Nagoya, 17 June 1981

Dear Ayumi,

Monday.
I know, we were not in contact for a long time.
The last time we talked was on Christmas Eve; two years ago.
But after all this, you are the only one I have.
Since the... thing I have not ever heard from our parents again.
Not a single word.
As if I did not exist, as if I never have been their son.

It did hurt, yes, but I've accepted the situation.
Yet I hope you're still on my side.
Because I need you.
Now, more than ever.

If you'll ever read this, go get yourself some tea, you'll need it to calm down.
For example a Hachi-Sencha.
Just as I did a few minutes ago.
You probably still know about Feng.
I, us...
The relationship between us two was different from what I told you.

We used to be a couple.
We were everything for each other.
But that is over now.
Don't get me wrong, I still love him more than I could ever love anyone else.
But I won't be able to show him that ever again.

He is gone.
Just gone.
From one moment to another he ran through my fingers like sand in an hourglass.

I would like to tell you so much more, but I cannot handle it anymore.
I am fine, as fine as someone in my position can be, that's not what I mean, but I will take the rest of the evening to look into the grey world.
And try to find him there.

Love,

Tadao