I woke up in the early dawn; I hadn't a clue how I ended up back here. Something - a trip to Fukushima - a chance to explore - it was exciting - Oda Nobunaga?

I got up to pour a cup of water.

Something .... Damn it, why is my shoulder sore?

It definitely felt tender as I ran my hand across the fragments.

Treaty talks - something...

I peered into the cup.

Something unsettling ... something ...dark

There was no way I wanted to go to that place again.

Straightening up I took a good lungful of air. After a quick splash of water, I dressed more by habit than any actual decision making process, and it was only then I noticed it was raining.

Saizo.

My heart smiled, and with a stupid grin on my face went to get food.

A rain of a thick grey and white curtain rippled past me, the spray in the air suspended by heat. My cloak became heavier and my clothes clammy by the time I reached the Hall as it stuck to me, but I couldn't quite shake the unsettled feeling that rattled around my guts.

Wait!

The pendant...

Oda Nobunaga had a pendant

They wanted to take it from him and return it to Shai's sanctuary in the mountains.

Crap.

I'd been standing staring into space at the Hall entrance for such a long time someone was asking me if I was all right.

I wasn't really sure at that precise moment.

Turning on my heel, I went towards Lord Shingen's private chambers.

Things were starting to come back to me. Using the sound of my boots along the boards, I tried to piece some things together.

As I rounded the last corner, I shouted down the verandah:

"LORD TAKEDA SHINGEN - A WORD."

I thought at least it gave fair warning (or should anyone else wish to escape)

By the time my hand was reaching to slide the door, I still hadn't heard a reply.

"Fuck it."

I threw the door aside.

Lord Shingen was standing in his robe, his hair around his shoulders. For just a split second I thought he was the most ... awesome....Then I blinked and remembered why I was there.

The door clicked shut behind me, and he could see I was furious as every part of me bristled. I was trying to do this with more control, but hey, he shouldn't have smiled at me ...

I flew at him till I was under his chin; he looked down at me calmly, his hair falling forward to my face.

... (Oh wow)...

I took a step back, fuming.

"What do you mean I'm Lady Takeda??" I yelled at him,

"Have you completely lost your FUCKING mind??"

He looked serious, but not at all upset. I didn't give him a chance to speak.

"I. AM. NOT. A. LADY. !!"

"I AM NOT YOUR 'LADY'!"

(Yes, I used the 'air quotes')

"AARGH! ... FUCK!!"

I ran out of breath and words, so I willed my anger into his eyes. They never wavered, but I was too out of breath to do that again.

"Lady Tamara, you already are, except for a formal announcement"

All my brain managed to put together was...

'Oh'

Then ...

'Arrgh'

and then it capsized.

Neither of us moved - I was trying to process information and Lord Shingen just watched. I looked at my hands, my boots, my wrist cuffs, whilst my temper still simmered in the back of my head.

I thought of all the movies I'd seen...

all that fabric...

Shinshoni's fluid elegance...

remembered falling in a heap in a kimono on my first step ...

I giggled.

What a fucking stupid idea.

I laughed, then sought Shingen's eyes.

"AND I CAN'T FUCKING COOK!!"

Lord Shingen burst out laughing, and turned his back to pour a drink. I'd never seen him with his hair down before, it changed his face somehow ...

"Tamara."

"Huh? What?"

I tried to get angry again, but it was too tiring, just simmering would have to do. He was handing me a cup.

"No thanks" I backed away, suspicious; too many drinks lately have had odd effects.

I shouldn't have turned away, he grabbed me by my cloak, pulling me back sharply till I reached his chest. His arm put the drink back in front of me.

"Drink. You need to calm down."

Fuck it, if it meant I could get some distance between us... I'm sure it was just water, but I still waited for any side effects. Shingen took back the cup and I went to walk away. All I did was move to the edge of my clothing and back.

"What ... milord." My tone the rattling lid on my simmering temper pot starting to boil over.

He just held me for a few seconds (I swear I was going to kick him if it had gone on any longer), then picked me up between my cloak and my ribs and put me in a cushion, settling himself on the floor in front of me.

"It is the only way you can get close to the pendant, any other role ..." He shook his head, from his expression I saw he had explored other options.

"Since Nobunaga has found that little wife of his he's been even more ... irritating ... but it was him who called for the meeting."

Bloody friggin' politics. The whole thing was a chance for Nobunaga to appear the stronger; the pendant was just a small part of how complicated this was going to be.

Everyone would be mega paranoid, it sounded thoroughly tiresome.

"Eeeww" Shingen looked up, as I saw rounds of boredom.

"No, sorry, (I pointed at my head), pictures"

A silence of mixed emotions settled between us

"Ah, ... er, ...ah,

...so, ...

I'm...

Lady Takeda."

I narrowed my eyes at Shingen, "Exactly just how long have I been Lady Takeda anyway, hhmmm?"

Lord Shingen did the closest thing to a Saizo smirk I've ever seen.

I remembered what Saizo had said on the castle wall 'Would it be so bad to be Lady Takeda?' - He knew! Bastard! And I told him not to be so ridiculous - CRAP. I sighed and looked at the ceiling.

"Now what?"

Don'tsaykimonodon'tsaykimonodon'tsaykimono

"We could consummate the agreement."

He leant forwards and I saw that predator flash of his, and pushed him away.

"What's wrong with you?!" I shouted, jumping up and away from his reach.

Lord Shingen only laughed harder at me.

"We need to find a way to present you, there are protocols"

"Yeah, right, that I wouldn't understand, I know." I huffed from the other side of the room still not convinced I was out of his reach.

He stood up and walked over to me and I found I was backed against the corner wall. I kept my arms firmly crossed against my chest. He kept his distance though, and just towered above me still with a hint of a smile on his lips.

"Tamara."

"What." I pouted, and before he could say anything more I squarely met his eyes and asked: "Look, can you put your hair back up? It's ... it's ... kinda distracting."

Damn it I wish this whole blushing thing hadn't come back, it was embarrassing.

A look of complete surprise landed on his face and he blinked a couple of times.

I dropped my gaze and studied my arms, if he was going to say anything, I didn't see, I just heard him move away and then come back. I carefully looked up, his hair was in the more familiar swept back pony tail, even if it was crooked, but his robe appeared to have lost its grip on his shoulders, it was like switching one distraction for another.

"I don't think I can do this."

All I could see in my mind was my last night with Saizo, and as I raised my head, two images seemed to overlap, two such different men. Saizo's image reached out to me, but as I blinked I saw it was Shingen's hand. I couldn't go backwards any further,

"Saizo." I exhaled into my arms.

"Tamara, where do you think Saizo has gone?"

I had to admit I had no idea.

I knew he often went on other missions out of wartime. But I knew for absolute certain he would come back. Come back to me. Lord Shingen continued, seeing I was lost in thought.

"He's back with the Princess."

My head shot up, for a moment hurt, then the memory of that night in the rain came and I found I could let it go.

It was just a mission.

Watching me intently, Shingen must have seen exactly how my mind was working. His warm hand was now on my forearm, and I stared at it.

"This is your mission, that's all this is. I will release you from the Takeda name after it is done, if that is what you wish."

I shut my eyes, somehow I didn't believe him, too many other engineered pieces, too many details. A quiet long-term strategy of his that took advantage of my ignorance, and yes, naivety of this reality. I thought this whole 'mission' was just another opportunity - to take - he had said more than once he was used to taking what he wanted. I didn't want to be 'taken'. I was not in my right mind when we ... (God I wished I wouldn't blush so easily now) I was in that dark, twisted place. Now I was me, a less damaged me, a stronger me, and the thought of being so easily manipulated made me ...

made me feel ...

stupid ...

angry ....

I sighed; I was trapped all over again.

This was going to go forwards regardless, I just had to find a different way of coping, and I didn't have a clue where to start.

I'd almost forgotten he still had his hand on my forearm; I was so deeply in my thoughts. Lord Shingen hadn't moved, just watched me wrestle with my conscience. I shut my eyes again - why wouldn't my brain come up with something useful? I knocked my head sharply backwards on the wall to clear my head.

"Aaargh" I breathed out, keeping my eyes shut.

Shingen took that moment to draw me to him, still with my arms crossed against him. I struggled briefly but there was no point, he held me without effort.

"You can do this Lady Takeda."

It was the first time he had used the title, "Let me show you I can protect you. Be at my side and we can retrieve the pendant and wipe a bit of the smirk that ... Child Lord ... seems to always have on his face."

It dawned on me that he had presumed I was wrestling with the idea of the 'mission' itself, not my recurring difficulty with him personally. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

Somewhere as I was still thinking, I heard my mouth finally agree, and my sense of morality gave me a vicious mental slap. It also called me a whole series of names, which I steadfastly refuse to write. I had a sinking feeling I had agreed to a whole host of things I didn't know about.

"We leave in three days time."

Now my brain was shocked, three days? How could I begin to grasp the convoluted crap I no doubt had to in three days? Shingen released me as he felt me go rigid, pushing me back to the wall with his hands on my shoulders.

"Lady Kaoru will be with you at all times, you will learn along the way."

He paused as he saw I wasn't buying it,

"Tamara, you will get to see more of the Takeda lands, Shinano Province is beautiful as the leaves turn."

As nice as that picture was, I couldn't help but remember how things ended up the last time we rode out together.

At that point his demeanour changed, perhaps finally working out my reluctance. He let me go and turned away, I could hear him softly chuckling to himself as I slid down the wall and sat there staring at his back. Whatever else would have been said was interrupted by the sound of footsteps, then a rap on the door.

"Lord Shingen." It was a retainer, Shingen didn't move but called "Yes, what is it Aiku?" I was impressed, he must have recognised the footfalls.

"Those you commanded await you in the Main Hall."

"I will be there presently" He turned to me, "Lady Kaoru will be expecting you in my Council Rooms" His amber eyes flashed as he smiled at me, "Or you can stay and watch ..."

I was already at the door, and out, his laughter fading quickly as I strode off along the verandah.

Three days.

Three friggin' days.

My hand was just about to knock on the door when Shai's soft voice invited me in - whether the words were in my mind or my ears, I wasn't sure. She came to meet me, and all my control went, I burst into tears. I tried to stop, angry with myself, but they came from somewhere so deep in me they saw themselves out.

"I'm sorry" I sniffed, trying to get a grip, Shai remained silent, just guiding me to sit and returned to hers at Lord Shingen's desk as I put my head in my hands. I had to find a way to cope with this ... this ...morality, this conflict.

"Tamara, you know how to cope with this, you've coped with far worse, now you can use what you discovered in a different way, a more powerful way and not at the expense of your mind ... or your heart." I looked at her, seeing Saizo in my mind.

"What you found was still a part of you, your strength of will, it will change nothing between you to do this." I still felt so conflicted, that what I had agreed to was 'wrong' on some deep level.

"He thinks of you too." She said kindly, and it gave me some small comfort that regardless of his mission, or mine, it wouldn't change our hearts.

I was being selfish, wallowing in my feelings, this whole venture depended on so many things and I decided then I wouldn't be the weakest link. I had to find that blind, blank strength I had before, but this time I would protect my heart, not crush it.

"OK" I finally said with a bow, "Lady Takeda, reporting for duty."

Shai's eyes sparkled as she laughed.