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Author :: SeokJins_Yeonin_rh

Reviewer :: Kim_eats

First impression :: 13/20

Cover :: 8/10
The cover looks really good. It is eye-catching and it matches the book's vibe; rich, mysterious and dangerous. However, for some reason it looks kind of empty. Maybe if the author’s name is more visible, it might change but I liked the cover very much.

Title :: 3/5
Usually, I wouldn't advise anyone to use song names for the title of the book, but you kind of modified it and it catches the readers' eye, intriguing them enough along with the cover to read the blurb. So, I’d say good job in that despite the title not being the most aboriginal or unique. It matches the story well and is relevant.

Blurb :: 2/5
Including dialogues in the blurb always helps attract the attention of readers. However, you simply copy pasted a scene from the book and though it kind of captures the essence of everything, it is also a little vague and revealing at the same time. I would definitely suggest you to write something better for the blurb, something that sparks up interest without being so revealing. Like, you could include the topic of Jin’s secret while being an idol and it could work too. In the end, it's your decision if you want to change it or not.

Beginning of new start :: 5/10

To be completely honest, the first impression had my hopes sky high but what I got after opening the book didn't match my expectations. Of course, not everyone is perfect and we are all just learning, so I'll be honest here in my review. The very first thing that I noticed was the lack of research. I know it's a fanfic and no one will go into much detail but as a writer, it's your responsibility to do as much research about what you are writing. For example, Harvard is in Massachusetts and not in Los Angeles. Then, the next is how Bighit shifted to LA. I guess you changed that a little bit for the sake of your story but it would have been better if you mentioned it in the beginning to avoid confusion.

The first chapter, I have to say, fooled me into thinking Mayesha was still a student after 5 years, especially after the encounter with one of her friends. There was a lot of fourth wall breaking and while it is cool in certain cases, if you use it way too much, as if the mc is talking to the readers instead of narrating their feelings and situations from their perspective, the readers get disconnected from the story and characters easily. It is very important to make your readers feel connected to the characters if you want your book to be a good read.

The random conversation of Mayesha with her brain was kind of off putting. Everything done in moderation is always enjoyable but when it gets repetitive, it gets boring, and the reader might lose interest. Also, the book is in the first person point of view, so I don't think there is a need for the main character to suddenly say, ‘it is weird, I thought’. It could be simply, ‘it is weird’. The random bold and italics were really unnecessary because the stress on certain words like 'fat' and 'thin' wasn't necessary. Using bold and italics can change the meaning of the whole sentence, so use it cautiously.

Apart from that, the book seemed to be quite fast paced and oftentimes confusing. Like the sudden mention of the Dicken brothers and then their connection with EXO. It was not only fast paced but also confusing. I had to read that certain paragraph more than once to completely comprehend it. So, you should be cautious about that too. Like generating a steady buildup to the story but it's all happening really fast and one after another. It's hard to make sense.

Concept and plot :: 15 /25

As far as I read, the concept of the book is damsel in distress. That's the vibe I got. It's not a new concept, nor is BTS being idols and gangsters at the same time. There are a lot of books out there with the same concept and plot.

Still, it all depends on your execution of the plot. I can see that you tried giving it your own personal touch to make it different and that is a good thing. Taking cliche plots and giving them your own touch makes all the difference. Though I feel like the execution could be even better than what you are going for right now.

Character and emotions :: 3/15

Coming to characters, it's very crowded to be honest. Too many characters to keep track of and too many characters are getting ignored. There are a lot of characters that feel unnecessary and especially male characters.  I mean, I get that you are trying to show that Mayesha is pretty and is very famous among men but like– when you showed the flashback with Malik, I totally lost track of the story and it was so complicated with so many names. I didn't even bother reading it again to understand. With characters in a book, it is quite important to include a significant role for every name you mention. Plus, you need not include names of so many friends because they do absolutely nothing for your story except add complexity.

Even with a few characters you can make it work. But it is just as important that except the main leads, the other characters don't get too much spotlight nor do they get thrown in a dark corner which is very easy to happen when using so many names.

When it came to emotions, I felt absolutely nothing. There wasn't even one moment when I could connect to the characters. Everything was so bland and the random author’s note in between the chapter ruined whatever connection I managed to make with the character. I think for the most part it is because of your writing style, so we’ll discuss it in the next section.

Tone and style :: 3/10

Your writing style is amateurish. It looks like a work in progress where you've just started writing and are trying to improve. But that's okay because reviews are after all, for you to improve.

You chose to write in first person POV and sometimes it can be a little hard to execute and isn't very flexible when it comes to describing scenes. But what your writing style is lacking is excitement. Like, the character seems to be excited or sad but it isn't written in a way that I’d feel either excited or sad by reading. It lacks descriptiveness and emotions.

For example, if you are writing a scene where the character is scared, there are two ways to write it.

I feel scared seeing his angry eyes.

I feel a shiver running down my spine seeing his angry, crazed eyes and the way his fists are clenched tightly.

So, here's the difference; you can write in a simple way, which you are currently doing or go with adding more adjectives and adverbs. Adding an adjective or verb to give more dimension to the nouns and verbs can change a lot of things and makes your writing seem more professional and help in connecting to the characters and their emotions.

I would suggest you to read some hardback books to get a better idea of how and where you can improve. There are  lots of books written in first person POV and it would surely prove helpful if you analyse their writing style and then modify your current writing style. The tone and flow of the story would change considerably once you change the style.

Also, don't include too many unnecessary details. For example, the description of the girls’ dresses in the birthday party. It will only increase the word count and a lot of readers would skip that part because it will start dragging. A simple sentence like, ‘It seemed like the girls matched their dresses with the boys’ ties’. Your work is done in only one line and no one would skip a big part either. Write what is needed and omit unnecessary details if it has no significance to the actual story.

Grammar :: 5/20

You need to work on your grammar a lot. I found a lot of mistakes while reading. You need to improve your sentence structure. It is understandable most of the time but some sentences seem unnecessarily complicated. If you proofread, you might understand better on how to fix it.

It seems like you are getting confused with homophones. I saw a lot of words like that. ‘These’ instead of ‘this’, ‘his’ instead of ‘he's’, or maybe they are typos but anyhow, check the spellings before publishing the chapter. Then you made mistakes with formal titles. You used 'Mrs.' instead of 'Ms.' while mentioning Mayesha. Mrs. is used for a married woman while Ms. is used for unmarried. Hope you make the needed changes there.

Next is punctuation. Again, a lot of missing commas and periods. You aren't using commas before a name either while the person is being addressed. For example:

"What are you doing, Jin?"

As you can see, I used a comma before 'Jin' because he is being addressed and we put a comma before any proper noun while addressing that person.

Regarding periods, you are not using them properly while writing dialogues or dialogue tags. A lot of times, I noticed that the dialogue tag was missing and because of it I couldn't understand who was speaking. Dialogue tags are used to let readers know who is speaking. 'He said', 'She shouted' are examples of dialogue tags.

When a dialogue tag is used before a dialogue, end it with a comma instead of a full stop.
Example:
He asked, "Where are you going?"

If you use dialogue tag after dialogue, end the sentence in double quotations with a comma unless you are using a question mark or exclamation mark and the dialogue tag should not be capitalized unless it’s a proper noun.
Example:
"I'm coming with you," she said.

Also while writing dialogues, if many dialogues appear one after another, don't write them in one paragraph. Write each new dialogue on a new line to avoid any confusion about who is the speaker.

I also saw you using something like this to represent a certain action of a character; *shudders*
Don't do it. While writing you need to do it properly and not as if you are chatting on an app with someone. You could have easily written, "I shudder at the thought" or "I shudder thinking about it". The point is, asterisks are not used while writing unless you are censoring a word or dividing one scene from another.

Next are the use of terms like (time skip), Flashback and Flashback ends. For showing time skip, again, use your words in a proper way and to be honest, most of the time it wasn't required to mention the time skip. The sentence like, 'We reached the park' is enough to show that some time has passed. For indicating a scene going in flashback, you can start your sentences with, 'I remember the first time I saw her…" and italicize the font to show the events that happened in the past. No need to use flashback and flashback end.

There is tense inconsistency as well. I saw a paragraph that was in past continuous tense and in the next paragraph it was in present tense. So, avoid doing this as well. Keep an eye on the tense and read your drafts a few times to check for mistakes.

Next is your use of romanised Korean words. I get that some characters are Korean but you shouldn't include romanised Korean words while writing in English. It kind of looks like the female lead is trying to speak Korean even though she doesn't know it. I mean I get that she might be learning but using romanised words does nothing but break the flow and it is really not advisable to use it. If you want to write in English, stick to it, otherwise write completely in Korean. Don't make your characters switch languages like that. If you still want to show that the character is speaking in Korean while writing in English, use another font or italicize the words supposed to be in Korean or mention after the dialogue is over that the character speaks in a different language.

Another thing I'd like to include, don't write whole sentences in capital letters. I understand that it was to show that the character was excited but it is not the right way, instead use exclamation mark but don't use it more than once. Just using it once is enough to make an impact. Same with ellipsis. Don't overuse it and use them in a set of three like this; (...). No more than three periods. Don't use emojis either. You must have seen hardback books, there are no emojis in it, right? So, don't use emojis either. Finally, usage of pictures in between paragraphs. Don't do that either. It's a book, so you need to write in order to make your readers visualise what kind of clothes your characters are wearing. It might look like the general trend on Wattpad but it's wrong and not at all how books are written.

Extra Note :: I hope you find this review helpful. I also hope that you take this positively and explore your potential as a writer to its fullest by researching more, practicing and improving.

TOTAL :: 44/100