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Branded for Crime
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Author :: BottledStarsot7

Reviewer :: gukkeun

First Impression :: 4/20

» Cover :: 1.5/10

The sole reason I gave a 1.5 was for the gun. It relates to the story in one way. I can't even be generous with the markings. It's incredibly unattractive. It'll be lost among the billions of books Wattpad has. No matter what people say, covers do matter. They play a huge part in gaining interest. The first thing we see is the cover. Not even the title has that huge of a significance. Change it. You don't even need to have the main characters. So long it conforms to your story's theme and nature, it'll do just fine.

In case you decide to redo the cover, please edit the quote.

Original:
It's time to make a decision..
my family, or justice?

An ellipsis has three dots. This grammatical error occurred throughout the whole story and will be mentioned in the later section. The "my" is unnecessary, and the quote sounds better without it.

Edited:
It's time to make a decision…
Family, or justice?

» Title :: 1/5

Branding is a form of punishment. When a subject is marked–with a hot iron as an example–and reminded of their status; below the one in power. The other definition of branded is products with a brand. Taking into the account the story is of mafia genre, the first definition should be what you were going for. But fourteen chapters in and still nothing tells me how the title relates to the plot. I don't see any forms of branding or punishments, neither do I understand what "Branded for Crime" means. We should be able to tell the title and plot relation at most 10 chapters into the story. I highly suggest changing it.

» Blurb :: 1.5/5

I must say the description isn't intriguing. The dialogues aren't as entertaining as they were meant to be, and the rest of the blurb barely touched the surface of the book's contains. It should've sparked an interest and completely opposed to the dullness that is your cover. If your cover isn't going to attract people, then your writing in the blurb wil be your last resort to grab their attention. If your cover and blurb are just as dull, what are the chances of reading it compared to the books that have a striking cover and just as fabulous blurb? 

A question mark should be used instead of a full stop for the second sentence, and the wrong usage of hyphen is a must say. Hyphens are used to join two words that have a combined meaning. Use an em-dash instead.

Edited + slight changes: 
In which the three biggest mafias–the Lee's, the Kim's, and the Choi's–fight for the top position.

One last thing, the final sentence doesn't correlate to the paragraph's content. I don't see how Areum's decision of following the traditions or rebel has anything to do with two organizations working together. 

 
Beginning of a new start :: 3/10

From a personal experience, certain people don't read the chapter after the characters' introduction. My book contains a similar intro, and believe me, it doesn't work out. This isn't what people meant by "showing instead of telling". The pictures are very unnecessary and ruins one's imagination of imagining their appearance—especially Areum. It's very much useless; contains information we certainly don't need. Honestly, how does the information "very handsome, heartbreakingly handsome, makes the best coffee" helps with the story? These should be something we learn throughout the story, even if they aren't main focuses which they certainly are not.

If Jungkook's sudden reveal was supposed to have a huge impact on the readers, I can safely say it's most certainly a huge fail. It's sudden. We found out Areum accidentally "killed" Jungkook in the second chapter. The plot twist that he's alive in the very next part wasn't the slightest bit shocking. With the flow now ruined, it's unfortunate that Am I a prisoner? then ended with a boring cliffhanger.

Here's a suggestion you should definitely try out—The warehouse as a prologue for suspense. Inserting it in the middle of the chapters ruins the flow. Then, extend the beginning. What does Areum do as the mafia's heir? How is her relationship with her father and the organisation? Do they respect her? Does she have the power to bend them to her will? This is the time for us to get to know Areum's position and her control over it.

The kidnapping happened way too early when she was barely introduced. The Jeongguk reveal was predictable. The timeline for the current events wasn't mentioned. The date didn't explain that the scenes written were in the past. The Warehouse is an intrusion to the story line unless placed at the very beginning. These issues have to be looked over before you decide to dive deeper into the storyline.

Concept and plot :: 14/25

The beginning is nonexistent. The story dived right into the excitement, but there's no build-up. May I include the plotholes that I've bumped into? I don't work in a mafia, but I don't see why Areum should be surprised at what her father does for power. Mafias involve themselves in illegal activities. Unless her father tricked her into thinking some of the profit goes to charity–which I've researched about and has happened before–and truly broke her trust, then this can be considered a plot hole due to the lack of information and background behind the Lee's. 

As of now, the pace is completely fine. Each chapter had its own highlight/main focus, and that's what plenty of books fail to execute properly. There were redundant scenes. Say, the process of the protagonist getting ready for bed took up about three full paragraphs—skip them. You mentioned as well that Areum is an idol. I do think that information isn't needed. She's the heir to a mafia organisation which also means she shouldn't be exposed to the public. Areum shouldn't be able to walk around so freely without some paparazzi on her trail even with bodyguards accompanying her. Her disappearance should've been all over the news! This is the biggest plot hole so far. Since her work isn't mentioned too much, there's a chance to remove it. Focus on the main plot, the main sub genre. 

Characters and emotions :: 2/15

Areum's thoughts and doings were narrated. She never was a person of her own mind. Instead, she's an NPC playing certain roles with a robotic mindset and just as awkward movements. Her feelings were never expressed. Areum accepted the new information behind her past incredibly fast. This is where her emotions would've played a huge part in introducing her on a deeper level. She wants revenge, that's all. No thoughts, no nothing.

Similar to everybody in this story. They were empty walking shells with zero personality and lack of responses. We can no longer focus on character development when we can't even judge their character. They're monotonous; utterly dull and boring. The emotions were delivered so poorly to the point the scene in which Areum's father refused to give away his throne in exchange for her made no impact. 

However, since the story is nowhere near its end, there are plenty of opportunities to fix the current chapters. Build every character's traits; from the main protagonist to her father and the members. The scene where she sees the members being playful with each other outside of work is a good addition. 

Tone and style :: 3.5/10

The first chapters were narrative instead of descriptive. They were bland, boring, the scenes lack excitement and inconsistent pacing. This improved in the later chapters, but they're worth mentioning so you'll know what to look out for.

Now this one is consistent—narrating her thoughts like in third person POV when the story is written in first person.

Little did I know how soon Jeongguk's wish would come true.

She shouldn't know. If she's talking to the readers, that's breaking the fourth wall which shouldn't be done often. Everything she doesn't experience; she shouldn't acknowledge. Even for the sake of the readers. This is one of the reasons writing in first person is difficult. It restricts freedom and events happening outside of the protagonist's view.

Don't stuff multiple dialogues into one paragraph. That's what makes them messy and long in length. Definitely don't extend a dialogue into two paragraphs non stop. Quotations can't be ended in another paragraph. It doesn't work that way. That's a grammar error. 

Break down a sentence instead of forcing multiple actions in it. This is what I meant when I said the pace is inconsistent.

I writhe in his grasp trying to free myself until I am struggling so much that he lets go and I fall to the ground. 

Way too many actions in one sentence. Here's another sentence with a similar problem. Only there's redundant description.

The next thing I know, the room in which I'm kept is being opened and a pair of bright lights right above me is switched on.

The sentence definitely needs better phrasing, but focus on how you mentioned that the room Areum was specifically in was being opened. [Here's something worth mentioning— rooms cannot be opened. You open doors. Not the whole room.] The words italicized are redundant. Go for simpler wordings instead of forcing the sentence to extend. It becomes unbearable.

The door creaks open, accompanied by soft footsteps. The sound of the wooden door scraping against the cold tiles is unbearable. Out of nowhere, a sudden burst of bright light enters my dark vision. 

When two actions that have nothing to do with each other happens in a sequence–opening the door and flashing the light–I highly suggest to separate the narration into different sentences. This avoids fast paced scenes and you'll have a wider opportunity to provide description to what's happening. 

Another thing I've noticed is the main focus on describing the surroundings. While this is usually a good thing, do not do it every so often. Instead, practise more on describing complicated scenes and again–better phrasing. At times, I was forced to reread the same sentences over and over again just to make out what it meant.

Grammar :: 8.5/20

The punctuation errors are made continuously. Two/five dotted ellipsis and double question marks. Lack of commas before endearment, nickname, or title. Comma splice as well.

Urgh.. why is escaping so complicated??

Edited:
Ugh… why is escaping so complicated?

Next up, dialogue tag errors, also a common mistake.

"Don't reply me then." I reply stubbornly.

"Reply" is a dialogue tag, not an action. Use a comma instead of a full stop. Dialogue tags include tags that are closely related to "say". In other words, verbal. 

Then, sentence structure. Some sentences need better phrasing. 

I lost intrigue in hidden doors and rooms when I was five, thanks to the countless ones in my house.

Supposedly the word you were looking was interest. This sentence took me five minutes to understand. 

The missing commas before nicknames, titles, etc.

"Look here Areum, it's the newest model."

Edited:
"Look here, Areum. It's the newest model."

The usual incorrect usage of words.
"Yes, yes I am." I answered indignantly and turned my face away from him.

Indignant, is a feeling or showing anger or annoyance at what is perceived as unfair treatment. Copy and pasted exactly from google. Indignant doesn't work as the adjective in this sentence.

Other errors:

inconsistency in tenses

copy pasting the paragraphs from the last chapter (I don't recommend this )

Definitely do some proofreading and re-editing. It affected my reading experience more than it should.

Extra note :: One last thing, I advise not to place a "Guess the song" mini game at the very beginning of the chapter. They are very sudden and out of place. Perhaps that's a way for you to gain comments, and it's not a bad idea. Placing them at the end of the chapter is preferred if you insist on having them. Ending it with a light hearted goodbye and top it off with the question.

You're mostly lacking in writing style and grammar. Avoid using words you don't know the meaning of. Not every synonym can replace the original word. Expand your vocabulary, add in more knowledge on grammar then work on rebuilding your characters. Consider my suggestions too.

A final word, the pace the story is moving at reminds me a lot of my own story. It inspired me to get off my lazy butt and start writing again. I'll have to thank you for that. Goodluck with your career!

Total :: 35/100