LOVE AND THE CYNIC

BLUE KISSED me. The damn manslut fucking kissed me!

"This one looks good, too! What do you think, Zar? Zar? Earth to Zar?"

Someone touches me, pulling me out of my half-asleep, Blue-dazed head. I stare at Liv, whose perfect sleek eyebrows are arched at me.

"What?" I ask flatly, silently grateful for the cold air that was helping my face from getting warm.

"Nakatulog ka ba talaga nang maayos kagabi? You look like shit," she says unapologetically and resumes modeling in front of the mirror to check her dusty blue V-neck dress that hugs her figure gracefully.

"That's hot," I comment and rub my face to get rid of my sleepiness, but a big yawn comes out of my mouth, making me feel even more sleepy. Dekára.

Nagpasundo na lang ako kay Liv dahil hindi ko kayang magmaneho na wala akong tulog. I told her I slept fine, enough to keep me awake for the rest of the day, but the truth is, I haven't. Hindi ako nakatulog magdamag kagabi dahil hindi ako pinatulog ng halik na iyon. That fucking kiss kept me awake until dawn.

Napapikit ako at agad na sumagi sa isip ko ang halik niya. Shivers of awareness cascaded all through my body and I can feel my blood stirring. Mabilis kong nakagat ang labi ko. It was the softest and briefest kiss I had, and yet it had the most impact. It's like you had a taste of your favorite food, and it was suddenly taken away from you before you even had the chance to enjoy it.

What the fuck am I thinking? Favorite food? Enjoy that rogue's kiss?!

Oh my God! Natampal ko ang noo ko. I need to fucking sleep. "Anong oras ba iyong schedule ng spa appointment natin?" I ask, because I badly need one.

"That's later, isukat mo muna 'tong damit mo." Cynthia passes me the bridesmaid's dress. I look at it and stopp myself from groaning.

Weddings...ugh!

Well, at least Cynthia doesn't know what her future husband is up to lately, because I can't handle any more stress.

Bagot na bagot akong tumayo at naghubad ng pang-itaas ko. "Zar," Angel protests. "May fitting dress sa loob."

Lumingon ako sandali. "Wala namang tao."

"Kahit na, mas mabuti na iyong nag-iingat. Malay mo, may nakatagong video camera d'yan."

Umikot ang mga mata ko sa lawak ng imagination ni Angel. Really, I think dryly. All I'm showing is my bra, not my boobs. Ano iyon, hindi pwedeng mag-bra sa public pero sa beach okay lang? We're not even in public. This is a private bridal shop and we're the only scheduled costumer this morning, maliban sa wedding organizer ni Angel at ang may-ari ng shop—who have been chatting somewhere.

Besides, I'm not really shy with my body despite how I dress. I even did a photoshoot with bikinis, lingerie and nightwear, and they've seen me in those. So what's the big deal?

I huff a depressing breath and drag the dress with me. "Careful with it!" Narinig ko pang habol na sigaw ni Cynthia habang papasok ako sa fitting room at nagbihis.

It's a crossover long dress and the color is achingly familiar to me it makes my chest hurt.

I clear my throat and blink a few times, chasing away those hot tears. I leave my jeans on and step out of the dressing room.

"Oh, Zar! You look so beautiful in it," agad na sabi ni Cynthia nang makita ako. "I sometimes forget you're hot because of those shapeless clothes. It's depressing!"

"I agree." Liv smiles. "It will make your eyes pop. Are you going to wear contacts again?"

Hindi ko na siya nasagot dahil lumabas na rin si Angel suot ang white bridal gown niya. It's an amazing strapless V-neck gown with a removable sleeve and an interesting bodice that's in contrast with its plain skirt.

"You look amazing, Angel! My brother will be stupidly speechless when he sees you!"

Angel giggles, at pati kami ay natawa. It's kinda hilarious because knowing what kind of personality Denzel has, it's hard imagining him being stupid and speechless at the same time. But then, it's not impossible. I'm sure Denzel will eat his own hands when he sees his bride. She looks so soft and beautiful, almost seraphic.

"Let's take a picture!" aya ani Cynthia at tinakbo ang clutch bag niya para kunin ang cellphone. "For teaser!" she says wickedly and winks at Angel.

"Don't spoil the surprise, Cy!" ani Liv.

"I won't, promise! Pasilip-silip lang, para hindi makatulog ang hampaslupa!" She even laughs monstrously for effect.

Napapailing na lang kami sa ka-sweet-an niya sa kapatid. She can go around calling him names all day. We all follow her to the wide body-length mirror and stand in front it, doing different poses. Nakailang kuha pa kami ng pictures bago sila napagod at nagpasyang magbihis na para makapag-spa.

I finish quickly because I only had to take off the dress and slip on my flannel shirt, so I decide to help Angel with her gown. It's made stunningly beautiful, but now that I'm holding it, I realize it was heavy as fuck. Hindi ko alam paano ito isusuot ni Angel nang buong araw nang hindi napapagod.

"Don't worry, it's detachable," Angel educates me sweetly when she reads my disfavor for the dress and shows me how. She reaches behind her and clicks something at the back of the skirt, peeling it off from the bodice and revealing another layer of the dress. "It's for the reception party, so I can move easily."

"Beautiful and functional. Impressive."

Ngumiti siya habang nakaharap sa salamin. "How about your dress? It's blue," she says as I help her get out of her gown. "Did you like it?"

"Yeah, I know." I thought they were picking coral or something nude, because Cynthia thinks it's more feminine and it suits a beach wedding. Hindi ko akalaing iyon ang kulay na pipiliin ni Angel. It's her favorite color, after all. And she's also after another reason.

"You know I won't take my lenses off," I tell her. Not until I know he's dead.

I feel her gaze swing my way, but I keep staring at her back. "It's been a year, Zar. Malay mo, nakalimutan ka na nila." She falls silent, and I can tell she's not even so sure about what she said. "You think he's still looking for you?"

I sigh. I'm not really patient talking about this, but it's Angel. She knows what I went through, and it's in her nature to be worried about her friends and to be overly concerned with everything kahit na hindi niya kailangan problemahin pa. So I shrug off that impatience.

"Even if Dad doesn't find me, Theos will." There's nothing that he can't find. He's ruthless, rich and powerful. He won't stop until he wins his mission—and I am his mission.

Maybe I'm lucky for lasting a year of not being found, but that's because I drastically changed everything about me—my name and my look. I went out of their radar and erased every trace of me that would lead them to where I am.

But I really don't know how much time I have left before they find me. I can only hope that time never comes.

Narinig ko siyang bumuntonghininga. "Just think of your wedding. 'Wag ako ang problemahin mo," I say to soothe her worries. "I'm fine. Everything will be okay."

She pouts. "I just want to see your blue eyes again."

Nginitian ko na lang siya.

Growing up with big blue eyes, kids made fun of me because I looked different. They thought I was a daughter of demon because I don't have the same black eyes as they had. But Angel was my first friend who never bullied me for how I looked before. She liked my eyes and she always told me they were her first love. She said I looked like the angel she saw on TV, and so she thought I was also an angel on earth.

But ever since my mom died, my eyes only reminded my dad of her, and he said they were evil and that he felt sick every time he looked at me.

I smile, hiding the bitterness rising up inside me. "Don't act cute. Hindi ko pa rin tatanggalin itong contact lens ko."

She sighs, looking dejected, pero agad din siyang ngumiti. "But it's nice you didn't dye your hair blonde again. It's been so long since I saw your natural hair."

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanyang isang taon nang maitim ang buhok ko, pero hindi ko itinuloy. Since she started dating Denzel, hindi na kami gaanong nagkikita katulad ng dati. It's not because she was in a relationship, their feelings are not to be blamed. I just have issues about relationships kaya ako na lang ang umiiwas minsan kapag nag-aaya si Denzel. I know, I'm a bad friend.

I look at my own reflection on the mirror and remember how many times I refused my friends when they tell me I should dye my hair blonde because it would make my eyes pop. I used to love everything about my jet-black hair.

But everything changed when Dad started to be the man I don't know.

I hated my father when I knew about his violence and I hated my black hair since then. I bleached it blonde when I was eighteen because I thought he would hate it—and he did. He said my dark ebony hair would at least make me look like I have Filipino blood running in my veins, something I got from him. Everything else genetic was handed down by my mom. My blue eyes, nose, skin and height.

My father, Richard Calvino Gonzales, is a Filipino. He used to be a marine engineer who enjoyed sailing from country to country. At first glance, you would think he's a Latino because of his tanned skin that he got from too much sun. He's tall and he's made up of toned muscles. He's handsome.

My mother was born and raised Greek. Xanthia Andretzi is a daughter of Argyris Andretzi, a powerful widower who owns a large shipping business in Athens. They were big in their town. Everyone knew who Argyris and her beautiful daughter were. She was a language teacher in Italy and when Dad was there for a short vacation, Mom fell for him as soon as she saw him. She used to tell me that Dad was the love of her life.

When Dad asked for my mom's hand from Argyris, it wasn't easy. Tutol ito sa kanila. So Mom defied her father and ran away with Dad and lived in Philippines. They got married here and had me.

Life was good until Argyris Andretzi suffered from a heart attack. Kinailangang bumalik ni Mama sa Greece kasama ako at si Baba. I was twelve then when I first met him. He was old and his gray hair made him look even more frail than he already was.

Argyris gave my mom their family business he had been running all his life, but he never accepted my dad for taking away his daughter 'til death claimed him.

Since then, my dad ran the business, and my mom took care of us and the house. She said she was better doing household chores than managing a ship she didn't know anything about. Dad provided for us and he was very generous with it. He would take mom out for dinner every Saturday night, surprise her with jewelries, and shower her with gifts. He loved my mother. He did—at least he once did.

That changed when Mom learned about his gambling. Nalolong sa pagka-casino si Daddy, and by the time my mom knew, it was too late. Nawala sa amin ang kumpanya, pati na rin ang bahay na kinalakihan ni Mama.

We moved from house to house because of his trouble with money. They began to fight, not in front of me, but I could hear them sometimes in middle of the night. Nagkakaayos naman sila kaagad kinabukasan. Dad would kiss her before he left the house, and she would smile at him like everything was still the same...

But now, I knew better. Those little jerks she would make every time he made a sudden movement, the stiffness around her shoulders when he was near, the slight flinch in her eyes when he kissed her on her cheek...it was all because she was scared he might hit her. She was afraid of him, but she never let me know.

When my mom died, Dad fell deeper into his addiction—at pati ako gusto niyang isugal. That's why I fled. Umuwi ako ng Pilipinas at tinulungan ako ni Angel na magsimula ulit dito nang hindi nahahanap ng nakaraan ko.

I don't know where he is now, but I'm pretty sure he's with Theos—not as his guest, but as his prisoner. Men like Theos thrives in pain. An animal disguised as a man.

Maybe I'm a coward for running away. For hiding. But I won't be like my mother. I won't be weak for a man who takes pleasure from hurting me, and I would never come back even if it's my father's funeral.

***

"ZAR, you coming?"

Napaangat ako ng ulo para tingnan si Liv. She's already stepping inside the elevator with Cynthia and the valet man who's looking after our luggage.

Checking my last notification from my old Instagram account, I log out and push my phone inside my pocket before joining them.

Just as I expected, a lot of my friends were asking about my whereabouts, kahit si Stav—one of my closest friends. He wanted to make sure I'm okay and sent me countless DMs, but I can't reply to any of them because I can't risk it. Theos knows him, and if I ever contacted any of them, he would know. He always knows.

"Did your brother really book everyone here?" Liv asks Cynthia. She sounds surprised, and who wouldn't be? Kahit ako ay nagtataka paano nangyari iyon.

"Si Kuya Denz? Are you kidding me? He would rather we sleep on the street than spend a cent! Kahit kailan kuripot iyon!" Cynthia badmouthed her brother like he's not her family. "Buti na lang may friend siyang generous. Blue owns this hotel, did you forget?"

"Oh, yeah. Kaya pala familiar iyong pangalan."

Stanfield Island Resort.

I almost snort. They even have their own fucking private resort. Ano bang business establishment ang wala ang pamilyang iyon?

"It's part of their hotel chains, and Blue gave this as their wedding present. Full accommodation with lots of freebies!" Cynthia squeals in excitement. "We should check out the spa! I heard they have hot springs and Jacuzzis! Oh, Angel would love it! She will be a pampered bride-to-be tonight!"

I should've come later, I think dryly. Hindi pa sumisikat ang araw, tumatawag na si Cynthia kanina para sunduin ako. It's not like I'll be late tomorrow. I just want to skip the final wedding rehearsal because I have it all memorized since day one. I mean, how hard can it be to remember that all I have do is to walk, stand up, smile and listen?

But Cynthia, being the control freak that she is, wants everything for Angel's wedding to be perfect, kaya damay-damay na.

"Sayang lang wala si Blue. I could've spent the night with him walking at the beach..."

"Why not? Hindi ba siya a-attend bukas?" Liv asks.

"Something about one of their hotels. I'm not sure about the details but he had to go and check. I hope he'll get here early tomorrow for the wedding."

My lips almost twitch into a secret smile. Looks like someone's not coming today.

That feels like a thorn plucked out of my chest. Iniisip ko pa lang na makikita ko na naman ang salot na iyon mamaya sa wedding rehearsal...

I can't believe how easily he disturbed me. I've seen him for only three days and he's already taken up my whole head and my whole damn life! This has to stop.

The lift stops and opens, showing to us an enormous floor of a balcony overlooking the limitless sheet of the sea.

"Oh my God! This is heaven!" Cynthia gasps and dramatically opens her arms, as if to hug the view. Nakita ko pa ang pag-ngiti ng valet sa ginawa niya habang hinihila nito palabas ang baggage cart.

"That is a work of art."

Natigil kami ni Cynthia para tingnan ang isang malaki at nag-iisang abstract painting na nakaagaw ng atensyon ni Liv. I don't know what it is exactly, but the colors that were used are beautiful and suits the place really well.

I can see why this resort always lands on top of the hot list of finest resort getaways in the world. Aside from the awe of the surrounding nature and the resort's out-of-this-world activities and adventure, it gives you that luxurious fresh summer vibe that makes you want to fall in love and stay forever.

Maliban dito sa hotel na tutuluyan namin, mayro'n ding mga nakapaligid na mga luxury villa sa buong resort. Those who can afford them buy them, some rent them, and many of us just dream about having one.

I wonder how much it costs, though. Blue basically paid—if not for free—for our accommodation and the private villa that the newlywed couple will be occupying tomorrow night before they fly to Europe.

Do I really want to know how rich he is?

I'd rather not.

Pagkatapos kaming ihatid ng valet sa mga kwarto namin ay agad kong tiningnan ang buong unit. I check under my bed, the corners of the room, the ceiling, the lights, and even the flowers for a chip. I know the Steele's state-of-the-art security management, but it's a habit I can't shake off.

Nang masiguro kong malinis ang lahat ay saka ako naglapag ng mga gamit. I immediately put my dress in one corner of my wardrobe before throwing my bag inside it. Iisang bag lang ang dala ko kumpara sa mga kasama ko. Cynthia brought at least four and a trolley only for her shoes. Liv brought two and a duffel. I only took what I needed, and I don't need ten pairs of shoes for a three-day stay here.

I guess it results from years of having to pack in such short notice every time my dad wanted to run away from his debt ever since we left Mom's childhood home. She would always pack for me and my dad's things first out of panic before hers, because that's what a mother does. She often ends up forgetting hers.

So I decided I'd pack my own things so she could pack hers instead, kaya nasanay akong dalhin na lang kung ano ang kailangan ko. That's why I don't get attached to anything. It becomes a burden.

Papalubog na ang araw nang matapos ang wedding rehearsal. The sun is dipping below the horizon and the lilac clouds fill the sky as it changes into brilliant red and orange—like a blazing fire. I can almost imagine how beautiful the wedding would be tomorrow if the sky looks like this. It's as if it's ripped right out of a fairytale.

Bumalik ako sandali sa kwarto para kunin ang cellphone ko because I left it charging when we were downstairs. The girls want to visit the luxe spa and spend their evening in the jacuzzi with a basket of exotic fruits. I don't want to join, but I also don't want to spoil Angels' night before the grand event. At gusto kong kasama ang cellphone ko doon, so that I'm not forced to listen to their never-ending gossip, and I can pretend I'm busy with something.

Tinanggal ko sa saksakan ang charger at nakitang hindi pa iyon fully charged, but it will do. I turn on my phone and check my schedule. Punong-puno ang linggo ko next week, and I suddenly wish I brought my laptop with me, but Cynthia would probably throw it away.

I notice I have nine missed calls, all from the same unregistered number. Sino kaya 'to?

Never mind. I open my Twitter. Nothing there. I jump to my Instagram, at una kong nakita ang sunod-sunod na post ni Cynthia. They're shots of the view from the balcony and her selfies. Next is Liv who posted a photo of the painting outside.

I'm busy scrolling through my feed when a notification pops up. It's a message from an unregistered number. Hindi ko iyon pinansin at tumulak na palabas ng kwarto nang biglang mag-vibrate ang cellphone ko.

Sinagot ko agad iyon nang hindi tinitingnan habang pinipindot ang ground floor ng elevator. I thought it must be Cynthia calling again. Baka iniisip niyang tinakasan ko na naman sila.

"Thought you wouldn't answer this time," says a man. His voice is a low and deep hum that reverberated everywhere inside me—like a wave of harmony making way to my core.

I know that voice. Kahit pa nakapikit ako, I can pick up his voice easily from anywhere. That's how pathetic he reduced me to.

So, he was the nine missed calls. Humalukipkip ako. "What are you up to now?" Hindi siya tatawag nang ganoon karami kung wala siyang balak mang-inis. How did he even get a hold of my number?

Duh! He's your boss, remember? He has easy access to your credentials.

"How's the accommodation? Is everything okay and smooth?"

I can feel the hair on my skin rising in goosebumps at the soft velvety sound of his voice. This isn't how he usually sounds like, but talking to him over the phone feels like he's a lot closer, intimate, than he actually is and ever was. His words sound like murmurs nuzzling my ear. They tickle the back of my knees.

Buti na lang at bumukas ang elevator. I need to move these stupid knees. "Hindi ba dapat ang kaibigan mo ang tinatanong mo niyan?" I snap and stab the buttons.

His chuckle even sounds like a guitar plucked and left to hum. "Denzel is a waste of time. Besides, it's you who I missed talking to and you're miles away from me. I can hardly kiss you from here."

Kiss. One word and I can already feel the heat rising to my face, scoring a blush on my cheeks. "If this call is not important at kung wala kang matinong sasabhin—"

"Is this not important?"

"Ang alin?"

"You, Zara," he states. His voice caressed my name exactly how I imagined it while lying awake on my bed. "Isn't this what people do when they miss someone? They call. Though I had to fight Kiefer for your number."

Oh, so I was wrong. Hind niya tiningnan ang credentials ko.

I catch my reflection on the silver panels of the lift as my skin tingles. The oversized flannel shirt, crazy hair, and ugly eyeglasses. I know how I look and it's not close to the classically beautiful women Blue dated in history. I'm not anything beautiful. I'm lesser than plain.

Xanthe had them all. The body, the glitter, and the spell. She had the face that would captivate any man's interest. She was the enchantress.

That's why I can't understand his obsession over me. Is he only playing? Every time he looks at me, it's the way his gaze makes me feel as if I were stark naked, the way my heart races with only his presence, the way he fills my head day and night. Lahat ba iyon laro lang sa kanya?

"Didn't you miss me at all?"

Nanliit ang mga mata ko habang kaharap ko ang sarili ko. Wake up, Zara! Not too long ago, you found him naked on bed with two women!

"Hindi," I say tightly.

He chuckles again, but it's now tinged with something...exhaustion? "You really don't let me down, kitten. You still make my boring day all better."

"Am I your entertainer now?"

"Oh, kitten. Entertainers don't fill up my head all day and they certainly don't keep me up all night. You're more than that."

Sure, I think with a roll of my eyes. "Do you usually call your flings like a lovesick boy?"

"Hmm...I don't think we've reached that point yet."

Oh, God. I hope not.

"I keep thinking," his raspy voice lowers into a sexy drawl. "If I continued that kiss. Delved in deeper—"

Pinutol ko agad ang tawag. Fucked up ass.

The lift opens and I step out, telling myself that no, I did not miss it. The erotic glide of tongue against tongue, the sensual touch of flesh against flesh.

If passion turns a woman into a martyr, if it's okay to let a man defile you, and if submission becomes a definition of love, then no. They're the damnedest thing that I no longer allow myself to want or even need.

***

IT'S A bright and sunny Sunday, a beautiful day for a beach wedding. The waves are calm, and the cool breeze is just as perfect as everything else is. As much as I don't believe in fate and destiny and weddings, I'd like to think it must be God sending blessings to this couple.

The ceremony is perfect and romantic, everything that everyone could have hoped for. Beautiful and heartwarming. Some cry as the couple exchange vows—which the bride and the groom wrote themselves—iyong iba'y tinawanan lang ang mga umiyak. And then there's me. Cynical as fuck.

But no matter how cynical I am about love, I still give Angel my best wishes because she deserves no less than what she has now. Happiness.

Guests start to move to the reception as soon as the wedding ceremony ends. Katulad ng mga bulaklak sa wedding arch, various shades of blue and lilac hydrangea make the reception look aesthetically exquisite. It matches the blue fabric covering the round tables and the center tables. Talagang hindi pinahalata ni Angel ang favorite color niya.

The sun is setting soon and I can't wait 'til the sky is covered with the last rays of the sun. This time, I would make sure to take a photo of it.

"Oh, Blue! You're so naughty!"

Naagaw ng boses na iyon ang atensyon ko at napasilip sa kabilang mesa. Blue's seat is over there with the governor's daughter and some few women who I don't give a damn about.

Wow...just look at them purr at him like a cat in heat. At mukhang gustong-gusto naman ng babaero na hinahawakan at pinagnanasaan siya.

Disgust makes me shake my head. I pull out my phone to open my browser and type: How to undo a kiss? How to erase the trace of his lips?

Umihip ang malamig na hangin at ginulo n'yon ang ilang hibla ng buhok ko. I blow some stray strands of hair that tickled my nose. I told Cynthia that I want a tight chignon, but she just ordered the hairdresser to give me a nice curl to soften my features and to do a simple ponytail. Mabuti na lang at hinayaan niya akong huwag magsuot ng bulaklak sa ulo. I don't want my head to look like a nest from the birds' point of view.

Now I'm close to wanting to cut my hair off if it keeps touching my nose and getting in my face.

"Really? Oh, you poor Blue. Are you okay?" another girl purrs. She kept touching his chest and his biceps. Kulang na lang isampa rin nito ang paa kay Blue sa lapit nito sa kanya. She couldn't obviously keep her hands to herself.

I frowned. I thought Cynthia said Blue wouldn't show up. Pero dumating din siya at the last minute via his private jet. Mukhang doon pa siya nagbihis dahil hindi pa maayos ang damit niya nang dumating siya. Cynthia even had to help him fix his tie and polish his tuxedo.

I haven't been present for the most part of the ceremony. I tried my best to do what I was told during the rehearsal; stand up straight, look like I'm listening, and smile. But it was hard keeping a straight face when the devil was standing across from you.

I tried to ignore him the whole time, no matter how seductive that roguish smile, or how utterly gorgeous his body was beneath that tuxedo. But there was no avoiding someone when you're in the same wedding, when you're a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman, and when he's standing opposite from you in the altar and smoldering you with his sinful, seductive eyes.

I did my best to ignore that little buzz deep and low in my belly every time his gaze clashed with mine. But his lips filled my head—and that kiss. It wasn't even a full kiss, for crying out loud! It was merely a peck on the lips, and yet it left me wanting. What more if he gave me deeper than that? It would be devastating. And it kept me wondering—how would it feel like? How would he taste?

You are pathetic, Zara. So pathetic.

I groan. Gusto ko na talagang iuntog ang sarili ko.

Tiningnan ko ulit ang cellphone ko. How to strangle a manslut, I type, and then I erase again.

Another burst of laughter and I stand up from my seat. Hindi pa bumabalik si Liv mula sa CR, and Cynthia is still happily busy taking pictures and taking care of our bride. I really don't want to be alone in our table, listening to those purring cats.

I grab my drink and walk over to the fences of the reception tent. May maliliit na table doon kung saan pwedeng tumayo ang guest saglit. I stand beside one and put my wine glass down while looking up at the sky. Any minute now...

"What are you doing here?"

My eyes fall to the owner of that voice. Blue is there, angling himself directly in front of me. Not to the other side of the table. "Not enjoying the party?" He leans forward to whisper the words in my ear.

I pick up my wineglass from the table in a knee-jerk reflex, trying not to let his warm, spicy scent wrap around my senses. But he's too close and he smells so annoyingly good.

"Ayos lang," I say flatly. I can't say much. I don't want to talk while my heart beats like a drum.

Inayos ko ang linya ng damit ko. Oh, I hate how he makes me feel so self-conscious!

"Not a fan of weddings, huh?"

I only answer with a shrug of my exposed shoulder. It's not that I hate weddings. I'm just not a believer of wedding vows and future promises. Where I'm from, I've seen marriages fail. I've seen family torn apart because of infidelity, betrayal, adultery and abuse. I've seen it all.

It's okay if people get married, have children and family, and I'm genuinely happy for my friend for finding a man that loves her and be with her forever until they get old. But that shit is not for me.

Naramdaman ko din siyang sumandal sa tabi ko nang ibaba niya ang basong hawak niya. I carefully move my elbow closer to my body, avoiding the chance of touching his.

"He's a lucky son of a bitch," he says as we watch the couple share their wedding cake.

Tinapunan ko siya ng tingin. Something about his cynical tone makes me think that he's feeling more than what he was showing. "What about you? Aren't you jealous?"

He winces as if he's wearing an ill-fitting shirt. "Nah, some people are just lucky in...life, I guess."

I search his features for a moment. "I don't think being lucky is part of the game. You've been with a pretty long list of women. Kahit isa'y wala kang napili sa kanila? You're, what, thirty-two? You're old enough to settle down. So what's holding you back?"

One side of his mouth curls up, but it's nowhere near a smile. "Now, that's a long question. Which one would you want me to answer first?" He chuckles when I roll my eyes at his sarcasm. "I'm thirty-four and I told you, I'm not the one who believes in...all these." He even twirls his finger for emphasis.

Ibinaba ko sandali ang baso ko at hinarap siya. I'd like to examine his body language more closely because it looks to me that his actions are clashing with his words. He once argued the actions can lie. But not him, apparently. And he's not even aware of it.

"Does love threaten you that much?" He can't even speak the word out loud. Love.

His eyes immediately harden like glass. Is he aware of it? "I didn't say I'm threatened. Why would I be afraid of it?" His eyes shift from mine as he raises his glass to his mouth to take a sip.

"See?" I point out. "Hindi mo nga mabanggit-banggit ang salita. I know you, Steele. You are afraid of intimacy...and I'm not talking about sex here," I add quickly when he arches one of his eyebrows, amusement dancing in his eyes now. "I'm talking about your fear of having someone close to you. To feel what those two have," I tell him, referring to the groom who's looking at his wife with affectionate gaze.

Love—when it's still warm and not cold.

"Really?" nanunudyo ang tono niya. His gaze bore into me. "I can't think of any better representation of intimacy than sex. You can't get any closer with someone than having sex, don't you think?"

I suppress a shiver with what he's painting in my head and hope to God he didn't see it. "Let me rephrase it, then. I'm talking about emotional intimacy. Not just slaking lust and physical needs."

He suddenly reaches for my hand before I can steal it back, and turns my palm upwards while holding my gaze with his piercing sexy eyes. "You're so compellingly proper, kitten, you make me want to smudge you a little."

Gusto kong bawiin ang kamay ko, but he only tightens his hold on me and starts to trace a light circle around my palm. Napalunok ako.

"Would you like me to prove my argument, then?" he drawls, his touch feeling like fire against my skin. Burning me. "How about a whole night of bed-wrecking sex? I'd be happy to demonstrate."

Pathetic traitor! I scold myself when I feel my body pulse and throb in places I never knew could tremble. He's so vulgar. And I find him disgusting and disturbingly attractive and it's starting to be a big problem.

Mabilis kong binawi ang kamay ko sa kanya, and this time he doesn't stop me. Manwhore!

"Kung isa na naman ito sa mga pickup lines mo, then stop trying because I'm not a cat in heat."

He laughs deeply. "I know you want me bad, kitten. Don't try to deny it. I can feel it from here."

I cough out a bemocking laugh, hating him for being right. "You seriously have a problem if you're mistaking my disgust for lust. Haven't you ever met anyone who said no to you before?"

"What do you think?" He smiles at me with brimming confidence.

"Oh, I get it. No one has refused your advances until me, and now, you find me a challenge. A curiosity you want to quench." I take my almost forgotten wine and drink what's left of it. "You know what, I think you better find yourself someone who's dying for your attention." I look at where he was sitting just a while ago. "Katulad ng mga babaeng iyon doon. You were too happy to be flirting back with them. Me? You wouldn't want to waste your time chasing a boring four-eyed girl who can't even dress up prettily for you."

His lips slant in a sexy grin as he runs his smoldering gaze over me, from my hair, my face—taking a little too long at my naked, no-eyeglasses eyes, and down to my dress as if he were picturing me in nothing but my skin. I suppress an involuntary shiver. "You think you're going to stop me from wanting you by covering yourself with those clothes you're wearing and by downplaying your assets? Think again, kitten."

My hands around my glass tighten. I can feel every cell in my body, every pore tightening with anger, but making a scene and ruining this beautiful event is not something I want to do.

"You're so full of yourself, Steele. You think I'd let you jump into my bed?"

He gives me a lazy smile as he takes a measured sip of his whiskey. "Your body wants to, but you're scared to let go."

"You're reading me all wrong," I say, eyes flashing at him defiantly. "I'm not the kind of girl who likes to sleep rough."

His eyes dangerously go three shades darker—as if what I said actually turned him on. "I promise to be gentle with you."

I give him an admonishing look, curbing the shudder that went all over my body. "Don't you ever get tired of flirting and seducing anyone that has no pole sticking between their legs? Do you do anything that has nothing to do with sex and women?"

Smiling, he averts his gaze as he twirls the liquid in his glass. Mukhang tuwang-tuwa siya na ako ang nabaliktad niya, when I was the one grilling him personal questions. Yet I ended up being on the other side.

"Believe it or not, I actually have a few hobbies that don't include sex," he shares, looking at me seductively. Pinigilan ko na lang ang sarili na batukan siya. He then puts his glass down and aims a challenging look at me. "If you're really interested, why don't we go out for a dinner? I'll tell you all about me."

I push my tongue into the side of my cheek and take a long deep breath, not trusting myself to answer. Baka kung ano pa ang masabi ko sa salot na 'to. Mabuti na lang at nawala ang atensyon niya sa akin nang makita niya si Keenan na papalapit sa amin.

Holding a glass of whiskey, he walks purposefully toward us with his eyes aimed at the man beside me. "Luther, you're making a scene, my boy," aniya nang makarating siya sa kinaroroonan namin. Just like everyone here, he looks dashing and smooth with his tuxedo and sleek hair.

Siya ang unang nakakita sa akin sa airport nang tumakas ako at umuwi sa Pillipinas. He was on his way to Dubai for business that day, and I don't know how he knew, but he only took one look at me to know he needed to call Olivia. Must be how miserable I looked.

He acknowledged me with a nod of his glass. "Is he bothering you?"

Umiling ako. "It's fine." I can handle myself around this serial womanizer if that's what he was asking. He can't do anything to me unless I let him.

Napatingin ako sa paligid namin habang nag-uusap silang dalawa. The bride and groom are already dancing and everyone is starting to take pictures of them. I don't know how this shameless rake does it, but he just makes me forget about everything. My rationality, my composure, my reasons...my world.

Hinanap ng mata ko ang mga kaibigan ko. Cynthia seems to be preoccupied dancing with Kiefer, and Liv is staring at us. Particularly, si Keenan. She doesn't even notice I'm talking to her with my eyes, asking her to come over.

"You don't remember her?" nahuli kong sinasabi ni Keenan kay Blue.

"Why?" Blue slides his puzzled gaze to me, looking as if he's trying to mentally connect some dots inside his head. "Should I be remembering you or something?" His eyes travel back and forth between each of mine. Confused.

Tumaas bahagya ang kilay ko. So the manslut doesn't really know me. Kahit wala akong salamin, he still couldn't recognize me. Even just a little.

Do I rejoice?

Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa kanya at kay Keenan, debating what to say.

Keenan's dark brows are so close, they form a bridge over his piercing eyes. "You didn't tell him who you are?"

From my friends' table, I see Liv stand up from her assigned seat with an unwavering glint in her eyes and a firm purse of her lips. Hindi ko alam kung para saan iyon, but I would gladly grab the chance to escape those too intelligent eyes.

"It's Liv," I blurt like a coward. "She's coming here."

Keenan stiffens visibly as he straightens his body to his full height, his fingers constricting the glass. "Damn woman!" he mutters just before he took his leave.

"So?" untag ni Blue.

I stare at him mutely. Oh, there are other ways to skin a man alive. And I will make sure to inflict pain—excruciating pain—as much as possible and take my time peeling every layer he has.

"Excuse me, kailangan ko nang umalis. I have to help Liv with some...things," I say as a wicked thought takes its shape in my head. I shouldn't be tempted, but I was. "Liv!" I call, brushing past him as I make my way to her. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang mga matang nakasunod sa akin, and I don't dare look back.

I wonder what kind of face the notorious playboy would make if he knew I was the same woman he danced with...the same woman who gave him his first taste of rejection?