Johnny

Damn it, I shook my head, clenched my teeth, and held onto the bottle of pills as the urge to swallow them rapidly ate away inside me.

"No..." I resisted. My hands trembled uncontrollably and I latched onto the bottle tighter before I hurled it across the room. A terrifying roar shook in my throat as I yelled.

The strain it took on my throat hurt like hell. I stared at the ground and trembled in fear. God, how did I end up here? How did I put myself in this situation? Why did I even... Why did I do this?

It was then, I felt the crumpled blue note in my pocket which I pulled out. My eyes closed once I opened it up and stared hard at it. I let out a deep breath and nodded before folding it and placing it back in my pocket. Shortly after, the door opened up but I refused to look.

"I must say, I didn't think you'd last this long."

Fucking Chad, I groaned as the devil himself strode on in acting like he was king of the world.

"Then again, you weren't any more impressive than the rest of the queers that come here."

"I doubt anyone came here by choice."

"Mmm... That's pretty true." Chad laughed as he squatted down next to me. "Nobody that prefers their own kind will admit they have a problem, let alone check themselves in."

"Why would anyone bother living in a place that treats them like this?"

"Well aren't you a grateful son of a bitch?" Chad scoffed, standing up and walking toward the bathroom. He opened the door and said, "Isn't this the cleanest bathroom you've ever seen? I mean, look at this highly efficient sink, this toilet that never clogs, and a shower-a bathtub with everything you could possibly need."

I sat there in silence as he went on to advertising the pantry and the nearby fridge. He opened the pantry door up as if it was a luxurious vacation to be won or a brand new car to be driven.

"The pantry is fully stocked with all sorts of food. Raisins, cereal, pretzels-Oh, and it gets better with all the options provided in this here fridge. You got some refreshing soda, an assortment of veggies, cauliflower; everyone loves cauliflower."

"I hate cauliflower." I answered as my nose wrinkled. "It's like broccoli with no flavor."

"Well it keeps you fed so it ain't like we aren't feeding you or keeping you clean. Consider it a privilege."

"Privilege?" I scoffed. The word struck me like a lightning bolt. A mix of shock, anger, and disbelief swirled through my body as I stood up and shook my head. "Really? This is a privilege?"

"Is it not?"

Wow, he's unbelievable, It took every fiber of my being not to beat the shit out of this sorry excuse for a man. In the end, I didn't. I couldn't. Not today. I was already in a bad enough situation, the last thing I needed was to make things worse.

While I didn't beat this scumbag to a pulp, I did bring myself over to the bathroom and opened up the bottom cabinet where I reached down and showed him the underlying truth to this insane asylum. "You see this?"

"Yep." Chad nodded. "What about it?"

"It's a knife. Sharp enough to slit my wrists, my throat, anything. There's still a few specks of dried blood from the last guy that used it. I'm sure he was having the time of his life the moment he decided to use this on himself."

Despite this chilling revelation, Chad kept a composed smile on his face while I put the knife back and swiped the curtains to the side. "This tub is large enough to drown yourself if you really wanted to. The water would fill up and you could die. You could disappear as if you never existed in the first place."

Chad still remained silent as I closed the curtains and marched over to the pantry. I swung the door open and reached for a specific box which I held in my hands. "The food may not be tainted but there's still this box of rat poison. I ate enough of the food to know everything is perfectly clean and realized the poison wasn't just there for flavor. It was a gift for anyone that couldn't take it anymore."

I put it back and shut the door to pick up the bottle I threw earlier. My eyes became glued as my fingers twirled it around before I clasped it in my palm. "That's not even the best part of all. Here, we have a lovely bottle of cyanide pills. I bet everyone just loves these."

"They sure do."

"But I bet they really love that desk with the ropes and the plastic bags to end their suffering." I laughed after planting myself down on the wooden chair.

In that moment, Chad and I locked eyes and the stage was set. I'd rip off the wool he's been pulling over everyone's eyes and he would have to take it.

With my rage in full gear, I shook my head and let him feel the burn of a thousand suns.

"This is not a respite, this isn't a quiet place for people to find peace or solace. This is a death sentence. This is where you send the already traumatized kids down further to the point they take their own lives. You should be ashamed. Not just for being an accessory to murder, but for honestly believing that you're doing God's work."

"I am doing God's work."

"Bullshit," I scoffed. "Even the most vengeful gods would think this is beyond humane."

"Well sometimes nature has to take its course." Chad cackled and sighed, completely dismissing how fucked-up this is. He flashed a dirty smile before turning away. "Also you're one to talk. You've only been here a day. Just over a day. Your little boyfriend lasted five days and somehow survived."

"Boyfriend? Are you talking about Lyle?"

"Who else would I be talking about? I know a queer when I see one. The way you greeted him speaks volumes. You're in love."

Love? As in romantic love? My jaw dropped and I stuttered a little. "Oh, uh...Actually, it-it's not like t-that. It's, um, it's not like that at all."

"But it is." Chad faced me again. "Isn't that why your note says he needs you?"

"You read my–"

"As I've said before, we have eyes everywhere."

Wow, I stood by as a chill went down my spine. He saw the note that gave me the hope and the will to survive. I closed my eyes and said, "So...what are you gonna do?"

"Well as much as I'd love to snap your little neck or watch you choke on your own blood, I will do as I always do for fresh meat... Send you back to camp and let you know this will last far longer if you dare to try anything like this again."

"And if I do?"

Chad became silent for a moment and scoffed. "You won't. Not if you want your boy to live."

"You'd kill him?"

"Nope, he'd do it to himself."

No... I shook my head and felt my eyes tear up. As this happened, Chad opened the door and said, "Come on, Seth. Let's get back to work."

I sniffled before rushing on out. I had to find Lyle fast and I had to protect him before it was too late.

* * * * *

"Where's Lyle?" I asked Toby once the coast was clear.

He continued picking tomatoes and after finishing off the last plant in the row, he turned to me and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to protect him."

"You're trying to kill him."

"Excuse me?" I scoffed at the fact he'd even accuse me of putting him in danger. "What did you just say?"

Toby let out a deep breath before pulling me down as we sat together on the earthy ground. He told me in a hushed voice. "Look, I know you're close and he's the world to you, but I'm not dumb enough to let you make the mistake you're about to make."

"What mistake?"

"The one where you plan on taking him and busting out of here."

Damn, he must've had a sixth sense or something. Even I couldn't have predicted that, but he was also right. This was the plan. I took a moment to catch my breath before responding. "And what's so wrong with that?"

"You're gonna get caught. You're gonna get yourselves killed. Trust me, I've wanted to escape just as much as the next guy, but it ain't that simple."

"So what are we supposed to do? Sit here until they caught? This place is untraceable. The government will never crack down in time."

"I never said that."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying... Take some time and plan. This may seem impossible, but it's not. There is an opening except it won't be there for long. Now if I remember correctly, weren't you and Lyle on some planning committee?"

"Sort of..." I shrugged while trying to remember how I planned for the school events which were nothing compared to this shit.

"Well then that's where you begin."

"Thanks." I nodded and got up to leave only to stop as this nagging feeling at away at me.

I turned back to Toby and asked. "Wait, did you say you've tried to escape before just wanted to?"

"I've only wanted to; Never tried."

"How come?"

"It kinda seems pointless to try when you have nobody on the outside that cares enough for you. So when it comes down to living free but homeless while shunned by my family, community, and everyone else or living in a  predictably passive life in this hellhole, I'd choose the latter. Does that make me crazy? I don't think so."

"It doesn't." I shook my head. "But you don't have anyone that cares?"

"Yep." Toby sucked in his lips for a moment and nodded. "That's why you two are lucky to have each other. Never forget that."

"I won't and keep in mind, we're getting you out of here too."

"Good luck with that."

"Yeah, we're gonna be just fine." I told him before taking my leave.

It wasn't long after I finished eating, that I searched through the crowd of beige gowns. It seemed impossible at first however, I did find him eventually.

"Lyle, wait up!"

The moment he heard me, I noticed him picking up the pace. Pushing through the crowd. I did the same and saw him sneak into a nearby cabin. I heard him breathing heavily on the other side before bursting inside.

"Ah!" Lyle shrieked as he grabbed a broken, metal pipe and swatted erratically.

"Hey, it's alright. It's just me! It's just me, okay?"

Lyle froze in place with the broken pipe and stared. His icy glare softened up and he put the pipe down before shaking his head. "Oh dear god, I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, man. I'm right here."

"Except that you shouldn't be." Lyle turned around and brushed his fingers through his hair. "You shouldn't be here."

"Why not?"

"It's too dangerous."

"For you or for me?"

"For us both."  Lyle answered as he slowly turned around. He stepped closer, sniffled, and wiped a tear off his face. "You... have no idea what happened before you got here, before I came back, before... before–"

"Before what?"

Lyle and I looked one another in the eyes. Our faces about three inches apart. I saw his body trembling to the core. His eyes squinted for a second. He looked up to me and scoffed. "This is madness. T-this... this is all my fault."

"No, it's not. Lyle–"

"I have feelings." Lyle stepped away and blew his nose into a tissue he took from a box on the dryer nearby. He threw it in the trash bin and sniffled with a forced smile on his face. "I've always had these strange, perplexing feelings. About who I can trust, who I can love, who I should love, and if I'm truly worthy of that love."

"Of course you are."

"Am I?" Lyle asked. His voice was weak yet hopeful at the same time. "Because I don't believe that. Not after putting the people I care about in danger since I was too careless to fix my own problems."

"What are you talking about? Dominic? Our friends? My well-being? I need answers."

Lyle walked over to the door and locked it before shutting the blinds. He sniffled and came over to me, putting his hands with mine. "It's time I told you what happened to me because I can't keep these secrets and these feelings inside me any longer. I just can't."

"Okay." I nodded as him and I sat next to the washer and dryer. "You can tell me what happened."

"Promise you won't be disgusted?"

"Well I can't guarantee that I won't be disgusted at what was done to you, but I won't be disgusted when it comes to you. You're my person, Lyle. You are... really important to me and I wouldn't judge you like that."

"Alrighty then." Lyle accepted as he took a deep breath. "Here's what happened."