he would have your confidence, realising how happy it made you feel to be proud of what you had instead of feeling vulnerable to compare your life with others.

But Severus knew he had broke you, and he had stirred something in you that shattered you completely, trapping you in a thought that you were not enough.

"If I were her, you would love me, wouldn't you?"

You asked, chuckling bitterly as Severus frowned. It hurt him deeply to know that you were in pain, but Severus was sure he did not love you like he loved Lily. Surely, he cared for you but not in a way that he would die or kill for you, but still, something was telling him that one day he would regret everything he did to you.

"You're special to me, Y/N."

"Stop saying things that you didn't mean, Snape."

His heart was split into two when you called him with his last name, as if you were a stranger to him, and he knew there was no way you were going to forgive him.

"I mean every word that I said."

"Of course, you did. Except when you said you loved me."

You retorted, starting to leave him as your mind was fogged with rage and devastation, not wanting to do something that you might regret later. Severus followed you closely, trying to think of a way to make you feel better.

He wished he could say that you were wrong, and that he meant it when he said he loved you— But then that would be another lie. Severus did not want to feed you with bittersweet lies anymore.

"Y/N, trust me, you're worthy of love. There's somebody else out there who could love you better that I ever did."

You stopped dead on your tracks at his words, turning around and walk towards him. Severus backed away when he saw how furious you were, and it frightened him a bit when you pushed his chest angrily, tears welled up in your eyes.

"You never did love me, Snape!"

He could tell that you were trying so hard not to break down into tears again, and he blamed himself for it. You shook your head at his attempt to make you feel good about yourself, all he ever did was making you feel worse about everything else.

"You never did, so don't try to talk about love to me now."

You hissed, your lips trembled slightly as tears threatened to spill from your eyes. Severus breath hitched, as you slowly took a few steps away from him, dropping your gaze on the ground.

"I loved you so much. I still love you, but I hate you just as much."

You said almost in a whisper, walking away from him while he froze there, not knowing what to do. He knew there was no use of following you or trying to talk to you, your heart was broken and he could not mend it— Not after what he had done to hurt you.

He found himself not being overjoyed as James told him grumpily that he won, and James would leave Lily alone from now on. Severus did not know how to feel. He was supposed to be over the moon, but every time he saw Lily, he was reflected with how disappointed and hurt you were, and he could not bring himself to forget those feelings in your eyes. She was the reason you walked away from him, but it was his fault entirely.

The guilt was eating him alive, and as he was used to have you by his side, now he felt empty without having your cheerful voice greeted him every morning, or your enchanting smile that could take his burden off his shoulders every day. Severus was seeing how important your presence was to him, and he wondered if you were missing him too.

Severus had Lily by his side, but he yearned to feel your gaze on him as he sat in the Great Hall, hoping that you would spare him a glance. But you never did. It was as if he never existed in your life, and he felt even worse when he realised that it was as if you had never existed.

Your friendly exterior was no longer there as you started to shrink into your cold demeanours, shrugging off everyone around you and stayed in your own bubble with your thoughts. Severus was worried, as he could no longer see your alluring smile or hear your angelic laughs, not even when you were with your friends.

He really thought you would move on with your life happily, trying to rub it on his face about how content you were without him but it never happened. You were getting lonely, distancing yourself from everyone and buried your face in your books as an excuse, but Severus knew better that you were hurting.

Hence he decided to find you when you sat alone in the library, your eyes were on the fascinating pages of a book, but your thoughts were far away from it. He took a seat across you, clearing his throat but you still did not look up at him.

"Y/N, are you alright?"

You looked at him, for the first time since it happened, and Severus could see how exhausted you were. You were tormenting yourself because of his doing, and he would never forgive himself for it. He could tell that you did not eat and sleep properly by your fatigue expression, and a pang of guilt hit him hard.

Without saying anything to him, you stood up from your chair and left. Your silence stung, and he hoped he could hear your voice once again, even if you just spoke to hurt him but it would be better rather than to have your silence.

Severus would do anything to help you, but he knew you would never allow him to be close to you after what happened. He had disappeared from your life, and he realised it when he walked in the hallway with Lily. He was walking to his class with her, and his heart dropped when he saw you from the other way. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt you even further so he panicked, not wanting you to see him and Lily but to his surprise, you just walked along, ignoring him.

He believed he deserved the treatment that you gave him, but you did not deserve everything you were going through in your life because of him.

Severus watched over you from afar, hoping that you would be fine, trying to protect you without you knowing. He knew you did not need his protection, but he was used to do it, he never pretended to care for you because he really did.

Years gone by since he left Hogwarts, and he had never seen you ever again. Severus could only wished for your eternal happiness, knowing that he owed you one, as he was happy with his life now because of what he did to you. He was happy, but he was not peaceful with his life, the guilt never stopped consuming him as he thought of you.

The sight of you being so heartbroken would be forever engraved in the front of his mind, leading him to live in guilt, while being happy with what he had after he hurt you for his own good.

Severus never thought he would see you again but that day was a miracle to him. He was with his children in the Diagon Alley, looking for their things since school was starting soon, and his eyes suddenly landed on a familiar figure. He inhaled sharply when he recognised you.

He could not stop himself as he walked over to you, almost forgetting that he was there with his children who had a myriad of questions in their minds with the way their father was behaving. You looked as beautiful as ever, smiling sweetly at the customers who asked for your help. He was praising internally about how graceful and gentle you looked like, so gorgeous that he had to remind himself he was a married man. You were so kind to the customers, something that he knew years ago, about your golden heart.

Severus almost forgot of how contagious your smile was, and a small smile was cracked on his lips as he stood in front of you, but out of the blue he did not know what to say when you looked up at him.

"Y/N, it's good to see you again."

He breathed out, unable to express how he was feeling to see you again. He wanted to tell you about his guilt and his dejection, begging for your forgiveness so that he could live his life peacefully but now as he saw you again, his mind was empty and it was fogged with the memories of you. Your caustic words that caused him guilt would forever be scarred in his mind.

"Am I that disposable to you?"

"The truth that you made me fall in love with you just so you can have Lily all for yourself?"

"If I were her, you would love me, wouldn't you?"

"I loved you so much. I still love you, but I hate you just as much."

You did not say anything when you saw him standing in front of you, wrecking his nerves as he waited for your reaction. He was ready for anything, but he really hoped that he was deserving to get your forgiveness.

For a moment, Severus saw a glint of excitement twinkling in your eyes, the way you used to look at him before everything unfolded so painfully. But it soon vanished when you glanced at his children, and the feeling was replaced with something that he could not fathom, something so odd that he never saw before.

"I'm sorry but I don't know you, sir."

To say that his heart was breaking was an understatement, as your words tugged on his heart strings, drowning him in a pool of regret and agony. There was no way you did not know him, but perhaps it was the better for you, so he nodded weakly.

You gave him a smile, the one that he would hold onto for the rest of his life, bathing himself with guilt as he watched you walked away from him, once again, as he did not try to stop you. Severus stared, heartsick, as he believed it was supposed to be that way, a wave of sorrow washed over him that he knew would never stop as long as you never forgave him.

He never knew what he had until he lost you.

-
1st February 2021