I feel broken like I'm losing a part of myself.

I keep having the urge to hurt myself somehow even if it's small but I don't go through with it. I feel pressured by the fact my relationship with my current girlfriend might be dying I feel like it's all my fucking fault because I've been called lame and I believe it I don't deny it now. I've changed my personas backstory. One part of it is based off a nightmare I had. I don't know why or how this occurred but my nightmare was...being raped by a family member whom I trust. I haven't been raped irl but the dream scares me so much to the point I almost believe it. I'm scared of even admitting to my parents I'm dating a girl when I'm a girl myself. Maybe it's because I'm scared of my father who's actually really racist at times. My mom doesn't care but the rest of my family...they all think I'm going to have a boyfriend...except three family members but I'm too nervous to admit to them. My great grandma, my nana and my papa. They all know it's 2018 my papa teased me about a boyfriend and actually said or girlfriend cause it's 2018. Another thing I'm scared of is...I had two nightmares where both are where I watch my own mother get shot and killed in front of me while I stood defenseless behind a glass like wall. I woke up crying those two times. I'm scared to sleep because I'm being plagued by multiple nightmares I can't remember all of them but some are too horrific for my mind and I can't get rid of them no matter how much I want. I want to cut but I don't wanna go back to the fucking hospital that only lead to me actually getting pushed further to cutting then what I actually was when I was first admitted.

~Ghoulex