​Pregnant

||

I stare at the results. I am pregnant. My hand goes to my stomach involuntarily. I am carrying a baby in me, a human child. A living person. In me. I look at reflection in the mirror. ​

Am I ready to be a mother?

Would I be a good mother?

What about Ryan?

Does he want a child?

​So many questions swam in my mind. Okay, I need to calm down. I pace around the bathroom. Okay first things first I need a doctor. I walk over to my phone and call my gynecologists.

​'Hi, Mae'

'Hi​​, London'. I have known Doctor London since I was a little girl. She is a little bit older than I am but we grew up together.

​"Hope everything is fine?' she asks concern in her voice.

'I think I am pregnant'​

'That is good news' she says and I hear the joy in her voice.

​It is good news, right. I rub my hands over my belly.

'Yes it is but I am not sure yet, when can I come in for a checkup?' I ask and we make plans for tomorrow. I thank her and hang up the call.

I stay in the bathroom looking at myself. It doesn't feel real yet but it explains the way I have been feeling lately, why didn't I piece it together earlier? I would wait a while before I let anyone know even Ryan, until it sinks in that I am having a child. I take a shower and lie in bed.

​A child

​I have always loved children and I know Ryan loves kids as well. His face lights up whenever he sees her child, he makes silly faces at them and loves it when they laugh. I think he would be a great father but his he ready to be one now, he is just twenty-three and we are still at school. I stare into space, my hand on my belly. I know its still an embryo in here probably the size of a poppy seed but its still living. I wonder when it was conceived, I would know tomorrow when I get to know how far along I am.

"Mae" Ry calls from out the door.

"Yes" I answer and run to the bathroom to remove pregnancy evidences.

"I am coming in" he says and enters. I throw all the tests and the box they came in into a draw and close it up.

"Yes?" I greet with a smile as he opens the bathroom leaning on the frame.

"It's time to get to the restaurant". He is dressed casually wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I forgot we are having a casual dinner with the group on a yacht to welcome Raina and Larson.

"Give me few minutes" I say and try to move past him. He stops me.

"Is anything wrong?" he asks looking me with concern.

"No" I say faking a smile. I do not need him being suspicious of me.

"Are you sure?" he asks not believing. I put my hand on his cheeks and he places his hand on mine and leans into my touch.

"I'm fine" I say and lean up to kiss him. I walk past him and go to the closet.

"What should I wear?" I ask holding up to outfits. He picks one. I wear a two piece swimsuit and wear a black tight sleeveless crop top and blue denim shorts with a kimono jacket. I do my makeup lightly and wear flat sandals, carry my cross bag and walk out to meet Ry.

"Ready" I say and twirl, "How do I look?"

"Beautiful". He carries me and I chuckle, "We still have a little more time before we have to go" he adds kissing me.

"You should have said so before I got dressed" I say winking at him. I wipe my lip balm off his face and reapply mine. "Let's go" I say. He grumbles but we eventually leave. When we got on the dock, two siblings run in front of him and the boy hits Ry.

"Sorry" the kid says. Ryan bends down to the boys eye level.

"You are so strong, you almost knocked me off my feet" Ryan says holding the boy's tiny muscles. The boy starts laughing. "I bet you could knock me over with one blow" he adds. The boy punches Ry's arm and Ry exaggerates, falling to the grown and groaning in pain, the boy keeps laughing and runs with is sister shouting "I win.. I win" Ryan laughs and gets off the floor, dusts himself up and puts his arm around me.

'He is going to be a great dad' I find myself thinking.

"Hi" Ava waves as we walk up to her.

"If it isn't the lovebirds" Ry says smirking.

"Did you just get here?" I ask.

"Yes, we are waiting for the real ​lovebirds​​​​​​​" Lucas says looking at Ryan who chuckles. Jut then Raina and Larson walk unto the dock.

"Hi guys" Raina greets. Ava and I run up to her hugging her while the guys exchange 'bro-hugs'.

"I missed you guys" I say hugging Larson, tears fall out my eyes. Isn't it too early to be having changes in hormone?

"Why are you crying?" Ava asks. "If you cry, I will cry" she says choking.

"I just missed her so much" I lie.

"Guys, it's just been five days" Raina says starting to cry.

"Girls though" Lucas says rolling his eyes. The three of us punch him. "Ow, what was that for?" We ignore him as he rubs his arms.

We go onboard the yacht and have a good time. I ate like a lot of food and had to explain why I was hungry. Ava came to my rescue unknowingly and says I am PMSing. I would have thrown her overboard but they all bought it and so it is fine.

"Why did you not tell me with what we almost did before coming?" Ry asked.

"First of all, we didn't do anything" I say smiling and he smirks. "Second, I am not PMSing, just hungry" I explain. He looks at me and nods. We play board games after eating, laugh and dance. Larson suggest we swim and we all agree. The girls and I remove our clothes revealing our swim suit underneath, the guys just remove their clothes leaving just their trucks on. Raina has on a red square neck high-waisted cut-out two piece suit while Ava has on a solid white bikini top and orange high-waisted bikini bottoms. I am wearing a black strappy bandage high-waist bikini bottom and strappy top to match. The guys could not stop staring at us.

"Would it be weird if I ask you to wear this in bed?" Ry whispers in my ears sending electricity through me. I just shake my head at him.

"It wouldn't be weird" I whisper back laughing.

I don't know much about pregnancy yet but I don't want to risk diving into the water like the guys were so I gently take the ladder and enter the water, it is a bit cold. Raina and Ava follow. I swim towards Ryan and the girls to their partners.

"Hey" Ryan greets when I reach him.

"Hi". He pulls me towards him carrying me, I wrap my legs around him.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" he questions. I can't tell him I have a doctor's appointment.

"I have to finish up my project" I say, well it is not entirely a lie. I do have to finish up my graduation projects. We are all graduating next week and I am happy I had finished most of my project before Raina's wedding, we had our final exams during the month of Raina's wedding preparation, thank goodness for our parents who helped make the wedding happen. I just have to round it up other works and graduate. The group and I haven't decided where we are going for our graduation trip. Should I tell them I am pregnant before or after then?

"Should we do something at home after you are done?" Ryan pulls me out of my thoughts.

"I will let you know" I answer and kiss him. He deepens the kiss and I moan into his mouth. He kisses me down my neck and shoulder, he uses his teeth to pull my strap down my arm. One of his arms hold my butt up and the other caresses my back. I can't contain the moan that escapes my lips as he bites a sensitive spot on my shoulder. He quickly kisses my mouth to suppress another moan.

"Why aren't we home?" he groans as he stops kissing my lips and plants small kisses on my collarbone and shoulder blade.

"We can always continue at home" I reply kissing hos neck and shoulder.

"That's a promise" he says and places me back in the water.

***

I snuggle closely into Ryan and breath his scent in, I rest my head on his bare chest and stay there a minute. I eventually get up and walk past our clothes on the floor, the swim suit is still damp on the floor. I go into the bathroom and take a shower, I look into the drawer I kept the pregnancy stuff and quietly remove it and place it on top of the high shelf. I have the doctor's appointment in an hour, I walk into the shower for a quick bath.

"Morning" Ryan greets walking into the bathroom.

"Morning" I respond struggling to wash my back,

"Help?" he asks pointing to my back. I nod. Mistake.

Now I have thirty minutes to get ready and leave the house for my appointment. I quickly change to a flower pattern tight square neck sun dress and sandals, leave my hair to airdry and to my makeup. I carry my bag, kiss Ryan goodbye and leave. My heart keeps pounding as I get closer to the hospital. I already know I am pregnant but then with the doctor telling me, it would be actually be real. I text London that I am here and she tells me to come in.

"Hi" she greets hugging me as I step into her office.

"Hey" I respond and return her hug.

"Why isn't Ryan with you?" she asks as I take a seat.

"Well..." I trail.

"He doesn't know, does he?" she asks and I nod.

"I want to be sure before I tell him" I lie.

"Let's get to it" she says.

I do everything necessary and wait for the result.

"Let's see" she says looking at her screen. She stays like that a while not saying anything and getting me worried.

"London, don't keep me in suspense" I plead.

"Congratulation, you are pregnant". Now it's my turn to stare into space. I am pregnant, it finally hits me. I am with child, I am having a child, I am going to be someone's mother, someone's role model, me. No.

"No" I voice.

"Yes, your result is clear, you are pregnant"

"No".

"Four weeks to be exact". Four weeks, if that is true, this baby was conceived that night I came home drink and woke up with bruises and Ryan had those scratch marks. Of course, the one time I get drunk and do crazy thing I can't fully remember, I get knocked up. Fantastic.

"Mae, you are going to be a mother". Being called a mother by someone else sends me into a spin, the non existent food in my stomach comes hurling up. I grab her waste bin and hurl inside.

"Welcome to motherhood, Mae, It is awesome" London says smiling. Of course she thinks that, she has two beautiful kids with her husband and everything is probably perfect in her home. I, on the other hand, have a marriage where my husband and I don't share the same room. I know that Ryan and I are in a good place and would be in a better place if he tells me why he lied to me but for now it is anyone's guess. What is your guess?

"Thank you" I answer as London passes me Kleenex and mint.

I listen to her and even jot down what she lists that I should look forward to in the next couple of weeks, she reminds me that it is different for everybody. She confirms that right now, my baby is the size of a poppy seed, how cute is that. I thank her, make plans for brunch and leave the hospital

I put my hand on my belly has I drive back home, I am a mother. I do the next reasonable thing I know and go see my mother. She is excited to be a nana and my dad can not wait to be a called a papa. I might have omitted the fact that Ryan doesn't know when they asked me how he felt about being a dad, I tell them he is very excited. I hope he is, I should really let him know.

When I get home, it is dark out and Ryan has set up the living room for a movie night.

"Kitten" he greets as I walk into the living room.

"HI" I greet kissing him. "What's happening?" I ask admiring his work. There is popcorn in two bowls, smoothies and can drinks, crackers and Nutella and other food. I hope I can keep them down.

​ 'Please cooperate with me' ​I whisper my hand in my belly. I join Ryan on the couch under the blanket and snuggle against his chest. The movie plays.

***

I am five weeks pregnant and my child is the size of an apple seed. How cute is that? ​​​​​It is cute but the morning sickness has not been, I feel so tired and sick all the time and I am constantly bloated and always urinating, by breast still feels sore, hasn't been pleasant this past week but good news, I am graduating. Finally.

I turn in bed spooning Ryan, he pulls me closer to him, my bare back on his bare chest just feels right. I fall asleep again. I wake up to pee again and gently get off bed avoiding waking Ry up. I pee and stare at my reflection, I look like hell and thank goodness the squad just thinks rounding up school work is getting to me, it is but the pregnancy makes me feel worse. I look down at the electric shave and tooth brush in my bathroom, his lotions also sit on the counter. Ryan has been sleeping here everyday for a while now and I feel bad about not telling him, I feel especially worse when he holds my hair whenever I throw up. I sneak back in bed and cuddle against Ryan.

When I wake up again, Ryan isn't in bed but I hear the shower running. I am going to tell him.

"Ry, we need to talk" I say as he steps into the room with a towel hung low around his waist. Okay maybe later.

"What is it?" he asks drying his hair with a towel. I gesture towards him to come and he smirks before jumping in bed with me.

Two hours later he takes another shower and I join in. Ryan leaves to get ready with Lucas while Ava and Raina get ready with me. We dress up and leave the room, I wear a white slanting square neck small strap dress that hugs my body with a slit in front that stops mid-thigh. I pair it with a red shoe. We all drive to graduation together and have fun, our parents cheer as we collect our diplomas.

We then go to the venue for our graduation party. The party is dark, the only light visible is from the led lights, the dance floor lights and the one around the dj. The party is in full swing and I hope my friends don't notice I am not drinking. Our parents have left but my friend's siblings are still around.

"Hi, Mae" Ace, Ava's brother greets. Ace is Ava's older brother and he has been in France for a couple of year now, he is older than Ava by two years.

"Hi, A. I didn't know you were back" I greet hugging him.

"Yes, just did for your graduation" he says pecking me.

"You look good" I say and it is true. He doesn't hold a candle near Ry but he is still a handsome man. The tux he is wearing is doing him justice.

"Thanks but look at you" he says and twirls me. "You are looking so fine, puberty did you well, now I wish I had given you the time of day when you were in high school" he says and we laugh, I know he is teasing 'cause he has a wife now who is absolutely gorgeous.

Ryan holds me tight close to him. as you've probably figured out, when I was in high school, I had a major crush on Ace and It doesn't seem like Ryan forgot.

"We are both married" I whisper to Ry, my hands on his jaw drawing his attention back to me as we are dancing. He can't seem to stop staring at Ace giving him the stink eye.

"I know'' he says and draws me closer to him as Ace looks my way and winks.

We party the night away, laughing and dancing all through until it is time to go home. We crash at Lucas's home as it is the closest to the venue.

The next day, the girls and I have a quick shower change, we all have clothes in each other's home, and go out for brunch leaving the guys at home.

"I am pregnant" I blurt out to the girls. I had to tell them, couldn't keep in a secret anymore. Ava spits her food out while Raina's drink goes down the wrong channel sending her into a fit of coughs.

"What?" Ava shouts.

"I. Am. Pregnant" I say slowly.

"Are you sure?" Raina asks.

"I confirmed with London" I answer.

"How far along her you?" Ava asks.

"You seem calm... when did you find out?" Raina asks. I take a deep breath.

"Five weeks and I found out last week" I answer.

"So when you almost killed me on the road and I said maybe you have PMS was when you realized something wasn't right?" Ava exaggerates and I nod. Raina asks the big question:

"Does Ryan know?". I shake my head.

"Why?" Ava asks.

"I don't know, his he ready to be a dad? Does he want kids now? The last time we talked about having kids, he said he would want us to have one later after I am twenty-five, I am not twenty-five guys" I say and stuff my mouth with a croissant nervous.

"Take it easy, love" Raina says patting my shoulder.

"Everything would be fine"

"Just make sure you be the one to tell him, do not let him find out on his own" Ava says and we silently eat through out the brunch, each of us in our little thought bubble.

***

Six weeks pregnant and it feels like I have PMS on steroids, every symptom is worse and I feel so sick every morning. Ryan is worried and wants to take me to the hospital, he almost dialed 911 yesterday because I wouldn't stop throwing up. I really need to tell him. I walk into his office and see him pacing around talking to someone on the phone. I walk round his office and discreetly hold on to the shelf as I feet a bit dizzy.

"What is up, kitten" he asks as he ends his call.

"Ry, we need to talk" I say and sit on a couch, he joins me.

"Before we do, I have something for you" he says and quickly goes to his table, he returns with a file and gives it to me.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Open it" he says smiling. I open the folder and can't believe it, there are two tickets to Ireland in it and a picture of a beautiful castle.

"Are you serious?" I ask breaking out into a smile. I have always wanted to own a castle since I was a little kid.

"Yes, I got you one and we leave tomorrow. Think of it has a belated graduation gift" he says. I get up and sit on his laps and planta big kiss on him.

"Thank you" I say close to tears. I don't know if it is the hormones or because I am really touched by my gift.

"This is why I lied to you before, I wanted everything to be finalized before I let you know. thanks for trusting me" he says and kisses me. Right now, I do not think the universe wants me to tell him about our baby yet.

"Let me give you a belated graduation gift in return" I say and unbutton his shirt.

***

Bags packed, all dressed and ready for the airport. Ryan and I are driven to the airport and quickly board the private plane. We arrive in Ireland and there is a helicopter on standby, Ryan flies us to the castle taking the scenic route. We finally get to the castle and it is so beautiful, better than I expected. The exterior looks really hold but the interior had been modernized with a fitness room fully equipped, a library, kitchen fully stocked, indoor and outdoor pool, a beautiful garden, to list a few. Ry leads me to our room and I decide to shower first to rid myself of the travel musk.

I enter the beautiful bathroom and I just know something is wrong when I first hear my phone ping alerting me of a message and then it rings, Ryan answers but I do not hear him say anything. I walk out the bathroom to ask what's up. He drops mu phone and stares at me. It takes one question to send my heart to a beating frenzy.

"You are pregnant?".