I was able to keep a low profile as we returned to the castle, save for Ryo crying at my safe return. There were a lot of injured to attend to and I saw Shinshoni as she helped tend the wounded. She sent me a bright smile, looking relieved to see I was not among them, and after finally washing the dust from my body and hair, I sat alone in my room.

It didn’t feel like the sanctuary it used to be, everything so familiar seemed colourless, like a set pieces on a stage. For all the healing, the mending, having Saizo back in my heart, some part of me felt I had lost something along the way and I didn’t know what it was, but it brought tears nonetheless.

I roughly wiped them away and looked for something to do.

The rituals of caring for my katana and boots seemed hollow, from feeling nothing to feeling so much, this was just as difficult. I knew there would be a gathering in the Main Hall, but decided to stay in my room and keep to myself. It was the first bit of ‘alone time’ for what seemed like an age, and as I curled up in the crisp, clean bedding it felt nice to be alone.

Woken by a light rapping on my door, I opened my eyes to see the bright light of morning filled my room. I recognised the shadow and beckoned Shinshoni to enter. The two dogs tumbled in and overtook her, swamping me in a welcome, but as she saw my face twist in pain as I tried to get up, she shooed them off me and back out the door.

We hugged so fiercely my ribs complained, both of us in tears, then she held me at arm’s length saying:

“You’re back! It is really you Lady Tamara!” And we hugged again.

Although I made some attempt to thank her for all she was to me, she brushed it aside, more concerned with checking my injuries. She gasped as she saw my back, and leaning over my shoulders exclaimed:

“Someone has marked you Lady Tamara.”

There was a second of silence, then she started to giggle and turned me to face her, wearing the same expression of mischief I had seen her father wear, it was disconcerting to see it in female form in front of me.

“Saizo!” She clapped her hands excitedly and I turned instantly red.

She giggled again and hugged me. Sitting next to me she sighed, it was heartwarming how happy she seemed to be for me and I couldn’t stop the fire in my face. This reality certainly was open minded about so many things. Another soft rapping on my door broke the moment.

“I had breakfast sent for us.”

Shinshoni said, moving to the door and ushering in two more ladies with trays. She bustled them both out quickly and we sat and ate together, and although she asked many questions, I was mindful of my answers and in steering the conversation deliberately away from details, I remembered she was her father’s ears.

Still, her company was sweet. There would be a formal gathering in the Hall that evening and I knew she would be shocked at what I had decided.

“Lady Tamara! No! You can’t be serious!”

“I am totally serious Shinshoni, I want to be in the ranks as I went to battle for the Takeda Clan and not on the dais.”

She was totally perplexed, so I added:

“I’m sure your father has more than a few more worthy, and more beautiful, more … fitting to be at his side than me.”

She looked at me and I could see she was holding back tears.

“Has something happened between you and my father?”

“That’s something you’ll have to ask him for yourself Shinshoni.” I stared at the food trays.

“I don’t understand …” She trailed off.

“Neither do I …” I admitted.

Her mood bounced back quickly though and her energy was contagious, we agreed to meet up later in the day, and I stiffly (with a smug grin), dressed in my regular clothes and went to the stables, hoping I could disappear for the day.

The sky was looking darker I noticed as I left my room, the clouds almost promising rain, everywhere was so parched now, even the slight breeze wasn’t refreshing as it chased the dust around the courtyard.

Lost in my thoughts I didn’t see Saizo appear in front of me and ran straight into him. He caught me by the shoulders and I grimaced as he landed straight on bruises. I looked up to a smirking face, not at all bothered by my reaction, and then in broad daylight he took the back of my hair and drew me into a kiss. All of me burned red I was sure; there were eyes everywhere out here.

“Saizo, please!” I gasped

“Anytime little lady, since you asked nicely.”

He pushed me towards the stables and was gone again.

“Me and my big mouth.”

I groaned to the clouds, I was probably going to pay for my verbal error at some point I knew it, but a smile stayed on my lips as I went on my way.

I checked Jin’s small injuries and spent some time just immersed in the stables, I knew from experience the drinking would probably start soon after the debriefings and hoped I could avoid it all as much as possible. When a red-faced, out of breath page found me late morning, my stomach dropped.

“Your presence is commanded to the Council Rooms.”

Well, that was a new one, but as I thought back it was probably about my outburst on the field. I felt like I’d been called to the Principal’s Office, so making myself look as smart as possible, I went to face my fate.

My nerves were making me jumpy by the time I arrived and as I was ushered in I saw the same group there as the night before the battle, Lord Shingen once again sat at a desk with a large map upon it, Lord Yukimura and Saizo were on the right of Yukimura’s father, there were four other generals and the only extra was my troop commander.

Looking only to Lord Shingen as he beckoned me in, I stood trying not to fidget; all these powerful men had their eyes on me. Lord Shingen stood and came around the desk; he looked so formal my stomach fell to my boots.

“Lady Tamara”

I bowed to him without kneeling and he crossed his arms and looked down at me, his face almost cold, and his eyes sharp. He was daunting to be this close to.

“You showed your skill on the battlefield where many thought you would fail”

He looked pointedly at the generals to his right who shifted uncomfortably.

“You were able to make a quick decision and showed no hesitation when it mattered, saving lives and enabling us to push back their front line.”

I started to bite my lip; he was quite intimidating to be this close to, despite his words. He put his hands on my shoulders, making me jump.

“You may have been … slightly overwhelmed … but many trained men have in the midst of their first battle. You proved you have a true heart …” He met my eyes, “… a Tiger’s heart,” He spoke the words softly before raising his tone again, “And bring honour to the Takeda Clan.”

Words of praise flowed around me, but Lord Shingen still had his hands on my shoulders and was keeping my gaze locked on his.

“Lady Tamara, we will drink in your honour.”

The echo of a smile traced his lips as cups of sake materialized. He released his hold to hand me a cup. Never had I wanted a drink so badly. I was sure he could hear my heart thumping; it was like his words didn’t match his eyes at all.

“Lady Takeda Tamara.”

I was so busy staring into my cup I didn’t immediately notice the omission of my surname for his. He finally smiled.

“You drink now.” He said.

“Oh, right, sorry.”

I downed it in one go, and on a reflex wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

The room filled with laughter as I blushed, Lord Shingen spun me around to face the others, and I wasn’t sure whom to look to first. From above me his arms came over the top of me and held a small box in front of my chest. It opened to reveal a delicate obi pin, a long spear, a rearing horse, a tiger and the Takeda emblem sparkled back at me.

I was completely stunned.

“You take the box now.”

Lord Shingen almost purred in my ear, “Until tonight then Lady Tamara.”

And with a small nudge he pushed me towards the door. I turned at the last minute, remembering my manners and bowed deeply.

“Thank you Lord Shingen – for giving me the opportunity and believing in me”

And then I practically fled back to my room.

My head was reeling with the nuances of Lord Shingen’s words ‘A Tiger’s heart’ that was deliberate, surely.

The omission of my surname for his – I refused to believe he would do that by accident and the way he held the obi pin’s box in front of me it would have looked as if his arms were around me.

I’ve always found the politics and protocols here complicated, and often beyond my grasp, they were so complex and subtle you would need to grow up with them to have any hope of understanding them.

But that, that didn’t feel subtle at all, I felt like a pawn in a chess game unable to move by themselves.

A good part of me was also thrilled by the praise; the obi pin was a masterpiece of casting and jewels, made personal by its elements.

Another cold thought found me – the obi pin – he presumed I would be wearing a kimono. I snapped the lid shut on the box and put it on the low table.

“Aargghh!” I shouted at the room.

I was determined not to be at Shingen’s side this evening. Every other time, every other occasion I had gone along with all that finery. But not this time, this time I wanted to be more myself and not on show.

There was only half a day to try and make that happen.

“Feck, Arse ….BALLS!” I yelled to my room, which had the good sense not to answer back.