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Obay Me
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Author :: kpopcharmseu

Reviewer :: gukkeun

First Impression :: 8/20

Cover :: 4.5/10
The cover completely owns the mafia element without spelling it out. Nevertheless, there are a few things worth mentioning. Jimin does seem a bit irregular with the highlights around him fading out in certain areas. The italic font doesn't conform to the dark mood and a slight increase in size wouldn't hurt. Can't forget the blurry subtitles next to Taehyung. I can't for the life of me figure out what's written there. Very pointless. The blending needs some work as well. I can see the division of the cover, but Taehyung seems to be floating in mid air and the edge blending is unnatural. His upper body seems to evaporate into thin air. I'm not a fan of Jimin's face blocking his figure even if he's the main character.

Title :: 2.5/5
It suits. Most definitely. But the fonts, length, and emojis are a big fat no. It's messy. Incredibly messy. Especially the unnecessary emojis. The font is another thing. Not every phone could register the special font. They'll only see boxes, and what good would that do? It destroys the purpose of a title. The "BTS Mafia FF" is redundant too. Keep it short and simple. A mere "Obey Me" is enough. You can keep the extra PJM x Reader if you want but otherwise, nothing more.

Blurb :: 1/5
Too many ellipses. They're at the end of every sentence. It's an incorrect use of punctuation. What happens when you use too much of these guys "..."? Breathless. You sound breathless when you read it.

A world you have no idea about, an eerily similar place which keeps luring you towards it...a life you unexpectedly loved to live…

When you submit to him…

PARK JIMIN…

The rich and cold mafia…

I don't see a reason to read this book. There's nothing new that could grasp my attention and beg me to read it. The sentences aren't attractive enough to make up for the lack of excitement. Vary your word choice. Build rhythmic sentences. Don't rely on the sub genre to gain reads. Even if the word Mafia can lure in people like ants, don't use it to your advantage.

Beginning of a new start :: 3/10

The pace of the first chapter is fast. Incredibly fast. You squeezed in the lead's life story without going into depth regarding it. It was narrated, and it made her seem somewhat pathetic instead of having me feel sorry for her. You gave her the impression of an "innocent, pure untouched virgin" yet she enjoyed being touched by a stranger she met on the exact same night. Completely contradicts her persona. Was she begging to lose her virginity so fast or does she want to remain as the "pure" person that she supposedly is?

Jimin, the cruel mafia, shifted beds and slept in Jungkook’s to give the lead some personal space. The same lead he ordered to strip. Let’s not recall how he ordered his men to find him women to toy with. Clearly the change in personality was for the sake of the storyline to make her seem like a special girl he only came across once in his entire life.

Concept and plot :: 10/25

The plot is the typical mafia genre; very predictable and at some point, unrealistic. Jimin was said to be a frightening mafia boss, yet he softened the moment she stepped into the room? The whole honesty ordeal made him fall head over heels in love for a girl he knew nothing about? Does that mean he falls for every girl his assistant brought in? Their love seems forced due to the pace and zero reasoning. Instead of rushing their love life, focus on introducing them. Not in the sense of “Hello, I’m Jimin. I’m a mafia boss and I’m cruel and grouchy 24/7. I’m dangerous so be careful around me!” But how their lives were before meeting each other.

That’s what the plot is missing. The build up. Make the readers crave for them to meet each other, toy with their feelings even. Don’t let them meet so fast! Where’s the fun in that? Torture them! Torture the readers until they curse their lungs out! Even after they’ve met each other, more angst! What’s the point of writing a mafia genre if you don’t use the elements to your advantage? Jimin is free 24/7. Is he even working? There wouldn’t be a difference even if the whole story was rewritten and Jimin was portrayed as the emo boy of your class. Being a mafia boss isn’t easy. He doesn’t have time to attend to her every single day like a servant.

One more thing, there are plenty of mature scenes. Place warnings.

Characters and emotions :: 2.5/15

Take note that being submissive doesn't signify that one is weak. Being weak is a state, while being submissive is a decision. The main lead is both, and I honestly wish she was stronger as a person. Her backstory was explained in a short manner, and this affects how people see her.

The morning was normal, you were taken to a party by your stepmother who hated your existence.

That was it. No more explanation was given. The tiny "leeching off your father's money" doesn't make up the huge hole you left in her story. This may be a tale about Jimin and her, but give her some credit. Don't rush into the story. Let the readers know the type of person she was. You labelled her as weak in the first chapter and submissive in the second. At this point, what is there to like? Would readers really put themselves in her place when this is the only information provided?

Zero emotions felt. I couldn't place myself in any of the characters' shoes. How could I when they're so emotionless? Their personas are identifiable, but never presented in the way they should. Jimin and y/n always stuck to their nature of dominant and submissive. Is their love fully based on lust and looks?

Tone and style :: 3/10

If the story was written in the first person POV, the lead would be pitying herself.

Let’s say, instead of: She seriously didn’t even know that you are a virgin and an innocent girl without even a first kiss…

We have: She doesn’t even know that I’m a virgin and an innocent girl without a first kiss...

Different POV, same feeling. Now try it with all the other paragraphs that describe her. Work on fixing these. Rephrase your sentences because it does affect the tone.

You furrowed your eyebrows in distaste. I've never even had my first kiss!

Isn't that much better? Moving on, the story seems to be written somewhere in between narrative and descriptive. Scenes that deserve more explanation were cut short and became narrative. This includes the backstory and the emotions. Yet you provide more explanation for the basic scenes as shown in the Breakfast chapter. Be consistent. If you're planning on using descriptive writing, explore books with incredible writing and top notch grammar. Search up synonyms of words even to expand your vocabulary.

Grammar :: 7/20

You need to work on your grammar. There are a great deal of mistakes spread out in all the chapters. Especially punctuations and dialogue tags. The different varieties of English affects the punctuation order for dialogues. Determine whether you're using American or British English and stick to it throughout the book.

American English:
"This is strange," she uttered in confusion.

British English:
'This is strange', she uttered in confusion.

Incorrect:
"This is strange", she uttered in confusion.

It's one or the other. Never in between. There are no punctuations ending your dialogues. You left them hanging. Acknowledge that there are different rules for punctuations in dialogues. For action tags, end the dialogues with a full stop instead of a comma.

Action tag example:
"This is strange." She flipped through the ancient book in confusion.

Dialogues tag examples: said, muttered, etc
Action tags mistaken as dialogue tags: huff, pant, etc

Remember to capitalise "i" and do not use it to express confusion or anger.  An example I found would be this sentence below.
She literally sold you for one night and nOw she is ashamed of you?

“?!” is an incorrect punctuation. It may be used excessively in other books but it isn’t proper grammar. Instead, describe the confusion and anger in the way the characters speak or think. Their actions alone can affect the way we imagine the scenes.

Extra Note :: There are a lot of things you need to keep an eye on but it’s definitely not impossible. A good tip would be to explore books other than fanfictions. Whenever you’re uncertain of your sentence structure, google it. A lot of websites and articles are created for the sake of teaching authors and learners. Then, work on plotting the story and rebuilding your characters. Stay dedicated and all the best for your writing career.

TOTAL :: 33.5/100