I decided I should probably start writing my thoughts down, it feels stupid writing this shit down but it feels like the right time. Ive never done anything like this before, I don’t even know where to start. Its three in the morning and you’re asleep in the other room and my brains just not working right. I assume I should start when we first met right? The xfactor.

I remember seeing you on day two, my first impression of you was that you were just so fun and outgoing, you were carefree and nice, and I thought that we could be friends. I really didn’t wanna be friends with anyone on the show though, because I knew that there was only one winner. But when we were put into the same group I got really happy, I could finally get to know you and we could be friends without it being shitty and competitive.

I loved the friendship we made niall, we honestly acted like idiots more than we sang together. I started to like you though which felt fucked up, I loved the cute little things you said or did. I thought it was a secret that I kept pretty well, until that one day that I decided to google some interviews of ours for no reason at all (ok, maybe I wanted to see you) but I read the comments, I know I shouldn’t have, but they mostly consisted of “look how zayn looks at niall, that’s love” I honestly got shit scared of what would happen if I came out, if we came out, if you found out.

I tried to separate myself from you, stay away, not sit by you in interviews, stop sharing a bed with you at night. I feel stupid now, terrible, made ya feel like shit mate. Im sorry nialler. Even remembering these things hurts me, I cant imagine how you felt, damn. I thought I would stop having feelings for you but that didn’t work at all.

I remember when liam came up to me, I knew he was going to talk about something important, he had that look in his eyes, you can always tell with that boy.

He talked about you niall, liam is so smart you know. He knew I loved you, hell half of our fans new, but that was beside the point, I guess I didn’t hide it well, but he told me how much I was hurting you, that was the night I slipped into your bedroom when everyone else was asleep

I slid right into your door and into your bed, I didn’t think you were going to wake up haha. I layed there staring at you, you’re so damn peaceful and beautiful when you sleep. I was scared shitless when your eyes popped open, I honestly remember that night perfectly, even though it was so long ago.

“Zayn im not asleep, why are you here?” You said,

“im sorry niall,”

“for what?”

“niall you already know”

“well say it anyways”

“im sorry I’ve been avoiding you ok, im sorry, im just, ugh im sorry im in love with you,”

The moments between when I said that and when you replied were the longest moments in my life, I don’t think I breathed once to be honest, im proud I held my breath so long. (do I get a sticker?)

I remember you replied, “great,” as you grabbed my head and knotted your hands in my hair as you kissed me, I remember as we shuffled closer in the bed, I remember how my brain was moving so fast and my lips felt like fire. I remember how perfect it was. The first time we kissed. How perfect our lips were together.

Would you believe me if I told you that you were the first boy I kissed niall? Cause you were, it was probably obvious at how I tensed up at first, or maybe everyone does that with the first kiss with someone they love. Nervous on how they have to get it just perfect, must be love.

The weeks after our kiss were the best weeks ever though, cause it was filled with many more. It wasn’t long before the boys figured us out though, damn I really am terrible at hiding things aren’t I niall?

I love how easily they accepted us. Liam was the happiest, I think it was because he loved seeing you happy, and for some reason I made you happy.

And I definitely remember two years later when we told the world, damn I don’t know why we waited so long, its not like we would have gotten any different reaction. It was actually kinda great to see how many people stuck with us, even though a lot left too. Ah fuck them right niall? The night we came out I went on the internet again and read through blogs, a lot of tears were shed that night ha, we broke millions of girls hearts, how does that make you feel niall.

It doesn’t feel like that was eight years ago though, and it doesn’t feel like one directions last album was four years ago, and it doesn’t feel like the band broke up then too. Its not like we necessarily broke up though, we all stayed close friends, we were just done with the scene right?

Its crazy to think that liam and danielles kid is going to be in first grade this year, hes such a cute little thing niall, and I really regret us not adopting honestly, you know how much I love kids. Not that im blaming you, maybe it’s a good thing we didn’t adopt after all, considering our circumstances.

Its also crazy to think that Louis and harry are together now too, well they have been for 6 years but damn, what are the odds that four out of five boys are gay. That really set the world off, I feel bad for all those girls that dedicated websites to us. What a waste of time, eh?

Do you remember last week when we spent the day at the beach? Well I hope you do because if you don’t we’ll need to get your brain checked out. That was one of the best days of my life, the water was freezing, but we brought our blanket and we layed there, for hours staring at the clouds. You kept talking about how you could see bunnys and turtles in the clouds, it was cute niall, you never lost your child side, I love that about you. I even packed a picnic and we ate our gross and sandy sandwiches but you told me you loved them anyways. I love how you lie to make me feel better. We laid there till sunset, wrapped in a blanket, your head on my chest, I could smell your hair, after all these years it still smells the same, which I also love about you. You never change niall. I could have fallen asleep right there, with us intertwined, I could have stayed there forever. I wish I could.

I don’t know why im not in bed with you right now, I could snuggle up to you like we did on the beach, but here I am writing this instead. Maybe I have gone crazy niall, but I guess everyone gets a little crazy at this point. Don’t blame me okay, I feel like I need to write my love on paper every once in a while.

You’re probably wondering why I am writing this though, damn I should have explained when I first wrote all this. I went to the doctor yesterday, and I know you said you always wanna go with me, but I didn’t let you, I didn’t even tell you.

I hate it when you see me like this, I hated you seeing me when I started to lose my hair from the chemo, I hated seeing you break down when you first found out, but I love you so much niall, every bit of you from your head to your toes, I’ll never stop loving you because you bought me beanies to cover my ugly bald head, and you helped me quit smoking, and you lie to make me happy, and you cuddle me and kiss me, and even though we’ve kissed a million times, my lips still feel like they’re on fire, and even though I’ve seen every inch of your body and you’ve seen every inch of mine, I still feel anxious and scared and giddy around you. But you stayed with me through it all, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand why.

Every time we touch it makes me happier, it brightens my day. The easiest thing I had ever done is fall in love with you, i don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t like me back.

But I feel like im getting off track, I talked to the doctor and he said the lung cancer has spread very quickly, and its beyond the point of return. Shit niall I don’t have long at all.

I really don’t want you to read this letter till im gone but what good would that do, I don’t know, I guess you’ll find it when you find it. I just wanted to remind you how much I love you, and even when im not here, you will be, you’ll try, you’ll be you, because you never change niall you never do, and you better keep using the same shampoo, and even when you find someone else that’s better than me, it’ll be okay because all I want is for you to be happy.

I’d do anything to make you happy, and im sure this letter isn’t helping but I didn’t know what else to do, words don’t feel the same, and I don’t think I could say this all to your face and brace your reaction.

I could just easily sum this up with, damnit I love you.

-forever zayn x

p.s im really sorry I smoked my whole life, I think I regret it a little. Cya in the morning love.