I remember hearing a song, about a year ago, that made me desperately think of him. One that promised that if they loved you, they would call when the world was ending as their last resort, their last hope of seeing you before everything fell apart. And how I longed to see him, how I longed to feel his face and his lips and feel something because in the chaos of it all, I was just so so damn lonely.

It's funny how it's been a year since then and I still don't need him, I never did. And he never called either, the world didn't end. But it got so damn close to it that I was heartbroken he didn't.

I lost my best friend about four months ago if I'm counting correctly. We went back and forth for a little while but I'm sure she's gone now, she's never coming back. But for a while I hoped that when things got rough, she'd call and talk and we'd sit in our cars at midnight and cry it out like we used to. But she'd see me in public and never bat an eye. So I figured it was over and done with too.

It's funny how I wait on people to make the first move, wait for them to come back, because once you leave me I'm already gone. And yet I still silently suffer, watching, waiting for them to say, "I'm sorry, I miss you." My pride gets in the way of me saying it myself.

But maybe that's a mechanism I've wired in myself got protect me. If my brain hasn't allowed myself to apologize then there must be a reason. There is rarely something in my life that I don't find a need to apologize for. I apologize for the way I talk, the way I breathe. I'm constantly dreading stepping on anyone's toes.

So if somehow I can't find myself apologizing there must be some sort of reason. Maybe my pride is a way of saying I don't deserve this, to be treated the way I was. Does this make me stronger or weaker than I thought I was? I don't know.

All I know is that tomorrow, I'm probably going to see him for the first time in a year and a half. And if not him, then someone he knew or is very close to.

I don't know what's going to hurt worse, if they remember me or if they don't. If they see me and remember me and confront me I don't know how I would handle it, I'd probably break down and cry. If they see me and don't remember me that might hurt worse, because how fair is it that I'll be haunted with this for the rest of my life and I fade into their distant memories?

And maybe they see me and recognize me and say nothing at all.

I would never know, but the underwhelming-ness of it all might break me as well.

Maybe they're not even there and I work myself up for nothing.

It still hurts that it's been this long and it still affects me like this.

I'm confused and angry. I'm in love with someone else, I have new best friends, and I'm about to abandon my old life to start a newer, happier one. Why can't I let the past go?

It makes me angry. At them and at myself.

I'm still waiting on an old stranger's phone call, and it's eating me alive.