9 Years Later

(Ishan)

This is so embarrassing. Totally utterly embarrassing. EMBARASSING in capital letters.

I am 17 years old, in 12th std and I am standing outside the class with my hands raised, as punishment. Can you believe that???

And it's all because of this little devil. I gave an angry glare to Adithi who was beside me doing the same, standing with her hands raised.

"Wait till the period is over..." I hissed over to her.

"As if I started it..." She hissed back.

Some girls from 11 B passed by, and looked at us and broke into a laugher. I closed my eyes in embarrassment and bit onto my lips... Ugh! I should just go and die after this. Even Suhana is watching from inside the classroom. In front of her..being like this. So embarrassing...

I looked back inside the classroom. Arjun, Farhan and Jiggy were grinning looking at us. Cruel bastards are having fun seeing us like this. Now they will make fun of me till I die...

The girls from 11 B who had gone to the staff room, was walking back, with giggles and whispered something to each other while they passed us.

Yeah...! Laugh. I am just this big loser who is standing here with hands raised. Kicked out of class by the teacher, because Adithi and I were kicking each other under the desk. Well, she started it. She kicked me first...

"Sorry..." Adithi mumbled suddenly.

I looked at her.

"Sorry... You might be feeling super embarrassed as those girls saw us as well and all. And the girls in the whole class did too." She said, looking a bit sympathetic. She seemed genuinely sorry. And knowing Adithi, she was being honest. "Sorry,"

"It's fine. I kicked you when you kicked me too... If I had not, the situation would not have come to this..."

"But I really thought you first kicked me." She said.

"My leg accidentally stepped over yours. It was not intentional..." I said.

"Okay." She said.

"But... what about you? Are you not embarrassed?" I asked. "To stand like this?"

She looked just confused. "Hm...Not much." She said, totally honestly.

Even when the whole class boys are watching.... But then, it's Adithi. She never bothers about things like that. Because... Well because she is just Adithi.

I looked back into the class and watched Suhana taking notes. Arjun is lucky. He got to sit next to her. On the first day of the academic year, he was quicker than the rest of us and got the seat next to Suhana. (It's two seats in a column arrangement). I am not sure if Arjun did that intentionally or it just turned out that way... Because he is the one who shows the least interest in Suhana.

When we were younger, we used to be head over heels for Suhana. All four of us. But as we got older, it began to feel a bit weird, because she and we had become more closer friends. So it became weird to be gaga over her.

When we were kids, we used to talk about her, among us four boys. About how pretty she looks, what did we talk about with her etc. As we got older, the talks dried down. And she was just a friend...

But...still somewhere deep inside, did we still have a crush on her??

Or more like, all of us liked her in our own way but would rather die than admit to each other openly than we liked her. Or was that just me who didn't want to admit that fact?

Maybe my feelings were not much of a big deal or serious. . But when you are seventeen, even the slightest feelings feel like a big deal.... Dreams and imaginations start to develop with that person as the lead. And, they begin to cherish that secret crush. It feels a bit embarrassing to tell to someone else, and hence they just keep it to themselves and mostly, well just in most cases, hide it when out in public, and deny it if asked if they like that person. That's how most first crushes start when you are a teenager, right?

Growing up, from some point onwards, involuntarily, Suhana had entered my imaginations and dreams... It came naturally, as I sometimes imagine a possible relationship with her, like holding her hand, or just sitting and talking together. These were my deepest secret that I liked to cherish on my own. Not letting even myself admit to the fact that I have these feelings and wishes.

It might be because... even if we don't tell each other, we boys were always aware that the others might like Suhana as well.

I was totally sure that Jiggy still had a crush on Suhana since he makes it so obvious. And as of Farhan, he has admitted that he regards Suhana and Adithi like his sisters. As we had grown up, he had become a bit more mature than the rest of us, and hence likes to play the responsible big brother part. So I was not really worried about Farhan.

But Arjun... for some reason, I really can't read Arjun. At times he seems totally not interested in Suhana. Then again sometimes, he makes me wonder if he actually likes her for real. Like for example, he made sure to get the seat beside Suhana, for three years in a row. In 10th, 11th and now 12th.

In 9th, 'I' used to sit beside Suhana. Before that, Suhana and Adithi were sitting beside each other, and Arjun and I sat together. Maybe something changed in class 10th... I arrived in class a bit late on the first day and found Arjun sitting with Suhana. Maybe he just sat there to talk to her, and I arrived at that time. Anyway, then the teacher came, and I had to sit in the nearest empty seat, which was beside Adithi.

So like that for the past four years, Arjun is sitting beside Suhana and I sit beside Adithi. Well, it's not bad or anything that I sit beside Adithi. Still... I had really liked sitting beside Suhana in class 9th. I had felt like we had made some sort of connection... And I could sit really that close to her for a whole day and all. Okay, I should admit that it felt really nice.

I could see the way her long hair brushing her notebook when she bent down and write something to the notebook, we sometimes exchanged conversations by writing them down on a piece of paper. Small things like that...

For the past 3 years, Arjun was the one who got to enjoy all that... Well, I am not sure if he 'enjoyed'. Coz, as I said, I am not sure if he likes her or not.

The same as I am not sure if I love Suhana for real or not...

Because, well... Suhana is pretty. Anyone will like her. And I indeed have an interest in her more than as a friend... However, there is some factor that makes me not sure about my feelings. I did not know what that is. There was something that was not giving me enough courage to openly admit my feelings and confess to her. I am not sure what that is. Because I really do get flutters and stuff when I think about Suhana. Still...I am sort of okay with how things are now. Now able to take that one more step towards her. Maybe it's like that when you are seventeen. Or maybe it's because I am scared.

It actually feels embarrassing you know, the doubt of being in love with someone. It feels weird. Or, is it just me who feels like that? It's different from being friends, right? And at this age, I am actually not sure about what to do with this emotion. Or if I say it out aloud, what reaction it might deliver. How will Suhana feel? Will she feel weird that me, or Arjun or Jiggy like her more than as a friend? What will Arjun and Jiggy think if they find out that I still have that small attraction towards Suhana? Will I be thought of as a weirdo?

And because of that, I am just silent, and okay with watching her from a distance, and just keeping her in my dreams and imaginations. I watched her in the classroom. She was solving some chemistry problem, and in frustration, put her hand to her hair, her fingers pulled some hair up as she scrunched the fingers, and then let go...The hair fell down, smoothly, each strand by strand, perfectly, back down...silkily. That was more like an art to watch. I looked back at the corridor wall and sighed...

The bell to the end of the period rang. The teacher came out of the classroom,

"You may go in now..." She said.

Adithi and I let down our hands. And hell! My hand was aching so badly.

"I had to go this far since you two are always just fooling around in class," Ma'am told us. "Because it was not a once time event. I hope you two will behave now."

"Yes, ma'am." Adithi and I said. She was right about the not one-time event. Adithi and I tend to fool around a lot during 'boring' classes.

"Go in," Ma'am said.

We walked into the class. Adithi ran to her seat and sat down, with her head resting on the desk, with her hand as a pillow. People were laughing and passing comments when we walked in. I ignored them.

"I am starving," Adithi complained.

"When are you not?" Farhan asked her. "There is still one more period till the lunch break."

"I will starve to death," Adithi said, not getting up. "I did not even have breakfast."

"Why?" I asked, sitting down rubbing my hand, to relieve the pain.

"As usual." Suhana was the one who answered. "She woke up late, and just had the time to put on her uniform and run to school. Is your hand in pain?" She added as I was rubbing my upper arm.

"Yeah. I thought it was gonna fall off." I commented.

"Poor boy." She said.

"The pain is fine. It's the embarrassment that I can't bear. Making my entire image drop." I sighed.

Arjun yawned. "Next is Physics, right? I am gonna sleep for a while... With eyes open. As usual." He said. "I slept at 3 am last night."

"Psycho," Suhana said. "What were you doing?"

"Watching porn?" Jiggy asked. Arjun gave him a kick. "Watch what you say!" And indicated Suhana. "There are girls here."

"I am okay with the word." Adithi, who appeared to be sleeping (she had her eyes closed) called out.

"Who is counting you in girls?" Arjun asked.

"Seriously, what were you doing?" Suhana addressed Arjun.

"Why do you care? It's my private life. Mind your own business." He said flatly.

Okay... Now let me make one thing clear. This is why I think Arjun doesn't have any interest in Suhana. Because among us four boys it would only be Arjun who will say 'mind your own business' to Suhana. The rest of us cannot even dream of being rude to Suhana.

Suhana cutely frowned at Arjun. Actually, she looks pretty even when she frowns.

"That makes the chances of my guess being correct more," Jiggy said.

"It's not," Arjun said. Then they started to argue over that.

I turned to Adithi who seemed actually fast asleep. "Did you really just sleep off?" I asked her. She did not reply. And her breathing was steady and slow. She was actually asleep.

"Wah.... I envy that." Arjun said. "She can just go to sleep in any situation."

"Why isn't sir coming yet?" Suhana asked. "Is he on leave?"

"Maybe..." I said.

"Hey, Drishya," Suhana called out to the class monitor, "shouldn't you go check in the staff room if sir is on leave?"

"Yeah... I was just going to go." Drishya said getting up. She walked out of the classroom.

Jiggy and Arjun immediately started praying for the Physics sir to be on leave.

A few minutes later Drishya came back and announced that sir was on a leave, and there were no teachers free at the moment to engage us, so we get a free period. More than half of the class ran to the playground. Some of the girls remained in the class to study, and among them was Suhana. So obviously us, the four boys remained in the class as well.

Suhana had taken up her Maths text and was solving some problems. (She is a really good student and among the best five students in the class.) Jiggy was telling Farhan and me about something that happened with his sister the last night, and Arjun and Adithi were just sleeping.

"Okay...I am stuck here," Suhana said looking at the math problem. "Does any one of you know how to solve this problem?"

"As if I would," Jiggy guffawed.

"Let me see," I said getting up from my seat and going closer to her.

"Ah... this was from last week's mock test, na?" I asked.

"There was a mock test last week? How come I did not know?" – came from Adithi.

"Is she sleep-talking?" I asked looking back.

"God only knows," Suhana told me.

Yeah. Adithi is just weird like that. No need to pay attention...

"You know how to solve this?" Suhana asked me.

"Yeah. I had checked the answer after the test." I said. "Here, let me show you how to solve it..." I took her pen and bent down closer to write in her book...

Now that was a mistake. Suhana came closer as well, to see what I was writing, and I started to get nervous. I mean, she was close. I looked up, and I saw her keenly listening face, up close. Those long eyelashes, and cutely curved inwards pink lips. Then there was that smell of her shampoo. I got one smell of that sweet fruity fresh kind of smell, and I was feeling really really nervous... All these kinds of weird feelings started to go off in me.

The right thing was for me to move back a bit. At least to a distance where I can't smell her shampoo anymore. But I was frozen for a second. I could not move... Thankfully, I was not getting mute. So I kept solving the problem and explained it to her... I finished in a few seconds and then moved back.

Okay...! That got done... Safe!

"Thanks, Ish..." Suhana said.

My heart did a small jolt when she called me affectionately with a shortened version of my name.

"Yeah..." I said.

I sat back, sitting facing Suhana. Just then, I felt someone pulling my shirt sleeve, I looked behind me... Adithi had her eyes open.

"Buy me cream bun from the canteen??" She asked.

"Lunch?" I asked.

"I will eat lunch at lunchtime." She said. "But I am starving now... And I don't have the strength to go till canteen..." She made a puppy dog face. "Please."

"Okay," I said.

I got up and walked to the canteen. Since she is starving.

I came back in a few minutes.

"Here..." I said dropping two Snickers Chocolate bars in front of Adithi. "The Cream Buns had all got finished."

"Oh... Thanks." Adithi said with a wide grin, "Thanks, Ishan... You are such a darling. I could kiss you."

"Yeah... Whatever." I said sitting down. Adithi began to eat her chocolate.

"For us?" Jiggy asked me.

I gave him a stare.

"You rascal," Jiggy said. "You bought only for Adithi...??"

"Don't you have legs? Go buy for yourself if you want... Or you should have told me when I went... And you still have not paid me back the Rs. 100 I gave instead of your food when we went to food court last month." I said.

"Partiality... How much money Adithi has lent from you? You never ask her money back." Jiggy said. "With me, you are always like a loan shark. Now you brought these two chocolates free for her, right. That's Rs.30 each. So Rr.60... Wah! And you are stingy about an Rs.100 just from me."

I ignored him.

"I pay him back the money Adithi borrows," Suhana said. "Even if she forgets, I don't. So... Anyway, it's all one family's money, so it doesn't make a change if she pays back or I payback, right?"

And I get a chance to privately talk to Suhana when she pays me back the money Adithi owe me.

"Still Ishan is a bit too partial..." Jiggy pouted.

"To me?" Adithi asked. "You dumbo... If Suhana asks him he might go to even till the moon and back, not just to the canteen. The same goes for you two as well, right?" She asked.

No one had a word to say after that. And come on, it doesn't make sense to think that I am partial towards Adithi. I mean, yeah, if Arjun or Farhan or Jiggy had asked me to run an errand till the canteen, I would not have gone. But they are boys... Adithi is a girl. Well, not 'a girl girl' though. Coz she is just Adithi... But she is sort of my... I am not sure if the term to be used here is 'best friend'...but yeah, we sort of have a chemistry of good friendship going on.

If you ask me who all are my best friends I will say all the five people's names: Arjun, Farhan, Jiggy, Suhana and Adithi. But, if you ask me with whom among these five I spend the most time, the answer would be Adithi. Well of course because she sits near me in the class, and outside too we do hang out a lot. I could talk with her more than I talk with the boys and... Yeah, I could say that we have a special bond or something.

And also if you ask me whom among the five friends I can trust my innermost secrets with, it would be Adithi. I trust her. She is actually a really faithful and good friend. And a good person. A bit crazy and a lot innocent than she looks. But yeah, a nice human and a good friend.

"I think I am getting indigestion," Adithi said, stopping. It was night. We were playing football on the ground near our apartment building.

"Don't throw up or something," I told her. "I had warned you not to eat that many chips."

"I am okay." She said, giving out a burp.

"Okay now?" I asked.

"Ah..." She said, rubbing her stomach. I went up to her and rubbed her back. She gave a burp again.

"How about now?" I asked.

"Hmm..." Better.

Farhan and Jiggy were the ones who were playing with us. They were looking over at us.

"Go home if you are not feeling well," Jiggy told Adithi.

"No. I am fine." She sneered. "I will just sit down for some time." She said. She walked away and sat down. I wanted to take a break myself, so I informed the boys and went and sat by her...

"It might rain tonight, right?" Adithi asked looking at the sky. It was cloudy...

"Hm..." I said looking at the sky.

We sat in silence for one second. "You might oversleep if the rain is at dawn," I told her. "Don't do that okay... Or you will have to skip breakfast again."

"I wish I could just sleep in and not go to school on rainy days..." She smiled. "Just be inside the blanket and sleep all day..."

I imagined that. Yeah... That's a pretty tempting thought. Just to hear all the rain sounds and sleep inside a warm blanket... I am already getting drowsy at the thought...

"Ah..." Adithi sat up, "I forgot to tell you this incident. I said we went to mom's friends home last Sunday, na... So there was this guy there... Mom's friend's son... About maybe two or three years older than us. He was so much into Suhana... I mean I could tell from his face and the way he spoke to her that he was yelling 'oh, I fell for you at first sight'... It was pitiful how he was trying to get her attention."

I felt a bit bothered by that. Just a little... But it was okay. Nothing to be concerned over.

"But you know Suhana. She won't pay attention... So, it was really funny. The guy was hitting on to her, and she was giving the usual cold shoulders..." Adithi said, with her carefree wide grin and twinkling eyes. She is actually a lot wild and innocent. Like an animal. Maybe that's why I sometimes feel that she is like my pet. When I am with her, I feel happy. It's like playing and petting your puppy or kitten – that sort of feeling. "So, Suhana was totally completely evidently ignoring his attempts." Adithi was saying.

"Why? The guy was not good looking?" I asked.

"Hm... Average looking." Adithi said.

"Show me a photo of him?"

"Where would I get the photo of the guy?" She frowned.

"From Facebook, Idiot. You know his name, right?"

"Ah..." She took out her phone. "His name is Rahul Sharma. How can I find a Rahul Sharma? There are thousands in here." She said typing the name in Facebook.

"Scoot a bit," I said moving closer to her and sitting next to her, and looking at her phone. "You can search in your mom's friends list for the boy's mom and then see her profile for the boy."

"Ah...but what if that aunty do not have Facebook?" She asked searching in her mom's friends list. "Ah...found her."

"This aunty?"

"Hm..." She took aunty's profile and found the son. "Here... Here is he."

She handed me the phone. I saw an average looking guy.

"Not so much of anything..." I said looking at the boy.

"They said he was good in cricket though. There were cups and stuff on the shelf." Adithi said.

"So? Are 'you' interested?"

"Are you crazy? Why would I be?" She asked, wide-eyed, slightly irritated.

"Who knows! You could be." I teased her. "You said last time that boys who play cricket are cool..."

"When did I?"

"When we were watching IPL."

"I did?"

"Yeah. You did."

"Well, I don't remember. And I think, more than cricket...football is cooler." She said. "But more than that, I am not interested in boys okay. Not in him or in anyone... YET." She added.

I know. Coz if she had a crush, it would be super weird. Somehow Adithi and things like romance and all do not seem to go together well. Coz Adithi is just Adithi...

"So... Suhana was not interested either, right?" I asked to make sure.

"Obviously." Adithi shrugged.

Good.