Stepping out of the front door, the warm spring air hits my rosy, tear stained cheeks, and I walk onto the quiet yet usually busy street. I frown when I can't see the car where it's usually waiting for me. I walk further down the street, a smile coming to my face when I finally do. There's a little skip in my step, the driver's side door opening, and I grin when I see the person.

"So, how was today?" Ethan asks with a wide smile, passing over his car keys to me.

"You know; same old, same old." I shrug, stepping forward to approach the car, groaning when he pulls me back.

"Francesca." He warns and raises his brow at me, a smile on his lips.

"Taylor wants me to tell my friends." I say, rolling my eyes as soon as the sentence leaves my mouth. "I know I have to, and I know I so desperately need and want to – but I also know I can't. Talking with you, even four months after I first told you, is painful. She understands that, and I truly believe that she's got good intentions, but thinking about telling them is killing me. I don't know if they'll be like you, that they'll understand everything – what happened during the breakdown, me lying to everyone. There's just more fall-out than give, and it doesn't seem like my happiness is worth that."

"Your happiness is worth everything, you're getting yourself better and this is just one step along the road. It'll be hard, but there's no time limit." He murmurs, cupping my jaw and I shrug him off, hating how easy it is for us to fall into our old pattern.

"Ethan, don't make this harder." I whisper, shielding my heart from further heartbreak.

"You know I don't mean to do that." His eyes are looking away, his jaw ticking.

"I know." I take hold of his hand, forcing a little smile. "Let's get in the car, come on."

Dropping my grasp on his hand, I make my way over to the driver's side door, sending him a cheeky grin before climbing into the seat, and he follows, getting into the passenger. Both of our doors shutting at the same time, me blowing out a breath as I settle back in the seat.

"Wanna have five, chill out?" He asks, and I nod, knowing I need this time to let my mind and emotions settle down, them still on high alert from the session I just had.

"Taylor asked how you were by the way." I might as well start here.

"Oh yeah, what did she say?" He chuckles, smiling over at me.

"She just asked how the separation was on me, if I was still dealing with it. How you were. Just us as a whole." I say, sighing slightly as I recall me breaking down on that sofa, tissues laid on my chest as I sobbed my heart out to her. Honestly, I'm surprised she still sees and puts up with me. 

"And?" He presses.

"I cried. A lot." I admit, looking over at him shyly. "I know we've decided to keep our distance until I'm better, but it's just getting harder as we become close again."

"I know, trust me, I know." He mutters, running his hands over his joggers.

Ever since that cold evening in January when we broke up, I held onto us, every tiny grasp of what we once were, even after he left me in the park, my heart completely shattered when he walked away. I know why he walked away, he did it because we wouldn't have ended, we would have most likely gone back to the dorm together, and I would have played along with my little act. We would have fallen into bed, and the break-up would have never truly happened.

However, it did – I went back to the dorm alone, walking through the door with tears staining my cheeks, it feeling like déjà vu from the time, when I saw him kiss a stranger.

My friends didn't take it well, in fact Lauren, Hanna, Matt and Felix had a mission to cold-blooded murder him. I only went to bed, not wanting to hear his name anymore. They never even questioned why we broke up, they were so caught up in the fact we were, that their minds were set on planning Ethan's murder – it ate at me because it was my fault why we broke up, not him. 

Ethan promised that he would never leave, that we would stay friends, and in the moment, I truly didn't believe him. I thought that, that was it, that it was over for us. I believed for the whole two weeks that I never left my bedroom, my heart dealing with pain of heartbreak from Ethan, and the grief for my mother, that I'd never truly see him again.

My head was a dangerous place, and even though he had his best intentions at heart, he truly did leave me when I was at my worst and when I needed him the most. He was the only person that I could truly speak to – and I needed to talk, I needed to cry to someone about everything, him being the only option then. The two weeks apart made me realize how much I did need a therapist. I was using him as my own personal one, more than a boyfriend, and that wasn't fair on him at all. He didn't deserve it.

Two weeks, that's how long it took me until I accepted everything truly – I texted Ethan, he rang me back and I accepted the help through broken sobs. He kept his promise, he really did mean what he said that evening. It was like weeks hadn't passed, he was picking me up the next morning, and we went and did it together. I needed him with me in the first session, I was truly a mess, and I didn't even get anything out until the fourth, only speaking about my feelings in the sixth – the first time I was alone.

Opening up to a stranger turned out to be harder than I imagined, only now Taylor isn't much of a stranger, and lately I've been looking forward to the sessions that I have twice a week.

Ethan broke my heart in the most selfless way possible, and him being here during the healing process has been weird. I'm grieving a part of us even though we're still present. It's like a reverse button has been pressed, we went back to the beginning, back to being friends. I'm at the part where the friendship is getting hard to uphold because of my feelings – for three and a half months, we've stayed platonic, and my feelings have never gone away.

I still love him – I. Still. Love. Ethan. Kane.

It was easier at first, I was guarded, I felt somewhat betrayed even though now I see everything much clearer – he was being selfless, he put me first, he saved me. You would think it would be harder at first, but it was easier than this.

It's torturous but I can't leave him in my past, I don't think I could ever.

At the beginning, we would only see each other when he picked me up to go back and forth to these appointments, then the next month, I started the gym back up. Then to this month, where we're back to almost normal, only we don't touch each other like we used to; I don't remember the last time I felt his arm around my waist. We've not kissed since that last kiss was shared.

It seems stupid us not being together, there's no reason stopping us now except me – I'm scared of doing exactly what I did last time. I always went to him, I relied too much on him, and it simply wasn't fair. 

"You okay, spacey?" He muses, nudging my leg with his hand.

"Yeah, just thinking about us." There's no point lying about it.

"I still love you, Francesca, you know that. There's no point in rushing yourself when I'm not going anywhere." He says, and my heart does a somersault as its hit with different emotions – hope yet heartbreak. I'm always hopeful with us, I know that we're going to be together again one day, hopefully soon. But his admittance of his love always makes my heart stop, breaking slightly.

"I love you too." I whisper, closing my eyes as I settle down.

"Want me to put some music on?" He asks, and I nod, needing that distraction, instead of his beautiful words, not that I don't love them.

"Yeah, I just need to clear my mind. So many things were brought up, like my friends, my relationships with them, my past friendships, my ex. Obviously you. It was just a lot." I say, and he nods, turning the dial up, 'Ever Since New York' ringing through making me smile – I've turned him into a Harry Styles fan funnily ever since we came back from New York. "Keep this one."

"Okay, then we'll get McDonald's, and head straight to your work?" He suggests.

"Sounds like a plan." I smile.

Work has been stressful lately – I'm still working for Karen, doing extra shifts to try and make some well-needed cash. I've even handed out my résumé for people to consider me, but nothing – getting a job is not as easy as it looks. I've been trying to find a better paying job, a job that I actually love, and it would be perfect, if it was a job that I could actually exceed in but that's not realistic.

I envy people that gets their dream almost handed to them.

It's four months since I found out through that dreadful phone call with my sperm-donor, that I had to pay for my medical bill. A medical bill that I have to pay fully without insurance since he pulled me from the family plan.

I have thousands to pay off, I don't know the true amount because honestly, I haven't looked at it. I don't want to look at it – I know it's a lot; I had minor surgery for Christ sakes. All I know is the hospital take as much as they can from my bank when I get paid every month. My dad is no longer able to access my bank, I closed that account, made a new one and got in touch with the hospital to set up a payment plan. I just want it to be over soon, but it's going to take years with this shit paid job.

My friends are aware I'm struggling financially more than usual, and it's been hard to accept their help because I feel so weak and useless, but I've been working on it. I'm so grateful for them, Ethan too, he hooked me up with a little job at the gym so I have some cash-in-hand, Scar literally has me doing nothing – I have to tidy around the offices (Scar and Ethan's), maybe organize the drawers, run through the security tapes when I'm bored, but that's it. It's simple, and I get fifteen dollars an hour for that. I know I'm only getting paid because of my connection to Ethan, but it's Scar who is the one paying me.

"You want me to drive?" Ethan asks, breaking me out of my thoughts – harmless thoughts really, them only reminding me and making me appreciate the people I've surrounded myself with.

"I haven't got my pills; I'll be okay. I'm okay, it's just hard trying to take away everything from those sessions, especially the tough ones. A lot got brought up in that one hour. I'm processing it, not pushing everything away but it's harder than I ever thought it would be because I came so familiar to doing so." I admit, running my hand through the front of my hair and before I get totally annoyed with it, I finally put it up in a messy bun – way too messy in my opinion – with the hair tie on my wrist.

"You're doing amazing, and I'm so proud of you. I know this is hard, but it's working, right? You're still on the seventeen day streak from your last nightmare?" He checks, and a smile comes to my face as I nod.

"Eighteen nights of nightmareless sleep now. It's not getting easier to fall asleep though because the longer the streak goes on, I'm just sat up, paranoid and hoping it doesn't happen, because I'm so terrified of the contents of it. These sessions are helping though – I'm really thankful you pushed me to do this." I say, cringing as the last words come out. "Sorry, I didn't mean that."

"I know you didn't. But you're not wrong – I did push you. It was awful of me, I'm truly sorry for the ultimatum, but it was needed. You see that right?" He checks.

"Yeah, looking back, I was truly fucked up. I don't know why you're still here today." I mutter, skimming my fingers across the leather steering wheel, not looking at him.

"Because I love you, and I'm not prepared to lose you over something so out of your own control. This was never your fault." He's been telling me those five words repetitively, and I believe them now, not like before when I ate up the manipulation of my father. "This step-back was always to put your mental health first, not to lose you. It's going to take a lot to get rid of me. I'm kind of like one of those stickers that never truly can come off, there will always be a trace."

"You are annoying; I have to agree." I say, and he whacks my shoulder, us both falling into laughter. "I'm going to be late for work and Karen is going to kill me."

"Ugh, she needs to get laid, I swear." He groans, rolling his eyes, and I stare at him in disbelief. This is my forty-nine year old boss we're talking about here, I don't want to imagine her 'getting laid'. "Don't look at me like that, it's true. She's so uptight."

"Like sex is going to fix her personality." I say sarcastically yet in a monotone voice.

"It works for most." He counters.

"And boxing doesn't work?" I chuckle, remembering when he said that I was uptight and to fix that we could sleep with each other, or I could start hitting a bag.

"Why do you think I've been working more than usual, hmm?" He smirks, raising a brow, and my smile drops when I realize what he's insinuating. "It works. Well, kind of, you're still horny but not exactly frustrated."

"I don't want to know about you being horny." I whine, not wanting to know what he does in his private time – I'm not part of that anymore.

"Oh fuck off." He rolls his eyes.

"You make this hard for us." I say, shrugging my shoulders with a smile as I turn the keys in the ignition, my head clear, ready to drive.

"Darling, my thoughts aren't exactly clear. When we're back together, you're not going to know what's hit you – you may in fact break up with me." He says, and I turn my head slowly towards him. "Too soon?"

"You can't joke about a break up that's still not back together." I say, focusing my eyes back on the road, checking my mirrors before I pull out of the space.

"You are the one that's keeping us apart – jump me whenever, I'm here." He says and I roll my eyes, shaking my head slightly.

"Keep fucking your fist, I'm not ready for your teasing behavior." I say, pursing my lips at that excuse when we both know my actual reason.

I want to get better fully, not that I'll ever be over what happened with my mom because I won't, but to get better mentally. I want to get to a place where I can be happy without Ethan being the only reason for that happiness. He is now, but friendship is easier than a relationship because the deep feelings following sex and a relationship – it seems too much right now.

"You get my teasing behavior anyhow." He says with a chuckle, only I don't believe that. "But it's just filtered, so much so that it's child-like."

"Child-like, are you serious?" I blurt out.

"Wanna hear a few?" He's wearing a grin when I briefly look over at him.

"Nope, keep them." I say, biting my tongue because as much as I want to hear his perverted thoughts, I know it'll just tease me. It's like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. Only this will be sex in front of a couple that's on a break – pure torture.

Thankfully he takes my word, he keeps his mouth shut, only humming to the songs that come on – that is until he's complaining about how hungry he is, and how much he wants McDonald's chicken nuggets. It's the fact he started whining about this, not even five minutes away from the drive thru. Finally though, we got the food, me only ordering a banana milkshake and fries to dip in because the aftermath of that session has left me nauseas.

"Stop gawking at my chicken nuggets, you perve." He mutters with a frown, shielding the box from me.

We're now sat in the car of the parking lot, the sign of McDonald's in front of us. I'm happily eating my fries, listening to Oasis on low.

"You have twenty chicken nuggets, can't you give your ex-girlfriend one, just one? That's all I ask for." I plea, my eyebrows in a frown, pouting up at him.

"Don't do that face! That's not fair." He says, grabbing a fry of mine, pretending to throw it at me before he stuffs it into my mouth.

"Ethan!" I squeal, groaning when I have to actually eat the salty food – I only like them when they're almost covered fully in milkshake. I'm a weirdo, I realize that.

"One chicken nugget." He mutters, slowly holding it out to me, shielding the rest of the box.

"Dude, it's one out of twenty – you once shared a fucking slice of toast with me, what happened?" I roll my eyes.

"No sex made me greedy." He says way too casually, and I squint my eyes at him.

"You do realize the last time you had sex was also the last time I had sex." I say, hoping that, that is still correct. I never thought about it until now, that he could actually be seeing other girls.

"Best sex of my life." He says with a shrug of his shoulders. I mean, he's not wrong – the last time we had sex was the time I walked into the male showers at the gym, got naked and bang, he fucked me against the shower wall. The memory alone sends the butterflies swarming.

It was all before everything went to shit.

"So, what time are you starting work at today?" He asks, his mouth full of food. Disgusting pig.

"In three minutes." I reply casually with a smile. I know I probably shouldn't be this laid back, considering I need this job. , but I'm past caring when it comes to it now. With it being Thursday, my shift starts at five and is only three hours long – and it's usually quiet anyway. I don't know why Karen stays open until eight, but she does. I'm glad it's only three hours because after college lectures and therapy, I don't want to do this.

"Francesca, you're going to be late." He scolds me, and I nod like the disobedient child I am.

"I'm happy, today I'm okay. Nothing can burst this bubble right now, I feel happy sat here with you, eating McDonald's in the parking lot. And I know it's only momentarily, so let me enjoy this. I'll deal with everything later." I dismiss him, and he thankfully he leaves it at that. "Now, can I have another nugget?"

"Greedy bitch." He mutters, and I scoff at the man quite literally gating his chicken nuggets from me like I'm a predator.

Thankfully he caves to my pleading face again, and I happily sit with my milkshake, fries and one chicken nugget. Delicious chicken nugget nonetheless. I do slightly regret only getting fries, but in the moment I felt so nauseas, and thinking of eating anything else just made it worse.

"Harry Potter nights are starting tonight." I mumble through eating, reminding him about the only thing I've looked forward to in a while. 

Movie night – once Friday night, then it was changed to Monday, but it gradually just became Thursday. What once was just Hanna, Matt, Lauren and I, has changed – Kieran, Felix and Ethan now join us every week too. Hanna is the only one that still hates Ethan, refuses to sit near him and talk to him, but it's truly because she actually liked him – as did everyone else, but she doesn't trust guys easily – and thought he was one of the good ones. Which he is. I feel guilty that no one knows the real reason behind the breakup, that it was for my own good, that it wasn't his fault. But honestly no one has even asked about the real reason, everyone just assumed Ethan did something.

I feel awful for that, but Ethan takes it. He apologized to everyone like he had done something wrong which he didn't, not in my opinion. The first time I invited him around, everyone made it so awkward, only us being the ones acting semi-normal. Now it's like nothing happened, everyone getting along, ordering takeout, settling down for a movie – only Hanna being the one keeping her distance, acting cold. He doesn't take it to heart, he knows she's just looking out for me.

It's nice knowing me and Ethan aren't the only single ones though, that everyone else is also. Hanna as she always has been, is single, enjoying herself and living her life carelessly yet safely. Kieran and Matt are still in a friends with benefits relationship, but I truly don't think anything more will come out of it, it's working for them, and it's always friendship when around us, they never take it out of the bedroom. We've all created amazing friendships with Kieran, and I think he'll always be apart of our group. Lauren and Felix... well, they're simply a married couple. They flirt endlessly, argue like no tomorrow, not in a toxic way, just in a bickering, banter-ish way. Lauren claims they've not slept together since the first time, however Ethan and I do not believe that at all.

"Seriously, we're starting it finally?" He asks with a wide smile.

"Yeah, it's long overdue, but with Twilight getting more votes than Harry Potter, we had to wait." I roll my eyes at the obscene reality that Twilight won the vote. Me and Matt was not happy.

"I loved Harry Potter growing up, it was one of those movies we always had in the care home which is honestly so insensitive." He mutters, and I can't help the laugh fall, and I'm instantly smacking my hand over my mouth, truly appalled at my reaction. "Laugh – it's funny."

"It's not. Please tell me you didn't live in a cupboard." I look up at him hopeful.

"I mean..." He hesitates, my heart dropping, that's before he starts laughing. "Your face, that's priceless. Of course not, the rooms were small, very small but not cupboard size. I mean, there was like a time-out cupboard but that's it."

"That- um, Ethan... that's not exactly good, you do realize that?" I raise my brow at him, my facial expression and voice soft.

"Oh yeah, I do now, but it was kind of normal. Nothing bad would happen in there, just time-out in the dark, and then you'd get released when you felt better or whatever." He rolls his eyes.

I really don't know how to respond to that because I know time-out is a thing, a lot of parents use it as a form of punishment, only my parents never did that with me. Yes, I got grounded, but that wasn't until I did extreme things like leave the state. I had pretty chill parents, my mom being the chill one, my dad only complying with her.

"How's work lately, you haven't said?" He asks, handing me another chicken nugget, and I smile as I take it, thankful that he's changed the conversation himself.

"It's okay, I'm actually just glad I'm working somewhere I'm familiar with customers. I'm still on edge with guys though, some I can't even serve and Leah has to. She's been great, Alex too when they're in, but it's frustrating. Work in general is quite easy, I'm just tired with everything, so it makes the time there drag. Karen's still a bitch as you know, but she's been semi-okay lately – I guess I'm just poking the bear now by being late." I chuckle at my last sentence, rubbing my hands over my black jeans, instantly scolding myself for doing so.

My style is now back, after months of drowning my body in baggy clothing, I gradually got my confidence back to wear what I want. I'm wearing a red cropped top – no bra underneath, my piercing's noticeable, black jeans and some black sneakers, my facial piercings also making an appearance for once. I feel good, confident, and myself. As much as I love wearing band t-shirts, also my usual style, I've missed this side of my style too. 

"It'll get better, and you know how proud I am of you. Has Taylor brought that night up yet?" He asks, and I shake my head.

"I've only just started speaking about the incident, opening up about that. She knows about what happened though, I wrote this journal thing that she asked me to do. I think she's just taking it slow, and I appreciate that because I can only handle so much at once." I say with a sigh, giving him a little forced smile.

"She's a good therapist, Francesca, I made sure of that." He says, casually squeezing my thigh gently. I jolt in shock mostly, not expecting him to do that, my eyebrows drawing together as I frown at him, his face immediately drains, washing over with fear. "Fuck, I'm so sorry."

"No, no, it wasn't that you scared me, I just didn't expect you to touch me." I'm quick to assure him, but he doesn't make the move to put his hand there again which doesn't surprise me. We're friends. "Anyway, um, today Taylor and I were talking as I briefly said, about my ex, you, and also my friendships – we left the session with her questioning if I could tell them. She said she believed that I could, that I am at a place where she believes that I could do this, but I'm so terrified. I'm scared of their reactions more, not the fact that I'm not ready because I think I am, but I just don't want them to hate me for lying. I kept something massive from them, and even though I'm no longer in denial about my mom, this would just make it all so much more real. I'm scared for that. I don't know if it'll effect me mentally like it did when my dad rang me."

"Hey, don't worry, there's no time limit on telling them. And you know deep down that they'll never hate you, not for that. And mentally, I've told you, breakup or not, if you ever feel the need to harm yourself with drugs or anything else, I will be with you." He says, and a swarm of guilt hits me.

"As much as I appreciate that, I fucking hate that you feel the need to assure me of that. I fucking hate how broken I still am, how fucking weak." I mutter, looking out of the window, seeing a little girl with her family, hand in hand.

Ethan's hands grab my face, his thumb roughly pulling my chin to meet his eyes, and I fight the urge to close my legs because then he'll notice this has effected me in ways it shouldn't. Which it has – I'm turned on, my core is burning for him, anything, but I know that it can't happen, not yet.

"You're not weak, you're the furthest from weak, we both know that. I swear to God, you are the strongest person that I know, and I know a lot of people. Please don't belittle yourself and your progress like that, you've come so far since that night in December." He murmurs.

"I feel weak." I whisper.

"Doesn't mean that you are though." He corrects.

"I hate that my head may go straight for drugs when things get bad." I frown at my words.

"Did it when we broke up?" He questions seriously.

"No-" I'm quick to say.

"Exactly. You didn't do that. Yes, this is a different situation, this is bringing up trauma, but you didn't turn for drugs then, you didn't. I believe you won't this time, and I'm going to be there. You aren't going to be alone like last time when your dad rang you. Your friends are so supportive when they want to be. They won't rush you into this. You can simply start how you told me, how you said something happened but you can't speak about it yet. They will understand." He assures me, and I believe that. I believe everything he just said, but I guess I'm just scared in general. "Now, eat two more chicken nuggets, then we'll get you to work, hmm?"

"I thought they were yours?" I scoff.

"You need to eat more. What've you had to eat today besides these fries?" He questions making me hesitate as I grab my milkshake.

"I had a smoothie that Kieran made me for breakfast, but that's it. I'll steal a pastry or something from work." I say, dancing my tongue over my metal straw before taking a sip, and I catch his eyes watching me.

"Don't try to distract me with your tongue. You need to eat more than you are doing." He says, and I sigh, nodding, agreeing with him. "Three more chicken nuggets. Eat."

"Three? You're really treating me." I muse, a smile on my face as I take the box from him.

"Shut up and eat, then we can get you to work." He rolls his eyes but I see the smile.

That's what we did, we finished our food together whilst listening to the radio, then head bopping to Led Zeppelin the whole drive back to work.

~~~~~

A/N

I'M BACK BITCHES, AND SO ARE MY CHARACTERS!

It's honestly only four days since I finished 'never & forever', but we're back with 'forever & always'.

THIS BOOK IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING STEAMY, YOU ARE NOT READY FOR IT. READ THE WARNINGS BEFOREHAND! ALSO, BE READY FOR SOME BOXING... WE WILL FINALLY GET TO SEE ETHAN IN ACTION.

July 1st cannot come quick enough, but it's currently May 28th as I write this. I'm writing during this time, getting ahead of my writing, then taking my 'break' the whole of JULY. I will resume writing in August because I'm on holiday for the most of July. But don't worry, I'm making sure I have enough updates for you guys whilst I'm not writing.

I love you all for the support on my first book, please don't hate Ethan too much. I LOVE HIM.

Life update: I am feeling so amazing about this book, there's literally no lie there – I am just so ready for this to begin. I love Ethan and Francesca so much, and this is only the beginning. Stay with me, I love you guys.

Question of the chapter:

What do you prefer reading on (Wattpad, Kindle, E-book, or physical form)?

Wattpad, I love it, it's so much easier. I love commenting, and expressing my opinion, but I do love physical books too. I just got 'Skin Of The Night' and 'I Need You To Hate Me' in the mail – I read them on Wattpad, and I fell in love, so I got them!

I hope this chapter was okay!

Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can follow me too. I'm also on Instagram – @daisyclouds89 Xx

5159 words!

~B