the beginning of summer, 5
━━ chapter five.
❝ coffee shops. ❞
--
NATSUKO HATED SUMMER.
Huddled in one of the comfortable couches of the cafe nearest to her apartment. Classical music fills the air as she takes a sip of her milktea. Cocoa with salted cream cheese. Natsuko was always up for new things and she'd taken it under the suggestion of one of her favorite blogs, but she'd came to realize that the flavor didn't suit her taste.
She really preferred her bitter coffee or matcha green tea more. Liked them than this drink with its overwhelming sweetness akin to hot cocoa with the tiniest tinge of tea. Not to mention that she paired it with rhubarb pie. Maybe she wants to die of diabetes. Natsuya would have liked this flavor though.
Natsuko sighs, holding her hand to her chest and feeling the rapid heartbeats at the thought of Natsuya. Maybe she wants to die for real. This day is not going well for her; this life isn't going well for her. She takes another sip, hoping whatever chemical or toxin in the tea can calm her senses down.
She looks down at the screen of her phone just in time for it to display a notification for a new message. Hands shaky, she reaches for it and opens the message.
[ i care for the both of you that's why i'm keeping this a secret for now, but you can't expect to keep lying to him forever. he doesn't deserve that. ]
Natsuko buries her head on her palms to muffle the groan emanating from her lips. Her fingers grasp the strands of hair that escaped from her twin tail and she cards through them until she reaches the roots and begins to rip her hair out.
Pain is a good reminder. It makes her stop hurting her scalp and reverts her attention to the glowing screen of her phone. Her thumb clicks on the screen and the keyboard appears, showing the characters that would create the message she intended to send. Hesitation continues to weigh on her muscles and she exhales one irritated sigh before she picks up the phone and starts typing.
[ I know. But I'm still uncertain about this, about everything. I hate to make actions when everything remains murky. ]
The reply comes fast and Natsuko reads through it with furrowed brows.
[ what's murky, natsuko? i thought it'd be clear to you by know. that what you're feeling is love. ]
[ You really believe it's love? When it could be simple attraction and I'd make everything around us unneccesarily weird just because I'm attracted to attractive men like a normal, functioning human? ]
She sips on her milktea before clicking send. Her fingers started moving on their own during the period she was typing that text. Anger had once again made her its host.
A beep on her phone indicates another text. This time, she opens it with haste. The slow pitter patter of rain begins filling her ears and she glances at the window where a lone pigeon stands in the sill of the coffee shop, looking at her while flapping its grey wings. Natsuko ignores it and turns back to her phone.
[ see? if you read your text again with a calmer disposition, you'd realize that you sound defensive. even in denial, if you think about it clearly. i've seen the way you two look at each other when you think no one is looking, how both of you seem so lonely when the other is out of reach. that's love. ]
A paragraph is typed, but she erases it, deeming it too defensive. Instead, Natsuko sends a simple sentence as reply.
[ He's my bestfriend, it's normal. ]
In the corner of her eye, she notices her half eaten slice of rhubarb pie and decide to take another bite with her fork. It's one of her favorites. Natsuko remembers her birthday two years ago, when Natsuya took her to one of those downtown diners that served pies of all flavors. From savory to sweet, he told her with a cheeky grin on his face. He had introduced her to rhubarb pie and it ended up being one of her favorites. Natsuya had grinned as he took the first slice and instructed her to say ah.
Although annoyed, Natsuko obliged and she ended up liking its taste. But then, Natsuko being the messy eater that she was ended up having pie crust litter her bottom lip. Natsuya wiped it with a table napkin, looking intently at her eyes and that was when she felt the jolt of electricity when his skin brushed hers, the rhapsody of heartbeats in her chest.
[ he's my bestfriend too and i don't look at him the way you do. ]
Natsuko's brows furrow in annoyance at Nao's reply. Great. He was taking after his bestfriend, rousing her annoyance with their smart replies. Nevertheless, she understands the implications behind the text and types in the keyboard for a response.
[ Our friendship is still more important to me. I can't just compromise it for the sake of my feelings. ]
Without noticing, Natsuko finished her rhubarb pie and she's currently emptying the container of her milktea. When Nao's text arrives, she's only busying herself with reading the inspirational quotes pasted on the walls as aesthetics for the cafe.
[ i know and i respect that. the choice is always up to you, natsuko. ]
The choices are hard, but she appreciates that Nao isn't pressuring her into one option. She hates to choose now, but she can still feel the serenity of everything thanks to Nao's presence. Natsuko takes a deep breath, calming her thoughts. If it really came down to it, if she had to choose between the unknowns following the choice of confessing everything or the certain path where Natsuya stays and they become friends forever just like what they promised when they were kids, Natsuko would rather choose the former.
[ Then I choose to save our friendship. ]
[ i understand. ]
Things were changing for Natsuko. She knew she was a wild girl at heart, braving the unknowns, always ready for spur of the moment hangouts with her bestfriend, midnight strolls, mountain hikes and traveling. But now, she feared the new things and decided to play safe. The risk wasn't worth it this time.
[ Thanks Nao. And thank you for keeping this from him, I really appreciate it. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. ]
[ it's alright. you're welcome, natsuko. ]
When Natsuko realizes that she doesn't have anything to say anymore, she shoves the phone into her pocket and decides to empty the contents of her milktea. After this, she'll go home and plant some flowers in her yard, hoping that it would somehow take her mind off things. She was originally planning to study, but the neighborhood had gotten louder due to some road repairs they were making. It was bound to be finished tomorrow so she hoped the silence would resume and she could start studying by then.
One of the chimes signaling the entrance of a new customer tingles by the entryway, but she ignores it, choosing to focus on her drink. More and more, she found herself unable to taste the cream cheese. Her erratic heartbeats had calmed themselves though; maybe she was right to not get coffee and lessen the palpitations.
"Tsu." Oh God, she was hearing his voice now. A new level of delusion. "You should have told me you were going here. They have great pumpkin pies, have I mentioned that?"
After a considerable amount of blinking, Natsuya taking the seat opposite hers, Natsuya ordering pumpkin pie and regular caffe affogato, her mouth had started to function.
"Y-You're here," she stammers.
"No Tsu," he jokes. "I'm in your heart. Maybe even your dreams."
"Nightmares, most likely," she replies, but it takes her a while so it comes out with less bite.
Natsuya was about to respond, but he stops short when his order arrives. He thanks the waitress that brought his food over, taking a considerable amount of time that Natsuko started to get annoyed. She could hear the flirty tone in his words, the lazy smiles and that charming wink. The entire tirade only ends when Natsuko asks for a glass of water.
"That was mean," was Natsuya's comment after Natsuko receives her glass of water, shaking his head in dismay. "Now I'm having second thoughts with sharing my pie."
Natsuko ignores him and Natsuya begins to eat his pumpkin pie, relishing the dish and making sure that his delight is heard through tiny moans that disturb Natsuko's silence. So much for her much needed peace and quiet.
"How did you know I was here?" Natsuko asks, letting her curiosity get to her.
Natsuya looks up after sipping on his drink. "I asked Nao," he says and she notices the way his eyes narrow. "You two are awfully close."
"Didn't you want me to socialize?" Natsuko asks fiddling with the straw of her milk tea, meeting his gaze but averting it almost immediately. She can't take the intensity of those amber eyes of his.
"I didn't say anything Tsu," he says. "You are at that age afterall. Maybe you should exercise restraint."
The furrow in her brows deepen. Outside, the rain has stopped, but the cluster of ominous grey clouds remain. "What?"
Natsuya answers with a shake of his head. "Forget it," he says, but Natsuko pins him with a glare so he has no choice but to bring clarification to his words. "I was just saying that Tsu is really pretty and it wouldn't be strange for you to look for a boyfriend."
A sneer captures her lips. The irony of the situation makes her want to pour all the remnants of her drink over herself. Maybe the cold will slap her out of this insanity. "I'm not interested in those things," she lies easily as if the reason she was stress eating in this cafe wasn't her desire for a boyfriend. In the personage of her bestfriend of all people.
"Don't get a boyfriend Tsu," he says and she hates the way he says it. How could he say that so easily? If she's the one who tells him that, would he be bothered? Annoyed? Surprised? Would he even do as she asked? "It doesn't suit you."
"Doesn't suit me?" That snapped a thread of anger dangling in her system. Natsuko may be rough around the edges, had her nose stuck in a book or caught wandering to different places, she's still a teenager at heart and she too craves the serenity and the blissful feeling of love.
Natsuya merely smiles and it annoys her too. That the turmoil she's feeling beneath her chest is caused by him and here he was spouting insensitive remarks.
"Tsu," he begins and the words he says next are what sends her into fury, marking all the boxes she had in her checklist for things that were deemed unforgivable. Even since she was a young child, Natsuko had thought she was unloveable hence the different and various ways people that were close to her had left. "No one deserves you."
Natsuya should have known, she knows that he is completely aware that she's just starting to fix this insecurity within her. That she's starting to unlearn the mentality that no one could ever hope to love Natsuko with her rotten heart and equally repulsive remarks. But here was the man she loved, telling her that no one deserved her for she was a horrible creature that deserved to be alone.
"Don't tell me what to do, Natsuya."
He even fails to notice the way she's stopping her voice from breaking.
"Of course," was his only response. Minutes continue to filter between them and not a single apology escapes his lips even at her silence. He would have known, but there was something glazed in his eyes that seemed to make his sights murky.
The tears threaten to come out in small rivulets and trail down her skin and Natsuko can't help it anymore. She has always been a person drowning in anger and there are times when the said emotion overrides all of her senses. She fuels her wrath. She hates Natsuya for saying all those things, for making her feel these stupid emotions that are getting in the way of her senses.
"By the way, Tsu," he begins. "My flight's tomorrow. I was hoping you'd send me off, knowing how much you'll miss me."
Those words were the final flickers of flames that made her everything burn. He was always leaving her behind, making her happy beyond reason and then leave. Over and over again and every time, he expects her to wait for him and receive him with open arms, not knowing how hard it was to see them part. She's been left behind by people all her life, but Natsuya was the gravest offender, always expecting her to watch him leave with that god awful smile.
Natsuko leaves. Over the sound of classical music floating in the air, she hears Natsuya call for her. She's angry and upset. No one can do anything now. The rain comes back, but she ignores the way the droplets damp the fabric of her clothes. Let it be, she thinks as the raindrops mask the teardrops streaking down her cheeks. She doesn't look back.
Summer was ending.
Summer was that feeling of warmth, the season before winter. You waited and waited for its promises of ephemeral halcyon and then it will be there and you'll love it so much, but the time will come and winter will also makes its way, its coldness biting into your skin and you'd be reminded of your loneliness.
Natsuya was like summer; Natsuko hated him too.
━━ to be continued.
🌻 | the sunflowers that last forever.
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