If she's in some kind of heaven, she's probably having the time of her--well, afterlife,--while I'm stuck here having nightmares of when my worst fear came true.

No, she'll remember me. Maybe she still loves me. Maybe she thinks about me every day.

Or maybe she hates me for not catching the disease while she still had a chance.

Or maybe she hates me for remarrying.

Or-"Paul!" Nancy wore a concerned look. Have I told Nancy how much I love her? I don't want to make the same mistake twice. But if I tell her I love her more than I told Linda I loved her then it would be as if I loved her more, which isn't true. But I don't love her less. ARGH! WHY DO I HAVE TO ANALYZE EVERYTHING?? I told Linda I loved her for 29 years. Constantly. Did she know how much I meant it?

"Paul!!" Nancy clutched my shoulders. "Focus on me, Paul. You've done no wrong. You can't keep blaming yourself! Please, I can't stand to see you like this," She was on the verge of tears. Look what you're doing to her! All you do is cause pain everywhere you go! You're useless! I pulled her in for another embrace, and I felt her tears on the back of my neck.

"I'm sorry," I clutched her tighter. "I'm so sorry,"

"I love you so much," She whispered. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that... I can't possibly imagine what that felt like..."

I couldn't describe it if I had a million words, but I tried. "It hurt at the time, but I'd been preparing myself. I tried to keep going, tried to remember the good times, but it just made me miss her more. There's a vast difference between hearing that your wife died and actually watching her slip away..." I was crying again. "Through those long years of cancer, she told me not to get depressed and start drinking or doing drugs again..." the painkiller was wearing off once more. "...So I tried... I tried so hard to stay strong... and I found you... and I love you so much... but you remind me of Linda... and I can't stop thinking about her... I just... I feel like I let her down, not catching her disease... I don't want the same thing to happen to you. It seems like whenever I get close to someone... they... they pass away..." It was difficult beyond belief to tell her something so personal, but I knew I had to. I felt better, knowing somebody else understood.