angst, with a capital letter A :')

this story was inspired by Lana Del Rey's song, Dark Paradise. I suggest you to listen to the song while reading this!
I also put the lyrics in the story just to separate the timeline (You don't have to read the lyrics though because they are not related to each paragraph)

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I do while writing it! 🖤
-

It felt as if your world was crashing down like a paper plane when the news struck you. Your heart stopped and you hoped you would die but you did not. You were very much alive, but your heart died with the one you loved.

"Y/N, it's all gonna be alright..."

Minerva's voice shook you from your train or thoughts. You looked at her and fell on your knees, breaking down into tears. You had been holding them for too long. You did not want to believe that he was gone.

He promised you that he would be fine. He swore to you that he would come home to you. Everything would go back to normal and you could live your perfect life with him, very much in love with each other.

"No, Severus can't leave me..."

You sobbed, unable to contain your agony. Minerva wrapped her arms around you comfortingly. You did not mind as others saw your pain and tears. The broken building of Hogwarts was none of your concern anymore. Your heart was troubled.

You lost your husband.

-
All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ah, that's how you sing it
Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ah, that's how we play it
-

You could see Harry from the corner of your eyes. He was looking at you, his eyes were glistened with tears. You tried to stop your crying but you could not. The pain was growing in your chest, swallowing the fact that Severus Snape, the love of your life has died.

Love of your life...

You always doubted whether you were the first one in his heart. Years ago, when you started to fall in love with the Potions Master, you were scared.

You were scared that you would be a second choice to him, knowing that he had his love before you. You were just a naive young professor. Why would he love you?

Afraid of rejection, you distanced yourself from him, unaware that it was hurting him as well. Severus finally had enough and he revealed his true feelings for you.

"I love you, Y/N and I want you to trust me."

You could still remember how he whispered those words sweetly into your ears. You could still remember how he summoned his Patronus, announcing his undying love for you.

"Your Patronus, Severus... It has changed."

-
And there's no remedy for memory your face
Is like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is hunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
-

You breathed in awe as his Patronus came in front of you. You knew very well of his Patronus, but now when he was confessing his love for you, his Patronus had changed.

"I love you. Only you, Y/N."

He came closer, and you smiled. His Patronus had changed. It was not a doe anymore. It was the same as your Patronus, symbolizing his strong love for you.

"I love you too, Severus."

And you kissed him. You kissed him again and again, declaring your love towards each other. That day, you knew you wanted to spend your whole life with him. You wanted nothing more but to love him and to be loved by him.

The memories disappeared from your mind as you felt a hand on your shoulder. You looked up and realised Harry had tears streamed down his face, his heart was in sorrows to see you so devastated.

"He loved you so much, Professor. His last thought was about you."

Harry stated, smiling sadly at you. You were always so kind to him, giving him love of a mother that he never knew he would get from Professor Snape's wife. It shattered him to see you in sadness.

-
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
-

"His last thought was about you, and your baby..."

Harry managed to get the words out, choking on his own tears. You smiled painfully and put a hand on your belly, as if your unborn child could understand what was going on.

"Y/N, you're pregnant..."

Minerva breathed out, tears began to pool in her eyes. You nodded and let out a shaky breath. No one knew about the baby. It was a secret between you and your husband. You discovered about it a few weeks before the war happened.

"He was scared, Minerva. But our child gave him strength."

You whispered, smiling softly. You did not realise that your words were making people around you break into tears, unable to hold back their sadness for you.

"Our child..."

-
All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
Ah, that's why I stay here
-

You did not realise when but Molly came to wrap her arms around you, replacing Minerva as the old professor could not stay any longer without crying her eyes out. Her heart was broken to see everything that unfolded in front of her that day.

"It's alright, Y/N. We're here for you."

Molly whispered, as she saw a heartbroken woman— a bereaved wife in her arms. That was not you.

She knew you way before you met Severus. Your eyes would hold such zest and enthusiasm that could motivate people around you easily. You brought light upon everyone's life. But Molly did not find the gleam in your eyes anymore. Your light had died down, along with your husband.

"Why, Molly? We deserve to be happy too. Why is this happening to us?"

Your voice was small and broken, and Molly just held you in her arms. She knew nothing that she said was going to change anything.

"He's my first love. My only one."

-
And there's no remedy for memory your face
Like a melody, it won't lift my head
Your soul is hunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
-

Severus loved when you said that to him. He adored the fact that he was your first love, and your last. Whenever you said those words to him, he would get flustered and a smile would be plastered on his face.

"I love you so much, darling."

He would say, caressing your face with his hands as he crushed his lips with yours, kissing you like the world was only built for both of you.

You felt as if you were floating when they helped you up on your feet. You wanted to see your husband, perhaps for the last time.

You needed to see with your own eyes that your husband was gone and this was not some kind of a sick joke that your husband played on you with the help of his friends.

"Severus, my love..."

You cried out, getting out of their grasp as your eyes landed on Severus's body. You kneeled beside him carefully, forcing a smile on your face.

"We're here for you, love."

You whispered, kissing his cold forehead softly. You blinked your tears away and nodded weakly when you realised that your husband was really gone.

There he was, lying in front of you, lifeless.

"I love you, Severus Snape. I'll love you until the day I die."

-
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
But there's no you, except in my dreams tonight
-

That night as you were drifting off to sleep with tears dried on your face, you could feel as if your husband was there in your bed. His usual warmth, holding you close to his chest as his hand rested on your belly.

For a moment, your heart bloomed. You shut your eyes tightly and smiled. Perhaps he was gone, but you knew he would always be there to watch over you and your child.

You knew it would be the last time you encountered him, even if it was just in your dreams. It felt so real. He was holding you and there was nothing that could separate you. You felt safe and protected, loved in your husband's arms.

"I love you, Severus."

You whispered, finally falling asleep. Somehow you could hear him whispering to you;

"I love you too, darling. You're gonna be fine without me. I promise."

-
There's no relief, I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me, but I can feel you touching me
There's no release, I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine
-

You left Hogwarts. You quit your job and stayed in Spinner's End. You could not teach there anymore. The memories of your old days with your husband was too much for you.

You met him for the first time there, and you fell in love with him there too.

Wherever you were, your heart would always belong to him.

It was hard to live without him. But the child that you were carrying was the reason you stayed strong. You and Severus created a life together and you would do anything in your power to protect your child.

Sometimes you were broken, you wanted to have Severus by your side. But then you realised, your husband had never left. Perhaps he was gone, but he never left.

-
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
-

"Mommy, I miss Daddy. May I see his photo again?"

Your son asked, looking at you with his luminous eyes. You just finished reading him a bed time story. A smile was cracked on your lips and you nodded, making your son squeal in joy.

You went to take the photo of you and your husband, both of you were smiling at each other like you owned the whole world. Your heart fluttered as you thought of how much you loved that man.

"Here you go."

You gave the photo to you six-year-old son, and he took it with a grin on his face. You ran your fingers through his dark hair, smiling at how much your son resembled your husband. Your son was the spitting image of Severus, but his demeanour came more from you than your husband's antics.

"I really miss him."

He whispered, your heart churned at his gut-wrenching words. You kissed his head and gave him a smile.

"I miss him too. But I'm sure he's watching over us."

You said, a chuckle escaped your lips. Your son mimicked your smile and tilted his head.

"He was really protective, wasn't he?"

"Yes, he was."

You raises your eyebrows and nodded vigorously.

"That's why he died as a hero. Daddy is our saviour."

He pointed out, yawning slightly. Once again, you nodded and chewed on your bottom lip. Severus was your hero, he would always be your knight.

"Do you think he would be proud of me?"

Your son asked, and it pulled on your heart strings. You chuckled and nodded, hugging him tightly.

"He had been proud of you even before you were born, darling. He loved you so much."

-
But that there's no you, except in my dreams tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
-

Your son fell asleep, holding the photo close to his chest. Tears welled up in your eyes but you managed to hold them back. Giving a last glance at his sleeping form, you went back to your room.

No matter how many years had passed, your love for Severus remained the same. You loved him more if that was possible. Everyday went by and you stayed strong, believing that one day you would meet him again.

He would be waiting for you on the other side, welcoming you with open arms and a loving smile— that was only for you.

That day would come, but for now, you would be glad to have a chance to love your son with all of your heart.

You were not scared, you knew you were not alone. Severus would watch over you, he always did. It would never change. His last thought before he died was about you and your son.

"I love you, darling."

You muttered, your eyes were on your wedding band. You never took it off, no matter how many times people asked you to do so.

"I love you so much."

You whispered, a tear rolled down upon your cheek as you slowly dozing off. In your dreams, you felt him again. It wasn't real, but you felt his familiar arms around you, holding you close to him but you could not feel his heartbeat.

The familiar loving voice that you loved so much, the voice of your husband whispering back to you;

"I love you too. Always."

-
27th November 2020