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The Blueties & The Beasts
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Author :: everydaydreamingxxi

Reviewer :: Author_Jenny

First Impression :: 13.5/20

» Cover :: 8.5/10

Starting with the cover of your book, it is attractive enough (from the graphic's point of view) to catch the reader's attention and make them want to read your book. From the implicit aspect, the book precisely matches to the story and depicts the theme. But there are few minor changes in the cover that can make it look even better. The subtitle of the cover is slightly cut off at the end and the colour chosen for it is detoreating the quality and I feel like it should be fixed.

[˗ˏ✎ Reviewer's Tip :: The following is just a mere suggestion, it completely depends on you if you want to make the changes or not. You can change the font of the text in the covers if you want, for a cover with such good graphic designing as yours, the text's outlook should be able to match up to the quality.]

» Title :: 3/5

The title was very appropriate for the book, even though it can confuse the readers about 'blueties', the cover is there to rescue. But I can out deny the fact that the title looks too plain and simple. It is not something much thought of, instead just the main important characters are taken up from the book and put into the title that has the setting of a Disney movie. So I can't really say that the title is perfect, it definitely matches the story and is eligible to be the story's title but I don't really see how much of a good work it can do at attracting readers.

[˗ˏ✎ Reviewer's Tip :: Instead of following a title setting, try to come up with something new. Focus on the minor aspects of the story that are important as well instead of picking the obvious ones, if you know what I mean.]

» Blurb :: 2/5

Talking about the blurb, there are a few mistakes here and there that I have noticed. In the very first line, instead of "kill you in our first meeting", it should be "kill you on our first meeting". In the second paragraph, "So, come and get me, alpha", it could have sounded better and more appropriate if it was "Then come and get me, Alpha". In the first paragraph you have capitalized 'Alpha' but in the second paragraph during the dialogue, you haven't. 

In the second paragraph itself, instead of "kill you in my third movement", it could have been "kill you with my third movement" or if not 'with' then something else but 'in' doesn't sound very convincing to me. In the third paragraph, "It's like he...", could have been "It feels like". Instead of "he strip me bare" it should be "he strips me bare". The rest of the description is fine except the last line that could have been "Or are they obliged to leave him behind" instead of the sentence that you have used.

[˗ˏ✎ Reviewer's Tip :: It's obvious that your blurb has to go through some changes. You have a hard time forming right dialogues, even though they are appropriate to the story, they still lack the ability to intrigue a reader. You need to work on your sentence construction and grammatical errors and I feel like the blurb would be way better.]

Beginning of a new start :: 7/10

After reading the character introduction, I was confused to say the least but the "introduction" chapter made it clear. I suggest you put the introduction chapter first followed by the character description, it would be easier to understand the concept. Since the introduction is just the scenario of the world that is being described, put it first followed by the character introduction won't make it seem like you are cutting off any action sequence. 

[˗ˏ✎ Reviewer's Tip :: There is a minor suggestion that I want to make. In the Introduction chapter, you mentioned that the sapphire buleties are strong, fast and agile which is alright, but I don't really think the mention of being smart is appropriate there. Smartness is a character trait that is acquired over time, not something that can be gained through vaccination. If the person had always been smart, even when the situation was normal, then it's not a problem. Even though I know it's Fanfiction but still, the more realistic it sounds, the better it is.]

Concept and plot :: 13/25

The concept is not very unique but not very cliché at the same time. Even though I don't have much experience with the dystopian genre in fanfictions, the few that I have read have almost the same setting where the human race is about to end and it's all about fighting inhuman creatures and the ultimate survival. Yet the concept of "Blueties, greenties, etc" seemed unique to me. But I feel like the concept could have been better explored and made more realistic. 

The pace of the story is slow enough to make it seem too monotonous, it doesn't have me gripped to it or ignites an excitement in me. There seems to be a repetition in explanation in a few consecutive chapters, reading the same thing over and over again is not very exciting. Moreover, even though the chapters are long, they are not very eventful. There is no use of having long chapters when it just ends up with an extremely monotonous discussion.

[˗ˏ✎ Reviewer's Tip :: Perhaps it's so that you include actions in your work but you have to understand that it's not intriguing enough, it doesn't bring me to an edge or makes me hold on to my breath as a reaction to an action sequence should be like. So you need to understand that it's not making the cut and that you have to try harder. It is perhaps the writing style that seems repetitive and over explained. Don't try to repeat the same situation in each chapter (the weather condition in your case), don't try to over explain situations, make it short and precise.]

Characters and emotions :: 10/15

The characters seemed fair to me, their actions seemed reasonable too but there were places where I couldn't relate to the character on the basis of their reactions. The emotions were portrayed well but sometimes the unnecessary description of the surroundings overshadows the emotions and the feeling of the characters that could have been better explored.

Tone and style :: 5/10

As I have said several times now, try to avoid over explanations. Your descriptive writing is actually good but you need to use it in a way where it really looks its best, you wouldn't want your potential to be overshadowed by unwanted mistakes. There are a few other things that I have noticed in your writing style. Instead of focusing on a particular situation and explaining it again and again, try to focus more on explaining emotions. Try to balance out your descriptive writing equally into emotions and actions. Don't let one overpower the other.

Your writing style while explaining an action or any sequences in general doesn't match to your dialogues, the dialogues seem too plain and it deteriorates the overall writing. Your dialogue should be as good as your writing. While writing numericals, do not use '2', '5', etc. Use the number names like 'two', 'five', etc. There was a dialogue, ".....give him 2 times...". This is very basic writing and not upto the standards, use words like 'twice', 'thrice', etc. Your dialogue writing needs major improvement.

One more thing that I say in most of my reviews, DO NOT use pictures to explain a scene or emotions or movement. This is a book that is being written rather than a picture book, so try to explain the scenarios or emotions through your writing. You are good at descriptive writing, I still don't understand why you have to choose such amateur ways in your writing. Put your skills to where it's most needed. 

Another thing is that, there are words like "Shhhhiiittt!!", I suggest you to not do so, don't try to influence the spelling of a word just to express the motive or emotion behind it. If you really want to do so, use dialogue tags, but don't mess with the spellings like that. Mistakes like this just portrays the unprofessionalism of your work. It's very important to leave a good impression on the readers and these mistakes stop you from doing so. 

Grammar :: 11/20

There are several grammatical defaults that I have seen so far in your work. Starting with the blurb itself, there are some unrequired tense switches in between your writing but where it is actually needed (in flashbacks), I see you sticking to present tense. It is obvious that flashbacks are of the past and need to be in past tense. You struggle with prepositions, which is something very basic so it should make you realise that your basics are not clear. I have seen some punctuational mistakes like skipping capitalizations of words when it's needed. Using capital letters where it's not required like after a comma. These are just the few of many mistakes that are there in the book. I genuinely suggest you do a thorough editing of your work.

Overall :: Don't be discouraged by the review, that is the last thing that I would want to happen. This is not a competition so don't mind the marks. Just look into the mistakes that I have mentioned and try to correct yourself. You have the potential in you, just need to put in the right place, at the right time, with the right sense. I hope you take this review seriously and try to improve yourself. I am pretty sure you will become an amazing writer someday and will be the best at your job. If you want any further suggestions or comments on your work, feel free to pm me.

Total :: 59.5/100