My family is very... productive, to say the least.

My dad is a retired policeman, retired fireman, a business man, an inventor, college professor, and so much more..

My Máma used to own a business, she's so caring and kind, and she's a wonderful stay-at-home mom.

My sister dreams of going on broadway, and is amazing at singing, and acting, and has so many good friends.

My brother is amazing at maths, and technical things. He dreams of becoming a coder, or a hacker/coder for our local police force someday.

My older sister is in a great college, getting a medical and business degree. She is becoming a surgeon.

My grandmother makes Tutus, and has her own tutu-selling website, and makes hundreds of dollars. She's out and about almost every day. She is an amazing cook, as well.

My grandpa is a survivor of many things, and used to own a pizza business. He's an amazing cook, along with my grandmother.

But.. what am I?

I have no special talent.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I'm... clueless.

I suck at math, I probably have some form of ADHD, I procrastinate, and all I ever do is humiliate myself and be a huge fucking failure all the time.

My family expects me to go to college, get a masters and business degree, along with doing what I want to do.

That's a lot of things that.. that pressure me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And I'm not.

I could never be as smart as my brother.

I could never be as talented as my sisters.

I could never be as strong as my dad.

I could never be as caring as my mom.

I could never be as productive as my grandma.

I could never be as determined as my grandpa.

I could never do anything like that.

I'm just... me. An untalented weirdo who doesn't know what to do with her pathetic life.

A weirdo who has existential crisis' every week.

A freak who can't have a healthy eating schedule.

A procrastinator who gets her work done an hour before it's due.

An anxious bitch who questions everything.

A complete mess who can't do shit right.

So what the fuck are people expecting from me!?

My parents think I'm great at writing! My friends think I'm smart because I skipped a grade! My siblings think I'm creative! My aunts and uncle and cousins don't know shit about me, because I never tell them anything!

WHAT ARE PEOPLE EXPECTING FROM ME!? WHY ARE PEOPLE EXPECTING SO MUCH FROM ME!? I DONT KNOW! THEY JUST WANT SO MUCH FROM ME, AND THINK SO HIGHLY OF ME, AND I JUST..

THEY THINK IM TALENTED BECAUSE I WAS THE NARRATOR FOR A PLAY MY SISTER DID. SHE WAS THE STAR OF THR SHOW, BASICALLY.

MY FRIENDS THINK IM SMART BECAUSE I CAN SPELL WORDS THAT THEY CANT SOMETIMES. THEY THINK IM SMART BECAUSE I KNOW CERTAIN THINGS THAT THEY DONT. THEY THINK IM SMART BECAUSE I SKIPPED A GRADE.

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I FUCKING SKIPPED A GRADE!? MY WAS MY SIBLINGS WHO WERE SMART! I WAS FAILING IN MATH AND SCIENCE, FROM WHAT I COULD TELL! BUT NO! NOBODY EVER CARES TO EVEN CHECK MY WORK, BECAUSE THEY JUST ASSUME IM SMART!

I ALWAYS GET LOWER THAN 70s ON MY MATH TESTS, AND I BEAT MYSELF UP OVER IT BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN DO BETTER! I KNOW I CAN BE BETTER THAN THE PIECE OF SHIT I AM RIGHT NOW! I KNOW I CAN BE, BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS!

I can be a better person! I'm too mean, I'm too bossy, I'm too strict, I'm too dumb, I'm too pathetic! I know! IVE HEARD ALL THIS SHIT BEFORE!

I CANT SPELL, I DONT KNOW THE DIFFERENT BETWEEN YOUR AND YOU'RE, AND I READ FANFICTION!

PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF ME BECAUSE I WRITE AND READ FANFICTION ABOUT FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. I KNOW I SHOULD STOP, BUT I DONT WANT TO. I LOVE WRITING FANFICTION. I LOVE READING FANFICTION. I DONT WANT TO STOP, BUT PEOPLE DONT WANT ME TO BE DOING THIS, OR ELSE I'LL BE A FAILURE.

PEOPLE SHUN FANFICTION BECAUSE EVERYBODY JUST ASSUMES ITS SMUT AND SHIT LIKE THAT, AND THAT EVERYBODY WHO READS IT IS A 60 YEAR OLD PEDOPHILE

BUT THATS NOT TRUE! SOMETIMES I WANT TO BELIEVE ITS TRUE, BECAUSE THATS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE EXPECT.

PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO NOT FEEL ANYTHING. PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO NOT HAVE OPINIONS. PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO NOT HAVE FEELINGS.

BUT THATS NOT TRUE.

..at this point, I've built up this wall. This wall of feelings. I don't let anything come in, or out. I don't tell people in real life my feelings. I don't tell people my opinions. I don't tell them when I'm upset.

Hell, my friend made me want to delete Wattpad and stop doing what I love, just because of the shit they were saying to me! But did I confront them!? No! Because they were just saying it as a joke, not knowing that it fucking hurt! What they were saying hurt me!

And what people say about LGBTQ+, and expectations, and about the world we are living in...

I feel like I just need to be better than what I am.

Or else I will be a failure.