I loved him even though he didn't deserve my love.

He was the longest lesson I ever had to endure, but I eventually learnt my self worth. With time. Too much time.

I won't take the same lesson twice, though. I learnt from that.

He took everything from me. He broke me down, chewed me up and spat me out. He made me feel so insecure. He made me paranoid. He was the person I expected would be there for me, but instead he was out with another girl while I was in bed, grieving our baby.

Chris was a four-year-long lesson; a heartbreaking one at that. In the end I walked away, diploma in hand and one stray tear on my cheek.

I never thought a breakup could feel so... relieving.

I was a naive teenager, grasping onto anything that boy would give me. From an outside perspective, people may think I'm stupid; they may not understand how and why I stayed with him for as long as I did. But honestly? Honestly, the manipulation was drowning me. The gaslighting. The lying. The cheating.

He made me believe I was the one in the wrong.

I won't allow that to happen ever again.

Being in a relationship like that is time consuming, it's purely exhausting.

Ethan was my breath of fresh air. He was the first man - relationship wise - that I trusted after Chris. On my darkest days, he was there. He was the first man I have truly ever loved. Ethan is... bright. He was the light in my darkness - a light I so desperately needed.

His presence gives me simple comfort. We could be having a silent phone call and I know everything will be somewhat okay because he is there. I can sleep at night and I know I'm safe with him. Ethan is my savior, as I am his nirvana.

It's been two days since his fight on Saturday night. I went back to his apartment and slept with him even though my gut-feeling was telling me not to. Once Ethan fell asleep, I snuck out of bed, locked the bathroom door, dropped to the floor and cried. I sobbed my fucking heart out. I cried so hard that I threw up unintentionally.

For two days I've had Chelsea Jones' name spiralling my mind, and what's made this worse was that Ethan had the chance to tell me about her, but instead he lied.

There are so many types of lies in the world. Lies that you tell to protect the other. Lies to be vindictive and torment someone. White lies that are silly, little things. There are lies that you tell children, like Santa and The Easter Bunny. The big lies, however, the ones that cause impact, the ones that make your heart clench - they're the lies I can't shrug off and joke about.

I believe that once you've been cheated on in the past, once you've gone through a relationship with secrets, lies and manipulation, that you form a certain kind of PTSD. I hate even putting Chris and Ethan in the same space in my head, but every doubt that I've ever had has surfaced and it's breaking me slowly.

Questions like; is this the start to something similar with what I had with Chris? They make me feel so fucking guilty. I hate thinking so bad of Ethan, because he isn't him. He is nothing like him. I won't let myself fall for the same bullshit Chris used to sell me, though.

My mind has spiralled from one lie. This is what happens, and I feel so fucking lost.

I feel alone again.

Loneliness is so overwhelming. As I once said to Ethan, you can be in a crowded room and still feel lonely. I feel like there's a massive weight on my chest. I'm paranoid. I'm insecure. I don't know what to do.

I hate the unknown. I hate knowing that my boyfriend is keeping secrets. I hate that a girl is ringing him and he's lying about it. And I hate that I feel guilty for feeling all of this.

I feel like I'm in the wrong, again.

It's a horrible feeling knowing that a feeling is valid, but because of my past - the experience I had with Chris - I feel guilty. I shouldn't, but I do. I feel like I'm being neurotic and irrational, even though it's totally normal to feel like this, right?

Everything is a question these days. I think I'm going insane.

"Francesca?" My name being called pulls me out of my overwhelming thoughts. I hadn't even noticed that my heart is racing, beating rapidly in my chest, my palms are sweating, and a knot has formed in my throat.

I turn on the bench and smile when I see Lauren walking over to me, a big coat over the top of a Princeton hoodie. "Hey, come sit. I have some fries left if you want some."

I'm taking a lunch break on campus today, since I have another lecture in twenty or so minutes. I only got a portion of fries and a soda, but I'm not too hungry, so I've just been picking at them.

"Thank you, but I'm okay. Me and Fe just had McDonald's." She throws her leg over the bench, straddling it before leaning against the wall. She closes her eyes and lets out a groan, stretching her back out. "My back is killing; this baby is kicking my ass."

"Oh my God, Laur! You had your appointment, fill me in, tell me everything." I widen my eyes, urging her to spill the details. I forgot it was today. As I said, I've been a bit in my own head lately.

"It was... nothing like I initially thought. I thought it would take half an hour. Yeah, no. I think we were there for two to three hours or something. Without Felix, I swear I would have had several breakdowns." She tells me, picking up a fry from my tray, even though she said she didn't want one. "Like, obviously I had to admit the fact I had taken drugs and drank. I also let it slip that I had..." She lowers her voice, "... an abortion. The doctor was really nice, though, not at all judgemental which I appreciate, but it was... a lot. Like, how many blood tests do you need for a baby? And the questions? God, the fucking questions. I feel like the SAT's were easier." She suddenly stops, and purses her lips. "Sorry, I'll shut up."

"No, keep going. I remember my first scan, I was so shocked. In fact I had a mini panic attack when I was asked all the questions. It's scary as fuck." I relate to her on some level. I don't want her to feel alone in this process, because it's fucking terrifying.

"They're so scary, right?" She widens her eyes, and I chuckle, giving her a nod. "Felix was really supportive; he made his usual jokes and everything, but... he held my hand, put his hand on my thigh when I needed comfort. I just really appreciated him being there today, you know?"

"Totally." I nod. "And I'm so happy that you guys are doing this together. Felix is a good one. He's a goofy idiot at times, but he's such a good uncle to the twins. He's definitely family orientated as well, so you've got that. And, Lauren, he likes you. You can't deny the fact."

"I know... and I like him too, but there's Tyrone. I'm still not over him, as stupid as it is, and it's not fair on Felix, nor is it fair on myself to start something new while I'm trying to get over it. I'm trying to push Felix away, keep up this... banter we have or whatever, but I feel like he... I don't know, maybe he just likes degrading and gets turned on when I say I don't like him."

Her words make me burst out laughing. "Jesus Christ." I shake my head.

"What?! It's true. Our banter has now become flirting, and I don't know what to do about it. I like him, you know that, everyone knows that, but I can't string the poor guy along. I don't like games, and that's the last thing I want. He's such a good person, and this bickering shit is not working because he just comes back for more. Am I that irresistible?" She deadpans.

"Complete knockout, babe." I give her a serious nod, and she chuckles under her breath as she grabs another fry.

"Anyway, we're getting off track. The baby is okay, my doctor is running some tests though because of my alcohol and drug intake. I just feel so guilty; I've only done weed - you know I don't touch the hard stuff or anything. That's still scary, though. My doctor said they looked fine; ten fingers, ten toes and all that." She lists off with a smile etched on her face. "Oh, and thankfully, only one baby. I've been having nightmares every night since Felix told me twins run in his family. But only one baby. And we're keeping the sex a secret. I am curious, and so is he, but we just decided that it would be a nice surprise, you know?"

"If I wanted children I'd do the same. Obviously knowing the sex and having a little party is nice, but nothing, not even fireworks, seems better than getting handed your baby and being told the sex. Maybe I'm just old fashioned." I shrug it off, but she shakes her head rapidly.

"No, no, I completely agree. That's what I told Felix... in other words, obviously, but still." She says, picking up my soda, and I frown as I watch her take a sip. "I'm thirsty, okay? Sorry. Baby gets what baby wants."

"And diet lemonade is what your baby wants?" I joke.

"No, but seriously, why does pregnancy leave you so dehydrated? I feel like a fucking desert." She fans her face, and I let out a laugh, taking the drink back from her.

"I have some water in here, have at it. It'll hydrate you more than lemonade." I reach into my bag, and take out my water bottle.

When I look up at her, she's staring, her eyes watery. Oh, no. "You're so kind to me, I don't deserve this." She says, her voice croaky.

"Yes, you do. Now, take the water, and tell me more about your baby. How far along are you?" I wonder. Even though she and Felix had sex the night of the club, that won't be the day they'll track her from. It'll be from the first day of her last period, so she may be further along than we all thought.

"Twenty-two weeks and two days. So, I'm more than half way, which is bizarre. I wish I knew sooner, though... it makes me feel a little guilty to be honest. Like, how did I just not know I was pregnant?" She looks completely baffled by it, and I purse my lips.

"Wait, when did you first realize you could be?" I've always wondered that.

"I am being deadly serious when I tell you I was completely oblivious to it until the beach house. You know at the fair, when you won me the little blue bear? Well, I remember just being so drawn to it, I don't know why. I just knew I needed it for some reason. I can't even explain what I mean, and now I sound a bit stupid. But like... I felt the need to mother this bear or something. Then a couple minutes after you won me it, I felt movement in my belly, and my boobs, like... ached, I don't know. It freaked me the fuck out honestly." She tells me, and a smile etches its way onto my face.

"You do know why that is, right?" I ask, and she shakes her head, looking genuinely confused. "Well, it may not be the same, but if a pregnant person holds a baby, their boobs will start to hurt... or something like that. It's like this weird thing that I read about. I don't know why it happens, it just does."

"Huh." She frowns, then begins to nod slowly. "Kinda makes sense, kinda doesn't."

"Yeah, I don't understand the science either, but I think it's a hormone or something." I shrug it off, and she sighs, giving me a little smile as she leans her head back. "You wanna nap for five minutes before class?"

"I won't wake up, you'll need to ring the boys to forklift me out of here." She rolls her eyes. "Actually, tell me about your day, what's been happening?"

Apart from overthinking and self spiralling? "Nothing much." My lie isn't even slightly convincive at this point, and she looks right through it; eyebrows raised as to say 'sure'.

"C'mon, what did we say a couple weeks ago? We're all here for one another. No more secrets." She says, and I sigh, bringing my legs up on the bench, to tuck them under my chin.

"Someone rang Ethan's phone and he lied about who it was." I tell her, feeling a little bit of weight lift from telling someone about it.

"Like..." She trails off, looking uneasy.

"A girl, yes." I answer her unasked question. "Unless Chelsea is a boy's name... Wait, is it? I don't think it is. And if it was, he wouldn't lie about who it was, right?"

"Has he never mentioned this... name before?" She questions with a frown.

"No, never. I want to keep an open mind, but all my insecurities override any possibility I come up with. I just feel so lost." I admit.

"Fuck. Ethan really likes to fuck things up for himself, doesn't he? It's like when he kissed that girl in public all over agai- Oh, shit, I'm sorry." She quickly apologizes. "I really need to start carrying around a bunched up pair of socks to shut myself up."

"No, it's fine. I mean, you're only saying what I've been thinking. I've tried not to jump to conclusions, but nothing is making sense in my head, Lauren." I stress, running my fingers through my hair. "She could be a therapist, she could be an event organizer for his job, she could be his fucking nail technision if she wanted to be, but she's not. You know why? If she was, he wouldn't have made a lie up and said it was Felix calling. He would have told me, right? Or does he not trust me? It makes sense, I guess. I've not been the best-"

"Okay, now stop right there. You are not going down that road. This is not your fault. You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend now, he should be telling you the truth. Some secrets are supposed to be kept a secret, but when someone is ringing his phone for anyone to see, well he's not doing a good job at keeping it hush." She raises her brows, and I hum, agreeing.

"I just have this awful feeling, this paranoia surrounding me that he's cheating, and it hurts so much to admit out loud." I whisper.

"I highly doubt he's cheating, Francesca." The use of my full name from her lips sounds foreign. "Ethan loves you, it's pretty damn clear. It's sickening actually. I believe he would go to extreme lengths to protect you from any hurt-"

"But he already has hurt me." I interrupt her. "This is hurting me. It's messing with my head. I'm getting PTSD flashbacks from my relationship with Chris. I am paranoid and I am insanely insecure right now. Obviously, he isn't intentionally causing me pain, but he is. It's hurting so much."

"Babe, I know it's hard... I have been in a similiar situation - not as bad as yours - but this is Ethan. Do you really believe he'd do this?" She asks, and I sigh, letting out a shaky breath.

"No." I shake my head, choking on a little sob. "But why would he lie?"

"I'm lying to my parents on the daily, Fran. People don't lie without reason. You lie to protect others and to protect yourself." Her words make complete sense, and I agree. I lied to everyone for months, so in a sense I'm a complete hypocrite. "By the way, I am not condoning the lying, I think he's completely out of order, to be honest, but there will always be a reason. I know it's hard, but try to look past the thought of him cheating. You are very smart, Frankie. If he lies again, then you have every right to be jumping to that conclusion, but for right now, with one piece of evidence, there's hardly no case to pinpoint that he is."

"I don't think he is." I tell her and she frowns.

"I'm confused. Shit, did I completely misinterpret everything?"

"No, not at all. The paranoia is making me believe he is, and in my head that is the only thing I can come up with, but I don't think he'd do that, so that confuses me even more. And despite me being very positive that he isn't doing that, I still can't stop spiralling. It's making me feel lost, and without an answer, I feel so empty. I don't know if that's my mental health or not, though." I mumble. My mental health has been a massive question my whole life, but with therapy has come some answers. I got diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and mild depression. The latter was always something I wondered, especially as a teenager. There would be weeks of low moments with no explanation. The easy tasks of getting out of bed, showering and putting on clothes, even replying to messages never felt so hard. Life was so heavy. Some days it still is.

"Even if it is, don't ignore it. You're doing amazing. You have therapy tomorrow, speak this out with Taylor. I aren't a therapist, I can only give you friendly advice. Taylor can help you figure some of this out, especially with what you said about paranoia. Maybe speaking about Chris and that relationship in tomorrow's session will be something you need?" She suggests. I let it settle in my brain - this was something I never really thought to do. But am I really ready to speak openly about Chris?

"I don't know, Lauren... what if I can't?" I mumble, and she reaches for my hands, putting her own over them and starts to gently stroke her thumbs over my knuckles.

"You are insanely strong, you know that, Frankie? If you aren't able to, then we'll figure it out when it comes, yes? But speaking about this, speaking about Chris and what happened with you guys... it may help. It might have been two years ago now, but it's obviously still an issue in your life." With her voice, I know she's trying to be weary in what she says, scared she'll offend me or something.

"Okay, I'll bring it up with Taylor." I agree, not just for her, but for myself.

Maybe this will help? I hope so.

~~~~~

A/N

It's only been... what? Two and half weeks. I apologize, I honestly am so sorry these updates are so shit. College life is... tiring and overwhelming. I have my exams next week, so if you don't get an update until after then, I'm sorry, I really am.

Life update: Mental health is in the gutter. I've missed writing, I love you guys.

Question of the chapter:

Just drop any questions you have for me regarding myself, writing, these characters, life – anything you want to know, I'll answer for you!

I hope this chapter was okay!

Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can follow me too. I'm also on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Pinterest and Spotify, where I have everything (Aesthetics', quotes, playlists, and my everyday craziness on my story) – @daisyclouds89, it's all in my link Xx

3235 word!

~B