At some modern diner because fine dining is way too high maintenance for them

Child: dang dads you've been together for years

Hero: mm he can't resist my bad boy charm

Noah: hAHA NO WAY you're no bad boy

Hero:

Noah: you're more of a goody two-shoes

Hero: *reaches right across the table to grab Noah's collar*

Child:

Hero: why don't you teach me how to be naughty

Child:

Noah:

Hero: Mr bad boy *wink*

Child:

Noah: !!

Child: so are you gonna fuck on the table or what

Noah: *flushes and sits down*

Hero: well, i'd be down if you are love

Noah: please stop this is too much

Hero: really? alright we can sneak in after closing hours

Noah: hero I love you but p l e a s e

Child: lol

-

Hero: so if you're a spider

Noah: mm

Hero: and you're a huge one

Noah: ??

Hero: do you have like... a huge dick????

Noah:

Hero:

Noah: oh my god

-

Hugo: just confess already you pining shit

Hero: *googles 'spider penis'* huh what

-

Hugo: y'all have been dating for like ages just fuck already

Noah: I'm worried tho

Hugo: for???

Noah: *googles 'are spider penises venomous to humans?'*

-

Hero: noah

Noah: yes love?

Hero: when I meant I wanted to try bdsm I diD NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD TANGLE ME IN YOUR STICKY ASS WEB OUT OF NOWHERE

Noah: but like,, ropes are expensive

Hero: I swear to god if I go to the hospital and they find spider web up my ass I'm castrating you

-

Nabi: so like

Hero: ?

Nabi: do you do it when...

Hero: ???

Nabi: when he's in spider form? Because how does that work

Hero: the m e n t a l  i m a g e s

-

Nabi: can you hear that?? Oh my god the moaning and crying

Hugo: yeah they must be really into it

In the other room

Hero: ow THAT FUCKING HURTS

Noah: yOU SAID YOU WANTED TO TRY WAXING YOUR LEGS

-

Hero: does being attracted to a spider make me into bestiality

Markus:

Hero:

Markus: I'm okay with you murdering people but not fucking a spider

-

Noah: where am I holy shit I'm dead

Peter: welcome to the Aether so did you confess to hero

Noah: no

Peter: fucking l o s e r

-

Hero: bitch you brought me to see a gorgeous sunset and was about to say something obviously important, but you died on me???

Noah: *is dead*

Hero: rude

-

Me: I need a best friend for Noah

Me:

Me: how about a character that represents the readers

Hugo: hey bitch you called?

Hugo: no one stans noahero like me

Hugo: I have fan fiction, fan art and even a video of them going at it

Me: perfect

-

Me: so Herobrine is not bad

Readers: !

Me: that's not his real name either (someone must really hate their kid to name them Herobrine anyways)

Readers: !!

Me: hero has a really complex life and character development

Readers: !!!

Me: his development as a person does not stop at twisted choices and his personality grows with every book

Readers: !!!!

Me: also he's gay

Readers: !!!!!!!

Me: for a spider

Readers: !!!!!!!!!!!

Me: the spider is mixed race

Readers: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: the spider has also turned down many females to save a spot for hero despite knowing how little chances he has with him

Readers: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: he's dead now

Readers:

Me:

Readers:

Me: oh and hero never found out about his crush

Readers:

Me:

Readers: we're suing