Johnny

"He hasn't said a word since last night." I told Toby as we watched Lyle sit alone and eat his breakfast.

"He told you everything?"

"Yep."

"As in everything everything?"

"Dude, he gave the whole story yesterday and it was really hard to hear."

"Yeah, no shit." Toby scoffed as he took a hard crunch of his toast. "Imagine going through that alone."

"There's nothing worse than what he went through." I turned to Lyle and saw with his head bowed, twirling the oatmeal with his spoon before facing Toby again. "I just wonder how he's gonna be after this is over."

"If this is over." Toby corrected me.

"Say what?"

Toby sighed. "Look, he is going to have a very hard time being here and even giving him false hope–"

"False hope? He doesn't have any. Hell, we don't even know how he's doing, how bad the trauma is, or what he wants. We don't know any of that shit."

"And maybe that's okay."

"Uh no, it's definitely not okay. I mean, he's broken. He is cracked like a sinking ship and-Hey! Are you listening to me?"

Toby paused for a moment and stared forward to while we overheard someone clearing their throat super loudly much to my annoyance.

"Do you mind?"

"Nope."

Uh oh, I gulped, slowing facing the person I least expected to show up. Fucking hell.

"You know, I can still hear you two talking behind my back." Lyle shook his head and grumbled. "Next time, just ask. Yes, I'm fine. No, I'm not traumatized, I just need space. Can you please do that for me?"

"Lyle, I'm really sorry–"

"Oh, by the way... thanks for describing me as a sinking ship. That honestly made my day. I can't say I'm too surprised though. Rats always leave the sinking ship first."

"But I'm not a rat and you know that."

"Do I really?" Lyle asked with the most resentful scowl planted on his face as he walked away.

Once he was gone, I buried my face in my palms and shook my head. "Fuck."

"Damn. That was brutal."

"Tell me about it." I laughed. "Now he hates me too."

"He doesn't hate you."

"Did you not see what happened right now or were you just blind?"

"No, I saw. That doesn't mean he hates you, it means he needs a break. I don't blame him. Too much of you can be a real hazard."

"Oh bite me." I lightly smacked him on the head prompting him to snicker.

Toby and I then got up and dumped our trays before making our way out. The church bells rung and everyone followed suit to continue the endless activities from hell.

* * * * *

"So, I just heard back from Lindsay and I believe she's really digging me." Devon, one of the boys in our section, announced as we participated in Safe Place Circle. A time for us to express how heterosexual we are when in reality, they are about as straight as the circle we formed.

"That's wonderful." Camilla expressed as she wrote the notes down on a clipboard. "Would you say you've moved on from Gregory?"

"Gregory?" Devon scoffed in the most unintentionally flamboyant manner. "He is last year's news. Lindsay...is my future."

"So you weren't crying about him two nights ago?"

"Who told you that?"

Camilla straightened up in her seat and crossed her legs all prim and proper. "Maybe you should be careful who you share favors with just to see pictures of your old boyfriend."

"Oliver!" Devon shrieked.

"What?" Oliver shrugged. "I didn't say anything."

"He's right... He didn't, say a word. You did." Camilla revealed as she switched legs and flashed a dirty smile.

Devon's eyes widened as he buried his face into his palms, shaking his head. His embarrassment could be felt by everyone sitting in the circle which made me turn to Toby, who had his mouth covered as he tried not to make a comment. Meanwhile, Devon shuddered and began breathing heavily. He was literally about to break down in front of everyone yet nobody seemed to care.

As for myself, I couldn't just let him get humiliated like that so I opened my mouth and let out the first thought that came to mind.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Shit, I then closed my eyes and once I reopened them, everyone's eyes were on me. As it turned out, my frustration really projected louder than expected. Camilla gave me that prissy glare and tilted her head all while responding in a cold, collected voice. "Is there a problem?"

"Oh, there definitely is." I scoffed, despite seeing Toby's repeated signals to step down. He shook his head and waved his hand from side to side though I refused to let this shit happen.

"Please elaborate." Camilla calmly commanded.

"Well I for one, think what you did was so wrong especially since you know what happens when the guys here make a mistake."

"What happens?"

"They get thrown in the Safety Cabin."

"It's actually the Reflection Cabin."

"Whatever. It's still a goddamn torture chamber and you know it."

"Aw geez," Toby facepalmed while Camilla chuckled and marked something down on her clipboard.

Afterwards, she looked up and smiled. "I'll be sure to note that in your report. I will say though, I am quite impressed that you are getting out your repressed frustration with yourself."

"I don't have repressed feelings."

"Of course you do, but maybe that rage would be better channeled in the kitchen. At least there, you can make the world a cleaner place."

"But I'm not–"

"It's either that or another trip to that torture chamber you claim that it is."

Oh you dirty, little... I felt my teeth grinding against each other as I shook my head and sat down. The world around me slowly faded and I was left with nothing except my boiling rage. This place was awful. Truly, undeniably awful.

* * * * *

"You need to learn when to keep your mouth shut." Toby snickered as we washed dishes inside the kitchen thanks to my big fat mouth.

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Yeah, and you need to learn basic humanity."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Uh, it means standing up for the little guy."

"I would if that said guy wasn't gonna get sent to the cabin. Same with myself. I ain't gonna put my life on the line for that shit."

"Not even for Lyle?"

Toby stopped and placed his plate on the drying rack before letting an enormous sigh. He looked up for a moment and smiled before his eyes darted over toward me. "Of course I would, but you know I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because I respect him enough not to make him feel guilty for something I did."

"So you'd rather have him slowly combust inside that he'd want to die?"

"No!" Toby shouted, scoffing and shaking his head. "God, you're such an idiot."

"Oh fuck off."

"No, you don't get it. You really don't."

"Get what?"

"Lyle." Toby stood tall and approached me. "He literally poured his heart out and you didn't bat an eye."

"He poured his heart out to Chad who would've raped him if he didn't come clean which is wrong on so many levels."

"You're tellin' me. Lyle wants you so bad and loves you so much that it hurts.

"I don't know what to tell him. Sorry, I can't love you like that, my bad?"

"Okay, first off; Don't you dare let him down with those words. I will fucking gut you if that happens and secondly, are you so goddamn blind that you can't see the main reason he wanted to live in the first place, was for you?"

"For me?" I tilted my head and squinted. Where did that come from?

I backed up for a moment and chuckled. "Dude, he's not living just for me."

"How do you know? You've barely noticed how fucked up he's gotten since the ordeal. He didn't even wanna see you, since you were the source of his pain."

"That's not true."

"Look, Chad may have put him in a really terrible situation, but his pain was always about you. How he can't be with you, how much he loves you, how hard it is to accept the reason why it wouldn't work out, I mean do you know how many guys would kill for that kind of love? Hell, anyone would. He's the real deal and he's so strong, nobody even realizes it."

The way Toby's voice shuddered a little followed by the extended blink, was enough to show me what was really going on.

"Holy shitbags... you love him too." I gasped and pointed my finger toward him. "It all makes sense. You do love him."

"Oh, don't you dare put that shit on me. I'm furious, not in love."

"Really? Then why do you get a rise whenever you talk about him or at least smile whenever he's mentioned."

"Because he's my friend."

"No, it's more than just that."

"Boys!" Warden Marshall walked in with his cane and scowled at us. "Less talk, more chalk. This is work time, not the beauty salon."

"Yes sir." Both of us answered where he nodded.

We reluctantly got back to washing and drying, though the conversation didn't end there.

After clearing half of the remaining dishes, Toby leaned in and said, "Listen, you may think this is all just some typical emotional bullshit that happens in relationships, but this isn't that."

"It's not?"

"Nope. This is one of those situations you have to do right. You only have one shot to get this right and if you screw it up, he won't just stop loving you... he won't forgive you either. You do not want to be on the bad end of the forgiveness train."

"Why does it matter?"

"Well as someone who got stabbed in the back in front of an entire audience, I still can't forgive that asshole for the life of me."

His ex-boyfriend... The person in mind, reminded me exactly why my approach would bother Toby and so instead of arguing, I simply listened. "Lyle told me about him."

"Did he also tell you that it's my hatred for him that still kept me alive today?"

"Not really."

"Good, because that's something I've never even told him."

"Whoa." I chuckled. "You're really tellin' me that you haven't–"

"Yep. I am saying that I've never told him because that's not what he needs to hear. Especially when it comes to monsters like Chad. Lyle's good, but he doesn't always have to be the better guy."

"I totally feel you, man. Forgiveness is overrated."

"Yet somehow I'm slowly feeling like I can forgive him." Toby continued drying the dishes I handed to him in silence until we finished up. He faced me and spoke with the most honesty I've ever seen. "For the longest time, all I had was that anger. The hope that one day when I got out of this hellhole, I'd find my ex and I would show him what a real man is. It kept me alive even in the darkest times... Then Lyle came along."

Toby covered his mouth, though I still caught the chuckle he tried to hide. "He is so bright, he could light up the universe."

"You can say that again."

"Yeah, he changed things. I can't really pick out what things he's changed. What I do know is that there used to be this fog. A thick, suffocating fog. There still is, except now... now I feel like I can breathe again. For the longest time, I held my breath and hated everything, everyone, not even realizing what that was doing to me. Lyle saved my life. He doesn't know it yet somehow he's saving me-saving us, from ourselves. People like him are needed in this world. Not just for survival, but for living."

I felt a lump developing in my throat and my vision became blurry. Toby's words had resonated with me in a way I never expected.

"I know how much you love him, Johnny. It's not the way either of you want, but it's the truth. Don't try and fight it because it just leaves a bigger mess in an already messy situation. Go to him and let Lyle know what's happening, okay?"

"Sure." I nodded. "That won't be a problem, but if I'm gonna find him, I'll need your help with something else."

"What do I need to do?"

My eyes shifted around to see if anyone could hear before leaning in and telling Toby the master plan. He gasped loudly halfway through. "Wait, that's never gonna work."

"We still have to try though."

"I know, but how do you think this will go over. Rats lurk all around this place."

"Well it's a good thing you ain't one of them."

"True." Toby nodded.

"So here's the plan..."

* * * * *

Once I settled things with Toby, I stride on over to the laundry room and made my way inside despite the sign plastered on the door.

"Did you not read the sign?" Lyle asked in a notably sarcastic tone. "No more laundry past eight and I'm not getting written up for that bullshit."

"Don't worry, it's just me."

Lyle's ears straightened up as he turned around to face me with his jaw hung open. "Johnny? W-what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you."

"Of course you did." Lyle chuckled before turning back around and accelerating his process of loading the closest washer. I knew he would try resisting any sort of contact with me so I had to get his attention a different way. With hands and tender affection.

As Lyle quietly repeated some words to himself and packed the washer with laundry, my arms crept around his waist, slowly closing in on him. It brought this strange yet comfortable sensation through my body which immediately transferred over to him.

Lyle jumped and was about to shriek when I covered his mouth and shushed him. Eventually, he agreed to calm down and I uncovered his mouth before he swiveled his body. His face came about two inches from mine and was just red from all the blush.

"Are you okay?"

"Uh huh." Lyle nodded.

"You look all hot and bothered."

"I do not."

I stood there and crossed my arms, giving him the look. He then walked away and cleaned his glasses vigorously before putting them back on. "Alright, I am feeling rather hot right now, but it's not because of you. It's because this room is so toasty."

"Right." I snickered.

Lyle did the same until he wiped the sweat from his face and said, "So, what do you want?"

"Well I want to talk to you about something."

"Can't it wait till tomorrow?"

"Nope."

"Oh dear god, I knew it."

"Knew what?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I knew you were going to leave without me."

Say what? My heart nearly stopped when he said that. "Uh, no... that's not what I was gonna say. Trust me, I ain't leaving this hellhole until you're with me."

"You aren't?"

"Fuck no." I smiled. "You are the reason I'm here in the first place. So why would I come all this way just to ditch you at the worst place in the world?"

Lyle giggled a little and shook his head. "I guess when you put it that way, it does sound crazy, doesn't it?"

"Well it's not that crazy. At least by your standard."

"Are you saying I'm neurotic?"

"More like exotic."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lyle scoffed.

"I'm just sayin'... you definitely are something different and I love that. You're not just a carbon copy of the same guy."

"And you are?"

"Some days." I shrugged. I walked closer to Lyle and stood next to him. My arm gently placed itself around his head onto his shoulder. "I'll be honest, you do make me feel different in a good way."

"Huh. Didn't see that coming." Lyle remarked.

"Neither did I." My words brought a smile to my face before I rested my head on his shoulder. The two of us slowly sat against the wall together where I turned to him and said, "We're in this together, you hear me? There's no I or you in here, it's just us."

"I know." Lyle nodded.

"I'm gonna bring us home. I promise."

"How?"

I looked up at the polished, wooden ceiling. My eyes were glued to the fan that spun like my insanely, ridiculous world on an endless loop. With every revolution, I regained my breath to the point I faced Lyle again and told him. "We are gonna taking over this place and it'll be a complete shitshow, except it will be ours. This is our crazy mess... and we'll survive. We will survive and I promise you Lyle, I won't let anyone hurt you like that again."

"Thank you." Lyle whispered as he stroked my hair. The two of us remained silent as we stared up at the ceiling together, now more than ready to escape this awful prison holding us back.