Prompt: Gwen and Noelle Moment from the_quiet_jade

Featuring my OC Gwen from When Water Turns To Ice and its rewrite Project Artificial Love.

Title from the lyrics of The Mother by Brandi Carlile.
*****

You always thought you were ready to be a parent.

But let me tell you, you are not.

No matter how many kids you babysit, how many classes you take, or how many super boring books you read, you are never prepared for the slippery slope that is parenthood.

Gwen knew that being a parent would be hard. Gwen knew what she had been getting into. Gwen had seen all those parents and watched what they did. She followed her mom around asking questions for weeks. Then she had followed the social worker for even longer!

Communication was key when it came to kids and babies. You wanted to talk so that babies would get used to the sound of your voice, you'd sing to soothe them to sleep, and try and use their name as often as possible so that they will get used to responding to it.

That was easy for Gwen.

Gwen knew the rules. Gwen knew the language.

But Noelle couldn't hear or talk with her in the way that Gwen would be able to with other children.

So, that meant learning a whole new language and a whole new set of rules.

Gwendolyn was bilingual but she had grown up with the two languages she spoke. It had been built over years and years of life. Gwen didn't have years and years to learn. She needed to learn now. 

Teaching a kid while being taught yourself was hard. Gwen felt anxiety and fill her every time she messed up signs. She couldn't afford to mix up thank you with swear words. She couldn't afford to forget her own daughter's name sign.

Raising a child meant creating who that child was going to become. It was like a whole new type of test that determined the future of a tiny human being. But there weren't any do-overs. You couldn't take this test again. You were stuck with the mark you got.

Gwen worked hard. Harder than she ever had for anything in her life. She studied, she learned, she called friend after friend after friend. But no matter how hard Gwen tried she kept making mistakes.

She'd call to Noelle when she was touching something she shouldn't. She'd startle the girl by sneaking up behind her by accident. She'd make the soup too hot or a warm compress too cold. All these little things were stacking up and Gwen was lying awake at night wondering how on earth she could bring that score up.

Zane, of course, was a star. He would gently take Noelle's hand before she could hurt herself, he would make sure she was aware of where he was, and he would sign full monologues as a bedtime story! He never made the soup too hot or a warm compress too cold. He was perfect. As he always was.

And Gwen?

Gwen was wondering how she could compete with someone as great as that.

"It will come in time." Everyone always said.

"Just keep trying!" They'd encourage.

"Trust your instincts!"

But Gwen's instincts weren't working the way they should. She didn't have the time to try and fix them. So she was stuck trying and trying to push against all her bad decisions, only to result in the need to fix more.

At last, the breaking point came.

Gwen knew it had been coming.

But it didn't stop her heart from breaking when Noelle went running to Zane instead of her.

*****

"She hates me," Gwen said despairingly, her voice muffled as she lay face-down into a pillow.

"Noelle does not hate you." Zane tried to assure her. He hurried to roll Gwen onto her back before she could suffocate.

"I put her in poison ivy!" Tired frustration leaked into the woman's tone as she punched the air weakly like a cat. "Even I hate me."

Zane sighed. He had tried his best to influence a positive connection between his wife and his daughter but they only seemed to be growing farther apart. They haven't even made it to the teenage years and there was already a gap in their relationship.

"Gwendolyn..." His voice trailed off. Even Zane wasn't sure what to say.

It only made her feel worse. He was her rock. Her conscience. Her better half. Zane always seemed to have all the answers but at last Gwen's many mid-life crises have finally broken him.

Gwen pressed her lips together, her tense body making Zane fall silent as she stood. "I need some space." Her voice even sounded empty to her ears.

Zane nodded without saying anything. His eyes were sad but Gwen was feeling too frustrated to think about it.

Gwen went to her studio. The little room was snug and cozy but it was bigger than Zane's own office. He had insisted that she had the space to do her art. Another gesture that showed how amazing he was.

You're the one that suggested adopting. Gwen scolded herself internally. You were the one that wanted this and now Zane has to deal with your whining and lacklustre parenting skills.

Gwen sighed and grabbed a blank canvas. After prepping it with a base coat she began squirting paint and slathering it on. She barely focused on her work, painting on autopilot as her mind moved elsewhere. She barely realized how late it was until she started nodding off in her seat.

Abandoning the canvas she peered out of the room. Guilt gnawed at her when she saw the cold plate of dinner Zane had put out for her. Gwen had left him once more to look after their daughter by himself. Gwen moved to the kitchen, walking blindly through the dark as she placed the plate in the fridge to reheat the meal.

As she waited for her dinner to heat up she wandered to the bedroom and peeked inside. Zane was laying there, his eyes closed and a soft whirring sounded, signalling he was cleaning his systems.

He looked so peaceful. His brow wasn't bunched with concern. He wasn't multitasking with a million different things.

He was just... him.

Not being a dad. Not being a husband. Not being a friend. Just being Zane. With his cute little smile as he did the robot equivalent of sleeping.

Gwen suddenly saw how this had affected their relationship. Everything was about Noelle or her emotional health lately. Not just about her or him.

Or them.

She felt guilty for these thoughts. She was so fortunate to have a loving husband and a beautiful, kind child. She shouldn't feel lost.

Yet she did.

And she was questioning everything.

Please First Spinjitzu Master. Send me a sign. Gwen prayed.

****

Gwen nearly jumped out of her skin when Noelle had come running over sobbing profusely. Her whole face was red, big grey eyes brimmed with tears as she scampered across the room and ran to Zane.

They exchanged looks of concern as Zane held her and tried to talk to her. Noelle had been playing in the playground with some children. She had seemed happy clambering all over the little climbers. Nothing like the distressed child she was now.

Gwen wanted to go over but she found herself hesitating as she watched Zane interact with her.

"What's wrong?" Zane signed to her questioningly.

Noelle just shook her head and tried to bury her head into his shoulder again. Zane gently pushed her back so he could see if she signed.

"Was someone mean to you?" Zane asked.

Gwen watched as Noelle's lip trembled. Oh boy. This wasn't going to get anywhere. Zane was great at comforting. He had a calm and soothing aura that made everything seem okay. He always tried to make things better.

But that was just it.

Zane always tried to fix the problem.

He did not understand that sometimes people didn't need you to fix a problem. They just needed someone to be there.

"Noelle?" Gwen cursed internally for forgetting the girl couldn't hear her again. She quickly waved her hand to get the girl's attention. She automatically did her name sign as Noelle glanced over at her.

"It's okay." Gwen bent down so she was level with her and stroked Noelle's head. "Would you like a hug?"

Noelle nodded, sniffing and made grabby hands at her. Gwen complied and took her girl in arms. She turned Noelle around so she could see the signs Gwen was saying.

"Come on, let's go on a little walk together," Gwen told her. Noelle made no move to object as Gwen grabbed their bag.

"We won't be long," Gwen said to Zane. He looked surprised as he watched his wife carry their child down the little path around the park.

Gwen never did figure out why Noelle was crying. But she did start to figure out parenthood.

She didn't need to be perfect at everything. She'd try hard to get good at the things she wasn't and get better at the things she was. All the rest she could rely on Zane to handle.

No books or lessons or advice could describe the crazy, strong feeling a parent has towards their child. Think of anything you've loved so badly and so obsessively that it hurts and then multiply that by infinity.

You found yourself tempted to just hold on forever and never let go. You felt a fierce protectiveness like no other. You felt everything all at once.

You found yourself laying in bed and thinking about that child. How you would do everything in your power to keep them safe, keep them happy, and give them the very best life you possibly can. You found yourself thinking of drastic situations, knowing fully well you would die for this being.

It was crazy, it was almost hysterical. There was no science in sight that could possibly explain all that was going on in a parents heart and soul.

It was beautiful.

And it was powerful.

From then on Noelle went to both of them. Sometimes for different things. For help with getting a snack or figuring out a problem, Noelle would often shyly go to Zane and tap his knee for his attention. When she just needed a hug or someone to talk to she would scamper off to the studio and sit with Gwen. She would sign so fast that Gwen learned to nod and shake her head at the appropriate intervals even when she had no idea what her daughter was saying.

Sometimes Noelle didn't choose one or the other. Sometimes she'd go to both. Whether it be because of a new best friend or a nightmare Noelle began seeing them not only as individuals but as a pair. As her parents.

So what if Zane was hard to beat? That just meant he was being a good father!

Besides, parenthood wasn't a contest you were competing against each other in. You were competing with each other.

As Gwen sat on the couch, holding a wiggling Noelle who wouldn't stop signing her new favourite word, shiny, she laid back against Zane and looked around the dark room. It no longer felt so empty.

It felt like home.

authors note*****

I can imagine Noelle bapping Zane repeatedly in the nose when he's showing his titanium form and repeatedly signing "shiny". 😂

Being a parent is a tricky thing. It's trial and error and millions and millions of questions. I don't know the feeling because I am not a parent. But if it's anything like the crazy stupid strong love I have for my dog I'm sure it's as powerful as I've described it. Maybe even more.

I was inspired by Dream Child on Ao3. The author of that fanfiction is an AMAZING writer! I'm always blown away by how beautifully they phrase things and create an amazing thought process!

It's a Mandalorian fanfic so it's about Din and Grogu. Grogu signs in this fanfic and I love how they write about their relationship and how Din figures out being a parent. The Grogu dance scene was my favourite. 😂

Anyways, it's always interesting to write next-generation because you're using these characters you've practically seen grow up and you're trying to figure out the type of parent they are.

I imagine Zane to be a calm, quiet, parent. The one who tells you to eat your vegetables and wraps you up extra tight before you play outside in the snow. Gwen is probably more of the 'fun' parent that sneaks your treats and tells the best stories!

What kind of parents do you see them as? I'd love to hear it! (Not because I want comments but because I'm genuinely curious 😂)

LuckyBugBooks 🐞