*Trigger warning; this chapter contains discussions of miscarriage, cheating and mental abuse - if you need to skip, please let me know and I will give you a quick overview without going into detail. Please stay safe, put yourself first. I love you all <33.*

Francesca's POV:

Nausea swirls in my gut, so much so that it has me stirring awake. When I finally regain more consciousness, I wince at the sudden discomfort in my lower belly. It has me holding my stomach and exhaling a shallow breath.

That is until my eyes widen in realization.

I was due on my period yesterday.

Oh, fuck.

I reach for my phone on the nightstand and I put on the flash, considering it's dark still, and I brace myself for the worse when I look under the covers. And to my utter surprise, Ethan's cream sheets are now covered in my period blood.

I lay back down and groan. I am so stupid.

Only I would forget about my period, only me.

Now, how the fuck do I fix this at four in the morning?

I don't even have any tampons or pads. I am so unorganised for someone who has been obsessed the last two weeks over her period coming.

Ethan couldn't care less about blood. He's actually very mature about periods, which is shocking, but I'm so embarrassed that this has happened. How am I supposed to wake this dude up, tell him I've ruined his sheets and then admit I am free bleeding it until I go home tomorrow? The latter is not a choice, but more so something I have to come to terms with.

I refuse to lay here any longer knowing that period blood is currently between my legs, however I am not ready to look him in the eye and tell him that it's there.

My eyes start to water and I exhale a shaky breath as my hormones get the better of me. It won't be the first time today, especially since I have therapy this afternoon.

"Darling?" Ethan turns around towards me, and I sniffle, trying to regain composure, but that just blows my whole cover. "Hey, you're okay, I'm here. Did you have a bad dream?"

"No." I wail, sounding pathetic. "I just hate myself."

"Francesca..." He sits up, lifting the covers with him and my eyes widen in panic, but thankfully my legs are still covered. "Tell me what happened."

"I'm crying." I whisper.

"Thanks for the obvious." He raises his brows. "C'mon, tell me, I'm here for you always, remember?"

"Um, I ruined your sheets, I forgot I was due on my period and I'm cramping, so my belly hurts. I guess I'm just embarrassed and my hormones are getting the best of me." I rub my hands over my face, exhaling a quick breath.

"Okay, lemme think a second." He puts up his index finger, as if he's silencing me. "Okay, go get a shower or a bath, I'll change the sheets and make you a hot water bottle."

"I haven't got any tampons or pads with me." I mutter.

"I'll ask Maria, I'm sure she has one of the two." He says, and I shake my head.

"I don't want you to wake her up." I whisper.

"Babe, I'll figure it out, I promise. Don't worry about anything other than getting in the bath or shower." He tells me, and I nod, incredibly thankful he's not immature in situations like these.

"Sorry I woke you up." I apologize, feeling the need to.

"It's okay, don't worry about me." He murmurs, stroking the pad of his thumb against my cheek.

"Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." There's always a bright side to something, I guess.

I decided on a bath to relax my muscles since my cramps really aren't being kind on me this morning. So, as I lay here, I think of everything going on in my life lately, pushing the thought of Ethan with another woman out of my mind.

I've decided that today, at my therapy session with Taylor, I will talk about my past with Chris. For me to be with Ethan, I need to get over my paranoia and emotional damage from my previous relationship, and without talking it through, nothing will change. I know I have a valid reason to be worried, but not to the excess which I am. It's effecting my day-to-day life, and I need to talk this out with a professional. I'm really thankful that Lauren suggested to do so.

On a happier note, this week is going to be busy, but a good kind of busy. Ethan, Hanna and I are doing something exciting tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to. Then on Thursday, the gang and I are going to view some houses around New Jersey.

Considering Lauren is now pregnant and she won't be traveling home to Korea, the only option for her is to stay here. And it's the same for me; I can't go back to New Haven, and we can't stay in the dorms over summer break. I know I always have a place here with Ethan, but I need perminant in my life. Not that he isn't perminant, but living here wouldn't be, not with his family.

Ethan and I had already spoken about this before and the plan was for me to get my own apartment, and eventually when we were together, he would move in with me. However, now everything's changed, because Lauren also needs a place, Hanna doesn't want to stay at home the whole duration of summer break, and Matt hates being away too long since he's an only child. It just makes more sense for us to get a house together until we finish college, and a place where Lauren and Felix can happily welcome home their baby.

So, Thursday is definitely going to be... fun. I'm not sure if that's the right word because I know without a doubt that an argument will happen between Felix and Lauren, but even then, they'll make up a minute or so after.

The idea of living in a house with my best friends makes me happy. They're not 'just' friends, they're my family. And what's family like without somewhere to call home anyhow?

Ten minutes later, Ethan knocks on the door gently before opening it, while I lie in the bath with my hands covering my boobs. "Hey, I have some boxers, a pair of sweats, a shirt, and Maria gave you a whole bag. She said and I quote, 'she can keep these, I'm on the pill.' So, you have some goodies."

"I wouldn't exactly call period products 'goodies' but we'll go with it. Thank you." I smile, really appreciative of him for getting them.

"How are your cramps?" He asks softly, taking a seat on the floor.

"You're really sitting there to talk to me?" I ask and he nods, pushing the bag towards the toilet, which is my sign to move my hands and relax again, not bothered by him seeing my boobs. "Okay, well, um, they're... there, but not as bad. I'm lucky that they aren't horendous, they're just little fuckers from time-to-time."

"You're acting like they're children." He jokes.

"Same thing. Cramps, children, both a nightmare." I shrug, and he lets out a laugh. "Shh, you'll wake people up."

"Stop making me laugh then." He retorts and I smile over at him. "You excited for tomorrow? Do you know what you're getting?"

"Yeah, I have an idea. What about you?" I ask, and he pouts, thinking about it.

"Not a clue. I'll decide when we're there." He says, lying back against the wall. "How do you think looking for houses will go?"

"Realistically?" I raise my brows and he nods. "I don't think we'll decide on a house, but I know we're going to have to. I'm really not picky where we live, as long as I have a bedroom, and obviously a garden for Lauren and Felix's baby. There's six of us, so six bedrooms. It's going to be hard to find the perfect fit for us all, but I'm just going to sit back and let everyone else deal with it."

"Honestly, same. I think the only ones that will want it perfect are Felix and Lauren, considering they're going to be bringing their baby home to that place, so it makes sense. Even then though, I don't think they're going to be picky. Lauren's already in her second trimester, right?" He asks, and I confirm with a nod. "So, we need a house as soon as possible if we're being realistic, and she's not stupid, she knows this."

"Maybe we will all decide on a house, who knows." I shrug.

Only time will tell, right?

~~

Sitting down on the sofa opposite Taylor, I put my purse down and bring my legs up to my chest, a position I've become habit to starting in when I attend these sessions.

It's several hours later, I fell back to sleep with Ethan after getting out of the bath. We spent the morning with Niko in the gym after breakfast, and then I attended my lectures of the day before making my way here.

"Francesca, sweetie, how are you?" Taylor asks me first of all, greeting me like she does every session.

"I've been better, but I'm okay. How are you?" I ask, and she frowns at my initial answer.

"I'm good, but we're here for you. What's got you feeling different since I last spoke to you on Thursday? It was Ethan's fight on Saturday, correct?" She asks, and I pick at the cuticles of my nails.

"Yeah, it was. He won, actually, which was great for him. He deserved it after the amount of intense training he was under the last two weeks." I answer her latter question, before getting into the former. "But, I guess, uh... something happened after the fight."

"This is an open space where you can share and talk about anything that you feel comfortable to." She hasn't said this since the first few appointments I had with her, but those words haven't ever felt as comforting as they do now.

"After the fight, Ethan took me into his dressing room... it got hot and heavy, without going into details on that front, and while we were having sex, his phone rang." I stop and sigh. "Anyway, he said to ignore it and that he'd ring them back after we were done. But they rang again. In the position that we were I could see the phone and when I looked over, I saw the name of a woman that I have never heard about. When we had finished, I confronted him, asked him who it was; he lied and said it was Felix. Since then, everything has been hard for me to deal with because of how my previous relationship had recked me."

"First of all, I think we need to discuss how you're feeling about the phone call." She says with a sympathetic smile.

"Well, at first, my mind didn't automatically go to cheating." I clear up. "I thought maybe he was seeing a therapist, or something linked to his fights. Just anything but cheating... because I really don't believe he'd do that. I still don't, but once he had lied, my mind just spiralled. I felt betrayed, being lied to. I still trust him for some stupid, messed up reason, but I think that's my gut instinct."

"I think it's because you love him. You love him so much that I don't think he can do no wrong in your eyes, which is sometimes a really good value to have, but in situations like these, love makes people blind." She gives me a sympathetic smile, and I sigh. She's right. "But with that being said, I think keeping an open mind is healthy. Yes, he lied to you about the phone call, but can I ask if he has lied about anything else or given you any further suspicion to think he is being unfaithful?"

"No, and that's what's been fucking with me. He's been kind to me, affectionate; something Chris never was when he was sleeping with someone behind my back. He leaves his phone with me, he's acting like he has nothing to hide, which is a good sign. But that still doesn't change the fact that a woman rang him and he lied about who it was. Lies stem to cheating and my trust issues - even though I do trust him massively - rule my mind." I hate that my mind overrules my heart, especially in times like these.

"You mentioned Chris, your ex, I assume; can we talk a little bit about that relationship, so I can get an idea of what's happened to make you lose trust?" She asks carefully.

"It's actually something I was going to bring up today, but I just don't know where to start with that story." I admit. Chris and I's journey was so long, with so many twists and turns.

"From the start; I don't need your whole story, just anything you're comfortable sharing with me." She assures.

"Okay, um... I guess I'll start when we met; Sophie, Chris, Phoebe, Abby and I all went to the same kindergarten, we were inseparable. Soph was my best friend, and Chris was my 'boy best friend'. We were purely just friends until high school, well on his end anyway, I had a crush on him for a while. But things changed. We all stayed close knit, but me and him, we got closer until one day he kissed me under the bleachers. I was fourteen, he was thirteen - we were kids. I felt so... special? I hadn't been kissed before, he was the first and it was... good. Well, as good as a first kiss can be. I remember getting butterflies in my belly, I was a blushing idiot. I was completely love sick within a week." I roll my eyes at my childlike stupidity. "It was sweet... we went to the movies, he'd sneak little kisses in the hallway, he'd bring me food, he used to treat me so well..."

I take a quick breath, not wanting to get too emotional because I really don't want to cry today, not again.

"We were only dating a month before we started... doing things. It sounds so stupid-"

She cuts me off, assuring me yet again, "you were young, but, Francesca, we all do things we regret - you aren't the only teen who did those things at a young age."

"I just feel ashamed, I guess. I was fourteen, you know? I was still a kid and it only took me a month to drop my panties for him. He never pressured me into anything, though, that I can say; I knew what I was doing when we went back to his house. We hadn't done anything more than him touching my boobs during a reckless makeout session on his parents sofa, but I guess that wasn't enough. I didn't even have a sex drive then, I don't recall ever feeling horny for him, so it wasn't a desire to have sex. It was more so social pressure. In high school all you ever heard about was sex, and I felt like I had to, to fit in. I never told him this, but in my head, I just wanted to do it to... do it." Admitting that makes me feel so small minded to be honest. I wish I lost it because I actually wanted to.

"Social pressure is a massive thing that impacts children's lives, especially teens. Whether it's sex, drugs, alcohol, or even just doing something they don't want to do, eventually most will cave. You're not alone in having this thinking; I was exactly the same. I lost my virginity to the high school's soccer captain just to get it over with, I just wanted it to happen so I could finally say, 'I did it'. And, you know what? Many of my friends did the same exact thing. Social pressure, pressure from friends especially, is very hard. It takes a lot of strength to not cave, and in your sense, you had a guy you were dating, someone who was treating you right. You may feel a sense of shame, but just remember you are not alone." She gives me a tight-lip smile, and I nod, letting out a little sigh.

"The thing is sex was something I expected to be so amazing because everyone talked about it... but it wasn't, not then. It was quick and uncomfortable. I never experienced the pleasure I was 'supposed' to feel. I expected it for the first time, to be honest; he went slow, made sure I was okay, but it was over before it really started; I never felt pleasure. And I remember thinking it would be better next time, but it wasn't. It started to feel like a chore to have sex with my boyfriend - he would never go on top, so I would always be doing the work anyway. It was just tiring. And because I was feeling quite detatched in the sex department, I felt like I was doing it wrong, and as much as I researched I just didn't understand. So, I started faking my orgasms."

"Oh, no, not that rabbit hole." She makes me laugh, and I nod, rolling my eyes.

"Yep... worst mistake ever. Anyway, after having sex for around a month, we were getting along okay outside of the bedroom. He'd still kiss me in the hallway, make me little notes, bring me coffee... But one day I went to his house to surprise him and he was... His back to me and he was fucking Sophie, my best friend at the time." As I say this, she gasps, before covering it up to maintain professionalism which causes a laugh to escape me.

"I'm so sorry, Francesca." She sympathizes. "What happened then?"

"My reaction to them has always stuck with me because I personally think it's deeply fucked up." I warn her, and she nods wanting me to go on. "I just watched them. I was at the doorway, he was fucking her from behind, our photo frame was right in front of them, and I just watched. I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't do anything. I knew when I saw her blonde hair that it was Sophie, and when she moaned his name, it only confirmed it. But I did nothing about it. I didn't do what a normal girlfriend should have done. I stayed with him, didn't confront him until months later when a rumor went around that they were sleeping with each other. He begged, I mean he literally got on his knees, and begged me he did no such thing. I should have just broken up with him, and I tried, I really did but it was like he had me on a hook. I told him I didn't believe him, that I saw it with my own two eyes but because it was months later, he didn't believe me. He called me delusional and spun it all around on me, leading me to eventually apologize to him."

My voice cracks at the reminder of that memory I'd actually forgotten somewhat, and a tear slips down my cheek.

"Sophie actually moved a month or so later. He, however, always stayed. As did I. I don't know how to explain it, but it was like I was trapped in a relationship with him. He continued to manipulate and gaslight me, for months, so much so that I just couldn't remember what was real or fake. He made me doubt every single thing that happened. With classes, friendships and whatnot, our relationship just became another thing; it became 'normal'. I hate how weak I was, how I put up with it, but I don't think I can truly explain how hard it was with him. It wasn't just, 'oh, he's cheating, I'm staying' - he made me believe it was all made up in my head, like I was out for him. When he'd be caught out and there'd be another circle of rumors, he'd make up something like me texting another guy, or I was the one cheating, not him. He used to track all my social media... every like, follow, comment, and if there was someone he didn't know, he'd say I was being unfaithful. It fucked me up." My voice breaks again at the latter sentence.

"You never deserved that, Francesca, you really didn't, not at fourteen." She says softly.

"I really believed him, you know? I thought I was going crazy." I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hands, exhaling a breath. "There was one moment that really should have been the tipping point. I should have fucking left him. We'd been together for just over a year, I was fifteen, so was he, and I'd fallen pregnant. He wanted, begged, me to get an abortion, but back then... I couldn't. I had totally different views to what I have now. I was never pro-life, but I didn't want it for myself. I couldn't. So, I went along with it. He was mad at first, no doubt, but after a couple days, he warmed up to it. We went to a scan together, I was just over six weeks pregnant. It was like for the first time since the beginning that I had him back, he was always there, he'd speak to my belly, he was just... nice. I was desperate for this for so long and it felt so good to have him there. I remember so vividly that one night I stood in front of the mirror and saw a little bump, it was barely there, but it was something, I was ten weeks at the time. And I FaceTimed him - he must have accidentally accepted it and well... he cheated again."

Taylor closes her eyes with a sigh, and I can see that she's actually sorry for me. I usually hate sympathy but from Taylor, I take it because it means more than anything.

"That night... I went to sleep in tears and woke up hours later in the worst pain I've ever endured. He didn't pick up. My mom took me to the ER and she constantly rang him while I was getting checked up on. He should have been there when I was told I lost my baby, but... he wasn't. He was fucking someone else. I should have left him then. I should have never fucking stayed but I'm stupid. I lost our baby and he didn't give a fuck. He left me on read. He didn't come to the hospital. He didn't come." I sob into my hands, the knot in my throat becoming painful from keeping it at bay.

Before I know it Taylor's arm wraps around my shoulder and she pulls me into a hug, holding me as I cry. "I'm so sorry, Francesca. You never deserved this."

"It should have been the last straw, Taylor." I sniffle, catching my breath. "He didn't show his face for three days and I still stayed with him. I lied to my mom, I said he was on a camping trip and he didn't have reception. I was ashamed that my boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me, so I lied to her. Chris never admitted he'd fucked the girl, even though I saw a hickey bellow the collar of his shirt and literally heard them. I was so numb from losing my baby, from getting nothing from him, that when he finally did come, I just didn't care to argue. He acted like a total sweetheart and had me questioning whether I read the text properly at all."

Taylor strokes my hair out of my face and wipes my tears, giving me a little sad smile. "You're such a wonderful young girl, Francesca, he never deserved you, you know?"

I let out a little sigh. "He had me for too long; four long years I stuck with his bullshit. The manipulation only got worse as it went on, and I'm positive he continued to cheat until the day I broke up with him finally. Everything just snapped in me - I found out he'd written one of my recommendation letters for my favorite college and jeopardized my whole chance. He had so much control over me, and I just... finally snapped. I just wish it'd happened sooner."

"You're free from him now, Francesca. Chris isn't Ethan. Ethan will never be that boy." Hearing her say this makes me tear up all over again. "If trust is an issue with him, just trust your heart instead. It will never be one hundred percent, but you mentioned how your gut instinct is saying that Ethan isn't cheating, trust that gut instinct because you think that for a reason. Trust that love that you share for him. Remember the moments when he'd been there for you, where you've spoken about Chris in the past; trust what you already know. I can't tell you he isn't cheating, but he can with one conversation, you can put your mind to rest. You can end the battle swarming in your mind. This isn't fair on you."

"I think I'm more scared of knowing than not... I don't want to lose him, and I can't let the cycle repeat." I pick at my nails, needing a distraction.

"You won't let it. You are in charge of the cycle, and if you cut it when it needs cutting, it won't continue. You have so many strong friends around you. You're no longer fourteen. You're a woman now, Francesca. And remember what I said? Trust your gut instinct. There's a reason why it's a thing.."

Trust your gut instinct.

~~~~~

A/N

Who hates Chris even more???? ME.

Would you believe me if I told you I cried? Because I did.

I never had this chapter planned, believe it or not. I always knew what Chris had done in her past but until I wrote it all out, it didn't really sink in. And I think it's needed. You guys need to see why Francesca is the way she is, relationship wise. I won't stand for bullshit when it comes to hating her.

Life Update: I'm eighteen tomorrow, it's my birthday !! I can't believe I'm going to be all legal and shit, that's scary. And with that, I wish my twin a happy birthday also, I love you so so so much for the endless amount of support you've shown me.

I really wanted a chapter written and posted before I go back to college, and here you have one before the New Year.

Question of the chapter:

What are your New Year's resolutions?

I wanna finish this book !!! Let's hope, because oh boy, there's some surprises up my sleeve - I never said it was going to be easy.

You won't have another update in 2021, so I just want to thank every single reader reading this right now. Thank you for the journey you've been on with me. Thank you for giving me this platform. Thank you for loving Francesca and Ethan as much as I do. At the beginning of 2021 I hadn't even finished my first book, and here I am on my third. I know I have slow updates, but I'm hoping it's not always going to be like this.

I miss you all endlessly xoxo

~ B